your SO's ex.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DaFreak963, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. DaFreak963

    DaFreak963 New Member

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    My gf cant understand that I dont like her hanging out with her ex. Shes having a get-together this sunday and she told me he's coming. I told her i dont feel comfortable with him being there but she said she cant understand why. It's not that I dont trust her but i dont keep in touch with my ex's like that. She on the other hand, gets calls from him out of the blule "just to say hi" and she sees no problem with this. She had the balls to tell me if she had more time she would hang out with him WTF? Anyone else have this problem?
     
  2. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    I wouldn't have a gf life that. She hasnt gotten over her ex, and your the security blanket. I'd leave her.
     
  3. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :dunno: Some people have no issue with this whatsoever. I am not one of those people. It does tend to be a serious point of tension when two people in a relationship have conflicting views in this area. Ultimately, like many things, what it boils down to is how important the issue is for each of you and whether you can find a compromise.
     
  4. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    would piss me off pretty bad
     
  5. DrDickAction

    DrDickAction She needs more of ze punishment!

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    You're totally not being unreasonable with this. If she can't understand how her actions are hurting you, you really should walk.
     
  6. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    yeah you have the right to be mad, that would hurt me too. She should not make you uncomfortable like that.
     
  7. DaFreak963

    DaFreak963 New Member

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    the thing is she grew up like this. Her dad married 2 more times after her mom and they all get together. For example, for x-mas we hung out with her mom dad and step mom so its "normal" for her. However, like I said before I did not. For me they're your ex for a reason so why TF would you want to hang out with them.
     
  8. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    sounds like insecurity on your part to me.

    people are usually ex's for a reason, or many reasons, just because they've had relations before doesn't mean they are going to revert to old habits when they get around eachother.

    I'm still friends with a few of my exs and if my girlfriend told me not to be I'd be upset.

    have some confidence and know that you are who she is with now and that they are ex's for a reason..

    unless theres some crazy story we didnt know, like he used to beat her or she still has crazy feelings for him and tells you she loves him still, I really dont see the harm in them hanging out.
     
  9. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    to clarify on "exs for a reason"

    yeah, but sometimes the reason is as simple as they just dont feel like they make a good couple, or aren't compatible and would rather be friends. I dont date every girl I'm friends with, it is very possible to be friends with the opposite sex without any feelings.

    like i said in the previous post, unless there was some crazy event that caused the break up I really dont see any reason for you to be mad.
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i think there is a difference between being friendly towards an ex when in social situations and actually having them be one of your close friends while in a new relationship.

    how long ago did they break up? how old were they when they dated?
     
  11. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I don't think hanging out with an ex is itself a bad thing, however when you have a new SO who is not comfortable with it I don't think it is respectful. Personally tho, I would not accept if a guy asked me to cut all contacts with an ex if I did not want to and I would not ask a guy that. But there is definitely a limit to how much you talk to them or spend time with them.
     
  12. DaFreak963

    DaFreak963 New Member

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    I havent ended relationships on a bad note and dont have bad feelings towards my ex's however, I dont feel the need to call them up just to say hi or hang out to catch up specially when im in a relationship
     
  13. DaFreak963

    DaFreak963 New Member

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    they talk on the phone and she told me last night that if she had more time she would "hang out" with him. they were in their early 20's when they dated and broke up late 07
     
  14. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    maybe you havent had that type of friendship with an ex which is fine some people don't but you have to understand that some people can have a fully functioning friendship with an ex. sometimes your ex's know you better than most other people and make great friends.

    why do you emphasize "especially when in a relationship" when you say you dont feel the need to say hi or hang out? do your intentions change? Would you be temtped to cheat if you were around your ex?

    i think you need to get it out of your head that ex's are bad news. Cheating is bad news not ex's. Assuming they aren't doing relationship type stuff or she isnt choosing to hang out with him instead of you then i really dont see just being friends as innapropriate behavior.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    This.

