This shit just hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been working on trying to get myself happier in the present rather than reflecting on the past & getting stuck on what the future holds. Really working on it. But ... the future just crept back in. I know it will be what I make of it, but there's a huge gap I need to cover to come anywhere close to being satisfied with my life. I have this stupid health problem holding me back & I'm trying to cope & work on improvement ... I can't help but see more alienation, loneliness and deterioration. I've been in touch a little bit with others affected by it & it's kinda dismal. I'm trying really hard to set myself up to succeed and keep my head in the game but I know that it would take some freaking miracle of medical science to stack the odds more in my favor. It's not like it's a terminal illness, it just means functioning and feeling like a fucking zombie the rest of my life. It's hard to look forward to that. Hopefully this feeling will lift soon. Writing about it helps. I feel sick to my stomach. Any time I cry I get massive headaches. Makes me want to cash out. Ugh. Oh well. Keep goin'.