SRS yet another valley to fight through

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DesignerAddic71, Jul 3, 2005.

  1. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    Hello again. To those of you who have helped me in the past, I'm sure you're ready to kill me by now because I always seem to have something wrong in my life. And I do apologize, but OT is the only outlet i have so please bear with me.

    I have spent the latter part of the evening reliving the consequences of some of the decisions that I have made the past year or so. Mainly the ones involving my relations with the opposite sex.

    What triggered this tonight was a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. We have been friends for about 6 years now, and very good friends at that. All during high school and up to a little while ago he was the one I went to when a guy had broken my heart (well that's only happened twice, but I hope you get the drift). When I was sucidal in high school, he was the one I called. When he was going through his rough patches I was the one he called. And all during high school and up to a little while ago he would tell me how much he liked me and how much he wanted to be with me and all that stuff. But I never really took it seriously because he was a big flirt. He was always dating somebody and had a child during our senior year of high school. We kissed a couple times, but that was like the 10 grade, nothing to take seriously, and he would joke about us getting married and having kids and things of that nature. I always blew it off though because he was always involved with this person and that person, so I never took it seriously. Well back in April we had sex. I was on a business trip in Tallahasse and thats where he lives.

    And thats where everything changed. After that happened I didn't hear from him for about a month. He came by my house about a week or so after the Tally incident, but it was for all of 5 min to drop off a CD. (he drove to Tampa to visit on the same day my job drove back). I got a text message from him around mid-May, and we talked briefly on the phone probably twice since then but tonight was the first time we had a real conversation. For some reason him not talking to me afterwards really hurt me though. I know the games guys play, because I tend to play them too. I get what I want, they get what they want, and we leave it alone. For the most part, if they call I don't answer. And if I call and they don't answer, I don't get upset because I pretty much know what the deal was in the first place. But I guess I expected him to be different from the rest.

    Well this little revelation of mine led to me thinking of every guy I've had sex with and the circumstances surrounding these situations and now I am very disappointed in myself. I know I am a beautiful 20 year old who has so much to offer, but I short change myself. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I won't achieve my dreams and goals because I'm not good enough.

    I never really know what I want to come of these threads, but if I don't get these thoughts down and somewhat out of my head I know they will be the end of me. If you have read all the way to this point, I thank you so very much for your time. I don't know where I would be without you guys.
     
  2. The Mighty Megatron

    The Mighty Megatron Secondborn of the best drummer known to man

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    It sounds like this time around you're just putting too much emphasis on the things you've done in life that might be regrettable. It's natural for people (especially women) to reach a point where they encounter one specific happening and then look back at all the other times it's happened and question themselves about it. Don't let this drag you down and out, it's not always what your mind makes it. Just relax yourself, do whatever you need to vent (I would suggest some shots of rum or whiskey, just don't overdo it. The situation you're in now will seem like a mid-autumn stroll in the park compared to alcoholism :noes:.) If you need me, I'm here. Just don't let the weight of your mind crush the rest of you.
     
  3. I read it, however these things you're going through are apart of healing. Keep sticking to getting yourself well. The relationships will get stronger, and you'll find all of this will fade as long as you keep going back to that one thing: Getting yourself well with support.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    First off all, never be afraid to post here, i want you to lift your heart here with us instead of making it a murder hole, post whatever you want in here rant if you like but don't put a lit on yourself. So if you have something, just post ok?

    Second , this guy is in love with you. He loved you from the day he met you, and marrying with you was his life dream. The friends thing with you was just a fake wall. If i where you i would love him, and make your dreams come true along with him.

    BUT!!!!, what is this whole odeal with him having a kid, is he divorced or what? Can't remember if you already said something about this guys maritial status in your previous threads.
     
  5. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    He has never been married. When we were seniors in high school he got a junior from a different school pregnant. He is now in a custody/child support battle with the mother and there are now doubts if the child is even his. I don't know if I could ever be with him after how he treated me after we had sex. We talked about it somewhat last night and he said he acted like that because the situation felt awkward to him. I still haven't fully grasped what he was trying to say with that.
     
  6. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    I am doing the best I can, which so far I think has been pretty good. But it seems like for every step forward I still take two steps back. But I do feel like I am actively working towards the better. I have stopped talking to the guys that I had no business dealing with, and I am even considering a relationship with someone who is actually good for me.
     
  7. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    Thank you so much. You guys don't know how much your support means to me. Last night the weight was getting a bit unbearable, it actually kept me up most of the night. But today has been much better. I worked all day so my mind was pretty much off it, and my father came by my job today and he always has a way off unknowingly putting things in perspective for me.
     
  8. That is how *healing* works. It gets a lot worse before it gets better, but the gaurantee is you will get better.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Also you must understand that (and you might know what i mean) if you are with the love of your life, who suddenly wants to get deeply intimate with you, it can cause a lot of nerves, im not sure wether it was bad treatment, but if it was an akward treatment , i wouldn't think to much of it other then him being nervous.
     
