Why can't I just be happy with my new girlfriend...?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by delussional77, Jan 18, 2010.

  1. delussional77

    delussional77 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,782
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Overland Park, KS
    I'll try to keep this short:

    Met a girl 2.5 months ago in my grad school program and we hit it off instantly. We begun dating almost immediately and after a few weeks of constant, daily talking/texting/e-mailing she didn't talk to me for four days. We met up after class on the 4th day and she told me that she is a relationship-phobe and has routinely run away from relationships in the past (this mostly stems from a string of bad relationships in college and the fact that she is a very driven and independent person - she never felt like she's needed a boyfriend to be happy). Anyways, the reason why she was telling me this was because she did in fact like me and wanted to try to make this work. She explained that she was scared of being hurt but also scared about how she did have feelings for me - something, she claims, is very rare for her. I took this all as a positive sign (as much as one could) and we resumed our normal dating relationship.

    She's a very busy person who has a lot of personal and family commitments. She doesn't have a lot of time to see me during the week but tries to make up for it on the weekends. Most of my past relationships have been really good and usually the person I was dating didn't have a lot of commitments and could spend a lot of that time with me. That's how I liked it and how I have preferred to see this girl. Unfortunately, as I stated, she just doesn't have the time that I want to see each other and it's starting to really frustrate me.

    On top of that, she isn't very good about calling/keeping-in-touch. Sometimes I'll go an entire day without more than a single text or quick e-mail and I can't help but feel that means she just isn't thinking about me or that she doesn't care about me as much as I do about her.

    She tells me that she loves me and has taken a lot of positive steps that I know are important and sacred to her to make me feel like this relationship is growing (introduced me to her dad - which is a huge deal to her, and added me as her b/f on facebook - i know, i know...lame but still important to me).

    Basically though, I keep getting these recurring fears and paranoia that she's not going to remain interested and that she's going to leave me. When I don't hear from her as often as I've heard from other g/f's in the past it starts to make me really upset. I'm reluctant to tell her this because I think it would drive her away but it's really starting to affect me. I'm up late at night writing this because I can't sleep and it's caused me to start to suffer at work and inevitably in school.

    I think I'm depressed but it's so fucking stupid because I was far more depressed when I was single and not finding what I was looking for. I have a beautiful, smart, awesome girl who reassures me every time we talk that she loves me and is happy with me but I can't allow my brain/heart to feel the same type of happiness without thinking she is going to bail again.

    If anyone has any advice or just wants to tell me stop being an idiot, I'd love to hear it.

    Thanks everyone!
     
  2. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    7,705
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cambridge, MA
    in for responses
     
  3. TheMarchHare

    TheMarchHare OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2008
    Messages:
    2,982
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Gon-Ju, South Korea to Californ-I-A
    same
     
  4. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    It sounds like at least part of the problem is that you don't have that much of a life outside of her. If you kept as your life as busy as she keeps hers, then you wouldn't be worrying so much about whether or not she is texting you. And you've only been dating for 2.5 months, you shouldn't expect to have long conversations with her everyday.

    If you can't have fun without her being around all the time, then she probably will lose interest at some point. A guy who spends all day sitting around waiting for a girl to text him isn't very attractive :hs:
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  5. Jacy

    Jacy red lipstick brigade

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2002
    Messages:
    13,577
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    I disagree. Compromises are an essential part of relationships. TS needs to have a talk with her so that they can both be clear with each other about what his and her needs are.

    For instance, some people only need to hear from their SO once every few days, while others require daily contact. My boyfriend and I are extremely busy, and I was feeling a bit insecure like the TS at some point. We talked about it, it's been much better ever since.

    I completely disagree. He needs to talk to her about it first, and if she is not interested in compromising, then he should consider breaking up with her or deciding if he can continue on like this.

    That's right and precisely the reason why they need to have a talk.
     
  6. Jacy

    Jacy red lipstick brigade

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2002
    Messages:
    13,577
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Ah okay. He's afraid to talk to her about it :hs:

    TS: I know you're afraid that you'll scare her off by talking to her about how you feel, but you're not happy with the amount of contact you two currently have. This will not change unless you are open to her about what you need.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    The answer is simple, and you know what you have to do. Do it.






    And if you're retarded-tell her how you feel.
     
  8. Jacy

    Jacy red lipstick brigade

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2002
    Messages:
    13,577
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    I don't see how being honest with her about his needs would be a negative thing. She can't read his mind :dunno:
    If she perceives him to be too needy for her, then it would be time to walk away.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    I completely agree. That's the only answer, so he needs to quit hitching and open up.
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2004
    Messages:
    23,699
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NoVA
    Personally I wouldn't even bother to date someone with that many reservations about relationships, but that's because I'm over that whole trying to fix someone thing and would rather date someone who is already fixed.

