SRS Young and depressed.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kumalo, Feb 27, 2005.

  1. Kumalo

    Kumalo Guest

    I'm only 16, but I feel like I'm at least 30... Sorry if I ramble in this post, but its really hard for me to write this. I hope I am clear enough and make sense. A lot of this I've never told anyone. I wasn't going to post it, but I read other threads and it seems like you guys are really understanding and compassionate. Well, here it goes.

    I don't really know where to start. I have a few friends that I enjoy spending time with but sometimes I think I don't belong with them, or they don't belong with me, however you want to say it. They are all really smart, most of them play a sport, and a lot of them are somewhat good looking. They enjoy some of the things I enjoy, mainly video games. I am usually fine with them in school, but when we get together out of school I feel really uncomfortable with them. I dont think its natural to feel this way with people who you call your friends, but I dont know if its their problem or mine. I can talk with most of them one on one easily, but I tend to hide myself when the large group conversations begin. Most of them have girlfriends, I do not. I don't know any person who would be attracted to me with the way I look and my emotional state. Which leads me to my next point- I'm gay.

    None of my friends know, none of my family members know. I have only ever told one person that I met on the internet a few years back on another forum. We've been talking for a while now, although I have never met her in person. She is bisexual and married, with a child. She lives on the other side of the country, which is what has hindered me from meeting her. I've shared other things with her, she has been one of my most reliable friends who I trust more than most of my friends and family members. Anyway, I've known I was gay since the time I started thinking about sexual things, and I'm as sure about it as anything. I didnt think about it when I was little, I dont think any child does. Since then, I've constantly tried to push the issue to the back of my head, and its been rotting there for almost 6 years. I feel like I need to tell someone personally, whether it will make me feel better or not, I do not know, but I need to tell someone. I doubt it could be my mother or father, Im positive they wouldnt understand. They arent that religious, but they disapprove of it immensly. They are both extremely sheltered. I've thought about how they would react. My mom would probably not talk to me for about a week, my dad would probably try to hurt me, so I would most likely have to leave here, but I dont have anywhere to go.

    Besides the immediate difficulties that I am going through, I am seriously depressed about how it will affect my future. I will never have children, unless I adopt them. I will never have a husband, unless I move. If/when I come out, all I have to look forward to is a life full of insults, bigotry, and a world full of people who don't understand me.

    I also have serious image problems. I am overweight, as well is my family, and that as well as my sexuality affects everything that I do. Sometimes I think even if I was out no one would want me anyway. I am also starting to lose my hair at a very young age. It isnt severe yet, but I have the feeling it will become that way in the next couple of years. My brother is practically bald right now, and hes only 21. My dad is also thinning although my brother is worse. The right side of my hairline is further back than the left, and I have a bald spot in the back on the right. I feel more insecure about this than anything, even my weight. I spend so much time trying to cover it up in the mornings before school, because I already have enough things to get made fun of for. And guess what, I have glasses and braces too! Summary: I'm a fat, blind, balding, gay 16 year old. This is why I feel like I will never have a serious relationship with anyone, and forget a sex life.

    I make good grades, actually I have the highest GPA in my class, but that doesn't make me feel better about one damn thing. It only adds to my suffering. Some of the people who I feel like I would get a long with more than my current friends don't want to be around me because they think I am some kind of stuck up brat. I would try to make friends with them, but I would probably throw up if I tried. I dont like drawing attention to myself at all. All of the friends I have now I made back when I was younger and I wasnt thinking about any of this shit.

    I have only considered (seriously) killing myself once. It was the moment I realized I didn't believe in God. I think that was the only thing that stopped me from considering it before then. I didnt (and in some ways still dont) know why I should continue living my life (suffering with periods of mild satisfaction weaved throughout) when there was nothing on the other end of it. I thought, "2 more seconds of pain, then an infinite amount of satisfaction" That looked damn good at the moment- I had never felt so worthless. The only thing that stopped me was my parents getting home from work and a long nights sleep.

    Thanks for reading all of this, any comments would be appreciated. This forum really is a great thing.
     
