SRS Why am I lying to myself?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Blahaboxxx, Apr 19, 2007.

  1. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I've come to the realization that the majority of my personal convictions and habits are bullshit. I have been developing my own sort of alternative reality, and hiding from myself and everyone around me. I have experienced no traumas in life, I am intelligent, I am not outwardly hideous, I don't take drugs and generally only socially drink; what am I afraid of? Myself? Others?

    I believe that I am delusional about SOME aspect of my life and that it is self-destructive, but I have never tried to rationalize something like this before so bear with me. I really don't know how I started or why I behave like this and it's making me sad - I nearly cried today when I first considered the possibility that I am making myself unhappy, and not anyone or anything else. I haven't cried since I was a child.

    I've read that setting and achieving goals is one small way to help generate a purpose for life and to be happy, but I can't remember the last thing I wanted to do that wasn't for the sake of not doing something else. I chose my major/career because I did not want to be "poor" (I very much enjoy the work but it wasn't my original idea of life after college), I chose my first college because I didn't want to live near my parents and my second college because I didn't want to live so far from my good friends, etc.

    At this stage I know a lot of what I don't want out of life, but a list of "do not wants" doesn't get me any closer to the things I desire. I have no idea what I actually, honestly want. I always followed the advice of various teachers and set myself up to have anything, and now I feel lost because it's entirely up to me. Like staring at an ocean of possibilities and knowing I have to jump in, maybe I don't want to let go in case I make a mistake? I make mistakes all the time, why do I expect to be perfect now? And that's the nail on the head, so-to-speak, I think.

    It may have been disjointed rambling but I just needed to vent, thanks.
     
  2. yourfather

    yourfather New Member

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    you are just asking yourself the, is there a meaning to life bs question.

    trust me dude, im there too.. i just finished college, i dont have work, my fiancee lives overseas.

    these things arent permanent.

    I'll find work, my fiancee will move here etc..

    Just be patient.
     
  3. BlueJeans

    BlueJeans Money For Nothing

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    I have no advice. Just a fellow traveler on the path of life who stopped by to read what you had to say. :)

    Volunteer for something? Try something where you give a little of your time without any expectations of recieving something back. You may find it rewarding on a lot of levels.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Your name is just some intellectual concept created by your parents.

    Your personality just the sum total of all perceptions experienced, memories stored... your past is an illusion which alters with time, and the more you change the more your memories change. The future is just an intellectual concept of rationality based on what you calculate it to be.

    Cliffs: You are fake.

    I am fake.

    You are always lying to yourself.

    Everything is subjective. Your thoughts, observe them. Usually pretty pointless, hardly every objective, very dualistic.

    Humans are biological machines driven by chemical impulses in their environment. Hardly ever unpredictable, suffering and in misery for much of their time.

    They do not respect the Law of Karma, this is most of the reason for their suffering.

    Humans will continuly stick to age old, by the books routines of living, thus the suffering continues.

    I encourage you to explore www.gnosticteachings.com and go to courses, click on the law of karma. It is very important.

    When you are lying to yourself, you are planting seeds for the future. Lies cause suffering.

    When you can finally start admitting truths to yourself, perhaps you will still suffer, but the truth will set you free and then you can progress. Lying in a forest of lies will inhibit your self growth.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    The fact that there's no predetermined meaning to your life can be quite a source of anxiety and it's one of the basic premises of existential psychotherapy. Groundlessness can be something that many people want to avoid and suppressing thoughts about it is an easy way to do so.

    Maybe it's easier to act like you're afraid of something because this way you have something to do, you have a meaning which is to escape it. Maybe all you want to avoid is the fact that you have to give your life a meaning.

    Unless you want to go into psychotherapy, introspection and DOING something, anything, is what you have to do. Maybe get that book called "Existential Psychotherapies" by Irving D. Yalom too ;)
     
  6. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    This seems too self-conscious of a reason. I don't think I've ever been so aware of my behavior. I can say that I have always felt some level of fear of achieving goals because of the unknown that follows. Like people who create "A list of things I will do before I die"; so after you complete that list you can die, just like that? How absurd!

    This can flow through to pretty much anything in life:
    If I truly want the pretty girl, and I get the pretty girl, what will I want then? Another pretty girl? No other girl ever? People do irrational things, forever is a long time, if I choose the latter, I risk being emotionally hurt far worse than by not knowing.
    If I get the promotion I will have more money and maybe I can buy anything I want. What use is money when you have all that you want? If you don't want or need anything anymore, what is left to do?

    THIS is the delusion I have created for myself and it's terrifying that I've kept myself down with this logic. I let myself float through life like a passenger because I don't want to aim for anything, that would mean risking failure or pain. I think Spiritus' website probably will tell me that it is the experience that matters; I am not sure, yet, if I'm ready for that. I think I would like to be, but here is another unknown and the cycle begins again.
     
