SRS woah... wtf

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Apr 9, 2008.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I've been having fear flashes in the last week. For the first time, really. I've been feeling insecurity. Not based on anything external, as the girl who I'm having fears about, or at least, fears related to, she is very in love with me and it's great.

    It's just that I realize how much better life is with her here, and then I for some reason stress about how much worse it would be without her.

    That's selfish and stupid: if she didn't want to be here, I wouldn't want her to be here either.

    I don't know. I think it's the life transition thing. I'm very stressed out lately because I just graduated college and I'm trying to figure out how my life will be now that I'm on my own. I've just gotten a lease for an apartment that I like.

    Actually, the main thing is probably just what I said last week. I need to make friends. The biggest issue making friends is that I'm never ever in town on the weekends... because I'm visiting old friends or visiting my lover.

    Fortunately, I WILL be in town next weekend. Finally. So that will be good. :x:

    /rant
     
  2. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Me too.

    It is good to notice that we are afraid, because most people live in fear without noticing it.

    I've been noticing fear in the air lately, because it's all around us.

    It's good that you can note your own fear. It's a sign that we are afraid. Of what?

    We don't know, but we are one step ahead of everyone else by admitting to ourselves - we're afraid!
     
  3. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    It sounds as if you're just a little scared of being alone. It's amazing to be in love and everyone (thought they may not admit) who has ever been in love has at one point feared the loss of it.

    Settle down, she loves you, you love her, she's not going anywhere. How long have you been together?
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Even if the worst in life happens and you fall in the outmost and utter way thinkable, what choice do you have from there, other then to stand up where you have fallen and move on again.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That's not good enough for me... for one thing, I need to know I'm happy independently, or can easily be happy independently.


    The solution is not, "She'll always be there / the love will always be there." That response just reinforces the fear because the fear IS that without the love always being there, things would be miserable.
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    True

    It's hard for me to even imagine the fear right now because when I feel a flash of it I can't figure out how to make it go and when I'm not feeling it I can't remember how I came to feel it at all in the first place.

    Right now I'm just how I normally am. Really really really excited about all the possibilities ahead of me. And a little stressed about my college loans :o
     
  7. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    You can't ask someone to promice to be there forever. I was tyring to lend an immediate dull to the fear- right NOW she IS there which you can realx about, and then work on yourself without that stress. I've failed to communicate that and learned to leave the wee hours of the morning to lurking.

    It takes time to build self confidence and trust your ability to survive alone. I feared what would happen and didn't get over it until i was forced into that place and learned how to be happy by myself. I gained that confidence alone. It was a long and painful process, but i'm a more stable person for it. I really wish there was a quick fix I could give you or some solid advice. All I could reccomend is that you get some alone experience- take a trip alone? prove to yourself that you can have fun and be happy by yourself, or with friends around rather than your girlfriend?
    That's all I can offer :hs:
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    yeah well we haven't tied the bf gf knot exactly. thanks for your advice :)

    i think it's definitely in part because of the stress of this life transition. finding a place, planning further into the future than i've ever done before, etc.
     
  9. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    She's in love with you and you have feelings for you but you're not dating?
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    um.. well if you call it "bf/gf" that's fine, but yeah, we haven't set up any structure or rules around our feelings.

    i'm in love with her, she's in love with me. i want to be around her all the time, and we actually are renting a place in nyc to that end.

    i miss sleeping with her whenever she's not there. i wake up, work, and go to bed thinking about her. we make love with each other and i fuck her, too.

    however, she's not expected to be there for me or do anything. i'm not expected to be there for her or support her or what have you. neither of us attempts to curb his/her own interest in other people, physical or otherwise. there is no commitment because if i needed commitment to be with someone rather than wanting to be with them by natural inclination, i wouldn't, by definition, want that.

    as for whether we're dating, you could say we're bf-gf; you could say we're bf-gf in an open relationship; you could say we're not bf-gf because we're in an open relationship; you could say we're friends with benefits, or fuck buddies who room together. the description i identify with personally is "lover", and when i talk about her to people, i say we're not in a closed relationship.

    i apologize if i've over-explained. :hs:
     
  11. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    You should go see a therapist, man!

    I don't mean that in any negative way whatsoever. What I'm saying is you need an outside perspective on yourself. You psychoanalyze yourself more than anybody I've ever seen.

    When I was seeing a therapist, who was someone I considered to "have it all together," I was very surprised when she told me that she just recently gotten out of therapy herself.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: Not necessarily about seeing a therapist though

    ibhateonmenowbutimjustbeinghonest
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    is this in response to my original post? i didn't realize it was so unusual.

    if this is in response to my last post... then i disagree. my last post is simply a description of my relationship. i wasn't attempting to prod my psyche

    (btw, why were you surprised? most therapists have therapists. most therapists are also batshit nuts, although that doesn't make them bad at their jobs)

    i would see a therapist if i were having trouble reaching my goals, endangering myself, endangering others, unhappy, or just-content. in fact, i did see a therapist, previously, who was recommended to me from a different therapist, because i wanted help with negative emotional spikes. she wasn't very helpful - all she wanted to do was learn about social dynamics (i'm not kidding) - but i'm not opposed to therapy if it's useful.