  2. liptonme

    liptonme OT Supporter

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    I'm not sure what to say about the gay thing. If you're gay, I think what you might try to do is have girl friends, it might be easier for them to understand and accept you than guys. I'm sure no matter where you live you will find people that are just like you and will accept you for the way you are. I think you will eventually have to be honest with your parents, although they might not accept it now they will have to learn to accept things the way you are. You are their child, which means unconditional love. You need to have your confidence boosted, go to the gym, be more social, get out there. No matter what you look like, there is always someone out there for you. You're still so young, you haven't even begun to experience all the joys in life. I know suicide seems like an easy alternative, but you sound like a smart guy. The decisions you make when times are difficult are what defines you. I've had difficulties lately too, but I am trying to persevere because I know whatever happens my family will be there to help me when I am down.
     
  3. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Overanalyzing. Being gay isn't really an "evil" thing... although its not accepted widely obviously everywhere.. it might just mean having to relocate in the future. I work in San Francisco, which is obviously known for its homosexual antics. However its so widely accepted here that it really isnt really even a big deal in Cali anymore.. as far as I've seen from Sacramento to San Diego..

    At your age, I wouldn't even ponder too far into the future... find other outlets to kill time... gaming, sports, whatever.. just enjoy your youth, dont spend it thinking about what-ifs... whatever happens later will happen.. but you control your own destiny.. its not scripted in anyway.. you'll be fine, jus hang in there. :)
     
  4. Kikooo

    Kikooo Guest

    You list what you perceive as being your negative characteristics, but you're evidently a smart guy and you write well. Very few people are happy for their entire childhood, and whilst a lot of your problems may seem insurmountable at the moment, they will no doubt become easier to deal with as you become older (and have more freedom). In the meantime you need to spend more time doing things that you enjoy - go to the gym, read, take up some hobbies. If you're spending less time worrying about what you think is wrong with you, you'll find that you become more confident.
     
  5. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    before you start feeling happy you're going to have to admit something to your friends and family, and that's the fact you're gay.

    You're hiding those feelings and it's obviously hurting you.

    Why don't you tell your family? Afraid of how they'll react? You can only stay in the closet for so long before you start to become completely frustrated and even more depressed. The day is going to come soon... If your parents are relatively open-minded, then it should not be a problem.

    Until that time, i don't think you'll ever really 'feel better..'
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Allright , first of all what you look like doesn't mean a thing , God knows who you truelly are in your heart and won't condemn you to hell because you are gay for gay people also can goto heaven, this won't solve your problem but it's a start.

    The Cycle of the Soul is a book which shows you why you go thru all kinds of cycles on this earth as male,female, and transition states that lie between it.

    http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/kes/cycle.pdf

    You might want to read it, however to continue on your issue. Just shave yourself entirely bald, or get yourself a expensive wig that you can do everything with(shower,swim, go out) etc etc. One day your braces will go out, and you can do a lot of exersises like jogging running, avoiding everything that is fat and do things to improve your condition. You don't have to be a potatoe bag , this is exactly what life is about. To shape yourself into something that you feel happy with, to place yourself into an enviroment that you are happy with , to have safe sexual experiences with a person that you truelly love. These are things that you seek ,and that you want to be forfilled to be truelly happy. The truth is perfection isn't available but you can strive to approuch it, and losing weight costs a ' LOT ' of effort, and once you lose it the even more heavy battle begins of not getting it back on (yoyo effect). Really, at one point you have to say to yourself' well this is what has been given to me, and this is what i have to live my life with ' , this is something you need to live with.

    Being gay is not automatically a reason to kill yourself, you just need to go into an enviroment that supports you with that. You don't have to be as smart as your friends, you don't have to have a car,gf,carreer whatever.

    What matters in life is the love that you show towards others. I think you really need to mature and to put in priority of what is really important in life. Also when i see your emotions i like to say that

    Facts determine the emotions
    emotions do not determine the facts.

    That's why its important for you to go out and activly handle to make things happen the way you want them to be. Action action action is required to do so. Carefully make your assesments because you are in a fragile position, you need to strenghten that position and shape your personality into something you want it to be. Maby it's not the good enviroment, or maby you don't have the friends that understand you and maby you need to seek out for that special person that truelly understands you the most.
     