    But since you obviously haven't learned that lesson yet, you have issues of your own to work through and this chick will be good practice and hopefully you'll learn shit along the way.

    So yeah, talk to her. First goddamn thing you need to learn about relationships is that communication is vitally important. So talk to her about your feelings. Just be sure not to attach blame to her while doing so.
     
  11. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2002
    Messages:
    18,783
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lansing, MI USA
    You sound like a clingy little bastard to me. Cut the crap.








    Is the Flux Capacitor fluxing? :mamoru:
     
  12. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    sounds like you are protecting yourself from being hurt plain and simple. you don't want to give her all of you for the fear of her running away again.
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    That's what chicks say when they're just not that into you.

    No chick would pass up on a relationship with a guy to whom she was high attracted because she might get hurt.

    Think about it. Think about all the dumb fucking things people do for relationships: Quit their jobs. Move across the country. Go places they've never been before. Lie and call into work. etc. etc. Indeed, the very act of liking someone a lot makes you do stupid things including putting yourself out there and possibly getting hurt.

    It's the same bullshit my psycho ex said to me. It's a predictor of drama. I'm just saying...

    Translation: "I don't know what I want."

    Depending on how old you are, you may or may not have the patience for this. I wouldn't.

    Go meet some other women so you're not so hung up on her.

    Maybe she has high standards that most people fail to meet. I can understand that.

    When someone is very interested in someone else they restructure their lives to accommodate that person. See above. People quit jobs, people move across the country, people call in sick to work in order to spend the entire day with you. They don't say "uh... I'm busy..." without doing anything to make up for it because remember, when someone is very interested in you, they chemically crave you and will do things to be able to see you often. Heroin addicts don't just think "well, I hope I get some H this week but if not it's no big deal." They restructure their life in order to get the H when they are craving it, which is often. Exactly the same in relationships (see my other thread about how attraction has been shown to be roughly equivalent to an addiction to a hard drug in the brain).

    Basically everything she is doing and saying suggests that she's just not that into you.

    She's just not that into you.

    Chicks who are very interested in you will go out of their way to send little texts. How long does it take to type a text? Like 10 seconds. Chicks who are very interested in you will create little 20 second pockets in their day during which they can spend 10 seconds to text you with "i miss u baby!" or something along those lines.

    She's just not that into you.

    Actions > words.

    She's just not that into you.

    :hug:
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  14. delussional77

    delussional77 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,782
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Overland Park, KS
    hmm...where to begin

    thanks for the advice!



    I'll try to address these posts somewhat sequentially.

    First off, we are both 26. I have been in many relationships throughout my life including a 5 year relationship that ended amicably and most recently a 6 month relationship that ended because I wasn't interested in that partner for marriage and decided it was time to move on. I have been in 4 or 5 solid relationships that were at least 6+ months in duration. All of them have been pretty much the same, where the girl always did a good job of demonstrating to me that she was into me. My other girlfriends have always done a good job of making me believe that they liked me as much as I liked them and I never had a reason not to trust them because of that.

    Somewhat agreed. I don't have much of a life outside of her. Not to make excuses for myself but I'm still pretty new to the area and she has lived here her whole life. I usually stay busy with school (which is just now starting back up) and a lot of outdoor sports and activities but it's winter now and I'm basically shut in most of the time. I agree that it's definitely not attractive for me to waiting around for her to text/call but it's hard to avoid. Even when I do force myself to be busy it doesn't stop me from thinking about her and then just finding myself frustrated if I haven't heard from her.

    Thanks for the good responses. I agree that I'm unfairly comparing her to my ex's. The reason I always left my ex's was because I was dissatisfied with them and most of that was because I felt they had no ambition and weren't doing anything with their life (which I was, so I felt they weren't meeting my expectations). Now, ironically, I meet somebody who does have ambition and goals and actively works to the pursue them and I find myself reeling because I can't have the relationship the way that I want it. I'll be the first to admit that this girl is great and definitely the type of person I've been hoping to meet for a long time. With that said, I don't plan on ending this...at least not until giving this a chance. I definitely thing sticking with this and trying to work through my problem(s) is a lot better option than simply ending it out of frustration.

    I haven't really let on to her at this point exactly how I feel. However, I think I've beat around the bush enough about it that she's getting the idea. I've told her that I'd like it if we could talk more often and that I really like when she sends me little e-mails or texts letting me know that she's thinking about me. I know it's cheesy and immature to feel this way, but it really does make me feel a lot better and comfortable. However, I also feel that at such an premature stage in the relationship that this might be far more damaging than good. She has made it clear to me that she has done a lot to try to accommodate me in her life and I can agree with that on most levels. We still don't get to see each other as often as "I'd like" but I realize that relationships are compromise and I can't expect her to bend to me completely without being willing to bend to her needs as well.

