SRS wow im completely shocked

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JemmaX, Feb 16, 2007.

  1. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    my boyfriend broke up with me today. I am totally in shock. Things were good, we talked about moving in together a couple weeks ago, some of you may remember my thread about that.

    We have little spats and whatnot but its been a great relationship. I came home from work today and noticed all his cd's were gone (he had been putting them all on my itunes so they were all around my computer). then there was a letter on my bed. he broke up with me in a fucking letter!

    the jist of the letter is that he feels like he has learned all he can from us, and that he feels like he is getting too comfortable in our relationship and needs to be challenged and to continue growing emotionally and spiritually, and this isnt doing it.

    now this is the part that Im really struggling with: he also said im the best girlfriend he has ever had, this has been the best relationship he has ever had and he loves me more than he has loved anyone else.

    I cant see how he can justify giving that up, if its true. I talked to his roommate for a while and she pointed out that he hasnt had a relationship last over six months since he got divorced four years ago. she thinks he has committment issues. I think he has impossible expectations and as soon as the relationship got real, he got tired of it.

    Im sad, heartbroken, and wanted to get it out. thanks ot.
     
  2. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    :hug:
     
  3. LBFilmGuy

    LBFilmGuy LOL why u mad tho?

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    sorry to hear, but be glad it happened now rather than later...ONCE you were moved in together, possibly married or with kids

    everything happens for a reason
     
  4. ImNoSnowWhite

    ImNoSnowWhite New Member

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    wow...i am so sorry darlin. :hugot:
     
  5. toeshoes

    toeshoes Guest

    At least he waited until after Valentine's Day to do it. Why does he have a female roommate? That, to me, would have been a red flag from the beginning.
     
  6. VashTheStampede

    VashTheStampede New Member

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    To me the guy sounds like a douchebag. It's sad to hear, but he should have done it face to face with you.
     
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    A letter??? That's pretty weak.

    Sounds to me like he just got spooked. Did something happen recently that may have drawn you closer together??

    Is is possible he and the rommie are closer than you thought??
     
  8. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    That's lame.

    So he really didn't want to move in together...the conversation may have been ok at the time but later, when he thought about what it *REALLY* meant, he got scared.

    That's guilt talking if I've ever heard it. While it also might be true he's more scared of moving in and being married than he is of leaving you to start with someone else.

    His roommate is right.

    Sorry for your loss.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    He had fear of commitment and fear to lose his personal space and freedom to do whatever he wants to do. I think he wanted to eat the cake but not the burdens that come with a relationship. The way he bailed out is just a lame exuse, normally a person would communicate to their partner on what is wrong in the relationship, if for instance he wanted to do something more exiting you two could have gone parachute jumping for all i know, but i don't think he ever opened his mouth to you on what was giving problems.
     
  10. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    I'm guessing the moving in together talk scared him so he wanted to find the quickest way out.
     
  11. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    Today I am totally pissed off and frustrated. The last few weeks had been kind of strange so I wasnt completely shocked when it happened. We did talk for quite some time about it last night, I wasnt going to let him get away with just leaving me a letter.

    this is his Standard Operating Procedure from what I can figure; he falls in love quickly, pushes the relationship on fast (marriage talk much sooner than I normally wouldve), then when the fun part is over he bails.

    I was stupid in thinking that I was different, that this relationship was different than his others because he took me to CA to meet his parents over the holidays, something he has never done before.

    He says the moving together talk was because he felt like we needed a change to get over whatever was going on. Apparently im too stupid to really know that what was going on was something other than normal relationship stuff.

    he has been married twice before, i think he has it stuck in his head that the third time needs to be the last time and therefore needs to be perfect. I feel sad for him, i think he is going to have a sad lonely life.

    His roommate is an exgirlfriend from four years ago. He lives in her basement. she lives upstairs with her current boyfriend. There is nothing going on there, but it was nice to get some relationship history from her. she told me she thought that he had changed, that our relationship seemed different so she was shocked that he did this too.

    Im trying to look at it from the perspective of at least it happened now rather than later. Its hard though. I feel out of control in the situation, i had no choice and i feel jipped.

    he is very concerned about us being friends in the end. I fear that it is partly out of guilt because i know he is friends with a few exes and that seems to be the case. Im not really sure where we will end up on that. right now i cant be his friend though.

    he sent me a text last night that he missed me 'so fucking much'. i text him back and told him i know that without him saying so why does he feel he needs to tell me. he responded that he was sad and needed to tell someone. i responded that i cant be that 'someone' and he needed to find someone else to sympathize with him. it was hard to say that but i need to do some self preservation.

    im so emotionally drained today and its my long day, working two jobs back to back... :(
     
  12. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    GOOD FOR YOU BABY!! It's AWESOME that you have that attitude already!

    You know you need to make a clean break and telling him to find someone else to sympathize with him was exactly the right thing to do. :bowdown:

    You'll be fine girl. You stay strong. Put your big girl pants on, keep your head high and walk right threw this. Someone who breaks up with you in a letter is not worth your time and love.

