SRS Why does she stay?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by rachael.mz, Jan 2, 2009.

  1. rachael.mz

    rachael.mz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2008
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Aberystwyth, Wales
    My mate is an 18 year old female first year student at a university in America. She recently came home for the holidays, and after having not seen her since August, I was completely shocked with what I saw.

    What used to be a bubbly, personable, friendly young woman was now a depressed, angry, bitter woman. On Boxing Day we left for a ski trip in France with some other mates, and here I was able to spend more time with her. She was the polar opposite from what she used to be, and appeared fearful, anxious, nervous, etc. all the time. Eventually I asked her what had made her change, and she replied "nothing". Clearly that wasn't the case, but I didn't push it.

    The next night I went for a meal with her, and we got to talking about our uni's and what not. She didn't say much, so again I asked the same question. She got very quiet and nervous like and just said "let's not talk about it." I asked if she was ok, and she avoid the situation entirely.

    When we got back to the UK, I got to talking to some mutual friends who had observed the same behaviour. Apparently she told her best friend about what's been going on. She (her mate) was very apprehensive about telling us, but eventually she told us that one of the divers on her (the girl this whole threads about, I'm trying to not use names) dive team has been raping her. She says she can't quit dive because she's on a full ride scholarship, and she doesn't want anyone to know about what's going on.

    Fair enough I think, but this is the part that's really got me confused: her mum has offered to let her come study in the UK for the next academic year, but she says she's going to stay in America. What? WHAT? I can't fathom why she would want to stay where she's being abused and is basically ruining her life (noteably in her ridiculous drinking habits) when she has the opportunity to leave.

    OT, what the hell? This is girl one of my best friends, but she's being really really stupid. What should I do? Why do you think she's staying? Any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2006
    Messages:
    2,374
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Saint Paul, Minnesota
    Fear is a powerful weapon.
     
  3. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    First:
    She is not being really, really stupid. Lets just get that out of the way.

    Put yourself in her shoes for a second.
    Here she is in England, she has a talent for diving and swimming, she is looking to go to University but it is stupid expensive.
    She goes through the motions and gets offered a full scholarship to study abroad. One catch, you have to join the dive team and be successful at it.

    This is a life changing opportunity. This is hitting the jackpot.
    She jumped on it - and she should have.
    On top of everything else, she is getting a 1st class education abroad. This opportunity is so valuable....
    I don't even know her and I am happy for her. It is a hell of a thing.

    So she goes and things go well... then she gets raped in the worst possible place (no I am not talking about the back seat of a VW Bug) she gets raped by a member of the dive team.
    The one thing that she cannot afford to loose, the dive team, she feels is in jeopardy.

    No she is not acting stupid. She is a hurt, confused teenager that feels she has her entire life on the line.

    Now here is the thing, here is the bottom line.
    In the US academia is incredibly liberal. Something that people like me usually bitch about.
    In this case, it is a good thing.
    If she can bring herself to bring charges against this guy there is NO way that the liberal culture is going to allow her to loose her free pass at this university.


    Having said all that.....

    This is an incredibly sensitive thing for her. For you to approach her and just be like, 'Hey Diane told me you were raped. I talked to some people on the internet and they told me that this is what you should do....' will probably be the last conversation you ever have with her.

    I am not sure what the proper thing to do is. Be her best friend. Encourage her to open up to you.
     
  4. rachael.mz

    rachael.mz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2008
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Aberystwyth, Wales
    She hates being in America, and she's already said that to me and her family. I realise she values her education in America, but she can attend an equally prestigious school in the UK without the problems she faces in the US. As far as uni being expensive, it's much much much cheaper here than it is in America, and she's from a VERY wealthy family; paying for uni would not be an issue.

    This wasn't just a one time thing what happened to her, its still happening, I don't know how often.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Something doesn't strike me right about this story. I am not saying it is fabricated, but there is something about it that is not sitting well.

    Why does she:

     
  6. rachael.mz

    rachael.mz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2008
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Aberystwyth, Wales
    I think that's perfectly logical for someone in her situation?
     
  7. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Being quiet about being raped is logical? When there are plenty of means to get help?
     
  8. rachael.mz

    rachael.mz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2008
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Aberystwyth, Wales
    For someone in her situation, yes. Would you honestly want people to know that about you?
     
  9. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    what should you do?

    You can do plenty. First, respect her and drop the subject. I know people that have not talked about these things for decades and probably never will. Bear in mind that this may also be the case for your friend. If she ever gets over it or gets to a point in life where she wants to talk about it, then that would be your chance to do it.


    why do we think she is staying?


