SRS Why can't I have a serious relationship with girls?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SpicyMcVoodoo, Jun 24, 2006.

  1. SpicyMcVoodoo

    SpicyMcVoodoo New Member

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    I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems to everyone else but me that dating naturally progresses into serious relationships, even if they're serial serious relationships. For me, it just doesn't come naturally at all. What comes naturally is hooking up with girls in party situations, and being good platonic friends with girls, but for some reason I never become good friends with a girl I'm hooking up with, i.e., a girlfriend.

    Even though I'm complaining about it, I really don't care on one level, because I don't really want a girlfriend right now, but I'm seriously starting to wonder if something is wrong with me because the last serious relationship I had was 6 years ago. Since then I've just had random hook ups.

    Looking at what I just said, someone would probably say, hey, there's nothing wrong with you... you're just not ready for a serious relationship, nothing wrong with that, and so you're not getting what you don't want...

    Well, I've also had friends that claimed to not want relationships, but as a result of dating or whatever, they eventually fell into them. Again, it seems to be a natural progression for everyone but me, even those who claim they don't want it. Hell, it even used to be a natural progression for me when I was younger...you'd think as I get older, I'm 24 now, that I'd be even more inclined toward getting into serious relationships...but it's just not happening. wtf. :hs:
     
  2. bigballofyarn

    bigballofyarn OT Supporter

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    Maybe it has to do with the way you approach women. If you're like "Hey wanna have a good time?" that alone seems to imply that all you want is sex and partying.

    If you meet someone on a school campus, or through a personal ad where you share a common interest, you're more likely to start off the relationship on a NONsexual note. So it starts with talking, taking her out to dinner, and builds up.

    Generally if you only meet people at clubs, or bars, it is my personal opinion that most of those people don't want a loving, committed relationship.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    To the OP it prolly has something to do with "hooking up" with women. You prolly don't respect them the night after..or whatever. If you are at parties and meeting women while drunk...then you find that you aren't attracted to them when sober...welcome to my life! lol...when I quit drinking I found it more difficult to approach women but I'm much more attracted to them in the long run. Perhaps you should only hit on women when you're sober...then you'll know you're going after one that find attractive.

    As far as moving into a relationship...it's easy, just keep calling her and asking her out. What's the big deal?? Instead of calling your buddies to go drinking, call the girl and see if she wants to go instead. Or keep asking her to join you and your group of friends.

    IMO there really is no substitute for time. YOu've got to put in the time together to have a relationship.
     
  4. SpicyMcVoodoo

    SpicyMcVoodoo New Member

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    Wow, I think you're right. I think the problem is that I don't really hit on women when I'm sober, so the only women I meet are in the drunken party context, which isn't conducive to real relationships. But I think that's only a symptom of the real problem, which is that I'm so introverted I have no desire to hit on women when I'm sober because I have no desire to be social at all when I'm sober. I have to fucking drink to even want to be social. I'm not shy and am a very comfortable and personable in social situations, but it's all an act. I don't particularly enjoy being around people no matter how good I am at it.

    I guess the way I've learned to deal with my introversion is to keep my social activity confined to short bursts on the weekends, and having a girlfriend would fuck that all up because it'd bleed into the week. Maybe that's why it feels so unnatural to take a relationship beyond the weekend.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You sound very conflicted. So if you really don't like being around people, why do you hit on women, regardless of drunk or not?? Perhaps you really do want to be around people but the only way you can be around them is to have a little help from alcohol?? I dunno...you tell me....am I right?

    Oh and having a g/f may not fuck up your alone time. You may find one just as introverted as you and you all can build a wonderful life together...apart from everyone else. To me...that's a great reason to keep trying to meet women.
     
  6. SpicyMcVoodoo

    SpicyMcVoodoo New Member

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    I hit on women when I'm drunk because I want to get laid, not because I really enjoy their company. When it really comes down to it, I'd rather spend time alone than with other people of either sex.

    I do "want" to be around people because I know intellectually that if I completely isolate myself from people, it'll fuck up my life. So I want to be around people like I want to take bad-tasting medicine. I still don't enjoy it, though.

    Interesting...I've been telling myself that I need to find an extrovert to balance me out, otherwise we'd turn into a recluse couple. If I have a serious relationship, it'll take away one of the prime motivations I have to go out and be social-- to get laid. Without that motivation, I'd need some innately social girl to drag me out, otherwise I'd never do anything social.
     
