SRS You know whats a shitty feeling?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by konrad109, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Knowing that your parents tried to do the best they could for you, but they failed pretty miserably because they weren't raised in the very good conditions themselves.

    They have actively tried to become less negative, critical, and verbally abusive over the past 5 years or so, but there is nothing else there to replace it. One part of me feels guilty for rejecting their honest to goodness attemps at trying to form a relationship, but another side of me is bitter that they are trying to do now what they never did for me when I actually needed it. Another side of me feels sorry for them, because their attempts are so pitiful and I hate to say it but I kinda enjoy seeing them feel stupid when I totally ignore their rare attempts at friendly conversation. What sucks is that this shit still flows over into other relationships.

    I donno, I was a pretty sensitive kid, but now I think I'm pretty fucking cold. Its sucks realizing that I've basically become what I hate, despite my best efforts to the contrary, and that my parents were probably in the same boat, yet feels impossible for us to reach any sort of understanding.
     
  2. AsIfSetAfire

    AsIfSetAfire New Member

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    I hear ya, growing up me and my parents weren't very close and things would get terrible where things that were said were ridiculously cruel. I remember once when I was really young my mom told me she wished I'd have died at birth so believe me when I tell you I know what it is to think their attempts are pointless to you. Do you still live with them? I know that when I moved out our relationship got 100 times better when I moved out and my mom wasn't able to come home from work and take her shitty day out on me anymore. Just gotta look at it as they won't be around forever and you'll feel like shit when they pass if you didn't try to fix things. I completely understand where you're coming from though and it's shitty but at least try to meet them halfway on their attempts
     
  3. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I have the same problems. :hs:

    My dad has tried his best to patch things up with me. I understand now that the way he raised me was the way he was taught, which is so different because he didn't grow up in this country. And he doesn't know how to deal with someone like me. There's a lot of things (health related) that I can't really talk to him about. He never explained to me what was going on with me when I was a child, probably because he didn't understand it himself, and these days I don't bother to try to explain it to him either.

    My mom is the pushy, critical one. We haven't talked much since I was a kid. A few years ago she complained that she didn't know anything about me. But that hurt because I really haven't changed that much since I was a kid. They haven't changed much and I grew up very fast, so why would they expect me to be any different?
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I think most can relate that their parents had issues which they might have passed on to us...However, can I ask-how do you feel now about having children in your future? Do you think you could be a good parent?
     
  5. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    You are not your parents, merely a product of them.
    You have your own mind and free will.
    You are not helpless to deter and prevent the same negative behavioural problems.
    Start training yourself to be rid of them now, before it becomes an issue as a parent.

    Not all families are close, you may all have to settle for comfortable dysfunction and stop trying to make happy family to just be yourselves.
     
  6. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I would like to have kids, because I would want to do for my kids what my parents never did for me. I feel like it would somehow right the wrong. At the same time I feel like I don't know how to do it, and would end up fucking it up. I would hate for my kids to feel about me the way I felt about my dad growing up and kinda still do now. I swear there is no worse combination of emotions you can have towards another person than pity + hate.
     
  7. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I don't know why, but I like this. Our relationship has improved in the last few years mostly because I am no longer physically or verbally afraid of them or at all emotinaly reliant on them. I sort of just disconnected from their drama and they had to find new ways to get a responce from me. They do things now like ask me how I'm feeling or whats going on in my life. It irriates the hell out of me because it seems so out of place. They were like the bad guys in my life, and now I've come to realize that they weren't trying to fuck me up, but it just came out that way. Whats worse is that I now understand kinda where they came from, so I empathise with them more but I don't want to.
     
  8. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I can't speak my mind around my Mom without her getting offended and screaming at me.

    I don't go around my Mom anymore unless I have to.
     
  9. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Mine doesn't scream, but she gets really frustrated and offended. I really do think she tried her best, but she is emotionally fragile and can't deal with the real world, and she took that out me and my brothers when we were kids. The problem is that she was doing it because she felt backed into a corner, weak, unappreciated, etc as a result of her own upbringing. She wasn't doing it because she was sadisitc and uncaring. This brings this shitty conundrum of not liking her, but at the same time having a certain sense of empathy. Basically stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    If I recall correctly, you said your mom has bi-polar disorder, and I imagine she didn't make your life miserable because she hated you or because she was sadistic, but because her own life wasn't all that great either. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve her treating you how she did, but at the same time it wasn't entirely her fault her mind was fucked. Thats what messed up about these situations. I am finding it harder and harder to say "this is their fault" so I find that I am spreading that anger and mistrust around to everyone.
     
