SRS WWOTD: Weird relationship v.longasfuck

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by StopDrop&LOL, Jan 15, 2006.

  1. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Ok, im in or WAS in a weird relationship. 4 years ago when i went to community college, i met this asian girl in one of my classes. Pretty damn hot by the way :naughty:. Anyways, the first time we hung out, i slept with her. It just happened. Shes a good girl, ive known her ever since and shes not your sterotypical slut who sleeps with guys on the 1st date. Well, i slept with her without putting any effort/emotion into it, so i never had the chance to develope any feelings for her. Well we carried on our sexual relation ship for quite some time (4 years). I treated her like shit! I was your typical bad guy. Hang up on her, talk down on her (sometiems). Ignored phone calls for weeks, changed number & didnt tell her, told her i was seeing othe girls, and stuff like that. She put up with this shit for ~4 years. I got tired of the games and i think she did to and asked me where our relationship was going (we werent bf/gf). I said i want to try and be in a relationship with you. She agreed, but she called me at inconvient times asking to hang out, like when im in my study group at school. I know i know...your suppose to make time and i was at fault. She got tired of me dodging her, when i wasnt trying to do it. I told her i just needed some time and she was like whatever, ok. We went back to being fuck buddies, when one day i realized how shitty i treated her. No other girl has put up with my shit like she has, so i said i had to call her and apoligize for everything in the past and how ive treated her. This isnt the REAL me. Well i told her im sorry and went from there. We didnt talk for a week after that. Now i was finding myself afraid of losing her, so i called her and again she asked me "what are we doing?" I was like i dont know, im tired of dragging this one. She asked me what do i want, and said a relationship. Long story short, she said no, she wants space (ive heard this dreadful word before, so i knew what that ment). She also said when she meets other guys, she doesnt "feel anything." Anyways, so she knew how i felt about her. She called me 3-4 days later, came over and had sex. The whole "where is this going, i dont want to be with you, than have sex thing" repeated itself once more. Than one night we went to the mall and she got mad cause i jokingly said "hey my bday present has to be atlerast $100." She said my tone of voice didnt sound like i was joking, i laughed and was like whatever. Than i jokingly said "bitch please" about something i forget and it got her mad...she drove me home, i said dont call em anymore and slammed the door. She called on my bday and that was it. Its been a week since ive talked to her. I really like her, but dont know what to do. I feel like if i try and go back, she will just tell me she doesnt want to be with me. Plus she already knows how i feel...this sucks. I dont know what to do

    :wtc:
     
  2. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

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    move on
     
  3. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    I think i am. Its weird though, i dont even feel the urge to call her or see how shes doing. I dont konw what to say if she calls though. Earlier when i told her i want to be with her, she said doesnt want to, she just wants to hear me say "we'll be friends/ill be ther for her." So if she calls i dont konw what to say. Do i try and see if she wants to work things out or just go back to being the blunt person i was and say something along the lines of "You said you dont want a relationshiop, so what do you want?"

    she told me before that she has a wall up now, kinda like how i had one up before :dunno:
     
  4. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    As harsh as it sounds you don't deserve her at all. What did you get out of treating her like shit in the past? Did it make you feel empowered or some other b.s? Pathetic really. Problem with society too many ass guys who use girls.

    Trying not to be mean or anything but I just hate that stuff. Move on now because the chances of the relationship you wanted are pretty much gone. Just be happy you learned a lesson.
     
  5. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    After reading this.. I am almost mortified that people treat each other that way. :wtc: But with that being said.. I want to say that she enabled you to push your boundaries further and further on her until it even became too much for even you to handle. It sounds like you both thrived off of the dysfunctional routine that you two had and as sad as that is, she probably never really considered having it any other way. As I'm sure you didn't either. Which is most likely why the positive relationship you tried to provide her with backfired horribly. You can be a caring, affectionate person to her for the next 4 years but she will always be ready to expect the worst because you showed her that your hurtful, spiteful ways came so natural to you (even if it didn't) and you have to ask yourself if you can live like that. I imagine the guilt (and I know you must be feeling guilty, per your post) alone would be heartbreaking should you fall in love with her. My suggestion is that you just make a clean break from her, and be careful with the apologies, if you toss them around nonchalantly they tend to hold zero meaning. She needs to move on and reevaluate why she allowed you to do the treat her the way you did via professional help or something of the like and (this is so cliche ofcourse) maybe you should consider therapy as an option to help you figure out what it was that maybe triggered your actions. Sex was one of the primary things from what I've read, but something more than that kept you coming back to her specifically for so long.


