SRS Why is it that people on the Asylum think this???

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Guz200sx, Feb 1, 2007.

  1. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    15,741
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wellington, Florida Bitches!
    Many times guys here have said "if you let a woman tell you about their ex-boyfriend or past relationships then you are setting yourself up to be friendzoned"

    I want to know where does this come from....Where do the guys on here get this type of reasoning from?
     
  2. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2002
    Messages:
    5,188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Great White North
    There could be many reasons. First, if the woman liked you, she probably would like you to like her which means that she shouldn't be whining and look like she has relationship issues.
    Also, that could mean that even though she's with you, the main concern of the interaction is not you two but her and another guy (ie : she's thinking about him while she's with you).
    Or she can be a manipulative whore that wishes to make you jealous. Running is the best option then.
    There are probably other reasons...
     
  3. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    If you were trying to hook up with a girl would you be bringing up ex girlfriends in your conversations? :dunno:
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Listening is one thing, being her dumping ground is another.

    Letting her talk about an ex- isn't necessarily bad but it also depends on the conversation. Is she talking about things she didn't like about him? Maybe she's helping you avoid those same pitfalls so you can have a relationship. Or is she working through something about her ex- and using you as a sounding board? Maybe she's trying to figure out if she wants to go back to him so you're friendzoned.

    Personally I never talked about specific ex-girlfriends with my current gf. I had one that had a really annoying habit, annoying enough to me that we broke up over it. When my next gf and I were talking all she knew was "I don't like it when people........." She didn't need to know specifically that Janice, my ex-gf, used to ________ and I hated it when she did that." I expected the same from my gf. I didn't want to know the specific shit that happened between her and an ex-. I encouraged her to tell me what she liked and didn't like, but I didn't need to know "...and this boyfriend and I did *this* and I didn't like it blah blah blah."
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    I always ask my gfs about their exes, and they've always asked about mine. This is usually after it's been established that we're together, tho. The "how many BFs/GFs have you had" question usually comes right before the "how many people have you been with" question. Then they're followed by: "So why'd you break up?" Another good one is "How would your exes describe you?"

    You can tell a LOT about someone's maturity through the responses to these questions.

    But remember that you're only getting one side of the story, and "he cheated on me" may actually mean "I cheated on him and got caught."
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Why ask her these questions? Is there an answer she could give that would make you change your mind about dating her?
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    If the partner start about the ex it means the partner hasn't moved on from the previous relationship. And that gives to question where you stand in this relationship. The question of' am i just a rebound? ' emerges.

    This is why talking about the ex is strictly prohibited, if a gf would bring it up i would definitly say' you shouldn't talk about any ex, this relationship is about us and not about the ex.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    Pretty much if it's more than a conversation about past sexual history, abuse, or an admission of previous cheating, it's not a good sign. I'll try to elaborate. If it doesn't come up too often, and is brought up for a reason (usually something either rather or important, like STD), than its fine. But if the person is trying to be with you, why should either of you talk about exes a lot?

    Pretty much, if they talk about their ex A LOT...it means that they are still having issues with them. Have you ever been trying to get with a girl who is always talking about her ex? Don't you want to shout at her, "move on and get over him already"?

    If you're competing with the ex all the time in her mind, you're never really going to get anywhere. It means she is dwelling on the past and on him.

    And the same thing goes for guys too.

    There should be very little need to talk about an ex in a healthy relationship.

    Also, from my experience, being a long term therapist for a woman does not lead to dating.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    This makes no sense.

    Getting to know the person I'm dating does not need to include her past relationship history. I want to know what she likes and doesn't like, what are her hopes and dreams, what's her favorite color..... it does no good and serves no purpose and I have no interesting in knowing how many guys she's slept with. My wife and I have been married almost 11 years and I still don't know and have no desire to know. She's also never asked me and has no desire to know.

    :rofl: ... no.

    Some parts of a person's past are important, others are not. Knowing how many people your partner has slept is 100% unimportant to the future of your relationship.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    4,413
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NOVA
    There's a thread in General about this right now (somewhere) - some guy was hitting some chick for 2 months or so, but kept telling her about other chicks. She ended up dumping him over it. (Apparently every time he met some chick, he'd tell his GF the story to "be honest" and tell her that he didn't want to screw this chick. She got tired of it. I would have, too.)