    Talking to an ex is a HUGE red flag.

    I don't talk to my exes, and I don't date women who talk to their exes.

    There's really no room for discussion on this one.

    Exes cannot be friends. One of them is still pining for the other and the other one loves the attention. Whichever one of those your gf is, you still lose. She's either not over her ex, or she's an attention whore.

    Abort.
     
  16. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    you just dont trust her. its plain and simple, and you need to fix your insecurities.

    it doesnt sound like she gave you a reason not to trust her, and there doesn't seem to be any suspicious behavior. because simply talking on the phone and hanging out isn't cheating, and especially her being very open with it about you.
     
  17. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    thats ridiculous.
     
  18. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    yeah, girls might hide it from him if they see how strict he is about it.
     
  19. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    far from ridiculous imo
     
  20. babar

    babar Active Member

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    I went through this same exact thing....

    my girlfriend at the time was staying in touch with her ex. i was getting pissed off/uncomfortable with it....she kept saying i was being unreasonable and overprotective. i fell into her tarp.

    long story short, she cheated on me with him.



    i will never again date someone that keeps in touch with her EX. just not gonna fucking happen. EVER.
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Irrelevant. There's nothing to hide because you don't date women who still talk to their exes.

    The moment you find out, she's gone. There is no opportunity to hide anything.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    this
     
  23. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    In fact, the only women who would say "oh you're just being insecure" are the ones trying to make excuses to you because they are hiding something.

    Reverse it: You will never find a woman with a high interest level in her bf who would be "ok" with her bf still talking to an ex.

    It's manipulation.
     
  24. MP18

    MP18 New Member

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    she may have grown up like this and be completely platonic with her ex, but i think that is entirely aside from the central point imo, which is how would she feel if you did that with your ex

    let's be honest, if you were talking with your ex on the phone all the time, hanging out, or wishing you could hang out moar often with her, she would flip her shit. she doesn't want you looking at pictures of her, or telling stories about when you were together, or acknowledge that anyone was in your life as a love before her.

    assuming she feels this way, then it is hypocritical for her to hang out with her ex, because she knows that she'd be infuriated if you did to her what she is doing to you. when you really love and respect someone, then you accmodate their wishes, even sometimes against your own interests. in this case, she may be bummed that she can't hang out with her ex because you don't like it, but she should be able to understand this because she'd feel the same way if she was in your shoes, end result: she should not see him anymore out of respect for you and basic empathy

    if she didn't feel this way about you being in touch with your ex and earnestly encouraged it, then she would have to be the one to evaluate how to continue your relationship considering she's with someone who doesn't share her views about being in contact with past loves.

    but honestly, this isn't the case and right now she's the one being hypocritical, unreasonable, and selfish by insisting on seeing him (not to sound too mean, sorry bro :o)


    all the other posts about seeing an ex as red flags as still being in love, blah blah (while I agree with them), are all speculative and you end up getting in a compromising situation fighting over what you perceive someone else's intentions to be. with the above argument, you know exactly where you stand on whether you are justfied or not in being upset about this (i think you should be)


    EDIT: also, you are entitled to your reasons for being uncomfortable with an SO hanging out with her ex, to one person you may seem insecure, overprotective, etc, but to another completely justified; opinions are like assholes etc.. justifyin how you feel about an SO and their ex is like justifying your religious or political views to someone else, it's just not going to happen/be convincing (unless you know it's from an unreasonalbe personally seeded problem, which you should probably try to correct, but typically it's just your POV) so address the problem from the absolute, ie, find someone that shares your views


    cliffs: fuck you

    iballthatshit.jpg
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009
  25. snoodles

    snoodles New Member

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    if it's bothering you and she's not willing to stop, then it doesn't really seem like she cares about you that much. relationships are about both people. if she's willing to put her relationship with her ex over the relationship she has with you, then i think it's pretty obvious what the message is.
     

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