    I want to clarify that I am not trying to bash you at all, you have to deal with the same past that she's dealing with. You deserve to figure out how to take this experience and learn from it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2006
  6. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    I have to say here that she let herself become a willing victim as much as he let himself become someone capable of being so cruel. He was completely without a doubt wrong for what he did to her, and yet she still came back for more. She wasn't doing him any special favors by trying to be a real friend to him through thin and thinner. She definitely wasn't doing herself any favors by accepting it all.

    I will end this by saying it takes guts to admit to what he's done. He even probably realizes that he just put his own neck on the line to a bunch of people who will only know and judge him by the fact that he has it in him to cause pain on someone for no reason other than he could. Instead of automatically condemning him for something he cannot change, try hearing him out and do what we here at the Asylum do the best... help him in his time of need. :hs:
     
  7. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Thanks guys, i konw im an asshole, and a mean/weird person. She already pointed that out...this is coming from the person i cared about the most...i already feel like crap :wtc:

    I dont think i was trying to hurt her intentionally. Shes my best friend, why would i do that. I had a wall up, and it probably stems from my early childhood.

    I Never really knew my dad. He was an alcoholic/drug addict and put my mom through alot. They got a divorce and i saw it really hurt my mom and that hurt me. He ended up phasing himself out of my life and i havent seen him since i was probably 13. All i really wanted was a dad and to be happy as a kid. My mom had to work 50+ hours a week to provide for us and buy us nice things, so i never really had an adult figure in my life.

    While i was in HS, i opened up to this girl and she tore my heart out and stepped on it. Ever since then, i've had a wall up against people trying to get close to me. Its not something i like, but it just happens (i think) due to my early childhood.

    Hoot you said "She probably never really considered having it any other way." Like i said in my original post THATS NOT ME! I dont want to leave her with that impression of me. I feel like i cheated her and myself and wish to show her the real me.

    I know you said i should make a clean break from her, but we were both each others best friends. I havent told her the details of my past, so i dont think she knows where my harsh actions came from.

    You mentioned sex triggering my behavior. Ive tried, through actions adn words, to tell her i dont want a sexual relationship. There were times when she would come over and throw herself at me and i had to say no (boy was it hard,) but i managed to stick to it. Although it didnt last for long, i was trying.

    I dont know what to do, but i feel like i should atleast tell her about my past (a note maybe) so she knows where im coming from.

    Any thoughs?
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2006
  8. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    I think an explanation of the things you've gone through in your life in letter form would be an excellent idea, not only because you have the floor to say what you want to say without being interrupted or feeling as though you can't continue because it's hard to talk about things that hurt, but also because when you write out the things you feel are important you have the opportunity to read what you've written let it sink in that your times were real and now it's time to deal with them as a mature adult would. I have a hard time doing this myself, but you have to give yourself time to feel upset over the very shitty things your father put you and your mother through and how because of his influence, or lack thereof you have to do for yourself what he should have always been there to help you do.. That involves any sort of hurdle you have to climb alone.

    This girl is your best friend, you care about her and cannot understand why you put her through such hell.. We for some reason choose to hurt the ones we love the most (not on purpose ofcourse). It makes sense because our loved ones are the people we surround ourselves with and it's so much easier and more satisfying to make someone else feel like shit than have to explain your actions to someone that just won't understand, no matter how much you love each other. Or so you think... :hs:

    If you want the chance to fix things with this girl you have to make it a priority to keep an open trusting line of communication with her and make sure she understands that she has the responsibility of helping to maintain this as well if she wants to fix things. If you two can start talking and being honest about everything that's a step in the right direction.

    As far as her and the sex issue and your not wanting to have a sexual based relationship with her I respect that. Now, she needs to do the same, don't you agree? Maybe asking her why she feels the need to pressure you for sex even after you make it clear that that isn't what you want from her? Maybe she is trying to use sex as a replacement for something your relationship was lacking... Maybe that is how she feels affection from you since you were having a hard time showing her in any other ways.

    Ok, one last thing then I am off to bed. If you are not the person normally that treated her with disrespect and spite then you need to work double time to show her just exactly who you are. She's your best friend.. you want her to stay that way... make her believe that every time you see her. She's put up with the good, bad and ugly.. She deserves this much.

    I know this is a long ass response but I had alot to say.. hopefully it helps, if not, I hope that you find a way to take care of the issues you are currently facing.. I'm going to bed.. Take care
     
  9. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    WOW, thanks for your help hootahz. Your comments really put some things into perspective for me. Really appreciate it. Its been about a week since i've last talked to her, but maybe i shouldnt give up so easy. I just think im going to write her that note explaining everything and see where it goes. Do you think she will look at me differently after i do this?

