SRS You may not want to read this (long and whining)...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jimmy3b, Mar 30, 2006.

  1. jimmy3b

    jimmy3b New Member

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    I've posted a few of these over the past 3 or 4 years, and the theme doesn't change much because my life doesn't change. Believe me, I'm just as tired of reading these "pity party" threads as you are, but it helps a little to just throw this kind of stuff out there every once in a while. Sorry.

    I would consider my life to be shit. I wake up alone every day, drive to work, put in my hours, drive home, make dinner for myself, surf the Internet or watch a movie, go to sleep, and repeat that the next day. When I'm at work, I just want to be home, and when I get home, I want nothing more than to be anywhere else. Weekends are worse, because I don't have work to pass the time. The only way I can get out of the house is to go for an aimless drive every once in a while, but that only kills an hour or two at most, and soon enough I'm back at home. I'm 27 years old and this is what I've done nearly every day of my adult life. You likely consider this an exaggeration, but I assure you it is not.

    I have no family. I was born to a mother who didn't want children and who reminded me every day how much of a burden it was to pay for a roof over my head and put food in my mouth. Not that she did a very good job of it, as I spent many nights hungry and even had to steal money from her sometimes just to buy food. That is, until I was old enough to get a work permit and a part time job. She was not wealthy, but not poor either. She had plenty of money to go out nearly every night with her friends and go on vacations a few times per year. She never had any problems paying for her own desires, but there was no way I was getting a new $25 pair of jeans when a $0.50 off color patch could just be sewn over that 4" hole in the knee. My father was well meaning, but my mother was awarded custody and what little extra money my father made was taken as court ordered child support.

    I was able to move in with my father at 17. I have not seen or spoken to my mother since. Fortunately, my father was willing to sign the forms for me to get a driver's permit and then a license. That is something my mother would never consent to. Not because I was a bad, irresponsible kid. I surely was not. I never drank alcohol, did any drugs, shoplifted, vandalized property, or did any other terrible thing that teenagers commonly do. I did well in school too. Anyhow, with the license, I was able to avoid transferring schools by flying under the radar and just commuting 30 miles each way. My father and I never really got along though. We never really talked or did anything together. This was likely because I had learned at a much younger age to fend for myself and was very independent by that time. After high school work was sporadic, but he allowed me to stay rent free because I was honestly trying. About a year and a half out of high school I landed a great job with the company I still work for. I began saving furiously first for my own car, then so I could move out.

    I bought the car after a couple of months. This is when things between us began accelerating down hill. He was jealous that I was making more money than he ever had and bought a car he had wanted for years. He would try to make me feel guilty often. I did feel guilty sometimes, but I let him drive it when he asked. He only asked a couple of times though. I think his pride got in the way. About six months after I got the job, I came home from work, pulled into the garage, and he stormed out screaming at me. He was shouting that there wasn't enough room between our cars for him to get the garbage can through. I insisted there was, and he became more irate. I backed out, left, and went for a drive. We have not spoken since. I came back late that night to find a note telling me I had a week to move out. Finding a place took about two weeks, but he didn't say anything during that time. When I found a place, I just packed up and moved out during the day when he wasn't around. Sometimes I feel bad about not even having said goodbye or telling him where I was going. Sometimes I wonder if he is even still alive.

    Wow, I really went off on a tangent. I started just writing that I never did anything other than work with forethoguht of writing that I never have anyone to talk to about anything, but I thought people reading this would assume that was not true and that I still spent time with family on occasion. I just got carried away with the explanation. Back to the rant...

    There is nothing worse than being alone. I don't just mean being single, but being completely alone. My phone only rings at the behest of telemarketers. When my birthday comes around, no one wishes me a happy birthday. When Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, the only holiday well wishes I hear are the insincere remarks of retail clerks as they had me a receipt. This past season was no different. I simply sat alone in my house staring at the walls each day. If I were to disappear, no one would look for me. When I die, there will be no funeral. When I have a bad day at work, I have no one to console me, and when I have a good day, I have no one to share it with. I have no one to talk to about anything, ever. It's like being stranded on a deserted island, only everyone knows I'm there, no one wants to rescue me, and no one will allow me to escape. I don't wish to be adored by everyone, but it is a terrible feeling to know that you mean absolutely nothing to anyone. All I would ask for is one person. I think that would be enough for me.

    Some people would say that I am fortunate to have a steady job, a roof over my head, and to not be terminally ill, but I can't help but look at those comments with disdain. I've been poor, I've been nearly homeless, and I've been sick. I don't have those problems, save for illness, because I've worked hard to avoid or get through them. No one has ever handed me anything. I look at the problems most people complain about and I can't help but view them as petty, easy to fix, or self imposed. I know that sounds condescending, but I only feel that way because I know the things I have are not important. I would gladly trade a good job for love, and I don't think that's a case of the grass being greener.

