I posted earlier in a thread in OT, about things that make you feel guilt and it somewhat opened up a floodgate of shit. Just a bit of background of what has made me, what I am. When I was 7, we moved from Ohio to Tennessee because of my dad's job. I never really did well with the move because I had to leave my mom's side of the family behind. Once I got here, I found out that we had moved from the city, to a 300 acre farm, with no neighbors. I was considered "weird" because I was a redhead, my name was "Richie", and I generally got teased a lot. So I spent all my time at home, watching TV and by the time I was 14 I weighed around 250lbs. This lead to me being teased even more, and me becoming even more of a shut in. It was around this time that my sister and I began to really hate each other. I had always been jealous that she got so much more leniency from my parents, and got everything she ever asked for. I remember one night telling her that i wanted her to die and go away, so that I could be in the spotlight once. My sister adored me at that point and I threw it all away because of my jealousy. To this day, we barely talk and we still hate each other. When i was 16-17, coincidentally, I joined OT and I really started to mimic E-thugging IRL. I because a huge asshole to everyone I knew and this actually got the attention of girls. I guess it was at this time, I really changed. I became violent, aggressive in every aspect of my life, verbally abusive to people I didn't even know. When I left for college, I quit both of my jobs and relied on my parents to pay my rent, groceries, EVERYTHING. My parents never told me that I was bankrupting them, and they ended up losing the house because of me. I still blame myself for all of this, and I dont think it will ever change. After losing the house, my parents and I moved in with my grandparents. Me being selfish was pissed that everyone got a bedroom and I had to sleep on a cot in the living room. I went on a trip with my GF of 5 years and when I got home, my mom told us that she had cancer. I didn't even cry, I just said "okay" while my GF sat in tears. I still feel like it is my fault. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I really feel like I needed to get a lot of this off my chest. After talking to a couple of people on OT today, I really think that I need to find professional help for myself. I've got a lot of serious problems, and I dont think that I am in the right state of mind. My GF has threated to leave me multiple times because of me being angry and aggressive all the time. My family has shunned me for it. I fucking have noone anymore. Even when the GF is over, I feel like I don't even connect with her.