SRS Why do my friends never invite me to do stuff?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Timdog, Jul 14, 2009.

  1. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    So, I got a good group of friends this past year while I was away at school. We hung out together everyday, ate together, etc. We were kind of mixed with a bunch of different social circles, some I was more "in" with than others. Yet I always felt "out of the loop." I would never know when stuff was happening. A few of my friends would invite me to do things, but it felt like they only invited me when no one else would go and they wanted some company. Especially for parties, I would be way out of the loop with what people were doing. Then came winter break. No one even really talked to me over winter break. I tried texting most of them, some did respond. I figured they weren't doing anything anyway so I didn't think much of it. Then I went back.

    Most of them were talking about how they had hung out over the break. Not a SINGLE one of them ever mentioned anything to me about this stuff. I thought it might have been due to location, but some of the people that were hanging out lived much farther away from each other than I am from either of them.

    Second semester was about the same as the first, still felt really out of the loop. Luckily I did become good friends with one of the guys who was sort of in my main social circle, but he mostly hung out with another group. They would invite me to do stuff, even snuck me into a party or two. I'm rooming with this guy next year which will make life 10x better (my freshman roommate was hated by pretty much everybody).

    Now, over the summer, it's just gotten worse. I text people, facebook them, etc. and they never ask me to do anything with them. I see the pictures, I see the wall comments, they are doing things. I'm just wondering why I'm not ever included? I even told one of my better friends to invite me when him and some of our other good friends would meet up. I am really good "friends" with this guy. No invitations so far this summer and I see him and the other guys talking about what they've been doing together.

    Now, I know it takes effort to maintain friendships and I should be proactive in trying to find out things, but even if I do, I still feel "out of the loop." I don't think it's that people don't like me, it's more like they just "forget" about me.

    Now most people would probably think I should get new friends, but this also happened in high school. I barely saw my friends outside of school. So I think there's something wrong with me and how I interact with people.

    So, what would make you not want to invite someone to do stuff? What should I do to get "into the loop?"

    I'm thinking of calling up one of the friends I really trust and talking it over with her, but I think this might just end up making things really awkward within my group of friends.
     
  2. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    Well, I care because summer has gotten very lonely. I guess I can try finding another group of friends but all the "cliques" seem very well formed already.

    And if I don't have anything to offer, how do I get something to offer?
     
  3. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    simple, you aren't their friend. Or you don't seem really open to going out so they never bother to ask.
     
  4. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    Hmm, I am an incredibly laid back person most of the time, maybe they just take that to be boring? I'm hoping that my roommate's group of friends is better (he's really similar to me and they're all very laid back, especially since they're high half the time :hsugh:).

    Note that I did make a post earlier last week about anger issues I have, but those are usually in private and I haven't had any outbursts when around friends in years.

    Maybe I just haven't really developed well enough socially? I was a huge anti-social nerd up until my sophomore year in high school. I hardly talked to anyone at school and would just be on the computer all the time. I started changing that sophomore year, got a big circle of friends, joined a sports team, but I never really got beyond just being friends with people while in school or at practice. Could I have missed something?

    I feel myself starting to resort to my old anti-social ways. Most of my time this summer has been in front of this computer. I was a TA for a summer lab and I'm taking a class at the local university right now, but I'm not doing much else except be on the computer. I still run (was on XC and track in HS) everyday so I atleast get out of the house twice a day, but running is a pretty lonely activity (though I occasionally see old team mates and we chat for a bit). I would run with some old teammates, but the ones that still run are much faster than me so it wouldn't work.

    If I'm a boring or uniteresting person, how do I fix that? I really have no clue what to do here.
     
  5. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    My friends did the same thing after high school. I realized it was because during high school I constantly turned down their invitations to do stuff so I could play WoW and watch TV at home, and they eventually just gave up.
     
  6. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    I just want to point out how you vastly contrast your thoughts in this first post.



    then you tip the balance saying



    now, look at those chunks and you will see what one of your problems is.


    why the hell does someone have to "remember" you? You are saying that if people forget you, that you are just going to do jack shit about it. Well that is exactly why you have this problem and why you see people doing shit without you.

    Take initiative, get up off your ass, don't be waiting around for someone to invite you somewhere. That not only makes it look like they have to force you to go, but I just get the sense that you give off body language and/or say things that make you seem like you would rather not be a part of all these things.


    I bet you have low self esteem and place little value on your Identity


    the only person stopping you from making your identity a perfect ten is YOU.



    Lets take one event with two outlooks. The event is you decide to train for a 5k run in 2 months. Running with multiple people is the best way to succeed at that 5k event.