    That's not to say I'm wealthy. I rent a small townhouse, make payments on a car, and have a couple of hundred dollars left over at the end of of month. I guess that's the only upside to not having any form of a personal life. I have nothing to spend money on that would get me into serious financial trouble. What I do have, however, will eventually disappear in the blink of an eye. What will I do then? That thought, among others, keeps me awake at night. How do I go through a serious crisis by myself? The thought of looking for a new job before what little savings I have runs out is terrifying. When you have someone, you can get through anything together. When you don't, getting a food stain on your shirt feels like the end of the world.

    I don't mope around outside my house. I don't whine about my life or act pathetic (except here). Even if I wanted to, I have never had anyone to talk to like this. Although anyone could infer every lonely detail of my life simply from looking at me, you couldn't from my attitude. I am not shy. I am perceived as a bit aloof, but have been told that I am much nicer to talk to than one would think from looking at me.

    I am seriously ugly. Not just a little below average. If I lived in Hollywood, I would no doubt be given a leading role in the next Revenge of the Nerds sequel. I try not to let it bother me, but it is hurtful when people look at you a certain way and you know what they're thinking. When they get that disgusted look on their face if you make eye contact for a second, or when they laugh at you with their friends. I think I'm a very pleasant, courteous, and polite person. I try my best to not bother anyone and do not do anything that could be considered inappropriate or that would warrant being treated poorly, but after a while you start to pick up on things. For instance, the pretty girl at the supermarket deli consistently and very obviously avoids serving me, while going out of her way to flirt with every normal looking guy in the area. This doesn't bother me as a customer, but it hurts my feelings as a person. The girl who lives next door walks right by me without saying a word, even if I say "Hello," but she will stand in the rain for 15 minutes flirting with a construction worker. Needless to say, I have never so much as had a single date in my life.

    I don't ask or expect people to like me. Everyone is attracted to basically the same thing, and I am simply not it. I want no apology and would make none myself. I completely understand that no one wants to hang around with an ugly, but it is hurtful when people go out of their way to be mean for something that isnt my fault and that I cannot change. I've consulted with doctors and basically been told that my facial bone structure is just not condusive to any procedure which could make a significant difference. Anything that can be done would be high risk, totally unaffordable, and wouldn't be much different in the end. As Popeye says, I am what I am and that's all that I am.

    You'll likely want to say, "Go to the gym!" I'm sorry, but the gym fixes fat (which I am not), it doesn't fix ugly. "Go out and meet people!" Well, no one wants to meet me, and I'm not into forcing my presence where it isn't wanted. I've been to bars and other social types of places. I simply get laughed by the women and bullied by the men while minding my own business. "Get some hobbies!" I've tried that, and the things I enjoy are ultimately solitary activities. "Volunteer!" Done that too. What have I learned from these things? Men are all assholes and women have no hobbies or interests of their own. They just hang off whatever their current mate's interests are and do not venture outside the home on their own. "Try an online dating site!" No thank you. 100,000 men better looking than myself striving for the attention of 100 women would not end well.

    So that's my life. The best I can hope for out of it is not ever losing my job and the owner of my home not deciding to sell. The home will likely get sold out from under me later this year, and when that happens I don't know what I'll do. The only stability in my life is being able to come home to the same place every day. To shop at the same grocery store. To rent movies at the same video store. I couldn't deal with just up and moving. I worry about that almost daily. I doubt I'll lose the job any time soon, but you never know. I'm 27, I've never had anything worth really appreciating, and the best I can hope for the future is the same dreary stagnation. This is not a comforting thought.

    I realize this all sounds self absorbed, but when you never have anyone to talk to, things just fester. I have no choice but to bottle up absolutely everything until I can't hold it in anymore.

    Thank you for reading. Good night.
     
  2. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    I ask one question: Do you really want your life to change?

    You have pretty much given yourself all of the answers to have a more social and fulfilling life, and yet you don't like any of them.

    I'm not sure what else anyone can say to help.

    I believe this has stemmed from your childhood, and you may just benefit from some counselling, even if it's just to boost your own self esteem.
     
  3. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Go to the gym. If not for the fat then at least get a good body. It will make you feel better about yourself.

    Also you need to make some friends. Go out with your co-workers, have a couple of beers with them, shoot some pool and joke around a bit. It's not that hard to make friends at least... I'm sure you have a buddy or two at work at least.

    Or join a club with people that have those same hobbies as you. Even if they are solitary hobbies people still get together to discuss them.

    Confidence goes a long way too with the ladies ...

    Also simply denouncing all men as assholes and all women as stupid isn't helping your social situation...