  7. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    It appears that you're ultimately afraid of success. You continue to allow yourself to suffer and create problems so that you can both A) sit around and focus on them and fix them in your head (because that's where they exist), and B) avoid ever engaging in anything which can result in success or failure.

    You're looking at things as an end, not as a linear progression. "I get a pretty girl and then what? That's it. I get a promotion and lots of money, then what? That's it." You're projecting into the future. You're taking your current self, making a cut out, and pasting yourself into that future situation. You're taking point A, skipping the middle, and pasting yourself at point B. What you fail to see is everything you accumulate between point A and point B, and all that stuff is what matters the most. You'll find something in there that will give you a point C, and on your way to C, you'll find a D, etc. etc.

    How do I know this? I have the same fucking problem. I write stories and music. I figure, "Hey, once I record this song, then what?" So I don't record the song. I think about doing it. I busy myself with my insecurities and other mental hangups. I never allow myself to finish that song and put it out there because I don't know what's on the other side of that experience.

    You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. You can think of all sorts of possibilities, you can predict, but you will never, ever know. This is FACT.
     
  8. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    I wouldn't say it's success but what success leads to ultimately : loss of meaning, the fact that you have to find a NEW goal. But well, we've only heard like 500 words on you, we can't really tell what the thing is. You think about it though, it's what matters.
     
  9. daxtrader

    daxtrader New Member

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    What you need to do is to challenge yourself. Try things you would never consider trying. Test your limits. You'll start to find meaning in the things you do. You'll become passionate about certain things and you'll figure out what you want in life.

    Start aiming big. Try to achieve something that you think is almost impossible for you to achieve. You'll be amazed how much potential the human mind has. Judging from your post, I feel like you have not been challenged enough.

    You keep saying IF i achieve this, then what? IF IF IF IF IF. But guess what? You haven't achieved anything. Why not set a goal, and achieve it first and see where it takes you? We grow from our actual real world experiences, and not by things that just go on inside of our heads.
     
  10. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    you remind me of the song "the wizard" by black sabbath
     
  11. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of "living in the moment". This goes along with what I said about living like there is a checklist to fill out. It's like I've trained myself to think that everything has to lead into something else and that it all builds up into a store of experiences that I can remember at a later time. But I'm not really paying attention because I want to prepare myself for what comes next. This is unfortunate, how much of my life have a missed because I was on autopilot?

    I've tried to "observe my thoughts" and think about what underlying factors are creating them. While I haven't been able to use these observations in a constructive way, I do notice that I feel a lot less anxious about little things that annoy me. I'll have to look farther into it, but this gnostic stuff makes sense. (Besides surprising me that it addresses most of my questions in this thread on the first page of that site)
     
  12. glass

    glass New Member

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    Re: existentialism
    even Camus had a wife and kids.
    ===
    you remind me a lot of myself, especially that part above. you see yourself as one of those people who's meant to have it good, with lot to be thankful for. you think you should feel lucky you don't have to deal with wanting to be better looking than you are, smarter than you are, etc..

    at least that's how i felt. here's a flipside: sometimes i think the people who struggle over "petty" things like this are lucky, since it postpones thinking about the existential questions. no one who's struggling cares immediately about "the meaning of life" enough to consider suicide (for example).

    once, on the way to see my parents i had a good think about where my life was going and ended up bawling my eyes out when i arrived at their house (that left them very confused).

    the only difference is probably that you have close friends while i keep mostly to myself.

    ===

    here's what i thought.. i haven't quite resolved "what is the meaning of my life?" just yet. i don't think i will anytime soon. but i realized that as convinced i am up in my head that life might be pointless, there have been moments when i was genuinely happy. i mean those times when, despite my cynicism, i could exclaim "maybe life isn't so bad after all".

    i think a good short-term goal is to put yourself in a position where you can grab this happiness with little trouble when you see it walk by. if i see a beautiful woman, i don't want to wish i'd spent that time in college to get a better job than that douchebag trying to pick her up. maybe you don't know what to do with your life just yet, but when you do decide, wouldn't it be nice to already have some of the means necessary to do it?
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2007
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Wanting to let go, endifficults letting go, because it does not bow to the will, but bows for bowing.

    You are being dependant on disillusions, you have the feeling your world will fall apart the moment you let go of them, while in reality you would keep on existing without them. In order to jump in the sea, one must let go of the ground that lies under their feet.

    Basically your fears glue you to the place where you are. You need to unglue yourself, imagine you are in a room, although there is a door in that room that leads outside, you are too afraid to go thru that door because of the unknown consequenses, even tho its open, the fear for what lies beyond enables the room to become a prison.

    Do not let your actions speak of irrational and absurd fear, what is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that. Cast off your fear! Look forward! Go forward! Never stand still. Retreat and you will age. Hesitate and you will die.

    There's only 3 directions in life, down, stay where you are and go in circles, or go upwards the first two are worthless and lead to nowhere, only the last leads to progress in your life. This is why you don't have to fear anything in your life, because regardless of wether you win or loose in life, the real thing that matters is the upward going course you set for your own life.
     

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