    Also, she wants to be friends and having been intimiate with her, its too hard. So its either one or the other. If she decides to go on without me, so be it. I just have to take my loss like a man and move on since i brought this on myself. Atleast i will be at peace knowing i told her everything.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2006
  10. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Ok, I was ready for bed... but bed wasn't ready for me. heh

    I'm glad I could help you out some tonight, I've been kind of dealing with figuring things out about myself as well and maybe I can heed my own advice for once:hs:

    I have to emphasize this because it is very important for the both of you. She HAS to make up her mind. She CANNOT pressure you for sex if the only thing she is looking for is a friendship. Sex is one of the more important defining characteristics that seperates the two. For good reason. If she is saying one thing and her actions show another, I would have to wonder why you want to risk putting yourself through that extra stress while you are trying to improve your life ya know, as well as what is going through her mind when she is pressures you to hook up.

    Another thing you can do right now is gently nudge her back into your life, she might feel like you are offering her the upperhand for now, but with a catch or something and pushing too hard to get her to come around might seriously freak her out (women...fickle, odd creatures..you know).. You are offering her something she isn't used to you giving her. Just take your time with this one... Once the boundaries are set and it does turn out that you two are only friends,maybe try casual dating a little bit with other females. Ofcourse when you are ready after a little bit of time. It could prove to be beneficial for each of you.

    Another thing, quit beating yourself up so much over what should have been... This is your reality and quite honestly you have been given a shocking second chance, make the most of that. :x:
     
  11. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    The only time she was really pressuring me for sex was when i didnt want it.

    If i gently nudge her back into my life, i dont want to be "friends." Its hard to look at someone you were intimate with as "just friends."

    In regards to offering her something shes not used to, i was thinking it would kind of freak her out too. How should i go about this? I just think she will have this lasting impression of me, the bad-guy, and wont be use to the different side of me, thats what scares me.

    Last time we had an argument/little disagreement i ended up calling her back first. This time im not going to call her, but i am going to write the note. If she ends up calling me and "wants to talk" i will give her the note and see where it goes.

    Her birthday is Feb 8th and i know shes going to wonder if i will call her on her bday, but im not. If it goes that long without a phonecall, i think i know where we stand.
     
  12. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    One of the things that you could do without making her feel like you are only trying to place her right back where she was in your past relationship is to not only give her an explanation but to make a peace offering of the things you felt she has always deserved but you were too stubborn (for your own reasons) to give. Offer her respect. Make it clear that you know that one of the key elements to gaining her forgiveness and reestablishing her trust is to have her feel respected by you as a person, not a female, or potential girlfriend, but as a human that deserves to be treated as an equal. Another thing that she could probably use is someone she can talk to without the fear of being judged or ridiculed. It feels good to have someone hear you and understand the things you are going through. Ya know. Trust her. You didn't mention any reason not to so give it a shot. I know you were hurt in a past relationship and that makes trusting anyone difficult, but everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

    You know what it is that you want to give offer her, everything I mentioned above is the same things you would offer your mother or best friend because you care for them. But to her it will most likely have a different effect because it's coming from you (assuming she is receptive to you and your wish for a second chance) and you are showing the compassion she's probably never seen before out of you. Just acknowledge the moments when you should continue forward and when you should back off a little bit. Body signals are a clean cut indicator. Maybe you could give her something positive to look forward to on her birthday this year and have that letter ready, sitting inside a birthday card. I feel that either way, whether you hear from her tomorrow or never hear from her again.. You deserve the right to explain yourself. Especially since the way you feel and act is a justified response to the shit you've had to endure at an age when you needed your father and he wasn't there. Let her know at the very least she is your inspiration for the much needed change in your life. Well, we are kind of stuck playing the waiting game now... this is a great opportunity to just be you and get yourself back on track. You probably won't be able to write everything you want to say in one night, you can start to cope with that as well. All things that will make you stronger and be more inclined to continue being a great guy. Keep me updated and I genuinely hope that I've helped you out.. I'll keep an eye on here from time to time ofcourse. Good luck:x:

    Oh yeah.... as far as the sex issue, if she comes around try to keep that subject light. It is one of those things that you used as a manipulator, when you get back to that point... let her know that having sex is not the only way she can gain affection from you... and that when you do start having sex again it is because you each have a genuine interest in pleasing the other and enjoying the close intimate times you have together. That's what its supposed to be about anyway right?!!
     
  13. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Hoot, what do you mean by peace offerings?

    Thanks for your help. Never thought i would find this kind on OT. Ill keep you updated.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2006
  14. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Some pretty little wildflowers in a bow (maybe as an apology sort of thing).. or perhaps that phone call you said you didn't want to make on a particular day (atleast consider whether you being the bigger person here would help you out in the long run)... :x:

    In other words trying to bridge the gap enough to the point where you can start to prove to her the changes you want to make for her and yourself. I really think the card idea would be a great way to get her that letter as well as show her that you do think of her and remember some of the things she finds important.The perfect scenario would be to let her read her letter, on her birthday which would justify a phone call later in the evening to just talk about everything.

