SRS wow, what a great valentines day...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by HyPE, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    im not sure what im trying to say right now. but here goes...

    ive been dating this girl for 5 months tomorrow, and we just had a huge fight (again) and she just left saying she wasnt sure if she was going to come back (we had plans to go out for Valentines Day dinner tonight).

    to give you a little update, she has been pretty moody the last few days. not saying much, very sensitive about everything, etc...anywho, last night she brought up valentines day and what i had planned for her.

    seeing as ive been crazy busy with school I havent really had much time (or money) to plan anything extravagent. On a side note, I have been trying to figure something out that I could do, possibly make her something, but I cant bake worth shit, and my craft skills are crap.

    I told her this last night, and she instantly turned cold and wouldnt talk to me at all. Fine, I let her do her thing, I apologized (for what, i dont really know) and we kissed and said out goodbye's.

    Fast forward to this morning, and I texted her from school, saying the usual 'I love you" 's and such, and told her how much I care about her. She sends back a msg saying that I cant provide her with what she needs emotionally but that we will talk about it later.

    so i finish my classes for the day, head home and have her over. She barely says anything to me, almost a whisper when she does, and doesnt even look at me.

    trouble.

    so we sit, and I try to discuss what im doing wrong (not even knowing ive done anything wrong). She is still tight-lipped and barely says anything. I finally get her to open up and she says that she was pissed because I didnt do anything for her for Valentines Day (little did she know I actually made her something a few nights ago), and that I dont tell her what she needs to hear when she's upset.

    great. I told her blatantly that I cant read her mind, and that I try my best. She says she knows and that she expects too much out of this relationship (WTF!).

    now dont get me wrong, I treat this girl perfect. I tell her I love her, give her kisses, hold her when she needs me, I spend about 5 days a week with her despite being held down with labs (fuck i hate college), etc. In my eyes, I dont think I should be repremanded because I dont say everything she wants to hear.

    So she says she has to go drop something off at her sister's place, and I ask her if she will be coming back. She says she doesnt know but that she will call me.

    Now, im here at the laptop, trying to figure out what Ive done wrong. She has been one of the most neediest (sp?) girls ive ever dated but it hasnt really bothered me much. But now I can sort of see that because she is so needy that any normal guy will never be able to be there for her emotionally.

    anyways, sorry for this fuckin long post. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

    I just need someone to post something, anything...just in case I did do something wrong, but im too blind to see it.

    thanks :sadwavey:
     
  2. dstar

    dstar it's the motherfucking remix. OT Supporter

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    I'm sorry for the shit man. This reminds me of how I felt in a particular relationship I had, and although I don't know how to tell you this nicely...I was a lot happier when I got out and found someone else. In hindsight, I didn't realize how un-satisfied I was until I was in a better relationship later on. Then it reminds you how it should be.
     
  3. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    hey dstar, thanks for the reply.

    honestly, I think its over. I dont think I can be with someone who wont accept me for who I am and wants me to become someone who im not. Im not saying im a jackass for not being there emotionally as much as she would like me to be, but im ALWAYS there for her, and I think she just wants more and more...

    anyways, I know you're right dstar. Ive been in enough relationships to know when enough is enough....bah...
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    doesn't sound like it's worth it man. Best thing I can suggest is that if she comes back, tell her that she said she was leaving, and that you acted accordingly.

    It sounds like you've been making way too many sacrifices for her...take some control, put yourself higher on your priorities than her. I mean come on, you're apologizing to her, and you don't even know what you're apologizing for...does that seem right?
     
  5. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    ok, a quick update.

    she just called and said that she isnt coming back and that she's headed home.

    im guessing she's still extremely pissed and we're finished.

    ill let you guys know :hs:
     
  6. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    i actually told her that today while we were talking, that I make lots of sacrifices for her that she doesnt realize :eek3:

    thanks for the reply Matt, but as you can see in my previous post, she aint comin back. so im pretty sure its over.
     
  7. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    i know. i feel like a fuckin doormat.
     
  8. dstar

    dstar it's the motherfucking remix. OT Supporter

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    no problem man we have all been in tough spots

    just remember you should be getting back what you put in...and by the looks of it, you aren't getting that treatment.
     
  9. HyPE

    HyPE ::OTTC Crew #2839::

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    i know and ive been through enough shitty relationships to know this. fuck.
     
  10. Minh Lam

    Minh Lam Active Member

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    Im sorry your going through this but she sounds like a spoilt brat. She thinks that this relationship is one way. She sounds like a princess and just because she has a vagina you have to worship her. You sound like a top guy. Man Talk to her one more time and tell her you dont like being treated this way and tell her that she is in the wrong and explain to her why. If she doesnt want to listen then piss her off and move on.