  7. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    You’ve gotten a lot of great advice thus far… But as Civic already said, a lot of your issues stem from your being closeted. Trust me, experience tells me that the closeted life is a hard life. Please stop buying into the social conventions of beauty so thoroughly, as it’s only making you that much more depressed. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, but if you are unhappy with your weight, make lifestyle changes—watch what you eat, exercise more, and think positively. Self-loathing is already so prevalent amongst the gay community, and you are just too damn young to start that shit. No, really. Something that young queers usually discover early on, is that when your biological family isn’t there to support, uplift, and help you, you find friends that become your new family. From your post, it seems that you don’t have friends who can be that support system for you —or, that you trust to be that support system, as you have not told them yet.

    I’m not gonna sit hear and tell you that being gay is easy—it is not. Before you is a path less traveled, and if you navigate it well, you can lead a pretty fabulous life. It’s gonna be hard, but it will only make you stronger. Queers are some of the strongest people the world has known, so you have legacy to fall back on. We’ve been the target of social oppression, religious damnation, and medical disposition for decades, and yet we prevail. Take pride in that, and try to be happy.
     
  8. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    To add onto what has been said, you just need to get yourself in a new environment when you can. The first step is graduating. FOcus on this and when you graduate with high honors, you will have your meal ticket. People recognize those who have worked hard and who want to do something with themselves. APply for scholarships and have the confidence to apply to whatever school you feel is a fit for you. College is a good way to change your environment and grow in yourself. Once you get out of highschool, the superficial stuff will still matter (won't lie to you) but it will matter far less

    You say you are thinning on top? You can find ways to style your hair that are different but flattering or you could shave it bald. Nothing wrong with bald heads!! Don't worry about being overweight because that is something you can work on. I am overweight but let me tell ya: the first step to feeling better and losing more weight is feeling good enough about yourself to know that you DESERVE what you want.

    You sound like you already apply yourself. The fact that you have friends shows that you are not a loser, because you can socialize and communicate with people. If these people are your friends, they will accept that you are gay and if they are not, then it is time to move on and make friends where you can find them. I don't know where you live, but I think most people , even if they don't agree with homosexuality and different sexual orietnations, are tolerant enough to respect you in that decision. People are more accepting and would be more friendly than you think

    About the parents, tell them when you feel you are in a good position to tell them. No rush. AS someone else said, you rparents unconditionally love you. Parents are generally shocked but lighten up in time. It may not be immediate, but I have a feeling they would come to an understanding in the future. If you seriously feel you would be harmed by your father, then I would arrange to tell another adult or relative you could possibly stay with, in the case you have to call for help or are subjected to abuse.

    You sound like a very solid individual. :) Don't give up. The years fly by and the longer you live, the more opportunity will come before you. if you ever want to talk, you can PM me :)
     
  9. liptonme

    liptonme OT Supporter

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    First of all I'm straight. I admitted something to my dad on Sunday, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I've got to tell you, I feel 50x better now. There has been a huge burden off my shoulders.. They will eventually know, I think you need to talk to your parents.
     
  10. shankems2000

    shankems2000 If you read everybody's user text and location, yo

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    I think you should do a few things to raise your confidence level. Make a list of EVERYTHING you want to do in the next 6 months, complete those and then make another list of what you feel needs to be done in the next year and so on. Short term plans eventually turn into long term goals.

    For instance, you don't like the way you look which TRUST ME it's just confidence. There are people that don't look great at all, but because of the way they carry themselves, that incredible aura of confidence they emit, people overlook their physical appearance. But if you feel you are overweight maybe the first thing on your list should be to join a gym or run 2 miles every morning before school.

    Man if you're doing good in school that is DEFINITELY something to be VERY proud of. Those kids that make fun of you because of it are just KIDS and they'll realize being educated and intelligent isn't something to laugh at but to encourage others in and strive for themselves. But as you said man, you're 16, you're very young this stuff comes with time.

    I hope I helped. Good luck.
     

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