SRS Wife and I need to make a will. Do not agree on custody of child.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by negative zero, Jan 18, 2006.

  1. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    My wife and I have one son ~12 months old. When he was first born we talked about what would happen to him if we ever passed away while he was still a minor. We never "officially" declared this but we pretty much decided my brother should receive custody.
    Fast forward to now.
    We are planning a trip in mid February. Our son will stay here with the grandparents. SInce we will be flying we revisited the idea of a will and decided it was time. SO she made an appt. with a lawyer (the husband of a friend of hers) on Friday. Today I asked her (thinking I already knew the answer) who will get get custody of our son. She said she thinks her parents should because he (our son) is more "comfortable" with them. When I reminded her of our talk ~12 months ago she said that my brother's "lifetyle" is the reason he shouldn't get custody. WTF????
    So we're gonna talk it over tonight but I do not really want her parents to have custody. They are good people and all but in a few years they are gonna be up there in age and not be able to take care of a 5 -10 year old as well as my brother would.
    BTW the lifestyle comment is just that my brother and his wife are pretty busy people. No drugs/alcohol/etc. They have a nice house (bigger than ours). Also my brother is late 30's and no kids.

    Any comments about this?

    Or, if you have been in my situation, how did you and your wife/husband decide something like this?
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think its strange that you left your brother and her parents 'out' of the conversation, its not even clear to me if your brother or her parents will 'accept' your son :dunno:
     
  3. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Truth.

    Perhaps the reason your brother doesn't have any kids is because he doesn't want any? If he and his wife are career types they might not want to go down that path. You need to discuss this with them before you make a decision.
     
  4. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    Thanks for the replies.
    Valid point. I will definately do this. Best I can say is that I know my brother would agree. And I have no doubts he would be the best choice. Her parents would be a close second followed by my paretns and then her brother.
     
  5. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: I would be extremely mad if someone ever left me their kids in their will without fully discussing it with me. Not everyone wants kids or wants to be stuck with someone else's if they die.
     
  6. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    Again, I know this. I would not put anyone down without discussing in detail with the person. I think the way it works is that you have a succesor (sp?) and a backup. SO my plan is to get two or three people in the order we would want them, then talk to them. Then, if someone doe3sn't want to (highly doubtful) then we go on to the next. Her parents already know and I believe my brother has an idea (I think my mom told him). We're gonna talk about it a bit tonight and I'll try and update the thread by tomorrow.
     
  7. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Try and compromise with your wife on this issue. You most likely won't get killed, so be gracious. I think the most important thing now is that your child has two parents that love each other.
     
  8. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    Well, we talked briefly. She started out by saying that she would go along with my brother being first on our list.
    Then I said I didn 't want her to just agree with me. I needed to make sure whe was 100 % comfortable with it. So we talked more.
    She made a good point.
    She said my brother and his wife do not have kids (again my bro is ~38.and his wife is ~33) and his wife has mentioned they may not ever have kids. So if that's the choice they made maybe it should stay that way.
    She said it a bit more eloquently than I just typed.
    With that said, I absolutely know my brother would be a great dad and would, without a shadow of a doubt, be willing to raise my son.
    She's putting my son to sleep now and we're gonna continue talking later.
    Thanks again everyone.
     
  9. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

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    You still need to discuss this with your brother.

    You may think he would "without a doubt" make a great father and be willing to raise your son without a shadow of doubt but you still need to ask his permission to have him listed as custodial guardian in your will.

    My sister thought the same thing about me (I'm 323 and childfree) and then she brought it up to me and was rather surprised when my answer was no. People surprise you sometimes.
     
  10. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    ????
     
  11. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    You said you're doing this on Friday, which is tomorow. How long are you planning on giving him to make his decision? There's nothing like putting him on the spot there!
    Why haven't you discussed this with him PREVIOUSLY?
     
  12. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    I didn't want to write a novel but our initial meeting is friday with the lawyer. It's not like everything has to be concrete then. There are probably other things that he will bring up that we haven't thought about so this will be a "rough draft".
    Either way, I appreciate everyone's input but my problem is not with my brother. It's not with her parents. It's the fact that we have slightly different views on who our son would go to. I know that either way he will be taken care of but I guess I wanted to see if anyone has been in this situation and how the resolved it? List out pro's and cons, etc???
     
  13. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    No offense, but the problem IS with the way you are handling this all of the way around. For all that you know, your brother might say no making your whole argument null and void.
    You should really talk to EVERYONE involved before even sitting down with the lawyer.
     
  14. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

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    I couldn't agree more.

    When my sister did this, she sat down and talked to me AFTER her and hubby wrote their wills. I told them they had to change it because I was not comfortable with their decision and did not under any circumstance want to be primary caregiver should anything happen to them.

    Please get this worked out between you and the wife before sitting down to draft the will :)
     
  15. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

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    In the original post, the OP never stated that his brother was cool with being the primary caregiver of his nephew should the worst happen.
     
  16. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    I appreciate the comments but most of you are just beating a dead horse. You don't agree with me and my wife talking about it before we ask the person???? Do you not realize we have to talk about it before we ask the person? We can't likely ask them until we make the decision together.
    And I never stated that I would talk to a lawyer and put someone's name down before I talk with them. Never, eluded to it at all. i think it's quite obvious that one would happen before the other.

    lick wid nit wit, sorry your sis did this but it's not the same as my situation. period.
     
  17. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Alright im sorry , it wasn't intended as a personal attack, but now that we have cleared that up, what happens if your brother or your wife's parents pass away :sad2: are there any second suggestions i mean you also can't talk asif your wife's parents have eternal life in this mortal realm. Not that i am talking her folks into the grave, but how old are they exactly?
     
  18. negative zero

    negative zero New Member

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    The way it works (as far as I know) is that you pick one person. IOW not her parents, or my brother and his wife. Just one person. Then at least one backup. And I would imagine you could have a list of several people in the event your first choice passes away before the child is 18. Which, like I said is my idea. To come up with alist of people and it one says no then we go on to the next.
    Her mom is ~55 or so. Definately not old. She primarily watches our son while we are at work now so I know she could do it for several more years to come. It's just ~10 years down the road or so. She would be mid to late 60's wiht a 10 -11 yr old. Not saying she couldn't do it. Just saying that my brothermight be better at it.
    My mom also watches him 2 days a week for 1/2 day. But my mom is not in great health. She had an aneurism (sp?) 2 years ago. She's in decent shape but we don't believe good enough to take over rasing a child.
    We changed the lawyers appt to next wed. so we could talk about it more.
     
  19. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I was gonna say that a single session with a family therapist could help, but it sounds like you've taken care of this ;)
     

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