With all the breakup threads - figured I'd join in :hs:

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by OhHai, Jul 28, 2009.

  1. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    So me and my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up a little over a month ago. It ended because she felt she had lost trust in me, which stems from me being slightly dishonest about porn, but not cheating or where I was or anything serious like that. Anyways, it was a difficult breakup seeing as how we lived together for 10 months, and she was the first girl I had ever done that with.

    Anyways, so after the breakup, we talked for a few days here and there and met up once or twice and I tried the whole take me back routine, leaving all my dignity behind. Of course, she still said the trust was gone, and that she couldn't take me back. So I shift into no contact mode, knowing that is the only way to heal. Anyway, after about 3 weeks of no contact she calls me out of the blue. I dont pick up but shoot her a text wanting to know what she wants. She asks me to call her and I do and she admits to still thinking about me everyday, missing me, etc.

    I knew this was a mistake because it destroyed all the healing I have been trying to do. Anyways, she suggested we meet a few days ago, and I agreed, thinking perhaps she wanted to work things out. I feel like I have been doing a lot of self improvement trying to fix my honesty issues and was thinking this would be a good meeting. We meet and eventually she mentions that she misses me and really wants me to be in her life, but as a friend :hs:. I tell her I can not do this because of my feelings, and she has trouble understanding, her reason being that if "you care for someone as much as I care for you, you want them in your life no matter what." I attempted to explain how I can't be in her life unless its as her boyfriend, and then I asked if she wanted to try to work things out. She responded by telling me she still is hurt by the lying and doesnt feel the trust is there, and I asked how can I prove my trust unless I am in her life again as her boyfriend? She said she can't do that yet, and then we sort of went our separate ways.

    She sent me a few texts just talking about bullshit and whatnot, to which I have not replied, knowing I need to heal. Anyways, I caved today and I asked her why she keeps texting me if she can't be with me? She said "I'm only human." I told her I can not be her friend. She then replied saying that asking if I could be her friend was a way of her gauging if I would be in her life and prove that she could trust me. I guess she wanted to just be friends and see if I have changed? I told her that I can not change the past, only the future and that if she wants to give me another chance, I would like to prove it to her. She replied basically saying "well if I ever feel I can blindly trust you again, I'll let you know." I said "ok, but please stop texting me and let me heal. If you want to try work it out, let me know."

    Now, I realize I have left ever shred of dignity behind on this one, and could have potentially fucked it up even more by meeting with her. I know the issue here is not another guy, as she was never like that. I guess I need you guys to give me some advice? Do I jsut cut contact? Granted, I truly regret how I acted in the relationship and have tried to better myself. This girl was amazing, and her sense of loyalty was unmatched. I would have married her, and would love to try again. Should I just back off? When I do she claims I dont care or I would have tried to talk to her in the last 3 weeks.. Opinions? :hs::hs:
     
  2. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    Honestly, I stopped reading there. If you need to lie about something like that because you think she would blow up about it, she's not the one for you IMO. Ridiculous.
     
  3. MCohen

    MCohen #NotMyPresident #AmericaIsAlreadyGreat #GoSolar OT Supporter

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    1) If you guys dated for 18 months, and lived together for 10 months out of that 18, you two progressed to that step way too soon.
    2) She has trust issues if she broke up with you because you lied about having porn.
    3) Call it quits. Move on and ignore her.
     
  4. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Well its obvious right off the rip you still want her. You guys didnt break up because YOU wanted it, and thats why its affecting you so much.

    But the break up was over porn/dishonesty? Were you not allowed to watch porn or something?

    You're caught up. Fact of the matter is, it sounds like shes trying to string you along for her own personal well being. Like you, shes hurt as well. But shes hurting from the lack of attention at this point. She knows you love her and she knows she can very easy manipulate her into talking to, as she did.

    She needs you around to re-validate herself, to keep herself happy, and to keep someone there who knows SHE is a good person. And all this may be true, but whats not being said here is what about you? She knows you're mentally still invested in the relationship and constantly probing you about 'friendships' and 'im only human' comments are just easy ways to bat off actions in which she isnt sorry for.