    I am willing to bet that you have this outlook-you sign up for the event and two other people you know do as well. So you go up to these two people and tell yourself that the only way you will train is if these two people agree to train with you. So they end up not training with you, so now you feel like crap and it just shows your confidence in your identity.

    The person that places high value in their identity would take it probably something like this. You go up to the two guys and ask them if they would like to train with you. They say no, but you are not disappointed at all. You simply just continue searching for someone that is willing to train with you, while at the same time having this feeling. "too bad for those two guys, they could have trained with a 5k event winner and they will have to feel like shit for turning my offer down when i win." This example the guy always values his identity to the highest extent and it will come off as this around the right group of people. Which is what you want ultimately any way amirite?


    Cliffs: get new friends that don't put you through that. You are unique, put effort into who you are and embrace it, and keep searching till you find people that enjoy who you are. Not every single person in this world is going to click with you, and you should not blame it on yourself.
     
  7. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    First, it's a bit hard to initiate things when they're already doing other stuff.

    Second, I know I've always had low self-esteem, but I have no idea how to get beyond that. I have no idea who I really am most of the time, I kind of just do what is necessary, then I'm on the computer. That's all I've done this summer.

    I don't know how to get high self-esteem. I keep doing the same things because I dunno what else to do with myself.

    Your 5k analogy isn't realistic because it takes a lot longer to get to a competitive level (unless you're naturally gifted) and I'm currently 5 minutes away from even thinking of winning a local road race. And there's no way I can drop that much time, it's genetics. You seem to suggest that I should do something that makes me have worth, but it's impossible when I've got no natural talent in anything.

    I would pursue people with similar interests as me, but most of these people are social outcasts or just plain weird.

    I really just have no idea what to do with myself anymore.
     
  8. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    reading some of what you wrote reminded me of myself. i have a bunch of "task" friends- people i can call for specific activities (gym, etc...) but no "im bored lets hang out" friends... i've got friends at school, but it seems to stay school related. :o
     
  9. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    This is pretty much how it goes. I had a friend I used to run with, he was my "running buddy." We did run a bit this summer but he's stopped talking to me. I had some local friends I would play xbox with and go to the movies with, but they've stopped talking to me. I text them but I get no responses anymore so I gave up talking to them.

    I'm starting to think I'm just really boring and uninteresting so they feel like they're just dragging me along with them and I don't really offer anything. But I don't know how to not be boring. :hs:
     
  10. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    Why don't you invite them to do things? Don't be annoying about it but be persistent.

    Also, how old are you? What are you built like? Are you short and skinny, short and fat, tall and skinny, tall and fat? Hit the gym, it'll help you with your mood by releasing endorphines and relieving stress. Set performance goals. "I want to knock 30 seconds off of my run time by a month from now," "I want to be able to add 25 pounds to my bench press by a month from now," or other goals that are based around performance will benefit you greatly. And when you accomplish those goals, small performance goals that add up over time, you'll start to feel good about yourself and your accomplishments and those will help your confidence around people, make you more active, and confidence helps you get remembered.
     
  11. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    stop texting and start calling or actually going over to their place. it's alot harder for someone to avoid you when you're talking to them or there in person.
     
  12. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    I could call, but going over to their place won't work since the closest one is about an hour away. Would have worked in high school, but not with the college friends.
     
  13. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Well definitely start calling then. It's really easy to delete a text message. Definitely take the initiative to get invited to events, instead of waiting for someone to invite you.
     
  14. Saluki

    Saluki New Member

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    Wirelessly posted via wap.offtopic.com (Opera/9.60 (J2ME/MIDP; Opera Mini/4.2.13337/504; U; en) Presto/2.2.0)

    You never once mentioned you inviting people to do things in your first post. If you feel you're on the outside of the circle its a good way to get in.
     
  15. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    guys dont really call each other.
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    every group has roles to fill. whatever role you would take may already be filled by someone else, so they don't need you.

    I started hanging out with a new group a while ago when we had our first kid. The new friends would invite us to their stuff (and we'd invite them to ours) but it almost seemed kind of forced................THEN they found out I can fix a computer, and my wife is an excellent cook. All the sudden the invitations started picking up.

    It may sound like they were using me, but hey, I was using them for stuff, too. And in the meantime we got to know each other more and now I rarely do anything with a computer for them, but we still hang out every weekend.
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    the last thing a guy should do is show up at another guy's place.
     
  18. ziptnf

    ziptnf huh?