    No answer to that because, there must be more to the story that maybe you do not even know about. If she does not want to talk about being raped, there might be a lot of other things she does not want to discuss with you.


    Just respect her, treat her like the friend she always was to you, and if the opportunity presents itself, do all you can to assist her!
     
  10. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I am not talking about her friends and family, I am talking about stopping the raping by going to the authorities. Take a look at this:

    Again, I am not saying that your friend is lying about it. Not at all. But try and understand one thing first; There are a ton of false rape allegations. Because there are so many false allegations of rape, I just want to ask some questions, that's all. I am not accusing, I am asking questions.

    I want to know why she isn't reporting this, especially if it is a repeated offense. You said "he has been raping her". That means more than once and is ongoing. If he has been raping her then why isn't she going to the authorities? Why isn't she staying with friends when around this person so he can't find the opportunity to commit this? How does it keep happening? These are important questions.
     
  11. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    double post
     
  12. rachael.mz

    rachael.mz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2008
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Aberystwyth, Wales
    I can't answer those questions, because like I said, she didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push it.
     
  13. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    She probably isn't aware that she has the option to report it to the very people who are allowing her to participate through the scholarship, nor realize she can report the issue to the authorities who may or may not believe her.

    On some level she probably believes she deserves it. Usually rapists know their victims. They can often manipulate the victim through coercion, fear, or other means, to continue taking part in the behavior, even if it's against the will of the victim.

    I think you should read up on rape online, find out about women who allow the rape to continue, and then I think you should tread very carefully when communicating with the girl. I also think it's critical that you don't judge her.

    By the time you've educated yourself on this, you'll know what to say, how to report it or otherwise be involved. That's assuming you choose to be involved.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2009
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Obviously she doesn't think that.

    You shouldn't debate the reasons, it's a big mistake. You should however (it's in your best interest if you value your relationship with the girl), find away into her world to inform her of her options using facts, not your opinion. Educate yourself quickly!
     
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Rape victims often feel intense guilt and shame, blaming themselves for the initial rape to even happen. The victim often knows their rapist, and so the rapist has plenty of opportunities to create an environment of perceived valor, or high status. In other words, the rapist often creates an environment to trap his victim psychologically and physically by getting his victim into a position where he can privately rape her and leave her believing she asked for it, perhaps by not saying stop, or don't or resisting or otherwise recognizing the situation was evolving into the danger zone.

    Once the initial rape takes place, if the victim is vulnerable psychologically, it's easier to rape them again (the younger the victim, the easier it generally is to manipulate them into believing they're responsible) It's easier to convince them indirectly that they deserved it -- or even wanted it, and so they convince themselves to just "live with" it and as long as no one else knows, they can deny to themselves that it won't interfere with the rest of their social or academic situation) With each rape, many victims have reported "disappearing" inside, to imagine themselves somewhere else, in order to psychologically cope with the abuse. Some children and teens have reported the same when abused by parents, siblings, or other close family friends or associates.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2009
  16. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    She should report it to her coach, and the campus and local police right away. There are usually counseling services she can get on campus as well, for no charge.

    You need to let her know there is help out there, and she isn't going to lose her scholarship. If it happens again, it's important that she NOT shower or wash her hands, the police will take her to the hospital and complete a rape kit to collect evidence.
     
  17. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    23,518
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    SoCal
    ... wouldn't the potential pregnancy risk put her dive career/scholarship on the line anyway?
     
  18. RachTyrTaiya

    RachTyrTaiya New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2008
    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington,TX
    if she reports this she would have to deal with people accusing her of lying and a ton of other shit that you can't understand

    not to mention how mentally draining the whole process of reporting this guy would be and the trial and the scrutiny from everyone else who knows him. It's just easier for her right now not to deal w/ that.
     
  19. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    23,518
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    SoCal
    Ooh. Good point.

    Throughout the whole process of accusation to litigation he'd have more on-hand support than she would. Unless everyone she knew back home flew out & STAYED with her.
     
  20. RachTyrTaiya

    RachTyrTaiya New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2008
    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington,TX
    I have been in and out of court rooms for the past six mths and it's a pain in the ass emotional roller coaster. (I am not the one being charged, either) . . . not to mention dealing w/ detectives and lawyers . . . I can see why she would not want to press charges on him right now. It sucks to see someone you care about being hurt b/c you wanna help but I think pressuring her to talk about it or press charges is gonna hurt a lot more.
     

Share This Page