    Don't do anything too much that would make her uncomfortable, but just enough to make her think.

    Speaking as a female, if I were in her situation I would atleast want to hear what you had to say after reading the letter you plan on writing for her.. Females are curious by nature. :mamoru:
     
  15. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    so ive sat here for 20 mins and all i got down is one sentence :hs::o
     
  16. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Trying to do it all in one day always means that you've accidently left something out that was important...

    As you think about stuff, write your thoughts down.. Take what you've written and turn it into a letter after you feel like you have everything you want to say to her on paper. It also makes it more personal when you allow these thoughts to come to you and you are essentially sharing them with her. It will come to you, you just have to allow it to. When you do and you want to talk about that as well.. I'm here.
     
  17. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Hootz, you dont think by dropping all this stuff on her will scare her? I was thinking of sticking the note in her car on thursday night, just before she gets out of class. i feel if i wait too long, i will loser her, but at the same time, i feel like if i do it too soon, she will think im attached. what do you think i should do?
     
  18. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    i honestly know where you're coming from. i had a situation that was pretty identical to yours. there's no need to go into detail ;)

    i totally agree with hootz... tho i don't think the car thing is a good idea. a note included with a meaningful card would be :bigthumb:
     
  19. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Like a note from hallmark or something? Well if you read the previous post you would know that i had a rough childhood. Im thinking of leaving this out of the note. i dont want to come off as desperate. I think i will tell this to her in person.
     
  20. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    yes... :dunno: but then again, i'm the kinda girl that loves cards. (i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one on that one ;))

    sure, you could just say as much as you need to, and request a meeting so that you two could talk about other issues more important than to be written in a letter :)
     
  21. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    thx chica, i think i will do that.
     
  22. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    You aren't dropping a whole lot on her right now, you definitely want to give her a letter of explanation. No matter what. Being kind would just sort of be a follow up to what you intend to do. It's how quickly in which you transform that might be scariest for her. Hence nudging her subtly. If you just all of a sudden be the flower buying romantic then yes.. she would most likely freak out, just go about each day only as far as her reactions will let you. If after a reasonable amount of time has gone on with her not responding at all then you know what you have to do. If she does start to warm up to you then by all means proceed. Women tend to say what they mean in the way they act and not in what they say in words when they feel bothered. So pay attention, it won't always be easy and you may think she feels something she might not and that is where the communication on your part jumps in. Be the one to ask. It all ties in to place, I have a hard time explaining how because it's just something you know. But when you start this healing process for her, if you are genuine in your efforts things will make more sense and you will soon start to know too. You've gotten alot of advice to work with and things don't always have to be by the book, take what you now know and mold it to work for you and her. You can do it, just take that first step and don't look back.

    I just noticed that you wanted to omit your childhood out of the letter, maybe you should just have that conversation with her then give her a letter regarding how you feel and what you feel she deserves when it comes to giving her a safe, stable relationship. Answering her questions would be beneficial for the both of you.
     
  23. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    Well......she called me today :) I got her a sweet card, apologizing for my actions in the past. It sums up what i was going to say pretty good. Im just going to write a little apology from the heart on the card. Theres this sushi place that has a special on Wednesday and i mentioned it being sushi night. She asked if i want ed to go, i hesistated at first, but she insisted b/c she said she owes me a bday dinner. I told her i needed to explain some things to her, but at the right time, so i dont think i will explain it to her tonight. Maybe next week or something. Im just going to have fun and enjoy dinner with her like we use to and give her the card at the end, so she can open it when shes alone.
     
  24. StopDrop&LOL

    StopDrop&LOL "Where The Elite Become Champions"

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    She came over my house before we went out and i showed her my new digital camera. We took a couple pictures together, it was fun. She said she wants one of me.

    Dinner was good, we laughed, but i didnt have the talk with her. I kind of just went with the flow, you know what i mean? I dont know if that was a good idea or not, but the time and place just didnt seem right. When she dropped me off she said we never got to talk. I was going to give her the card, but i didnt write in it (not enough time), so she said just write in it and give it to her later. She'd lay her head on me and stuff like that, so we were kinda touchy. I got a couple kisses from her too, no tounge or anything, just something sweet. Now i just got to write something in the card.
     
  25. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Sounds like you were expecting the worst all along, and it just might be the opposite. Just keep up with how things are going and don't give up if she regresses at times.. If you keep moving forward she'll have no reason to not join you. A perfect place for a talk would be a park or something less stimulating than a restaurant. Good luck, I hope everything works out for ya :x:
     

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