Would you want to know/would you tell?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by radfad88, Apr 20, 2010.

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Would you want to know/would you tell?

  1. I would want to know AND I would tell.

    20 vote(s)
    37.0%
  2. I would want to know BUT I wouldn't tell.

    24 vote(s)
    44.4%
  3. I wouldn't want to know BUT I would tell.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. I wouldn't want to know AND I wouldn't tell.

    10 vote(s)
    18.5%
  1. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    Last year I went away to AIT school (Army school you go to after basic training that teaches you about your job within the army). Day one I met this guy who got there the same day I did and we hit it off. Just as friends at first, we both bonded with a group of about 8 friends.

    Fast forward about 5 weeks when we get more privileges (can leave the base, drink, stay out overnight, etc.), and the attraction grew and we basically spent every spare moment together. People started recognizing us as a couple. Things progressed and it turned physical. We messed around a lot and slept together once. Right around that time, I found out (through facebook, heh) that he had a GIRLFRIEND back home.

    Now, this guy had managed to not mention his girlfriend to me or any of our other good friends (most of them guys) for what was now like 7 or 8 weeks... I confronted him about it and basically he told me that he really liked me and was sorry he was such a scumbag about the whole thing, but that things with him and his girl were "rocky at best" and that things were "basically over". He said they only talked like once every two weeks now and they both knew things were 'coming to an end'. He said he just didn't have the guts to tell her/hurt her since they had been together for 3 years before he left for the army.

    I told him that I liked him too but that I wasn't comfortable helping him cheat on his girlfriend. He said he understood and that he would let me know how the breaking up was progressing.

    About a week after this talk we made out a couple more times when we were drunk at a bar. We had a talk about his gf AGAIN, nothing had changed, so I really cut it off. It was weird because we were both part of the same circle of friends but when we went out I tried my best not to pair off with him like I'd done before. By this time everyone found out about his gf and the general reaction was shock (because everyone knew about our relationship and it came from left field that he was cheating).

    We went out one night and another guy approached me and asked for my number/to take me out sometime. I gave it to him and in the cab ride home with everyone the cheater guy made a big scene about how I'm a bitch for doing that in front of him (wtf, he had a gf!). So what little hope of a friendship we had was soured that night.

    Things were just awkward for weeks with us until we graduated and went our separate ways. Now he lives on the other side of the country and is still with that same girl... and they just got ENGAGED.

    I told this story to a friend of mine the other day and her immediate reaction was that I "have to tell that girl before she makes a huge mistake and marries him."

    I told her it wasn't my business especially since I'll probably never see the guy again. She asked me wouldn't I want to know the kind of guy I was marrying, especially since he's military now and will probably be faced with being apart like that for long periods of time again.

    Now I'm conflicted. I really don't care about salvaging a friendship with the guy because he's scummy... but we do have a lot of mutual friends that might turn on me if they think that I'm intentionally trying to ruin his relationship to get back at him or something. I don't really feel the need to lash out at him, I just feel kind of bad for the girl if she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. The guy comes off as a really genuine, sweet, guy... but it obviously good at hiding things.



    Anyways I think I've decided NOT to tell her because it might add unwanted drama to MY life, but it still lends me to see what others think about the situation. I'm especially curious to hear what the men here have to say about the situation... If the roles were reversed and your gf had gone away and cheated on you in this sneaky manner, would you want the other guy to come forward if he found out you two were going to get married?


    So... would you want to know as the fiance? And would you tell as the person in my shoes?




    CLIFFS: Guy went away to Army training, portrayed himself as single when he had a gf back home and cheated. He went home to his girlfriend and now they're engaged.
     
  2. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    Would never say a word.
     
  3. GTP

    GTP New Member

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    You should have told her right away. If you are worried about drama, try to put an anonymous spin on it.
     
  4. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    would not tell

    would want to know

    ^contradictory, but its all just lookin out for myself :dunno:
     
  5. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    It's none of your business. Quit stalking him.

    If the roles are reversed I would have already discovered that my partner is cheating because I'm not an idiot.
     
  6. Holliday

    Holliday New Member

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    same

    I would want to know if my fiance was whoring around behind my back, but I wouldn't tell if I was in your situation.
     
