SRS Work Vent: What to do?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by The Secretary, May 8, 2007.

  1. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    To start off this is going to be really long.

    Me and this guy are friends at work he is old enough to be my dad. He’s married no kids, I am in a committed relationship of 3.5 yrs next month. He has cheated. We have relatively the same seniority we were hired in a month apart with him being the month ahead. Well over the past 2.5 years or so we have been friends we work together. We have never done anything outside of work. He has this aurora at work of being the creepy old guy.

    Fast Forward:
    He has had sexual harassment stuff brought against him at work, I know about this however, I am not supposed too. He never really did anything wrong just women that have their head so far stuck up their asses they need glass stomachs to see. He was let go at his previous employer for the same reasons (he was at fault at this employer). In fact the next time he gets in trouble at our employer he’s fired.


    Now we have had a pretty open relationship we talk about everything. He has never made a pass at me, never asked me out etc. He and I have made sexually explicit comments at work but not directly about each other. Im not the prettiest girl in the place by any means of the word. Technically, I am overweight by a pretty good bit but I carry it very well and have a big chest.

    I showed him a pic of some working being done to my house and in the reflection of a window you can see my nipples are quite hard. I didn’t realize this before I let him see the photo or I would have never showed it to him or anybody else. I did inspect the pics before I showed them to others, I didn’t just show it to him. The first thing he notices and comments on is the fact that he can see my nipples in my shirt. He asks if it was cold outside and just happy to see somebody. He also tells me not really in private, but didn’t talk in a normal voice that he had always wanted to know what my nipples looked like. I was completely put aback by the statement because I knew he wasn’t joking. I wanted to reach across my desk and his and knock him out of his chair. I told him that it was uncalled and quite offensive he apologized. I put it behind me.

    Another Situation:
    Me and another girl I work with go to the same college, and we are on facebook, and we were commenting on how work blocked facebook and myspace and sites of the like and how that sucked. My guy friend interjects himself and starts asking what’s facebook? He knew what myspace was but didn’t have a profile at the time. Later that day we were sitting at work and he says how I have a special place in my heart for him. I was like uh no I don’t I might have a place but it definitely isn’t special. I thought he was joking and went on. However, last night I get message from what I thought was some random person. The message looked like spam and I almost marked it as such but I clicked on the profile and it was my friend from work. In the message he commented in general about my pics and name I have and it just reeked of creep. I at this moment feel very invaded and just uneasy. I show the message to my boyfriend and he was like this guy is a class A creepo. I quickly upon recommendation of my boyfriend set my profile to private and don’t add him as a friend. I was very torn whether or not I should add him as a friend because of work relations afterward.

    Today:
    I go into work, and I have been doing finals for the past week, I am mentally and physically tired. He starts ragging about how work sucks, being nit picky and all in all being a big sandy vagina. I told him since he complains about the job so much you do one of two things; suck it up and do your job or quit. The stuff he was raggin’ on is stuff I don’t agree with but there really isn’t anything that either of us can do about. He didn’t receive that very well because I wasn’t being the warm compassionate ass kissing friend. I was in a keep’n it real mood. He leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. I talked with a mutual friend about it, and she said that it was maybe time to have a heart to heart about the issue. I agreed. Not long after I talked with her, this my guy friend leaves me 3 vm’s about how we are just friends etc etc. If he led me to think anything more hes sorry, he mentionst my boyfriend on the vm too. He doesnt mention anything about his wife. Which didn’t sit well with me. How much he respects me and is a dad type figure. Trying to explain away any liability in the situation. Which I believe is the biggest crock of bullshit ever. I really think if I would let him he would be in my pants. I am not saying that because I am being conceited or anything. I just think that’s how he would want things if I didn’t have as much respect for myself mostly and his wife and their marriage(which he is completely unhappy in)


    With all the information said here:

    What do I do?
    Do I go to a supervisor and mention the situation?
    Do I handle it between he and I?
    Do I ask to be moved desks so I don’t have to have any further interaction with him anymore?


    This is what I want to happen. We settle the issue between us go back to being strictly work friends and not talk about anything personal. I believe that 2 adult people should be able to do this.

    What may have to happen which I don’t want. I move desks sever contact go to a super and make a complaint and in result he is fired.
     
  2. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    Because this situation started at work and such, you might actually want to speak with a supervisor about this. Not only this, if he starts stalking you again (i.e. facebook), go tothe police and file a report.

    Sure, you would hope that two adults would be able to handle this type of situations but you can never be too sure about it.

    Another reason why it would be a good idea to talk to your supervisor about this is that he was sexually harassing you and honestly, you should of reported it the first time, but I can understand that because he was your friend at the time, he would get it and not make such comment again. Not only this, because it is happening in your working enviornment too, the best thing is to make sure you feel safe. If you don't feel save and feel unease with him around then maybe the company you're working for isn't for him. If this has happened in the past with him too,then it obviously should be a red flag to HIM and HE should get help.
     
  3. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Frankly I agree that two adults SHOULD be able to work together without saying/doing anything personal. HOWEVER, in this case, this guy already has enough personal information about you and is just immature/creepy enough that I'd worry about him not being able to stop.

    My advice at this point is to simply wait it out a short bit longer and see what happens. If he doesn't stop, go to your supervisor and get his ass fired.
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    If you consider the guy a friend, you should have a "come to Jesus" meeting....meaning you keep it real and let him know his actions are not acceptable and ask him to stop. Tell him you are serious....be very direct. Do NOT assume he will pick up on subtle hints....he's proven to be oblivious to them on many occasions.

    Then if he doesn't stop, give him one more warning and let him know with another violation, you intend to esclate and will file a complaint. If he continues, file the complaint.

