SRS Will the bickering ever stop ?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SamuraiJack, Sep 16, 2009.

  1. SamuraiJack

    SamuraiJack New Member

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    So I got married last year to a wonderfull woman and have been faithfull in all aspects of our marriage. I work very hard to put a roof over her head and food on the table . I try to supply for every emotional need and it all seems to be for not.
    She does not have a job since last march and we are straped for cash which I recognize is a big deal. Most problems are sourceing from money.
    However, Today we went to go buy paint for the house and some other supplies and would you know it, something as little as paint setoff a tirade of arguments. You see the doors are semi gloss as most are and the simple issue here was I realized that and she didnt. We go to the store, she only wants matte, I say we need both, boom and we have an argument. I hate when something like this happens and she will say, "See you are not listening to me, you dont even care what I have to say ! " I try to undertstand what is the issue and it is like trying to figure out some quantum physics formula. Any who, so we have a huge spat, and I have to go to work as I took off just to go home and see what I could help with. I tell her I love her but have to go. I really hate leaving before an argument is done but I can't lose my job. So now I have a wife at home who is going to be mad when I get back and all she will say is how I never listen or dont care. I try so very hard to understand but what ends up happenning I fell is that she is projecting her feelings towards her dad ( her parents are going through a divorce) on to me.
    She is bitter with him as he does not talk to her or call her and she feels he just runs out on problems. I try to always sit down with her and understand where she is comeing from but sometimes It really feels like men are from mars and women are from venus.:eek4:
    Any way If you feel like giveing some insight sure would appreciate it. If nothing more just venting about the whole ordeal.:squint:
    P.S. Divorce is not an option for me, not ever. I figure I married her and made the commitment which means love is a choice , an action, not a feeling.
    If it is hard so be it.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Seek counseling.
     
  3. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Maybe it's how the disagreements are being handled. If you're both more careful in picking your words and how you explain yourself, things might not even blow up in the first place. Have you two ever had any counseling? It can do a good job helping you to explain yourself in a calm way which can stop things like this from happening.
     
  4. SamuraiJack

    SamuraiJack New Member

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    Only some informal counseling really. It is hard because I dont want to make it seem like it is all her becuase it is not. Communication is 2 ways. I want to find someone to help us out, a mediator really cause it is like she does not understand my heart when I am talking to her. I know body language feeds alit into that and I try to be calkm and relaxed about the issue when they get heated. but no matter what is tried she feels like I am attacking her/
    Do I make sense ?
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Family therapist / marriage counselor is a mediator by any other name.
    It is precisely what you need and are looking for. Don't get hung up on the "marriage counselor" label.



    Lots of good family therapists out there. Go seek one asap. You'll be glad you did.

    This is not just your problem, and not just her problem.

    Family therapy IS facilitated communication -- all the differences you are describing is precisely what marriage therapy is for.

    Do it asap.
     
  6. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Shortly after my wife and I first met we went to marriage counseling. We had been dating for a few years at that point and weren't married yet. We did it in order to make sure that we were going about things the right way before we ran into any problems. It's really helped us to communicate and stop things from blowing out of proportion.
     
  7. SamuraiJack

    SamuraiJack New Member

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    I really appreciate all your guys and or girls input. I think I will line up a counselor. The only problem being that when I go to mention it to her, she is going to think the worst, People always do. Oh no I cant belive this is happening to me, We are having to go to counseling kind deal. How should I go about even talking her into it? It is kinda like saying , I am a failure and you are a failure, we need a non failure to help us out. that is only a slight part of my mindset and more of hers. But I share some of it none the less.
     
  8. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    I personally would say "I feel that when we've argued lately, I haven't conducted myself well and things have been getting out of control. I'd like for both of us to go to counseling so that we can work on our communication and stop little arguments from turning into big ones."
     
  9. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Tell her you don't tell her what brand of fabric softener to buy.:rofl:
     
  10. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    I like that! Try that one. Most people don't know how to argue, and once you figure it out, it makes everything so much easier.
     
  11. SamuraiJack

    SamuraiJack New Member

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    One of the biggest things that I hear is to not try and Not Fight. But to Argue Fairly. I talked with her last night and she responded positively to it but she wanted to know why I though we needed it. I was trying to explain that we just want to be able to communicate with eachother on all levels not just physically or mentally but all around. She understood but still isnt shure.
    I tried reaffirming her that it is to better understand her and her needs and it seems to be going smooth so far. Will talk to her again about it today. LAst night got late.
     
  12. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    Say "just try it once for me, if you don't like it, you don't have to go back."
     
  13. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Women like security, and I'm guessing money is really tight right now for you both - something a lot of people in this country are dealing with. Were you paying for the paint with cash, or credit?

    Now, divorce can also really affect a significant other, ESPECIALLY when it's their parents. Odds are she wanted a life LIKE her parents, and seeing a divorce in the works could have tremendous emotional impact on her and you without either of you really realizing it.

    Most people that seek counseling are healthier than then those that don't. I'm married, and attend counseling once a month with my wife, why? It helps us talk about things that may not come up during average daily life. We may be bothered by something we didn't realize and it comes up before it's a problem.

    Lastly, if you don't mind:
    How old are you two?
    How long have you two been married?
    How long were you together before marriage?
    Do you have any kids?
     
  14. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Since I've only heard your version of the event, I can't say for certain, but it sounds like she doesn't want to debate everything, she just wants to get her way sometimes. Maybe what she's trying to say is she doesn't care if the doors are semi-gloss now, she wants to make them all matte because she likes them that way. Granted, if that's what she wants, she did a bad job of saying so, because she never actually said what she wanted, she just said what needed to happen for her to get what she wanted. That's what you call passive-aggressive behavior -- I know, it's unbelievable that a woman could behave in such a way, but there it is.

    No doubt the divorce is causing her stress. My parents' divorce caused me stress, and I thought it was a good idea. If she never has the opportunity to just vent her frustration without you trying to help solve the problem (which you can't, so don't even try), then that will become a sore point for years to come.

    Anyway, yes, get a marriage counselor. You obviously have very different ways of handling disagreements, and until you learn how to communicate with each other nothing will get better.
     

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