SRS Why am I always so suspicious of everyone?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Carl Brutananadilewski, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Carl Brutananadilewski

    Carl Brutananadilewski Active Member

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    First a little about me:

    I'm 26, gainfully employed (2 jobs, both in my chosen field, and I am mostly happy with the way things are headed in the job department), and money isn't really an issue. Sure, I'd like to have more, but my bills are paid and I have money to spend if I want to go out or buy something on a whim. I have a great girlfriend, although we've only been together about 2 months.

    I currently live with my parents due to multiple reasons, most notably being I was married until this Feb and I couldn't afford my house payment on my income solely (that's not entirely true: I could afford it, just not comfortably :hs: ).

    I have a few really close friends, several work friends, and many other social acquaintences.

    My problem is I have a very hard time trusting someone. I'm not necessarily talking relationship trust with my girl, either. I mean I often times wonder if people are flat out lying to me about mundane shit like if they can go out Saturday night. Now, my wife and I are divorced over her cheating, which probably has a lot to do with this. Unfortunately, I'm also a bit insecure, which is probably the rest of my problem. Combine that with my naturally suspicious nature due to the job I do, and I guess I am just fucked over with this problem :wtc:

    Basically, any advice anyone has who has the same problems I do would help. If there is anything you've done to alleviate the distrust, or any tips you think might work, I'm open to anything. I don't want to ruin my friendships or my current relationship over something as stupid as this :hsd:
     
  2. 7G

    7G God

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    I have no advice, but i have pretty much the same problem... Shit sucks... no matter what someone tells you, there is always that feeling that they are just fucking your around to be nice or whatever...
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    What's your job? We don't know if it would be a factor since you omitted it.

    You just got divorced a year ago because your wife cheated on you...that's a traumatic experience and will take time to heal from this. Sometimes these wounds can be very deep so don't believe this pop psychology bullshit of "you have to give yourself twice the time you were together to get over it...so if you were together 2 years, it'll take 4 to be over her." That's seriously bullshit and you should ignore it.

    This kind of an end to a relationship can be so traumatic that you may never be fully over it....especially if your ex was particularly cruel during the breakup or worse, ambivalent to your feelings.

    I had and at times still have serious trust issues. However I was told...and I still believe that you get over trust issues partially by discussing them but mainly by trusting other people. Who we decide to trust is an important issue also and figuring that out and how that will affect our abilities to trust takes time and effort.

    The other thing about trust is also to realize that our expectations can place too high of a burden on the other person and this can cause us to be "let down" at some point. In my mind this often gets mixed up with feelings of someone violating my trust and I have to consciously work my way through these issue and realize it wasn't so much that they were being dishonest or violated a trust but that I had set certain expectations, not expressed those expectations to the other person, then when they didn't live up to those expectations, I got pissed/hurt. Realizing this is an issue for me and identifying when, why and how I do it has been a HUGE help in stopping myself from setting this up. I'm not perfect by any means and sometimes this old behavior comes back into my life....but I am much better than I used to be so perhaps one day I'll lick this demon for good.

    Anyways, I think it's important to discuss trust issues but just be sure to practice what you've learned. I've found much more growth comes from applying what I've learned than simply talking about it forever and ever.
     
  4. Carl Brutananadilewski

    Carl Brutananadilewski Active Member

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    Thanks for the post.

    I am in law enforcement. I work part time as a cop, and full time in security (doing decidedly cop-like functions...working the security job I've had to take much more enforcement action on people than I ever have as a cop). This means I am immediately distrustful of people anyway. I am sure a huge part of my problem is not being able to 'turn it off', so to speak, when I leave work.

    The shit with the ex wife is long and complicated. The very, very short version: we were married almost 6 years, together a little over 8 total. She cheated with 1 guy (that I know of) 2 times. I do believe the 2 times thing, because the guy admitted it (he wasn't lying...he thought I was going to kill him :hsd: :o). After she cheated, which was about 2 years into the marriage, we tried to work it out. In the following 3 years of our relationship, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I told her I loved her, and I was never really over it. Then, finally, one day I just kind of put it behind me, things went to being actually really good between us, then she up and left because she said me being affectionate and basically normal was such a change it "freaked her out" :ugh:

    Honestly, I think her leaving after I tried doing the right things, on top of the cheating and trust issues that alone caused, has fucked me up more than anything.

    One other thing that I recently found out about my current gf: she enjoys smoking weed (she's a 20yo college student :o :naughty:) and it seriously bothers me. I talked to her about it, and explained that I couldn't be around that shit with my job, but I wasn't going to make her choose. She said she would gladly quit, because smoking doesn't mean more to her than I do, and hasn't done it since or hung around places where people were smoking out. More importantly, though, I don't know why it bothers me. Personally, I feel weed (and every other narcotic) should be legal anyway. I have no problem whatsoever with alcohol or tobacco, and use both rather frequently. It's not simply because drugs are illegal, either, because I have a lot of contempt for a lot of laws and really don't care if people break them or not. I dunno, guess I'm just a hypocrite on that one :sadwavey:

    Anyway, sorry for the long, rambling post...hope it provides some insight.

    ETA: I know I went a little off topic with this post, just wanted to give some background on my current situation. I think Coottie is on to something with the expectations thing though.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Maby you want to use a method that you are familiar with in terms of law:
    Namely "innocent until proven guilty"

    Use that because everyone deserves at least one chance from you. Trust is something that needs to be earned, its not a given. And that's why you shouldn't feel bad about the feelings of mistrust that you initially have, just let the feelings flow.

    Its better to use a reward system , see it like a closed door, in the beginning there is no trust, after 1 year of good behaviour of a person (or any time given that you feel comfortable with) you as a reward for not breaking the trust open the door 25%, after 2 years of good behaviour 50%, etc etc, but never 100% completely. Always keep a 'little bit of suspicion' regardless of how good you know a person, because you never know a person 100% no matter how good you think you know a person.

    So give yourself a break, no one expects you to be trustworthy when you get cheated on, it sucks and it not only breaks your trust, it also violates you as a human being and emotionally damages you to a great extend, and healing simply takes time, point out, so don't be so hard on yourself, because i would react in the same way, you just need to take things in perspective, and once you do, you'll notice 'hey not everyone in this world is a lying bitch, there's actually nice people out there as well', and once you reach that point, you're time of healing has begun.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Probably because people in your past have proven themselves to be distrustful, so now you apply it irrationally to everyone. The reality is, you can't ever know if someone will always be trustworthy. Eventually you have to either take the risk, or risk being imprisoned by your own walls that initially you raised to protect yourself.
     
  7. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    There's an episode of super nanny you should watch. It describes your exact situation. Cop that couldn't "turn it off" when he got home. Wouldn't stop interrogating his 9 year old daughter over the dumbest shit :rofl:
     

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