    I have to admit, I think if I had never known about her "relationship-phobia" from the beginning a lot of my current negative emotions would have never occurred. I have always tried to stay away from people with relationship issues and was tempted early on to just abandon this but I knew I had feelings for her and wasn't ready to give up. I've always been like that though, I do attach myself to somebody emotionally pretty quickly. A lot of people think that's a problem but I don't know how to not do that. Usually my emotional attachment is reciprocated appropriately in my partner and things are great. I do want to talk to her about this but I also want to get my own head straight first before doing so. I definitely will not assign blame, or at least I'll try not to.

    This, unfortunately, is pretty much spot-on. I am usually very willing to give myself 100% with no assurance from the other person that they feel the same. Sure, it's burned me in the past and it hurt...but i've always soldiered on and remained positive about dating and looking forward to finding the "one". As I alluded earlier, I think seeing her almost disappear once has set my head spinning and I'm not sure how to stop it. A lot of my negative thoughts revolve around the potential demise of this relationship and the grief that comes along with it. I usually never do that with other people which is sort've why I'm coming to the Vag for advice on how to deal with it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  15. delussional77

    delussional77 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,782
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Overland Park, KS
    I have no way to refute this, based on my previous experience, but I guess I'm just hopefully (naively?) optimistic that this isn't the case. I obviously can't tell for sure if she's into me or not..if I could, I wouldn't be having this discussion as I would have already dealt with it. I agree that "SOME" people will do dumb things for relationships...but I can't yet accept that EVERYONE is willing to do those things. I know what you're talking about though because I'm typically the type of person who would do those dumb things for a relationship. It seems obvious that she wouldn't, but then again this relationship has only existed for 2.5 months. And, if you consider that she was already scared of relationships from the on-start it makes it seem more plausible that her actions have a less sinister meaning.

    I think this would hurt the most. I feel that I know what I want and the thought of her not knowing the same thing just makes my stomach drop...not sure why.

    I'm 26 and I don't know if I have the patience for this. I'm starting to realize that I don't.

    same as above...I can't really agree or disagree since you and I don't know exactly whats going on inside her own head. It's frustrating though because I "want" that same reaction and am not getting it.

    Agreed, I think about this often and it really bums me out that she doesn't do this. All of my previous ex's have always done this and I can't help but make the same connection that you are that "she's just not that into me" when I don't get little texts like this.

    :sad:
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  16. delussional77

    delussional77 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,782
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Overland Park, KS
    Thanks for all the really great advice everyone. I do appreciate you weighing in on the matter and trying to help me figure out what to do from different perspectives.

    One reason that I posted on here wasn't so much to get an explanation of why she is doing certain things .... but rather to try to get advice on what I can do to cope with this. I really don't know if I think talking about this with her would solve the problem. I really do feel like talking about it would only deepen an already apparent void and maybe I'm just scared...but that sounds really scary to me right now.

    If anyone has any advice on how I can try to mentally cope with this I'd be grateful. I will fully admit that I'm bad at reading and understanding relationships, but I know that I like this girl and that I want to try to make things work. I really need to figure out how to make myself stop worrying about these things and stop trying to parallel her sometimes lacking communication as a direct sign that she isn't interested in me.

    Thanks again!
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    It's not that "some people are willing to do dumb things for relationships." It's "everyone is willing to make themselves available for someone that are very interested in." The "relationship" aspect doesn't matter.

    In fact, I would go so far as to say that someone who isn't making themselves available is not very interested in the other person.

    Those attraction chemicals... it's not a choice. It's not "oh gee, I'm so busy all week, too bad I won't have a chance to see so-and-so." It's "fuck, I miss so-and-so, what strings can I pull so that I am able to see them ASAP?"

    People who are scared of relationships are even more scared of losing a person they are very interested in, so being "scared of relationships" is an excuse that means "I'm just not that interested in a relationship with you."

    Do you think if Brad Pitt wanted a relationship with her that she would be "scared of the relationship?"

    Because you're very into her, and what you're experiencing is the fear of loss on a chemical level, like telling a crack head that they're not going to be able to get any crack for an indefinite period of time. They'll experience a similar physiological response: anticipatory withdrawal.

    Good. You shouldn't. Games like this are for young people who haven't figured out how relationships work yet.

    Well, even regardless of how much she is actually into you (which is "not very much"), there is another thing here that's missing, and that is that you're not getting what you want out of this "relationship."

    Even if she was 100% into you, you're not getting what you want, so who cares?
     
  18. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2008
    Messages:
    3,680
    Likes Received:
    0
    This is just not true. Falconer you seriously have to stop acting like you are a relationship expert. I am scared of serious relationships, I like to be in one and I think I can commit to one, but at the same time the thought of "something forever or for a long long time" always scares me, even if it is with someone like Brad Pitt. And saying "she is not that into him" just because she doesn't constantly call or text him is retarded. She is just a very busy person. When I first started going out with my ex (who I was really into) I just saw him on weekends just because I was super busy with school. He was very understanding about it and told me school should come first which was a huge turn on for me.