    IMO it's important to be direct but respectful. I doubt this...but it's possible he doesn't realize his actions are offensive to you because of your friendship.

    Anyways, if you really considered him a friend, I think it's important to be upfront, direct and honest and give him the opportunity to change. If he refuses, 1 more brief warning, then you esclate.
     
  5. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    He wants to play off all liability and make me look like the crazy one. Which is normally his style. He doesnt want to admit hes wrong. When we do talk about this it will be very direct and very pointed. Im not really one to beat around the bush.

    It maybe wasnt so much that he had an online profile and stuff. It was the fact that I was the first person that he asked to be his friend. If his wife would have found that, she would have flipped and has since she knows that he and I are friends at work. Im the 21 yo that is friends with her husband etc etc. I know it wouldnt have sat with me very well if it were my husband even with no history.

    Additionally, he has asked me over to his place before while his wife wasnt there to show me around when I used to go to a different school that would have been extremely close to his house at different times. I thought that was extremely inappopriate because his wife didnt know anything about it as far as I knew and I wouldnt do it because I didnt think it was right.

    I would really hate for it to escalate to a super over it, I dont need any additional drama and to have him be fired and me left everyone would know what happened. I dont want to have to put up with it. I know how important having a job is as well, and his actions seem to be in the contrary of that. But I dont want to be the sole reason why he is gone.
     
  6. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    You wouldn't be - he's aware that has actions have gotten him in trouble and continue to get him in trouble. Moreover, he's much older than you and should have a better handle on appropriate work relationships. He's taking advantage of your youth and naivete.

    A co-worker shouldn't be discussing your nipples. The end. It's way over the sexual harassment line. And you feel guilty about him harassing you (by feeling bad that he might get fired) - doesn't that sound odd?

    Tell your supervisor, show any phone messages or emails and restrict your interaction with this guy to professional discourse. (and don't worry if he's *mad* at you - he blew the friendship already)
     
  7. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Of COURSE he wants it to be your fault. He knows damn well it could cost him his job if he's the one to blame.

    Given his past, I can see where this would be the case; he's proven he can't follow the "look but don't touch" rule, even if the touching hasn't been physical (so far).

    Good for you! And yet, you're trying to help this guy out? I'm sorry, but I'd have gotten him drop-kicked through the door long ago if I were you...

    The way this sounds, you feel like the helpless victim here -- and you're NOT. You can't be afraid of people knowing you got him fired; if anything, you seem like you know how to handle yourself and are able to deal with this well. Some people wouldn't be that way. Look at it as you doing yourself, him, and other female co-workers who may end up in akward situations with him a favor by eliminating a source of problems within your organization.
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sounds like you're making smart choices so far.

    The problem is, your friend isn't. He's been fired before for similar type behavior but still doesn't get it.

    There are many people that use the technique of attacking another person's opinions or ideas to make them back down (this is what his looks are all about). The only appropriate response on your part....ignore his looks and thier implication. Have confidence in what you are saying. This is hard to do when someone is walking all over your boundaries and that person is supposed to be a friend. However, keep telling yourself that his actions are NOT ok and he needs to back off.....even if he doesn't want to or doesn't think he needs to. Don't give a shit about his feelings becasue he obviously isn't giving a shit about yours.

    Oh and that really doesn't sound like a friend does it??

    Of course you hate to esclate to a super because then it'll be YOUR fault that he got fired. However, it's not YOUR fault at all. It's HIS fault. His actions are what's wrong here. The reason these types of guys get away with their behavior is because people won't or don't stand up for themselves. They'd rather not be bothered.

    It may have to get worse at work before it gets better but you are doing anything wrong. HE IS. And he needs to back off. That's why I suggest an esclation plan where first you have a back off meeting with a warning, if he stops...great. If he keeps up his behavior, one more warning. If he doesn't then get the message, you file a formal complaint.

    This way you know you've givin him an opportunity to correct his behavior. You've give him the chance to correct what he's doing. If he keeps it up, you know it's his stubborness that's causing this. Yes everyone else in the office might know about it but so what....you've done nothing wrong. He has!!
     
  9. The Repair Man

    The Repair Man New Member

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    *** is a weirdo babe. Want me to blast that fool in his face for ya? I would...


    No seriously guys. I'm her bf and this guy really is a pedo-wannabe.
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    The Repair Man is dating The Secretary?? :run:
     
  11. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    OMG wtf happened to your av?

    Edit: I remember.
     
  12. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Everybody needs a mechanic :naughty:
    I love how he works on me.
     
  13. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ok, just from reading your post...you need to lose this guy as a friend. No one wants a creep for a friend. Show him that you have high standards for friendship, and stop communicating with him for anything not work related, and if it is work related, keep it to a minimum.

    Second, if he is harrassing you at work, talk to a supervisor. I know you don't want to feel like you got him fired...but come on, which is going to be worse, the guilt (which would be unjustified) or dealing with his creepiness for the rest of your career?

    This guy needs to know that he can't get away with this shit. If you don't call him on it and do something about it, he will keep thinking it is OK, and keep doing it.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2007
  14. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :eek3:
     
  15. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Don't go blasting anyone in their face. That'll only give him amunition to work with -- suddenly the problem is on YOU and possibly on your girlfriend; not on him where it should be. More than likely this guy wouldn't even learn his lesson from an ass-whooping, he sounds like he needs jail time. If you hit him first, it'll be you going to jail instead.
     
  16. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :squint: 404 high maintence woman not found. ;)
     
  17. Killuminati

    Killuminati New Member

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    Uhhh, you showed him a picture with hard nipples and you got mad he said something?? He probably thought you did it on purpose... Everyone is human
     
  18. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Yes because I just go around showing my nipples to random men. He could have kept the comment to himself which he should have done. Human or not showing restraint is the key.
     

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