I've come to the realization that the majority of my personal convictions and habits are bullshit. I have been developing my own sort of alternative reality, and hiding from myself and everyone around me. I have experienced no traumas in life, I am intelligent, I am not outwardly hideous, I don't take drugs and generally only socially drink; what am I afraid of? Myself? Others? I believe that I am delusional about SOME aspect of my life and that it is self-destructive, but I have never tried to rationalize something like this before so bear with me. I really don't know how I started or why I behave like this and it's making me sad - I nearly cried today when I first considered the possibility that I am making myself unhappy, and not anyone or anything else. I haven't cried since I was a child. I've read that setting and achieving goals is one small way to help generate a purpose for life and to be happy, but I can't remember the last thing I wanted to do that wasn't for the sake of not doing something else. I chose my major/career because I did not want to be "poor" (I very much enjoy the work but it wasn't my original idea of life after college), I chose my first college because I didn't want to live near my parents and my second college because I didn't want to live so far from my good friends, etc. At this stage I know a lot of what I don't want out of life, but a list of "do not wants" doesn't get me any closer to the things I desire. I have no idea what I actually, honestly want. I always followed the advice of various teachers and set myself up to have anything, and now I feel lost because it's entirely up to me. Like staring at an ocean of possibilities and knowing I have to jump in, maybe I don't want to let go in case I make a mistake? I make mistakes all the time, why do I expect to be perfect now? And that's the nail on the head, so-to-speak, I think. It may have been disjointed rambling but I just needed to vent, thanks.