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Is the reason you don't like going out with your friends because you feel like you have to be drinking around them?? OR they won't accept the sober you?? If so, perhaps you should find some new people to hang with.

    Nothing wrong with being a loner man...I'm pretty much one but like you I reach out and try to be part of other people's lives and let them be a part of my life. I don't do this with just anyone. I'm very selective about my friends. If they don't accept me as is, warts and all, I find new friends.

    Well I would only suggest an extroverted girl if you want to change and become more extroverted. Otherwise, why not find an introverted girl?? She might be the answer to all this conflict. :shrug:

    Perhaps what you need is to be more introverted right now...like it's something your spirit or soul is demanding. Perhaps, you might be growing in that regards. I know I've gone through periods of isolation because I was working on stuff.

    Overall, I enjoy being out there. I know it's hard sometimes for me to be more extroverted but the more I put myself out there...the better I like it. But it really depends on who I'm around. Since I'm an alcoholic if I'm around people that want me to drink all the time, I'm just not comfortable.
     
  8. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Sounds like you don't actively date. When you meet a girl and you spark... don't fuck her if she's cool. Date her. I know, novel concept. But its how you wind up in a relationship.
     
  9. I'm in the same boat as you as Mc, but I don't give a crap. My parents have been great at providing an inspiring example of what a healthy relationship is NOT, from my teeny-bopper years on. But when I do fall for someone it's intense, with some really incredible women. Meanwhile, back in present time, I make lots of time for doing things that are extraordinary, which can be better than sex, better than a lot o' crappy relationships that I've seen.

    You should be happy that you get laid every once in a while. It'll be a while longer before I'll even be able to swing that.

    Oh Peyomp's last post was the sort of thing I read in dating for dummies, which is too stuffed shirt because it stems from some psychobabbler, but give yourself some more creative leeway in reading it, and you might find it useful.

    cheers,
    neil
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2006
  10. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Wow I can't imagine why women wouldn't want a serious relationship with you :hsugh: You are better off sticking with the drunken party whores, decent non-slutty women wouldn't want a relationship with a guy like you anyway.
     
  11. Budha

    Budha Guest

    Dude i'm the same way as you, I get sick of a girl after like 2 weeks. I just find that i'm not attracted to them at all for some reason. Now I really like a few girls, but there is no way I could ever get with them due to boyfriends etc. Honestly its me not finding the right girl. I really dont want to find the right girl though, but I guess your getting older and you want to settle down? Idk just ranting.
     
  12. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    i noticed from your av :mamoru:
     
  13. illmaceyougood

    illmaceyougood New Member

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    Lack of self confidence = lack of ability to open up and share your feelings = no serious relationships
     
  14. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    And yet I thought everyone around here keeps saying that opening up and sharing your feelings (from the male perspective) was a bad thing in a relationship? That the man should just be a hardass and wait for the woman to do any feeling-expression.... :noes:
     
  15. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    god, how totally absurd. (no offense!)

    I'm just in a relationship now where I (the woman in the relationship) do all the talking. And he just sits there and listens, doesn't ever give any insight, doesn't ever bring his own problems to my attention, or have any desire to fix them. I can imagine that I did initially get in the relationship with him because he was so calm and seemingly collected, but that makes things soooo tough because if you actually have problems, you should convey them.

    to the OP: If you want a party girl, you may meet her at a party. But it sounds to me like you're a little more introverted at heart, so maybe that's the kind of quality you'd seek out in a female. :dunno: If that's the case, then you need to find a hangout or something thats a little more tame. Or, maybe one of your friends with a girlfriend has a nice friend that she could hook you up with? :mamoru:
     
  16. ormand

    ormand New Member

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    I want to slide my penis in some pusssayyyyg h :boink:
     
  17. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    No offense taken, I was being facetious ;)
     
  18. SpicyMcVoodoo

    SpicyMcVoodoo New Member

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    Actually, now that you mention it, that's totally it. I'm a hardcore introvert at heart, but I've perfected my extrovert act. The result is that while "in character" I meet girls, put on the dog and pony show, hook up, whatever, and then the next day I distance myself from them because I can't keep up the extrovert act. It'd be too exhausting. I guess I'm afraid that once girls find out the gregarious, superficial me they met the night before is really an introvert who'd rather spend all day reading, they won't like it, so I preempt the whole thing by distancing myself from them.
     

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