  10. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    This is exactly what I am afraid of. Them passing and us still being on bad terms. Then I will feel like the bad guy for not grabbing their hand when they were reaching out to me.
     
  11. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    My parents are from another culture as well. What really opened my eyes is talking to my brother about the past. I had blocked out so many memories that when we started saying "remember when..." it just all started flooding back in. Also listening to my mom tell stories of when we were kids, why they made some of the choices they made, etc. Logically its hard to stay mad at them, but there is an underlying anger that festers and I am afraid it will never go away.
     
  12. zxghostrider

    zxghostrider Sometimes you gotta hop on two wheels

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    It's like I always say.....I'd rather think better late then never as opposed to too little too late.
     
  13. Legend Zero

    Legend Zero OT Supporter

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    i always feel very distant with my father, cause of his cultural differences. i can relate with my mom more, but even than, i feel the difference in values that i have tears us apart pretty easily. my brother i cannot stand at times, when i think about the things he did to me when i was little that i blocked out for so long. you said your parents are from a different culture, if you are a first born in the country that your parents moved too, i think many people feel the way you do. it is difficult to bridge the gap between what you want and what your parents want for you. but i figure that striking a median between both may be the best way of doing things. I know that isn't the "American" way but for my culture, its a good mix between the two. :hs:

    either way, i've never really had that rebellious stage, so i've always taken any little bit i could get, even if it was awkward and came off in the wrong way, i just grunt inside and know that they are trying. :hs:
     
  14. AsIfSetAfire

    AsIfSetAfire New Member

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    Family is always something you should never let pride get in the way of, sometimes it'll bite you in the ass but other times it's pretty satisfying :hs:
     
  15. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    At least you understand their good intentions and now know exactly how not to enforce them.

    The road to 'fixing' your family communications will probably be a long and awkward one and it's a two way street that you have to want to walk. It might irritate you that they've started asking these things, but they're taking the time to, so I'm hoping you're taking the time to answer them?
    You don't have to be their best friend about it, maybe just giving them simple facts will satiate them and give you time to adjust.
     
  16. Jcrash

    Jcrash 93.till.infinity-ing

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    Never too late! Put them ahead of yourself because they've done the same for you when they raised you. If they get on your nerves, do something to annoy you, suck it up. Those times usually make a good joke later down the road when (if you can) you tease them. :hs:

    My parents let my sister and I off on our own most of the time. They've always been really busy and along with moving to various locations, we've never really settled. My sister and I were discussing this in the car once and both of us have noticed that we're "all around" type of people. We don't really excel at one thing, but can pretty much blend in socially wherever we go. We're just that socially independent.

    One thing we've been doing though is try to establish a better connection with our parents. I've been out of the country for 3 years so she's grown accustomed to conversing and interacting with them. She calls my mom at work and will just yell one word and hang up to annoy her. Or she'll throw pillows at them while they're sleeping. :rofl:

    I on the other hand feel more comfortable with nonverbal communication. Even though I don't practice, I'm still able to shoot a 74-78 on a championship golf course; giving my dad and his friends a run for their money. As for my mother, I cook up a dish when I can or at her request.

    It's actually not a lot different from serious dating. Establish a common ground, and work from there. Oh yeah and don't expect some type of appreciation. I think if a person is able to recognize their parents efforts and selflessly give back, that's already a reward in itself.

    Good luck everyone! Humor and food...
     
  17. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Yep, she is bi-polar.

    She was very loving and had the best of intentions, just did a poor job of controlling her anger and always took a difference of opinion as an attack on her intelligence.

    I've told her 100 times that I do not blame her or think it is her fault, because both of these words indicate intent. It was never her intent to raise me as a person who has struggled with anxiety and approval seeking, but it's just the way it happened. Luckily I am getting much better, but it's still difficult to undo the more than 20 years I lived under her roof.

    It is a very difficult situation, because I don't want to cut off contact with my Mom, However, every time I disagree with her on something, she gets an attitude and I turn into that 12 year old little boy again. If I stand my ground, she screams and degrades me.

    I can't get better when I put myself on those situations, so I can't put myself in those situations. There is no easy decision here :wtc:.
     
  18. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Learn to love. They may not have taught you. If we are under the impression we even know how to love, then we need to learn how to love better.

    I have had similar experiances with my parents at times. They always love you, they just really may not know how to show it.
     

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