  7. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    Would have "right away" except I was dumb and believed his "we're in the process of breaking up" bullshit... I figured if it was really ending then it didn't matter if she knew or not because it was gonna be over.

    I've thought about doing it anonymously but I just don't know how I could do that... I only have her info on facebook and without giving her specific details then I feel like he could always be like "that's just some crazy person trying to ruin our good thing". I don't think I'd believe an anonomous tip that just said "Your fiance cheated on you" without any specifics.



    This is how I feel, which is why I posed both questions lol
     
  8. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Personally I'd want to know for sure. Better to chop the cheater off at the knees now than to find out later and go through the legal proceedings of a divorce/annulment.

    If your mutual friends did turn on you for warning her, I wouldn't count them as any big loss. Right is right, wrong is wrong. If they can't see that cheating is wrong and don't realize you're doing this girl a favor, they're not worth having as friends anyway.
     
  9. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    I'm not stalking, lol. One of our mutual friends (my old roommate) told me on the phone the other day. I went to his page to confirm and there it was with about 100 people commenting how "happy they are for the perfect couple to be getting married" :rofl:
     
  10. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    In which case, you should have spoken up the minute you realized he was lying and the relationship wasn't going to be over.
     
  11. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    You just know how to pick them don't ya...

    And personally... I'd want to know. I wouldn't care who told me (be it the cheater, a random 3rd party or my S.O.) because there's no way I would EVER marry someone that had cheated on me. I'm a firm believer in once a cheater always a cheater.

    So I'm gonna go with tell her. Do it anyonymously if you have to.
     
  12. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    Then there's always the question of... What if she already knows?

    Although judging by his lack of character in hiding the fact that he had a gf in the first place I don't see him as the "come clean" sorta guy... but it's possible that he came home, told her, she was cheating on him too and they patched things up? :dunno:
     
  13. Sirreal45

    Sirreal45 New Member

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    No need to say anything. Maybe they were going through a rough patch and he really did feel like he didn't want to be with her...they worked things out and are moving on. You're doing the right thing by moving on too.
     
  14. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    In hindsight I could have, but I was just worried about there being too much drama... I lived a floor away from this guy and had to see him literally 16 hours of the day.
     
  15. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    If you tell her and she says she already knew, then at least it's no skin off your nose. She's just being an idiot for staying with and marrying someone she knows is a cheater.

    Unless this is the case, in which case I guess you'd call it entering an open marriage.
     
  16. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    poll's up.
     
  17. Acciaio

    Acciaio New Member

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    How could you just let that girl marry that douche bag?
     
  18. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    This. You don't have 100% of the details. You'll never see him again. Why throw a wrench into someone elses life?

    Plus for all she'll know you're just some vindictive bitch making shit up for god knows what reason.

    Let the two live their lives no matter how it turns out.
     
  19. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    :dunno: I don't know her... I can't say I feel incredibly attached to the situation since I have never met/will never meet her. As bad as that sounds I just don't know it butting in will be worth the drama.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    Rad, you are so far removed from this situation, it seems stupid to dig your way back to tell this girl.

    maybe other circumstances would change my opinion, but with these details, it seems like way too much effort on your part to contact this girl and try to convince her of the truth

    theres also nothing that says she doesnt already know. she IS dating/marrying someone from the military after all, its not like she isnt aware of all the time spent apart and the chances for cheating
     
  21. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    That's why I went into so much detail with the OP, making it so long. I felt it was necessary to understand the situation.
     
  22. Holliday

    Holliday New Member

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    She doesn't owe this girl anything. Why should she have to go out on a limb to contact someone she doesn't or will never know? I say just stay out of it.

    If she does end up telling this girl and it gets back to their mutual friends it can only make her look like a jealous bitch. There is no gain to be had here.
     
  23. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Would not tell.

    Not sure if I would like to know. Knowing would definitely destroy the relationship.
     
  24. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    you cant go digging up old issues like that.
    If you had told her right after he said he was going to break up with her or something, thats one thing.... but way after the fact? its just not your business by any stretch of the imagination.
     
  25. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    its his responsibility to tell her not yours.
     

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