    Girls are stupid sometimes. Man everyday should be a special day when you get to spend some quality time with your partner. But oh no these princess girls wait for v day so their soft boyfriends can spoil them so they can go and tell their friends how lucky they are blah blah.
     
  11. dstar

    dstar it's the motherfucking remix. OT Supporter

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    Key word in the above: soft.

    Don't be soft. No one likes that shit.
     
  12. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Well looking at both sides to the story, it sounds like much time was given to her for the relationship. As you sound like a very busy person. Saying "I love you" doesn't mean shit if it ain't shown. Words are meaningless, actions speak louder, I'm sure you heard this before.

    This looks like the case. She has probably been feeling this way for quite some time to see if you would change, but with you being as busy as you are, she didn't see any future. Thus she made the move to cut you loose. Making the time (as you said, 5 days a week) is cool, but I guess it really boiled down to with what you did with that time...

    Doesn't sound very complicated to me :dunno:
     
  13. ia_cox

    ia_cox Active Member

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    Sounds to me if this was the case she was sitting there expecting him to resolve the situation he really didn't know existed. It doesn't seem like she ever communicated this to him before. It's a five month relationship and she's given him a door; I'd take it if I were him. He deserves way better than that childish treatment and she needs to realize how good she had it.

    Stories like this remind me of my ex, and it makes me hate women all the more...
     
  14. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    Just dump her and be done with it.
     
  15. GanglyGoodness

    GanglyGoodness .

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    She sounds like a selfish bitch. Why would you want to be with someone who won't even recognize the sacrifices you make for her? Someone who would honestly break up with you because you did not create a fantasy fairytale valentine's day setting for is not worth the effort. Especially when you're sacrificing other important obligations - relationships are not a one way street.
     
  16. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    I hate that day it has always sucked even with a girl friend.
     
  17. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I can see a dozen things you did wrong, and you need to wake up and learn how women need to be treated. Let's go over it, because you're doing everything I used to do. USED to do.

    Mistake #1: You told her you're not doing anything for her for Valentines day. HUGE mistake. You just said to her "You're not worth me taking any time or effort to do anything for, since you're shit." That is exactly how she took it. Next time, the CORRECT answer is "Sorry, I can't spoil the surprise, but yes I do have something planned. Please, you take me to be 'Captain Gonna Get My Ass Kicked On Valentines Day Because I Didn't Do Anything?' :rofl: "

    Get it?

    Mistake #2. You let her go without truly understanding what was going on. The kiss was empty. You didn't tell her to stick around until you figured out what was going on. Of course, at this point, you would probably need months of thinking through things to figure it out. :sadwavey:

    Mistake #3. You did not address the problem you caused the other day. Instead you told her "I'm going to ignore your feelings and needs, avoid the problems I caused, hope that I can kiss your ass and you'll forgive me, grovel at your feet and kiss your ass." That's VERY unattractive. HUGE. Like, where's the giant font that was wrong concept.

    Mistake #4. You're dealing with heated issues over IM/SMS. Get the fuck away from text messages, people! Over 90% of human communication is non-verbal body language. So you lose 90% of your ability to communicate when you are on the phone, IM, or SMS. And you're FIGHTING over it? :rolleyes: Knock it off. Use IM, phones, and the likes to make dates, get quick updates, or ask quick questions. It must NOT be a primary form of communication.

    Ya think? :mamoru:

    Mistake #5. She cannot and will not tell you what you've done wrong. Your ACTIONS are what you've done wrong. You are treating her like your mother who must love you always, and whom you can never do wrong by. Guess what? She's not. You must WORK to keep her attracted TO you. Telling her you had no plans for VD is a big smack in the face. It would be the same as her telling you that she spent the day at your best friends house sucking his dick. How would you feel about that? That's basically what you told her. Why would you DO that if you love her so much? You did it because you are failing and don't know any better, I suspect.

    Mistake #6. So you lie to her when she's upset. Brilliant. :slap: And you upset her on purpose. Brilliant. :slap: What were you thinking? :ugh: The reality is that you have to act like a mature and responsible ADULT and treat her like an adult. You're treating her like a child or a pet. WTF. You need to grow up and treat her with a lot more respect. No wonder she's backing away from you, I think most women in that situation would do the same thing.

    Mistake #7. You said "I'm an idiot." She said "You're immature and I thought you were a real adult male, but you're not, so she has to take matters into her own hands and treat you like a child, and shit's about to end."

    Mistake #8. You treat her like you are a worthless boy and you think that kissing her ass makes her attracted to you. You tell her you love her, but you don't get her anything on Valentines Day. The MOST important day of the year. You are probably TOO smothering and overbearing. Don't tell her you love her every day, SHOW her by doing something about it!