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    Not only that, but if you just show up at someone's house, that's a little :ugh:
     
  19. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    find new friends that have the same interests as you do
     
  20. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    I refuse to invite those that are verbally/physically violent when drunk. I refuse to invite those that don't seem to actually talk to "our group" of friends. Those that seem quiet, reserved etc. Also, we don't invite those that seem to have serious personal conflicts with those whom we've known longer.

    It can't hurt to talk to them. That really is the key within groups that are well bonded. The more personal and comfortable you are with the whole lot of them, the better. That doesn't mean talk all about your aches and pains.

    Man, cliques. That is valid. My group of friends I've known since sixth grade. Still, our group keeps growing because all of us invite our "new" friends we make to join us all. My wife said the whole thing was quite intimidating at first because we all had so much history though.

    It sounds like you are having a few self-esteem issues here - which is what I suspect this group of friends had a hard time dealing with. First step you completed was the hardest - throwing out WoW! You need to put yourself out there, and be extroverted to keep yourself wound into a group. If you are there, and just kinda hang out, don't say much, and act timid then the of course won't continue to call you.

    It does sound like you pushed them away first. That doesn't mean that you can't fix it. I suggest you plan things. I really solidified myself with my "clique" when I started creating events (before Facebook existed). I'd plan bowling, drinking, boating, drinking, bars, drinking, skiing, drinking, cabin trips, drinking. I'm not trying to say alcohol is great, but it does kill social walls and barriers that people have during sobriety.

    Yes they do. My guy friends and I talk all the time. We don't call like Peter Griffin calls Quagmire "What'cha doin'?" We talk because we're usually setting up the next big event that will be on Friday or Saturday, or both.

    Correct. We had a few of these people in our friend group. That is super ackward. It's kinda like, "are you stalking me? Please don't cut me into little pieces..."

    Yup. This is where hobbies are super helpful.
     
  21. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    the analogy really does not matter. If you play bingo, shoot pool, bowl, swim, whatever, it can still be applied. You are now aware that you have low self esteem, which is a good start. Some people are not even aware of this, so never can do anything about it. Now, you don't know what to do about it. Well go to a local book store. I myself just went to Barnes & Noble this morning. They have this huge section of the store called self help. Take a look at some of those books, there are tons of them. People mention good books in this forum all the time. It sounds crazy, but give one of them a shot. Read one from start to finish. I used to have if not as much, or worse self esteem issues like you. I thought those books were for lunatics maybe, definitely not me. But I took a risk and read a few of them. It was a great idea, and I have benefited greatly.
     
  22. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

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    One little thing, I never played WoW. :p I did play EQ back in like 6th-9th grade. I was really addicted to it but I eventually got bored. I do still play a MMO (EVE Online), but since you can train your skills by just setting them to train and waiting, I don't actually spend very much time in game, just to make some cash to get better stuff.

    I agree that showing up at someone's house would be a little :ugh:. I know I would be a little weirded out. On the issue of calling, I've noticed that my HS friends used to like texting but my college friends seem to call a bit more (atleast while we were in school).

    Drinking would be a great idea, but I'm 19 so that's a no go. :hs: Not that we don't do it at school but it's a lot harder when we're all home. I guess I could give planning things a shot, but I'm really timid when it comes to that sort of stuff since I've never done it before. Plus I have no idea what to plan that all of my freinds would like. Only thing I've ever really planned was going to the movies a few times, but beyond that, I kind of always just went along with what other people were doing.

    I think I'll try looking for some this afternoon. Do you have any recommendations for a good, practical one? I know some of those books can be really out there and just full of complete BS, just offering easy answers to make people feel better for awhile but not actually providing any real, practical advice. I'm ok with stuff that is out there if it actually works (like spiritual stuff or philosophy).
     
  23. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something, I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out with the most, maybe you're all here tonight. And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here: There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there, to hate their guts. When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp, your hobby, is cutting that person down.

    Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag." Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say, "God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!". Until she walks up, then you're like, "Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?" There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys are like "Umm, I disagree." Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes. [Person from audience mumbles] "That's so true." I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny. It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny. Your whole life that person has been there.

    That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian. Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up, even if we didn't tell him where we were going. We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run. "H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?" And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group. We'd be like, "Fucking Brian is coming." "What?" [whispered] "Fucking Brian is coming." That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming. I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said, "Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here." That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote. And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.




    your name is "fucking timdog is coming" :sad2:
     
  24. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    oh fuck, I forgot dane cook actually said something that's funny!

    [y]Hl9VxVmXAxs[/y]
     
  25. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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