    It seems you feel isolated because of this ugliness but you have to accept it as what you are and learn to live with it. It seems you are isolating yourself from others because you feel ugly. Sure there will be assholes, like that bitch in the supermarket, but if she's like that you didn't really want her attention anyways... you know what I mean? Don't get depressed because of that bullshit.

    I'm sure at the very least you can find a couple of friends to chill with.

    :hs:

    Dunno what else to say.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2006
  4. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

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    wow thats sad bro. No offence but you kind of sound suicidal in what your writing. I think you should go to a threapy but not like a medical cycitrist go to a consuleor. Go once a week or how ever much you can. I'd reccomend going to one thats the same sex as you and find one you really like don't just settle. Bro if you want to talk to me on aol instant messagener my screen name is njoutlaw88
     
  5. Legend Zero

    Legend Zero OT Supporter

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    Why not try to meet some people at your work? It may take awhile, but i'm sure eventually you can go ahead and maybe hang out with them, go to the local movie theather and have some dinner or w.e.. than go to the bars togeather, etc..let it venture off from there..

    You said you tried volunteering, what went wrong? Usually people who volunteer especially at your age, as most college students and highschool students i'd say are in it for more selfish reasons, ppl at your age are in it for the right reasons and i'd say it'd help you to get to kno some ppl? i just don't c exactly what went wrong?
     
  6. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    First of all get rid of her. She's not worth it.

    Second of all work on you. Its not about them, its about you.

    Third of all read this: http://barnahog.perpetualstroll.org/rollins-iron.htm

    Fourth of all, 5 inches is more than enough

    Fifth of all: Keep doin what you're doin and don't let nobody get you down.

    Cliffs: Nah man, I didn't read shit.
     
  7. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    :rofl:

    I'll just add this: When every action you've taken, or haven't taken, has led you to the undesireable point you are now....what makes you think doing the exact same action/inaction each day will lead you anywhere else?

    Stop blaming everyone else...your father, your mother, your coworkers, the people at the bar, etc. You say you don't have the chance to talk to many people, yet you have an amazing understanding of what they say about you. Can't you see you're your own worse enemy?
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2006
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    If you're anything like me, you'll have to do a little razing of the walls you've built up around yourself. Your shell has got you through life to this point, but it's also shut everyone else out. Confidence and intelligence go way beyond physical appearances - how you carry yourself is paramount. If you think you're ugly and that you're less of a person because of it, people will pick up on that and treat you accordingly.

    Reading through your post, it's evident that you want change, but it's equally evident that you're very afraid of it. Before you can truly change, you have to want it so bad that staying in your current state is more uncomfortable to you than your fear of change. If you fear change more than anything, nothing will ever change except that which you have no control over - basically, you'll live life at the whims of other people. Learn to fear stagnation... not change.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    a few thoughts on your situation:

    1) WHINING.
    you're not whining. Contrary to whining, you've presented a well-written account of your situation -- AS YOU PERCEIVE IT -- and moreover, you present as a intelligent, reasonable person. Far more than the average nutter who patrols these forums.

    2) EARLY LIFE WITH MOTHER & FATHER
    your early life experiences were all centered around the themes of isolation, rejection, unworthiness. As a result though, you've developed your ability at introspection. You're able to deeply think about and analyse your situation, albeit in a flawed manner as your perspective is seriously skewed due to your emotional abuse during your formative years.

    3) YOUR LIFE SUCH AS IT IS
    your current life is a projection of those unfortunate self-beliefs and self-image that you got saddled with. Your perception does not equal reality.

    You're intelligent which means you have managed to actively create your reality and continue behaviours which reinforce that reality. Now, I know you're going to object:" But how did *I* make that girl ignore me? Those were HER actions, not MINE." However, I'm going to assume you're also smart enough to see the fallacy in this, if you think about it.

    4) SELF-IMPROVEMENT
    You object to going to think gym, thinking that it only removes fat.
    Well here is your active mind holding you in the pattern of your existing self-image. You rationalize reasons why the gym (or similar physical activity) would be useless for you. You fend off any chance at self improvement.

    Going to the gym is about improving your physique. Part of it is removing fat. Part of it is improving your build. And part of it, is the sense of satisfaction and empowerment you receive from your expanded muscle strength.

    Don't underestimate the pleasure and satisfaction you receive from witnessing the increasing strength in your arms, the power flowing through your limbs. Your self-esteem will go up. Do not for one second think that you're somehow above this. That the gym is only for stupid muscleheads. You do yourself a massive disfavor. If the gym is too cliched for you, you can choose other physical activities. Developing some skill at a sport also serves the same purpose.

    You should do a search for a user called Vay. When he first came here, he looked like a numpty suited only for playing D&D in his mom's basement. He graciously and BRAVELY posted a picture of himself. I think the universal reaction was "ewww". Now lest you think I'm being cruel, I can say this because thanks to his bravery and willingness to change and let go of his preconceived notions of self, he was able to change his self-image to the point where his old self was unrecognizable. He went from untouchable loser to baller in a few months. You should look for the thread here.