    Why? Because it makes him look like an ass who wants some other ass.

    Generally speaking if someone is talking about someone else, it's because they are interested in that someone else. It's more a reflection on the OTHER persons insecurity, really.

    Now, with that said, I think there is a time and place to talk about ex's, but not all at once, not on your first few dates, and not all the time when you are together. Your past is your past, you shouldn't have to tell someone about it if you don't want to, and vice versa.
     
  11. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    The rest of my post explains why it makes no sense.

    My life with my wife started when I met my wife. I brought along the good and discarded the bad. Is it important for her to know I got 22 speeding tickets in the years before we met, seeing as I haven't had even one since then? Nope.

    Why do you consider knowing how many guys she's slept with "VERY IMPORTANT"? From your own admission you'd already be in a serious relationship... would your opinion of her change if you asked and she said "I've been with 173 different guys but I've only really had 82 boyfriends...the other ones were just fuckbuddies. Oh, except for that time I did the 22 guy gangbang, so I guess the total is 195!" Why is that important? Why would that be any different than if she said four?

    :rofl: whoa there big fella. Knowing how many partners she's had has NOTHING to do with my health or STDs. I knew she didn't have any STDs, I knew she didn't have HIV, she knew the same about me.... because we asked those questions. You can get HIV or gonorrhea from having had just one partner. Knowing the number of partners is inconsequential when the tests come back negative.

    And what if she isn't really happy about the kind of guy she used to date and is looking to make a change with you? You're bent on making sure she drags all that history along into your relationship. I'm more than happy to know my girlfriend (wife, now) is the person she is since we met. What she did before we met is not my concern.
     
  12. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    There is a time and place for everything. Talk of previous relationships should probably be kept to a minnimum in the early part of a relationship.

    Once you two have been together for a bit then you can start opening up those doors.
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Yes. I'll post more later cuz I'm at work.
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Very easily.

    My wife and I have deep conversations. We have shared a lot of ourselves with each other. We have 2 kids, we've been happily married for almost 11 years, we've been together for nearly 13 years, we've known each other for over 15 years.......... but it's interesting that never in that time has it ever occured to me to ask "how many men have you slept with?" Because it's not important. I know she had sex with boyfriends before me but the details of it aren't interesting to me and apparently the details of my ex-gfs aren't interesting to her. Not knowing how many or who or when or where hasn't held back our relationship in any way.

    No, her ex's aren't that important. The person she became from those experiences are important, sure, but it's fairly easy to talk about that and get into great detail, and we often do. But (and I keep going back to this because it's what sparked this line of discussion) how does her having slept with 2 people or 200 change anything? And why do I need to know?

    Who says we're not "sharing our past experiences in a more seriousl relationship"? We are. But how many women I've slept with and how many men she's slept with just plain isn't important.

    I'm not putting words into your mouth but I may be pointing out something you didn't consider. What if she really didn't want to talk about it, but since you asked she answered even though she really didn't want to? Now you've forced her to talk about something she didn't want to talk about. It's not like she can refuse to answer.... you've already made it clear that you expect an answer by making it clear that if she doesn't answer that she doesn't want to "take the relationship to a new level."

    We're not afraid to talk about life before each other. But we recognize there are things in my past she doesn't need to know and things in her past I don't need to know. And we also recognize it's possible to talk about our experiences without needing to delve into details about who/what/when/where/why/how.

    There's also one about starting fresh but I can't remember the exact wording off the top of my head.

    When I want to satisy her I have a bunch of tricks in my book, starting with ASKING HER. I've also been known to take an educated guess, to ask her friends, to go off in left field and try something totally unexpected.................. but if she hated it that her last boyfriend sang so you never try it, how is either of you going to know if she likes it when *YOU* sing to her. Maybe she just hated how he sang :dunno:

    Nope... it just isn't important. That was *their* relationship, not ours. If you know her last relationship failed because of X, how do you know she's not going to absolutely LOVE that exact same thing when you do it? But as soon as you hear "I hated that he did __________" then it's pretty much guaranteed you're never going to try it.

    I think you keep intertwining "past" and "ex-boyfriends"...I know plenty about my wife's past and we have deep conversations and we know each other better than either of us knew any of our ex's. But we also recognize there are some things in a person's past that should stay there and there's nothing wrong with that.
     
  15. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    We probably do.