    You did good. :bigthumb:
     
  13. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    thanks for the support. :)

    He sent me a text tonight while I was madly running around at my restaurant job "every song i hear reminds me of how much i miss you". totally caught me off guard and it was hard to refocus. I wouldve turned off my phone but i need to leave it on in case my son needs me.
     
  14. johan

    johan Active Member

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    feh. block his calls.
    it's the end of the line for this loser.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Don't accept to be his friend, he just wants you to dance in the palm of his hands,which is something you shouldn't do. Let him show that there are consequenses to his actions.
     
  16. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Good to hear you were able to say that to him!

    Breaking up with you in a letter is pretty low. I agree it sounds like he has committment issues after 2 failed marriages. Did they fail due to him rushing into them too quickly?

    Keep your head up, so far it seems you'll be trucking along just fine.
     
  17. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    the first one was one of those whirlwind things that went horribly wrong and ended quickly. he admits it was a mistake that he is not proud of. the second was about two years of dating and six of marriage. he says she was emotionally abusive to him and after a while needed to get out to save himself.

    I was such a good girlfriend! He said in the letter that I will blame myself and that I shouldnt, but im not blaming myself at all. I treated him better than anyone else I have ever been with and was great to him. apparently though, i was not the one for him in the long run. it really stings.

    tonight is hard. my kids are at their dads til tuesday. i dont have work (at either job) for three days because we were going to go out of town this weekend. no boyfriend. no plans. kinda getting a little panicky here but ive called a few friends and im trying to get myself out of the house.
     
  18. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :bigthumb: Too bad he still doesn't get it since he texted you again. I would tell him to stop texting you because you are trying to move on and have no reason to talk to him. He's just trying to mess with your head, you don't need someone like that in your life.
     
  19. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    He sent me a text last night that he was feeling bipolar. He actually is diagnosed bipolar and stopped taking his meds about nine months ago. i hope he starts again. I wasnt sure how to respond so i didnt. he doesnt have any friends to talk to, me and my friends were his only friends. im really worried about him.
     
  20. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I know this is hard, but unless you want to stay in that support role, don't respond when he texts saying he is feeling bipolar. It may be a way for him to get your attention.

    It's his thing to deal with, not yours. It's said nowhere that you still have to be his friend and help him after he broke up with you...and even if you wanted to, I would recommend against it. You need time to separate yourself from him, and going back to see him and support him, even as just a friend, will complicate that separation process.
     
  21. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    ok where to begin - he called me today i didnt answer he said he wanted to talk, to explain things better to me. I eventually called him back and then met him somewhere to talk.

    He said he got scared, that our relationship is bigger than he could handle, and that he was worried he couldnt do the things he wants to do for himself if we were dating. so in his mind the only solution was to break up with me. He wants to work things out and regrets handling things that way.

    Im still so pissed at him. He hurt me really bad. Im frustrated that he couldnt just talk to me about what he was feeling and what was going on in his head. I dont understand why he thinks breaking up is the only solution.

    I dont know what to do. My friends say i need to not talk to him for a couple weeks, give him time to decide if this is really what he wants and time to show me that he is really committed to working this out.

    I want to be with him. I never wanted to break up in the first place. but im scared that 1) it will happen again 2) things wont be the same between us ever again if we do get back together 3) im compromising myself too much.

    Im having a lot of anxiety about this. Im still so angry, im not sure if and when i can get over that. He recognizes and took responsibility that he got us to this place not me. It sucks that things seemed so good a couple weeks ago and now its so fucked up.

    opinions?
     
  22. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i think you both should take a short time away from each other so that each of you could get your heads straight. Then at that point you will really know how you feel and he will too.
     
  23. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    Run for the hills?

    Don't let him play an emotional mind fuck with you. It seems he realized that he made a mistake a little too late. I agree with what your friends are saying, you two should take time apart. You probably will never trust him as much as you did before, and don't let him. He has issues he clearly needs to deal with, and he needs to learn how to deal with them rationally.

    Do what you want to do. Just make sure you always look out for yourself first. If you truely feel he will do this again instead of being a man and facing his fears, than you know your answer. Just don't let him be the "emotionally abusive" one.
     
  24. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Don't enable him. If you get back with him, nothing will change becayse you're tacitly telling him with your actions that his behavior is acceptable. It's not, so don't. Encourage him to get back on his meds and seek counselling to work through his issues. You, in the meantime, can move on with your life.
     
  25. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    The part bolded is just more proof that he has a fear of committment at this time. He's basically saying that he doesn't want to be tied down to anyone. Do not get back together with him....if you do, nothing will change. Odds are, you'll also always be worried in the back of your mind that he will get scared and break up with you again. Why be in a relationship that always has you fearful in the back of your mind?

    I know people can change...but if he were ready to commit, he would have done so when you guys talked about moving in together. Giving him another chance, and not taking the next step will just allow him to use you for what he wants for a little while more...and when you bring up commitment again, I bet he would disappear.

    I can't remember how long you said you guys had been together, but odds are that his mind is not going to be changed in a temporary respite period.

    Stay strong....you deserve to be with a guy who can commit.
     

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