    Mistake #9. That's where you are wrong. It's not that she wants to hear stuff, she wants you to back it up with words. And she doesn't want you to do everything FOR her, she wants you to be an adult male and have a life that is one that YOU want. You need to act like a leader, a role model, a father figure, and prove to her that in the long run you'll be a good husband, a good provider, a good lover, and a good man who can deal with problems.

    You, alas, have very little experience, and need to understand that your actions will drive away every woman you date. You've got to get over telling her you love her every day. I mean ... shit ... it loses it's value if you do that. SHOW her how you love her by painting the living room pink, getting some candles, make a TV dinner, whatever ... DO something that shows effort.

    Mistake #10. You asked if she is coming back. You knew the answer. You're too afraid to speak the truth. The truth is that you fucked up, you know it, and you needed to work on it, and she's dumping you. When a woman dumps you, it's time to wake up and realize that you're making fatal flaws in your relationship and it will occur over and over until you identify your immature behaviors.

    Mistake #11. Wrong. She's needy because you were failing to make her feel comfortable. You were making mistake after mistake, which were signs to her that you did not love her. When she finds a man who can hold her arms and look her in the face and say "Hey, calm down, I have plans for VD, now go get dressed." and reassure her in a mature manner she's going to be fine. She knows exactly what she needs, she just can't tell you. And you don't know either. So the reason why she moved on is to find a man who does know. You can be that man (although not with her any more) if you take the time to go read some books on dating and relationships, etc. Until you dedicate the same amount of time to women as you do your labs, your computer, your whatever it is ... you won't understand them.

    I've been in your shoes. I was like that until I was 30 years old and I stumbled across some dating advice web sites. I bought some books. Then I read them. I actually read them TWICE to be sure I understood what was going on. And as I read them I recognized more and more things I had TOTALLY failed at. I mean like ... miserably. Wow. I was just like you. I had no clue. It's taken me years (2 at first to get anywhere meaningful) but now I have a lot better grip on women. Not perfect (I should share my fuck-up from the other day, but suffice to say I actually had to stop, sit for 30 seconds, and then come up with a GREAT response) and probably never will be, but I'm a lot further along because I spent time learning.

    Mistake #12: Your job here is to learn from your mistakes, and then learn from other's mistakes and NOT make those same mistakes again. If your happiness is important to you, I'd recommend you start searching out dating advice web sites. There's lots out there. You're not learning from them right now, and that has to change.

    GL! :x:
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I agree with almost everything Poco said.

    I just wanted to mention, tho, that not necessarily in this case specifically, but some women ARE just too high-maintenance and needy. It's not that the guy isn't doing anything right, it's just that the girl is an uppity-bitch for whatever reason. You can call it low interest level or whatever.

    Like on V-Day, if a guy sends his gf flowers at work, but one of her coworkers' bfs sends her (coworker) twice as many flowers. A nice gf would say "thanks for the flowers, honey." But a bitch would get pissed off because her coworker got twice as many flowers and, because she's emotionally immature, would give her bf shit for "not loving her as much" as her coworkers' bf loves her coworker. In this case, the bitch's bf didn't do anything wrong: his gf is just a bitch.

    So yes, often, it is the guy doing stupid shit that is pushing the girl away. But sometimes the girl is the cause and the guy cannot realistically keep her happy (meet her demands) like if she's a golddigger or has princess-syndrome or something.
     
  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Yeah, avoid gold-diggers at all costs. In this case I don't quite see that coming across, but it's hard to say. We'd need more details.

    Some of my rules:

    #1 No clinically insane women
    #1 No gold diggers
    #1 No nags
    #1 No frigid women

    Notice there are a lot of #1 rules to keep in mind.... ;)
     
  20. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    Looks like she mighta been just looking for a reason to cut you loose. That's a pretty lame reason to let a relationship go if you really love someone.
     
  21. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    She was looking for a reason to cut him loose because he wasn't doing things right. When she has to "look" for a reason to cut things loose: you done fucked up.

    Reading the original post, at first, I was like "Wow dude, that sucks"... then I reread it and said "This happened because you did something wrong", and the biggest point I would emphasize for the next girlfriend this guy has is communication. He didn't effectively communicate, he lied to her, himself, and then watched it fall apart with a huge question mark above his head. Yeah, it happens. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
     
  22. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    What did he lie about? I'm confused?

    Sounds like this relationship was a bit too serious for being 5 months old too, btw and like you aren't using your brain, just saying shit a girl wants to hear, which will always backfire in the end.
     
  23. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    What a bitch. You're better off if she decides never to come back. She seems very materialistic - getting angry and cold because after 5 months you didn't plan something extravagent for her on Vday.
     
  24. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    :werd: and you prrobably fucked up more than once. More like once a day or once a week to get a woman to dump you.

    Exactly.
     

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