    You believe yourself to look like a 'nerd' as you put it. Who has created this? YOU. You have created every bit of your self-image. Your clothes. Your speech. Your car. Your posture. Your haircut. Those things are all attributes of you, but they are NOT you. They can be altered, if you are brave enough to truly let go.

    Most people are too terrified of change to truly let go of their definition of 'self', mistaking the surface attributes for the true, inner person. Don't be one of those people. See past the veil.

    5) THE FUTURE
    I'll keep this brief in anticipation of a response, but basically you CAN turn things around.

    You will need to work on yourself first, then you need to practice your long atrophied social skills, then you need to build practice in social situations. Your life does not have to consist of a solitary existence. You owe it to yourself to expand your definition of self.

    Lastly, I would seriously consider scheduling a dozen sessions with a good therapist. You carry around a tremendous amount of shame and guilt and non-worth from your early years. More than anything else, that is what's holding you back.


    So. Over to you.
     
  10. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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  11. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Again, Johann offered excellent advice.
    Have you seen a medical professional about the possibily of having/treating depression or something like it?

    My heart goes out to you. I also think, as much as it may suck, you HAVE to create your own happiness. Trust me when I say that having another person in your life does NOT = guaranteed happiness, relationships take a tremendous amount of effort to thrive, they don't just provide instant, effortless, happiness.
     
  12. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    What area are you in? If you are my way I'd hang out with you.. :)

    Follow what everyone else has said so far. :hs:

    PM me here if you just want to chat :)
     
  13. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

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    Hmmm is this a regular user in disguise or drive-by poster??
     
  14. johan

    johan Active Member

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    With just one post to his name? Probably an AE created to disguise himself.
    But the advice given is still solid, and others can also benefit from it.
     
  15. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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  16. B_RowL

    B_RowL OT Supporter

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  17. Easygo

    Easygo New Member

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    OP, that's terrible. I can relate to some of that. I won't try to analyze except you need to do or add something different to your life.

    If you have spare time, instead of just staring at your walls, do some volunteer work. You can volunteer as little as one night per week. Here's a site to check:

    http://www.volunteermatch.org/

    (And note, you don't have to register there, you can just find something needed in your area, and contact that place directly. Usually nobody is ever turned away and every person is respected. You can leave at any time.)

    You can meet some new people and get out of the house. You can have the satisfaction of doing something helpful to others.

    Good luck and best wishes.
     
  18. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Some of those women seem quite attractive. Though, I wonder at the tenor of the relationship once they get their citizenship.... Irina and Elena appear to be very popular russian names.
     
  19. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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  20. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    I can summarize 98% of the women on those pages with two words:

    GOLD DIGGERS
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

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    ha ha, naw IMPOSSIBLE! :rofl:
     
  22. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

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    More like COAL DIGGER
     
  23. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Just went and read that. Did someone recommend tight jeans? Yeesh...

    As far as style. Simple.

    As was said, go to a salon with some attractive females, and tell them that you are wanting to get a new hair style that will help improve your appearance. It would probably be better if you at least had SOME hair to work with. I don't know if you have a shaved head or not-because if so it would be hard to get a hair style.

    As far as clothes, much of the same. Go to a popular store like Hollister, Buckle, Pac Sun, etc and tell one of the cuties there that you are wanting a change in style and for her to pick out an outfit or two for you and/or give you some fashion advice. Seriously. I knew a girl who was brave enough to do this and she got some pretty cool outfits that made her look a ton better. You have money, go buy a new wardrobe!

    The gym, yes, it has been said. There is more to a gym than losing weight or even adding muscle. It is the entire confidence and self satisfaction you get from improving yourself. Again, you have money, find local gyms and make them compete for the best price and get a year membership and work out several times a week. What else are you doing? You said you sit at home.

    Finally, when things are getting better for you and you are looking better, start going places to meet people. Don't think that everything will be simple, it takes time and effort and you will fail before succeeding, but each step you take will increase your chances, plus you gain more skill.

    I also suggest one final thing. Go buy the book entitled: "How to win friends and infuence others" I hear this book is VERY good.
     
  24. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    That's key, you need to believe in yourself before having other people do it. As stupid as this next suggestion is mabe you should try getting a Myspace. Good place to make some friends and maybe you can find those people you want to talk to that are in your area.

    People aren't as bad as you think, although it's obvious why you have that notion. You said "no one wants to hang out with an ugly", that's untrue but a common misconception. Believe me you can find people who will be your friend. How can I say that? Because I know a few people who will talk to anyone and everone.

    Props to you though for not being a depressed self loathing log despite your situation.
     
  25. MyLittleAirport

    MyLittleAirport OT Supporter

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