SRS Why do we stay in relationships that are bad for us. (anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Dec 28, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I've been with my girl for over a year. We experienced some great times together but alot of bad times as well. Now its mostly bad times, I know shes not the one but I don't see much out there are far as finding someone else. Its just hard because I wanted to marry her at once. Shes my first real relationship. I think i'm just with her cause she cares about me and it fills up my time. What do i do? Let it play out? I've tried to end it as soon as I get close I get cold feet. Any tips or reasons why I stay with her. I think its a fear
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Often we stay with people as a result of fear, especially a fear of being alone, not being able to find another healthier relationship, and a long list of other things that are rooted in our relationship with our family (parents especially). While younger we form an unconscious attachment. Later in life, romantic relationships often serve as a testing ground to see how far through the attachment phases we have moved. Are we independent, co-dependent, or interdependent? Relationships are a two way, give and take, street, where interdependence allows both partners to recognize that they can depend upon the other to be both consistent as well as providing a sense "grounding" in the relationship. Consistency enhances trust and breeds further attachment.

    If you, your partner, or both of you have a co-dependent attachment or an independent attachment, you'll create an environment of hostility, feelings of insecurity, inconsistency, and both partners will feel the other expects too much, or the other partner is smothering, or... the other partner just doesn't care.

    Notice a trend?

    I could give you advice on what to do, but you're not capable of following it. My prediction is, you'll do the best you can - continue to be ambivalent, until the relationship eventually cracks beneath the pressure of the enormous strain of both people expecting the other to be something they're not. It is likely you both share similar fears, and together you create a whole that is actually less complete than it was when you were originally single.

    Relationships like this are messy, logic and cognitive behavioral methods don't generate the detachment necessary. Breaking an attachment like this requires a tragic ending, usually filled with both hating, and disappointment the other as well as blaming the other for the way things were and the way things ended, when the reality is -- neither intended to hurt, but out of fear, they created the very thing they wished to avoid. They both suffocated each other mutually, and didn't mean to.

    You have no control, no choice, and no way out. Expect others here to disagree and to tell you how wrong that is and how much choice you have, and how you're weak if you don't make the choice they "think" you should. Reality between lovers isn't what happens in the thoughts of someone else's head it's actually often dependent upon unconscious motives which either serve the person(s) because it's how they were raised and taught, or doesn't serve them in their adult relationships, because they inherently aren't trusting, expect the other to meet needs that are unreasonable and child-like, and so on.

    Understand yourself (I can't tell you how), and you'll be able to avoid others who aren't good candidates for a relationship while attracting those who are, and you'll also be able to give of yourself in a consistent and mature interdependent way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2008
  3. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    A two liter bottle - the first crack and sip is fresh and bubbly, every time you reseal the bottle and open it up again it's bit less fresh, until towards the end, it's unrefreshing and flat. A relationship is like this - after the initial twitterpation, reality sets in and you're left with the facts: how well you mesh, get along, enjoy each other's company, etc.

    Being that this is your first relationship, of course you don't know what to do. This is the first time you've felt this way, and have arrived at this crossroads.

    Staying with someone for reasons in the past and the HOPE that things will get better will only make things worse, especially if things between the both of you are not improving. The first time I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, I was crushed and broken, because I loved her, and now, it was gone.. but day by day I felt better, and realized that had I stayed with her, I would have been worse off living in a fantasy of belief rather than fact.

    Not all the hope in the world could have changed that relationship for the better - sometimes, you've got to end it because there's nothing left you can do on your end, and you sure as hell can't change them. By staying in the relationship you're in now, you're only causing more harm and self-destruction.

    Get out and change your perspective a bit.. meeting new people is a great way to refresh your mind and instill a rekindled belief in being able to find the right one :)
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Do you guys think it will eventually end though???:ugh2: Sometimes we have great days and then others are horrible.
     
  5. teep

    teep New Member

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    giant dot. it's why my relationship just ended.
     
  6. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    I don't see why you wouldn't want it to end without your terms first. You just going to wait around until something happens and one of you explode for the last time?

    Tell her the truth now, and let her take it however she pleases. You seem like you're already out the door on this relationship, might as well let her in on it. You obviously saw something in her that when everything else faded you didn't want anymore. There is nothing wrong with that, it happens, but it's how you deal with it is important. You never really explained why she isn't "the one" and I guess I don't need an explanation to help, I just find that suspect. I'll just assume that the better days do not make up for the bad one's instead.

    I don't know what you're waiting for. You shouldn't hold on to a person you don't care for anymore for convince. You are only hurting both of you.
     
  7. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It will end, because you nor the other person have an endless supply of energy to submit to a failing relationship -- which neither of you seems capable of willfully changing individually.

    Eventually the horrible days will overpower the good. That's just a prediction. It's possible you "might" be able to change things.
     

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