    I honestly think you'd be better off with out her, but it doesnt seem like the two of you had a bad relationship. If you truely want to move on, go ahead, cut contact, change your cell number even, just dont do anything that will allow you to see her name. (cell call, text, myspace, facebook, etc).

    If you do 'want her back' and think you can, then make sure you aren't investing into something that isnt getting you a return.

    Another words... I dont think shes really into the idea of getting back with you. So constant attempts/thoughts are only going to be detrimental to you
     
  5. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    1 is up in the air. i dont think there's a time frame to move in that works for everyone.

    i agree w. 2 and 3.
     
  6. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Listen to JAO, he knows his women... :bowdown:
     
  7. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :eek3:

    I like to think so sometimes. :mamoru:
     
  8. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    brb writing a book. look for it on the best sellers list in a few years.

    <--- early preview
     
  9. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    Hmm, all solid advice guys. I am still invested, and I do think she likes having me around so she can feel validated, but its hard. We all get sucked into the cycle thinking we are the only ones. I'm trying to move on, but hope is a bitch :hs:
     
  10. bluefox1081

    bluefox1081 New Member

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    Cut contact. Don't reply to texts, don't answer her calls, and don't call her back. You already told her all the information she needs to know about how you feel towards her.
     
  11. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    My post in the other breakup thread applies to this thread as well, and about 89% of all Vag threads...

     
  12. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    :rofl: its Utah hun
     
  13. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    It stems from her insecurities and sexual problems we were having. When I was looking at porn alot, it would lead to me having troubles getting hard, and would end up making her feel insecure, which in turn would lead me to stress even more about it and make it even harder, thus leading to a much bigger cluster fuck. We aren't mormon :squint:
     
  14. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    kk (edit: I wasn't implying you are mormon)

    and neither am I :squint:

    <-- ex Sandy crew
     
  15. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    Ha ha oh fuck :h5:
    Salt Lake City
     
  16. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Bet you're glad you're out for a lil bit :mamoru:
     
  17. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    If she had problems with you having porn then she has trust issues and doens't know men. I never told my ex's I had porn but they'd find web pages I'd forget to delete and just laughed about it. I never rubbed it in there face and even tried to get them into it a time or two.

    I look at a lot of porn, A LOT. And I don't have any issue with getting hard, I think you guys have a few under lying problems if this was the case. I suggest you move on and forget about it. I know its a hard thing to do and you two were very close but the only thing looking into the past on this will get you is hurt.
     
  18. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    This is what I wondered. She always told me she talked to her other friends and they said their boyfriends NEVER looked at porn. I told her this was a straight up lie and most guys did it, it isnt a big deal. I would rather have had her over porn anyday. I never rubbed it in her face, but she stumbled acrossed videos and websites and always made me feel like I was cheating :hs:
     
  19. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Those other dudes are lying
     
  20. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Hell yeah, you never admit that you have over a terabyte of porn on your computer. its normal don't worry about it, she may seem great but she's being crazy if she thinks that you looking at porn and not telling her about it is cheating. That's fucking nuts.
     
  21. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Stop doing this to yourself man.

    When you stated that you finally cut off all communication I already knew that the next sentence of your post was going to be about her contacting you.
    Women need to feel validated and LOVE (I cannot express this enough) the attention of having guys around them that want to be with them. She wants to keep you in a glass jar waiting in the wings to serve her immediate purpose of having another male friend that wants her, and the secondary purpose of being a back-up relationship incase shit really goes downhill for her and she gets lonely and has no other option.

    I've been there man. It played out exactly like your scenario. I contacted her, I begged to be given another chance, etc... etc... and after finally man-ing up and cutting all communication I start getting phone calls 3-4 weeks later about how lonely she is and how she misses me.
    Don't fall for it.

    She's playing you. Ignore the phone calls, immediately delete the texts, delete her name/number from phone and just forget about her.

    I know... Easier said than done. But the sooner you take these actions the sooner your days will feel brighter and the sooner another girl can enter your life.
     
  22. jeffswain

    jeffswain OT Supporter

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    man this is something i really have to learn
     

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