women issues

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Hym3n, Jun 21, 2006.

  1. Hym3n

    Hym3n New Member

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    really just need to vent more than anything, so any responses will be greatly appreciated however not entirely necessary.

    dating a girl for the past 7-8 weeks. she's been good friends with two of my good friends for two weeks and one year longer than I've known them, respectively (both males). one of them I've clearly identified as being "friend-zoned," and the other I feel threatened by. we all hang out all together and everything is great, we all talk online together, and everything is great, however lately, it has come to my attention that the one I feel threatened by talks to her on the phone latenight, after she gets off the phone with me, until one or the other falls asleep. I see this type of conversation to be a lot more intimate than conversations during the day, and generally don't care for it. gf assures me that I have nothing to worry about and that he's just a friend and will never be anything more, but from past experiences, I've learned to not be so foolish as to believe everything my gf tells me, even though I really want to outright trust this one. when I question my friend, he tells me he has no interest in her and that they're just friends. I confront her about it and pretty much lay it out as "I'm uncomfortable with y'all talking after we get off the phone, and really feel as though either a) I should be the last person to say 'goodnight' to you, or b) the nightly phone calls really aren't necessary when you can talk on aim or when you've already seen one another during the day" (which we do, every single day). Her general response is that she "doesn't care," because she doesn't see the harm in it as according to her "there's no threat," regardless of how I feel. trusting as I may be, in the back of my head I have come to know that eventually something could develop, and I'm simply trying to prevent the inevitable. this does nothing to deter her, and generally makes me feel like she's making no attempt to remedy something that clearly upsets me (we've argued about this same subject for the past week now, every night, and it's getting really old).

    on the other hand, there's my ex. I've talked to her twice over the past few weeks, once because I had a pretty graphic nightmare in which she died and it scared me enough to call and check on her, and the other when she txt'ed me about her grandmother's attempted suicide. during both of those conversations, I generally picked up how her life without me (we've been apart ~3 months) is very lacking, and that she really cares for me, misses me, etc. in many aspects, I feel the same towards her, and know that if I were with her that the drama mentioned above would disappear, and that, for a change, I'd feel loved. the new girlfriend just isn't up to the task of making me feel 'special,' and realistically, generally doesn't give off the attitude that she gives a damn about our relationship. when we're one on one, things are great, but due to outside circumstances, that won't be a possibility for us over the coming months, making a troublesome relationship problematic for the time to come. it's understood that the general attitude on this board is that dealing with ex's is a bad idea, especially one like this, who cheated on me in the past (admittedly kissing another guy), but in a time like this, when all I really want is to feel like I mean something to someone, would it be so wrong of me to just suck it up and go back to her?

    time will tell. thanks in advance!
     
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Instant friendzone for him. Talking on the phone, like a girl, makes him a "girl" - a friend - in her eyes. I'd put money on her not being into him.

    However, I would mention that I don't really appreciate my woman talking to other guys and she should cut it back. Something like... "Late night intimate phone calls to other men? Sure, babe, do whatever you want, but if I did the same thing you'd be upset, so think about the signal you are sending me." I would not expect her to just drop him, so maybe you should spend more time with her at night - more quality, in-person time.

    If you bring it up again, she'll talk to him about how insecure you are and will eventually dump you. Drop it. Flirt, joke, tease, and generally make yourself a more virile and charming man to be with. Make HER attracted to YOU, so she wants to talk to you and not him more often. ;)

    Well, he's lying, but that's obvious. He probably can't get her to save his life, what's his track record with women?

    So she is controlling the relationship and telling you "I don't care about your feelings, even if you feel treatened. Suck it." Wow, what a winner. I'd dump her on the spot if she didn't recognize my concerns and think about it.

    You've learned three things here (well, I have)
    1. She's an attention whore
    2. She doesn't give a shit about you
    3. She is a control freak.

    So who gets the remote? ;) No, seriously, that's not cool, she's basically saying you're second class to everyone else. I want a woman who thinks *I* am the number one man in her life, sorry to say...

    Yeah, but not with that guy. What is going to develop is that you don't trust her already, and you know it. Time to re-think how "wonderful" she is.

    So do something about it. Put your foot down. The problem here is that you lack confidence so she is already putting you on a back burner because you have not sufficiently - in MY opinion - proven yourself to be a strong male figure in her life. You are nothing to her if you leave, she would not be hurt.

    (I could be totally wrong here, so don't get all crazy on me.)

    Me? I'd tell her something like "Well, babe, this is great. You've proven to me that you don't value the relationship and I don't tolerate being treated like this. It's over, have a great life." Pack your shit and walk. I bet she begs you to come back, but if you take her back she'll pull the same shit.

    The thing you have to do here, in my opinion, is to learn what your standards for treatment in a relationship are. Me? I do NOT tolerate being treated like that, and I'd walk on any woman who does that. Good-BYE!

    Um, don't take a step backwards. And don't talk to your ex, either, your GF now could be talking to this other guy to teach you a lesson of what YOU are doing wrong. Don't discuss other women, or your ex's, with your current SO - ever. Bad move.

    Well, Sparky, it seems you already know the problem here, and you know the solution. What are you going to do about it? I would suggest you do the mature thing and deal with the problem and make a decision: Either suck it up and get treated like she's your mother, or act like a mature and confident adult and don't let people mis-treat you. :dunno:

    Yes, it just reinforces the problems you are going through now. You have clearly NOT learned your lesson with women. You have to have standards and then HOLD WOMEN TO THEM.

    Some of my standards are:
    No cheaters
    No control freaks
    No women who flirt or talk with other men to my detrement (like in your case)
    No ex's
    No crazies
    No angry women

    Shit like that. And if I do get some of that in a normally sane woman, I simply deal with the issue in a MATURE and CALM manner. I would, in your case, tell her "Hey, I'm sorry, but this really doesn't work for me. If you need the attention of many men then this will not work out. I am looking for a woman who can focus on a single, high quality, loving and caring relationship. If you just want to be the center of attention from as many people as you can get, that's fine, but I just am beyond that. So I am saying that if you continue to do that, it's fine, but I'm not going to stick around if you do it again." That's it.

    Obviously, this is a deal breaker, and it's meant to be. You DO need to find a woman who makes you feel loved, cared for, everything you need. You DO deserve this - but only if you *carefully* inspect your current situation, and your past situations, and understand that people will only treat you the way you let them.

    I don't let anyone treat me poorly, and as a result - hey, big surprise - I get treated pretty well by most people.

    Learn from mistakes, grow into an adult, be mature, confident, have self-control and people will grow around you and with you.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Hym3n

    Hym3n New Member

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    Wow. It'd be an understatement to say that that's the best response I could've possibly hoped for. I'm going to follow your advice to a T, and you know, regardless of outcome, you've made some very valid points that I think will only benefit me in this situation. The biggest problem now resides in our mutual friends and their take on the situation and my decisions.. I'm sure they can get over it. Today's lesson learned: don't piss where you eat!
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Well, don't follow it to a T, but do think about it.

    Don't worry about the friends. Even if they make it their business, it's none of their business and you should not discuss it with them. Don't say anything mean about her, either, just that "It didn't work out." Stand up tall and be mature and polite as you also make your own reputation.

    Seems like you're on a good track. You'll find another woman who respects your strengths and standards, and will live up to or exceed them I am sure. :big grin:
     

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