    but i always find it ... not ignorant, per se, but naive, i guess, when people say that i analyze myself / other people / my life "a lot".

    the truth is that life happens - without analysis - i don't spend time thinking about why something makes sense or doesn't make sense, I just feel a certain thing and I am a certain way and I act the way I do - and then, because of the way that I write and speak, I am capable of describing it in very very specific detail that most people either find over-precise or just can't relate to. because they think on a large-concept scale rather than a small-concept scale. it's in the process of description that i come off that way, but that has no bearing on the stuff i'm describing in itself.

    it's not like i'm, in the moment, making emotional equations in my head.

    whereas when i sit down and describe it to you, i can tell you things in detail. it doesn't take any effort. it's just how i see them. it's not analysis, for me. it's just ... how i describe things. :dunno:
     
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Love is a chemical addiction.

    You're addicted to her. I'm sure you've read my other posts on it. Your brain is responding to the chemicals released in her presence and absence. Oxytocin, Vasopressin, etc. You've having withdrawal when you're not with her. You're rationalizing it as "missing" her.















    It's normal.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    that said, I often go to other people to talk about something because they tend to have radically different approaches to things and I value different perspectives.
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Ya know... I think that's a bit pseudo-scientific.

    I've been in love with this girl for the last year, often not seeing her for equal or greater amounts of time. And haven't had particularly noteworthy flashes of fear. Adrenaline rushes certainly. GREAT BIG ACHING PAINS OF MISSING, certainly.

    So if, as you say, fear is "normal" in this situation. Then either my introspective, subjective experience isn't correlated to the same chemical that other people are affected by and then refer to with words like love, missing, etc... or there's something funky about your premises.

    I'm not disagreeing that it's chemical, but I think that the soul, if you will, is a chemical reaction. That doesn't make it less useful to talk about the soul. In the same way that if I had to describe friction starting from quantum physics and moving up, I would take forever to get my point across and probably would fail, at that. The way language works, it's just more convenient for us lumbering human beings to use vocabulary that is SCOPED for the topic at hand. Emotional vocabulary being, in this case, less clumsy than neuroscience terms (and loosely interpreted neuroscience terms, at that).
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Sorry, I was making the mistake of assuming my perspective was the correct perspective.

    And I wasn't trying to belittle your feelings or explain them away via science. But for me, it helped a bit to know why I was feeling how I was feeling, even tho it didn't change what I was feeling.

    At any rate, what you're describing sounds like exactly what I've felt like every time I've been in love.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    No problem! Plenty of people make the same mistake as you do. Just the other day, I, myself, said something that I believed was true. :squint:

    I know you've always said this. Ok, I'm not sure how to put this in a neutral way, but doesn't that seem a bit contradictory? It didn't change your emotional state:
    ... but it helped your emotional state:
    . Tell me what I am missing here. When you say "it helped", do you not mean that it helped alleviate things a little bit?

    Or are you just saying that you rationalized away some of the negative, without rationalizing away any of the positive?

    I don't doubt it. What I'm describing is EXACTLY what I felt the first time I was in love. It's been absent from this experience in love, however, with the very rare exception. Despite that I would say I'm also more in love, quite certainly, than I was the other time.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2008
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    It didn't change the nature of what I was feeling but I felt better intellectually because I understood why I was feeling it.

    Analogy:

    Imagine you're diabetic and your blood sugar drops and you're feeling dizzy about about to pass out. Imagine you've never experienced this before. You are scared shitless because you don't know what is happening to you. Are you dying?!

    Then, a doctor tells you what is happening. "When your blood sugar drops you experience the following symptoms: ______." Next time it happens, you know what is happening so you don't freak out, but you still experience the same sensations. The only difference is now you understand them.
     
  21. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    That the relationship is open seems to be the root of your fears. That she has the freedom to guilt free take up with another and leave you behind with no remorse.

    Maybe if you asked her for exclusivity you would feel better?
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i'm not sure how that squares with the evidence, unfortunately.

    it's been "open" since the beginning, and during that year i did not experience the fear-flashes that i experienced CONSTANTLY when I was in a closed relationship with my ex-gf.
     
  23. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    It sounds like you're afraid to lose her because you feel very strongly about her and on top of that, you don't really know where you stand in her life.

    I am curious to know if you're also seeing other people? Because I have found that in some open relationships, only one person is truly open while the other is not. The one who is not often deep down inside desire for the relationship to be exclusive but does not try to initiate it out of fear of losing the other. They're afraid that the other person may want out so they'd rather take an open relationship rather than nothing.
     
  24. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    no, I know where I stand in her life.

    i think it was a sense that, in her absence, life would suck. and i needed or wanted to make sure that wasn't true. because that's not a good situation. it should be that life is good without her despite being amazing with her.
     
  25. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    Sorry, I was going off "It's just that I realize how much better life is with her here, and then I for some reason stress about how much worse it would be without her." as stimulus. Sorry I misinterpreted... Other members seem to be getting the same idea though.

    What else is going on in your life that could be causing that fear of lonliness? Is everything okay with your family/social life?
     

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