    I just looked back. It was falconer who said that part and I disagree with it.
     
  16. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Because those two scenarios you just laid out would speak vastly different volumes about her personality. Are you saying it wouldn't bother you to know that your wife had been with 200 guys before you? What if you had only been with 3 girls but you were number 200 for her? Would it bother you that she is special and significant to you but you're just another notch on her belt? Would it bother you that her personality was such that she allowed herself to sleep with 200 guys? From that you might draw the conclusion that, to her, sex is not a special an intimate thing only to be shared those that you love. If she says it is, then that demonstrates that she has supposedly been "in love" with 200 guys. Would you be comfortable being with someone whose personality is so fickle as to allow her to fall in and out of love with 200 people over whatever timespan you're referring to? Maybe none of that would bother you. Maybe all of it would. I know that to me, and to all the girlfriends I've had, this was an issue and so we all talked about our pasts. Of course, you can't be hypocritical about it. If you've been with 200 girls, you can't get upset if your wife has been with 200 guys. But on that note, you have to be willing to accept the fact that she might leave you BECAUSE you've been with 200 girls and she doesn't want to be with someone who has done that for the reasons I laid out above.

    People's past actions are indicative of their fundamental personality types. People typically do not change. I do not want to be with someone who has been with 200 guys, so I ask about sexual history. The only people who won't discuss it are people who are ashamed or have something to hide. If you have something of which you are ashamed, it means you probably don't have the best head on your shoulders and didn't have the forethought to try and prevent it. Now, on that subject, one questionable hookup might be ok. But 200? No one hooks up with 200 people "accidentally" and then "regrets" it later. People generally know ahead of time if they're going to regret something or not. If someone "used to be a whore" in college but now "wants a stable relationship," you have to take into account that their personality is such that they allowed themselves to be a whore. You then have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone like that. On that same note, what if a girl found out that her bf had a history of beating his gfs. That is indicative of his personality characteristics. She would have to ask herself if she wants to be with someone whose personality allows them to do that.

    Insight into their fundamental character. I absolutely judge someone by their past, but I'm not hypocritcal, and I understand if something from my past makes me undateable in their eyes as well.
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    ^^

    I completely disagree. There was something about her that attracted you to her but now you're not going to explore it because she's got too many "notches on her belt"? I assume you're not asking "how many men have you slept with?" on the first date, right? So you're going to have gone out with her a few times, gotten to know her more than a bit, and decided she's someone to get to know more. But then you ask a question that has no purpose other than to disqualify her because she's beating you in the "how many people have you slept with" game. I just don't get it.

    My wife might have slept with 5 guys or 50, I really don't know. I have a feeling it's closer to 5 and I'm probably right, but then again maybe she got to 49 and decided she didn't like the life she was leading and wanted to change. Maybe I'm #50....I'll never know. But I do know there won't be a 51 (or 6, or whatever...you know what I mean). Just like she doens't know if she's #7 or 70........... all that matters is there won't be a +1 for me, either.

    The thing I think is funny in this whole thing is you *really* don't know if she's telling the truth. So your gf may say she's been with 4 guys and you can go along, happy that she's not ahead of you on the sleeping-with scale, and in reality she may have slept with 80 and you'll never know. Ignorance is bliss, huh?? :rofl:
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    It's a combination of being with a lot of guys and what that says about her personality and values. But it could be anything, not just "notches on her belt." Anything you find out about her past can render her undateable based on your personal criteria. I posted a big list of mine mine in another thread in the Vag and got a lot of shit for it, but the few people who knew what was up agreed with me.

    This is just my point of view. Others don't have to share it.
     
  19. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    Timing is an important issue with this whole finding out about the partner's past. You really don't want to be asking about exes and past sexual history in the first few dates (unless you go to bed, then you should ask about STDs). However, once the relationship is established and somewhat secure, then you can start finding out about their background.
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    :rofl:

    So anyone who doesn't agree with your "people can never change" attitude are people who don't "know what's up"? It's laughable that a girl can have 200 partners before you but lie and say she only had 4 and you'd be perfectly willing to date her even though the truth is she's got you beat by two significant digits.

    Someone mentioned shallow earlier................ :wavey:
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    No, I mean the people who knew what was up supported having a list of criteria an SO should meet. Everyone's personal criteria is different. But you need to have some filtering standards.
     

Share This Page