Who should say it first?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by LisaYvette, May 30, 2009.

  1. LisaYvette

    LisaYvette New Member

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    I think I'm in love with my boyfriend of three months. We're taking things very slowly, but I do want to know how he feels too before going further if you know what I mean. I keep wanting to blurt out that I love him. But one of my female friends said that the girl should NEVER say it first, (or pretty much, never initiate any furthering of a relationship first) that it's a recipe for scaring him off if he doesn't feel the same way, so it's better to just keep quiet until he says it.
    But he's also quite emotionally scarred from previous experiences with parents and friends and whatnot (I'm his first girlfriend) and I don't know if he would say it first. I actually think he does love me, he just hasn't said it.
     
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Active Member

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    my ex said it before i did :dunno:
     
  3. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I said it first.
    I said it when I felt it.

    When I said it to him, he said it back.

    There shouldn't be a rule and no one should wait to say it just because the other person hasn't.

    What happens if he dies tomorrow and he never knew you loved him?
     
  4. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I think it depends on the relationship. Personally, I would really rather not to be the one who says it first. But I had a bad experience and once was rejected by a guy who I was really in love with.
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Active Member

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    and to be honest, i'm a little afraid to say it, because

    1) i honestly haven't gotten over the first "love" i had with a girl

    2) i'm not sure if they really do love me (3 of my past 3 gfs who said they "love me" ended up cheating on me)

    so yeah, just say it when you think it feels right
     
  6. LisaYvette

    LisaYvette New Member

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    I have low self esteem and though I'm pretty sure he loves me back I don't want to upset him by 'forcing' him to say it...

    But at least some of you think my friend's 'rule' is a bit weird!

    She has many such rules. :p
     
  7. MudRacer4x4

    MudRacer4x4 New Member

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    answer these questions

    Does he like to see you as much as he can?

    Does he treat you well?

    Do you guys talk alot and really connect?

    If the answer is yes I would say it first.
     
  8. LisaYvette

    LisaYvette New Member

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    yes yes and yes. He stays up late with me even when I know he has to get to uni in the morning and will only have about 6 hours sleep, and on the days he cant see me he talks to me on msn for ages... he definitely treats me well, and yes we talk a lot.

    Sometimes it's hard for me to judge what's normal as he's my first boyfriend. (yep, at 23 so sue me)
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    All you are doing is telling him how you feel. Unless you say "So, how do you feel about me?" you aren't forcing him to reveal anything.

    Just be prepared that he may not say it back and that doesn't mean he hates you or that he doesn't care about you, it might just mean he isn't up to saying that yet (or he may not love you yet).
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Why not take a few more months until you know you mean it, that way you are so confident in it you wont care his possible response.

    3 months is really soon. You have to really get to know the guy.

    PS-Welcome to the forums. Read these threads about your situation (and the Sticky: MOST COMMON THREADS):
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3431384
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3411503
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3561899
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3407040
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3091800
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  11. LisaYvette

    LisaYvette New Member

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    Interesting that you think it's a short time. In other threads people were going on about how three months is a hugely long time to wait for sex. I'm sure not having sex until I'm sure we both love each other and that it's going to last. Oh well that's the curse of being nice.

    Also I have no search capabilities yet. :( (maybe one day if I can afford it)
     
  12. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    you can't afford $5 for a months sub? get off the internet and get a job.


    Would you wait to test drive a car until after you've already bought it? Nope, why do the same with relationships.
     
  13. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I think most girls like you think sex is going to always be some magical thing, and your first time is going to be amazing. It's usually not. Its going to be awkward and painful more than likely. So you will have that jaded view of sex until you just get it over with and realize that it doesn't always have to be something special, and that it can just be two people having fun while getting to know each other.
     
  14. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    You are right. I blame religion.
     
  15. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    The girl should say it first. Girls are supposed to advance the emotional intimacy on a relationship, guys are supposed to advance the physical intimacy.

    Although if you guys haven't even had sex yet it would be polite to let him get into your pants first before springing the "L" word on him. Unfortunately I'm with Black Dahlia on this one, when you're young and inexperienced sex is a huge deal but in time you'll realise it's not such a big thing. Sex is a healthy part of a relationship and often (not always) your best sex is had when the relationship is new and you're crazy about the other person. If you're lucky then both the relationship and the sex stay amazing as time goes on but if not, at least you had your fun while it lasted :)

    It seems like you've read the situation quite well, and if you do say it I would tell him "I don't expect you to say it back to me but..." and if he's not ready to say it he can thank you for sharing and it's no big deal.
     
  16. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    the one that has the balls to say it w.o fear of it not being said back.
     
  17. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    To be quite honest with you, it really DOES NOT MATTER... The fact is if you're actually compatible and you found a good match, it doesn't matter when you say it, what matters is "how you say it"... If you say it like you're some crazed over excited psycho, then yes he will get scared off... If you calmly tell him you're falling in love with him and smile, then I'm sure he will enjoy hearing it....

    Obviously you generally don't want to jump into things, 3 months seems a little early to me... Are you sure you love him? Or are you just extremely infatuated with him? What if he all of a sudden started paying less attention to you or mistreating to you, what would happen to this love? Would it stand the test of time? What is love? Have you even considered these things?

    People throw the word "LOVE" around so much in the west, most of the time without ever having taken the time to define and understand what it truly means...
     
  18. MudRacer4x4

    MudRacer4x4 New Member

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    I would tell him that your really starting to care about him. See how he reacts and post it
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I disagree. In all my LTRs I believe it was said at or before the 3 month mark.

    When you have fantastic chemistry with someone, it just happens naturally.

    Of course every case is different.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    It's worth noting that there are some girls who will not say it first regardless.

    I know women are emotional and blah blah, but this seems to be the one rule that some women hold to with an iron will and will not violate regardless of emotion (unlike every other "rule" they have which they will easily break given the right emotional stimulus).
     
  21. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Say it when you mean it. There is no time frame, or who should say something first, etc.
     
  22. whitepearl

    whitepearl OT Supporter

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    i said it 1st..he said it back right away..i think we both knew how the other felt..i guess i had more balls to say it 1st

    since when is there a rule on who says it 1st?
     
  23. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    I agree.

    The first 3 months of a relationship, your partner generally doesn't reveal their true self. You find all that out when you actually live with the person or have been dating them for maybe over a year. It's always new and exciting in the beginning of the relationship. I doubt you even had your first argument with him yet. You might want to take a step back and really think if it's love or not.
     
  24. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Exactly.
     
  25. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Why must it be said?

    Feelings > words

    Treat him like its your last day together, every day, and you'll be happier than you would with a verbal exchange.
     

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