    I think TS is being insecure here. The girl is obviously trying to prove him that she loves him, but he is used to his ex's needy ways. He wanted a relationship with a goal-oriented woman and he should know it comes at a price.
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    We'll see which one of us is right a few weeks/months from now. Scared or not scared, she's not that interested in him.

    But like I said, regardless, the TS isn't getting what he wants from the relationship so he doesn't seem very happy. Because of that, I don't think he should spend much more effort on the relationship.

    For example, say a person in a relationship likes lots of attention from their SO, but they're currently not getting enough. You can't just be like "hey, I want you to text me more during the day" because a) that is SUPER needy and b) it doesn't work that way because then you know the other person will just be texting you because you wanted them to and not because they want to = it's insincere and builds resentment (the other person thinks "ugh, I have to text them again").

    I stand by my belief, which is based on experience, that when a woman is very interested in a guy that she will go out of her way to make herself available. They call you. They suggest dates. If they can't make a date, they suggest alternatives. They text you. A lot. They call into work to spend time with you. They leave work early to spend time with you. They pull as many strings in their life as they can in order to make themselves available to you. It's not an issue of needy/non-needy or secure/insecure: it's an issue of being interested in the person; it's almost subconscious. A crack addict doesn't say "oh gee, it would be great if I could get some crack this week." They say "fuck, I NEED crack NOW" and they do what they have to do to get it. When a woman is very interested in a guy, she needs the emotional (chemical) fix of being with him. Even if she chooses not to, she won't be able to concentrate on anything because she'll be thinking about him 24/7 if she is very interested in him. Obviously now this is not the case if she's just casually into him, or doesn't know what she wants, or playing the field, or dating casually, or dating other guys, or keeping her options open, or isn't so invested in him that she wouldn't really care if the relationship were to suddenly end, or whatever else.

    IBvirgins and people who haven't been crazy in love before say that that is being needy and insecure :rolleyes:

    We'll see. I wish him the best, but I'm still putting my money on "she's just not that into him." :hs:
     
  20. delussional77

    delussional77 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,782
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Overland Park, KS
    Everyone, I appreciate the advice but I'd like to remind you that my intention of this post wasn't so much to bitch about my girlfriend and her lack of apparent interest in me... but rather on what I can do to cope with these feelings and to try to figure out how to make myself happy in this relationship.

    Everyone is certainly entitled to give their own advice (hell, I'm asking for it) but telling me to break up with her or analyzing her actions seems trivial and unfair. I can't read her mind and nobody here certainly can either. I know that she is trying to show me that she cares for me. Perhaps I'm just (naively) optimistic but I have hope for this relationship.

    I need help getting past this relationship anxiety. As it is now I have a beautiful girl who tells me she loves me and enjoys seeing/talking to me but doesn't take much initiative to talk to me sometimes and whom I don't get to see as often as "I'd like". I'm obviously finding this to be very upsetting but I don't think I should. I am insecure and I'm usually not. I am scared of getting hurt but I'm going to press on. I have absolutely no reason to believe that she isn't possibly going through the same thing and having the same feelings and reactions.

    Can anybody give me some helpful tips on how to deal with this from an emotional stand point? If I was to talk to her about this how should I approach it? Should I just chill the fuck out? I need help...
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Again, you need to talk to her. You'll never get anywhere healthy in a relationship if you refuse to open up about your feelings. Doesn't matter how you bring it up or when, but the longer you wait the more resentment will build up and the more annoyed she will be that you didn't tell her sooner.

    If you still refuse to talk to her then see a therapist.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    It sounds like you've already accepted defeat.

    You're basically saying "this relationship isn't what I want it to be, so how can I force myself to come to terms with it."

    Dude, wouldn't you rather be happy???

    You're approaching this all wrong, IMO.
     
  23. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2002
    Messages:
    5,188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Great White North
    I agree with you there. It's not only about interest level but also about the fear of abandonment (which might be the concern of the TS to a certain extent) and the avoidance of intimacy which his SO seems to manifest.

    Seems to me like the avoidance of intimacy activates the TS's fear of abandonment. It seems that feelings are a source of distress for the girlfriend which leads her to do other stuff. We've all heard about women who prefer not to show interest in a guy even though they admit that they are.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Then it's a compatibility thing.

    The TS wants a girl who shows interest. Otherwise he's going to be in freakout mode constantly until he gets annoyed and resentful enough and then he's going to break up with her.
     
  25. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2002
    Messages:
    5,188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Great White North
    I'm not sure if we're talking about normal variations in level of expression. I think that the girl has issues that she expressed to the TS.
     

Share This Page