  10. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    It was him completely ignoring me. It's possible I took it a bit more personally or seriously because it was him doing that and not Joe Schmo who I don't know like that. I guess I expected more from him.
     
  11. Boy, I know something about expectations. :o
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Great expectations, loved that book as it shows that the more you want from life, the more troubles you get. Ehm personally i would forgive him this, people have 'episodes' in their lives and this sounded like just of one of them 'give him a second chance' oppertunities. I think the problem lies more in the 'lack' of communication between you two, i would open myself up to him, and start communicating about your future together with him.
     
  13. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    Me too...I never seem to live up to the ones people have of me :wtc:
     
  14. That's because expectations aren't real. They're just concepts that others define and change at will. Even if you did everything perfectly -- there will be those who change the rules in order to see too it that you "don't" live up to their expectations. Because if you do - it means they'll have to love you for the codependent that you are.

    You can never "live up" to anything -- you can only live, now. The expectations we put on others and others put on us while we're growing up in sick dysfunctional homes drives our addiction to be loved, accepted, or respected. Most of the time we receive nothing but condemnation, but once in a great while we receive love or some temporary kindness -- so the addiction is driven forward, and we'll tolerate the agony of being hurt over and over, just as long as eventually we get "a fraction" of relief and love.

    That's the hard part. These behaviors are about being abused, neglected, and deprived of the most fundamental needs of humanity. Love.... value, respect, compassion.
     
  15. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    This really, and I mean really, stuck out to me. Could this be why I knowingly put myself in the situations that I do? Just to get a fraction of relief and love?
     
  16. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~Author Unknown

    A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown

    If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark


    that all being said. I've been there, done the crossed over with my best friend thing. There's a thread buried here somewhere in the asylum where I recounted the story, and how painful it was when it ended.

    also, how there was a happy ending. I too was bout your age, and what I didn't realize at the time, is that she too was very hurt by what happened between us. She too was very disappointed in how she handled us, and what she did to me.

    We compounded the mistake by crossing back and forth into the friendzone, and more several times until I could no longer stand to be her yo-yo fuck. I went underground for over a decade, unlisted phone number, the works. It was easier than having a final blow-out confrontation, as I didn't want to hate, or hurt her, but I hated myself for allowing her to treat me, her supposed best friend the way she did.

    As Michael said, it's all part of the healing process. And for some of us, we take two steps forward, and then slide back one, or sometimes even 3 before making forward progress.

    part of the pain you feel is that which comes from the feelings of rejection. And judging by your post, it's something you are pretty unfamiliar with, perhaps due to your attractiveness, perhaps due to it being "him" that was the one doing it.

    Regardless - whatever the reason, he felt awkward after crossing over that zone, and was struggling with how to deal with it. I doubt that he intentionally was trying to hurt you - if he was there are far easier, and more blatant ways to do so.

    I won't dive into the whether or not friends should ever cross over - there are horrific disaster tales, and wonderful 70 year marriages that have both come from people who have been brave enough (or drunk enough :p ) to try it.

    Work on trying to manage your own expectations, and your own reactions to how people treat you, and keep putting one foot forward in front of the other. If the sands shift, and you slip a bit, so be it, just keep marching down that path. :)
     
  17. Yes. It is called Co-dependency and it is widespread. You are not alone. You are more than the sum of that term however. There is much more beneath the surface, and that term only identifies portions. Continue with your counseling, the answers will come.
     
  18. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    For some reason I still feel the need to be in the presence of men. For example, tonight is my only night off from my second job all week. And instead of stayin at home and doing something productive, I feel the need to be out and about with somebody. Not out like clubbin out, but just out in general be it to the movies or the mall or dinner or something.

    And its times like this that i get upset at myself because I'm talking to this great guy who actually might be what I need right about now (not the friend from Tally, but somebody else), and I will probably end up hangin out with somebody else tonight (great guy is not available this evening).
     
  19. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    Whoa. Didn't mean to just jump into a new topic like that. I was thinkin about it while I was reading the most recent responses.

    Me and the friend have been talkin more often than we used to, but he doesn't want to talk about what happened. All he keeps saying is that it felt awkward...
     
  20. That's why they're called Addictions dear.
     
  21. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    I'm addicted to men? Or to feeling wanted?
     
  22. Both. They're ultimately one and the same.
     
  23. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    Damn it sucks. There is almost nothing I want more than to settle down with one person. I don't necessarily mean settle down as in get married, but at least stop running around with these guys. But I can't seem to make myself do it.

    I was gonna try to avoid using names, but screw it. I ended up seeing John tonight when I really wanted to see Jason. But I couldn't see Jason today, so I saw Alex earlier then met up with John for dinner. But it's so frusterating because I woulnd't mind settling down with Jason, but in the meantime I keep hanging out with Alex, and John, and about 4 other guys that keep me entertained until something else comes along-be it work or another guy.

    That's when I start to get upset with myself. I could very well be ruining something good with Jason before it even starts....
     
  24. I agree, it's a problem.
     
  25. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    But I can't seem to fix it :wtc:
     

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