Which is worse, physically or emotionally cheating?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Leah, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. Leah

    Leah Well-Known Member

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    This may sound like a very silly question to some of you, it did to me orginally, but I have recently (February) gone through a situation where my SO had an "emotional affair" of sorts with a coworker. I was suspicious of the girl in question ages before I learned what was going on because she was always leaving flirtatious comments on his Facebook. I asked him then about her and he always said it was nothing, just a young girl putting herself out there. About a month later I come to find out they've been texting eachother some pretty inappropriate things...nothing sexual, just heavy, heavy flirting. I flipped the fuck out naturally and he assured me that it was just a little "crush" and that he loved me, yada, yada, yada. Ironically, he said the whole thing started because her boyfriend cheated on her and apparently he was her shoulder to cry on and ego booster in the aftermath. ( :wtf: ) Then about a month after that he informs me that he is still talking to her and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore, that he needs time to think. I said no way, why should I do that myself? Wait around for him to choose between his girlfriend of 3 and a half years and some random bitch in heat at his work? So I packed up all of my shit one day, he comes home from work and starts bawling, apologizing profusely and saying that he made a huge mistake, he didn't know what he was thinking. I was a brick wall until about the 5th day of that and then I caved. Because I really do love him and want to believe that this was just a bump in the road...I know he didn't *do* anything with her, she's a hardcore Baptist and there simply wasn't ever an opportunity because him and I live together.

    But the fact that his emotional relationship, his "crush" on someone else, was almost enough to make him forget all about me, is the most hurtful experience I've ever gone through. I spent weeks and weeks going from murderously angry, to inconsolably heart broken, to righteously bitter and determined and sometimes I felt all of these things in a matter of minutes. Things are getting better now, he cut off all contact with her and she has since gotten another job (I guess all the fun went out of work when there were no more homes to wreck) and he continues to be very patient with how I still get upset at times. He's very contrite and reassuring. But I still have nightmares and I still have flashes of rage and sadness.

    Granted, I've never been physically cheated on, so I can't even pretend to know how that feels. But I've found that the majority of male cheaters don't do it because they like the other woman, they do it because they think they are hot and want to fuck them, period. A one time, meaningless romp with someone seems less hurtful than wanting to be with someone else.

    Any light you can shed on this or any experiences you can share would be appreciated. I'm not really looking for advice on the situation I went through, I've already made the decision to give him another chance (I guess we'll see if it's a huge mistake...) but so far, so good. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same as I do about emotional cheating and if you don't, what it is about physically cheating that you find more unforgivable. :hs:
     
  2. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    I don't think your version of 'emotional cheating' really fits my definition of cheating...

    IMO cheating involves some kind of physical interaction but I definitely wouldn't like my gf flirting with some other guy. Physical and Emotional cheating to me would differ in that the act of cheating was done out of physical attraction or emotional attraction. Lust vs. Love

    EDIT: my ex from 2 years ago was extremely flirtatious (which is probably why I found interest in her) and she continued to do so throughout our relationship, even when I was around. I didn't care for it but I also didn't call her out for cheating...
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2008
  3. fray

    fray New Member

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    I haven't read your whole post yet, but I'm about to. I will edit if appropriate.

    I think emotional cheating is worse. I think it is less recoverable than physically cheating. When someone physically cheats, sometimes it is just that - physical and nothing more. When they emotionally cheat, they detach themselves from you and from the relationship. The latter is more disastrous.

    edit: After reading, I don't know. I don't blame you for anything that you did. You're not in the middle of this anymore, you have already made your decision, so it's hard to say anything. Intially I would have said leave, but you did and changed your mind. You've got all the facts now, you will just have to see if you can get over it. I stand behind everything I said above. I think emotional cheating is more hurtful, and maybe harder to recover from. It makes you question the entire basis for the relationship. I'm not sure that your situation lands directly into either of these categories, but seems to be more a mix of the two. I'm sure I'm repeating everything you already know.

    :hug: Hang in there. Keep your eyes open. Take care of yourself.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2008
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Doesn't matter to me. Both are automatic end of relationship with me.
     
  5. fray

    fray New Member

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    emotional cheating is more that you develop another relationship (gf-type closeness, but no physical stuff) while you are already in a relationship. Typically all of the sharing and intimacy (goals, hopes, desires, general chatting - that type of intimacy, not physical) shifts from the original relationship and is instead carried out in the new relationship...leaving it lacking in the old. I think this normally develops when there are already problems in the old relationship.

    Here are links that make more sense: http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=156
     
  6. coldstone

    coldstone New Member

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    Unless the emotional cheating leads to physical cheating, does it really matter? You can't call flirting emotional cheating. I am a natural flirt, and I am not gonna change as a person just because I decided to be monogamous with a girl. If some girl were to accuse me of emotionally cheating on her, I'd call her a drama queen.
     
  7. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I think you guys are misconstruing the idea of "emotional" cheating. It's not just flirting with someone, its having a full-blown relationship. It's being connected to a person in the way you are connected with your significant other.

    A lot of times someone will meet someone online and start to develop a relationship like they have with their bf/gf. Having a romantic relationship with someone outside of your relationship is considered cheating.

    Now, what he did isn't cheating per se, unless he was emotionally involved with her like he would be with you. Just playing around and flirting I don't think is considered cheating, but it's disrespectful just the same and I would have left him if I were in that position.
     
  8. hypernikes

    hypernikes New Member

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    Emotional cheating is worse to me. When he said he didn't know what he wanted anymore and needed time to think, I think that he was pretty emotional involved.
     
  9. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Generally, guys don't typically have a hard time getting close to others of the opposite sex and aren't as emotionally guarded as girls, so the cheating part is just a small step forward in a typical friendship. Escalating an emotional relationship to something physical is huge for guys. I don't know how it is for women...maybe the physical is easier to get to than the emotional?
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2008
  10. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    That's the only part I had a problem with. I have no problem if my gf flirts with other guys as long as it doesn't effect her relationship with me, but if she said something like that I think I'd have to let her go.

    ummm no

    maybe the sexual feelings part but that could be innocent flirting. I guess it depends on how much you trust your SO.
     
  11. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    Sexual feelings are NOT innocent flirting... telling someone you want to get with with, and you have a bf/gf? That's not innocent to me. And I highly doubt you'd be okay with your gf seriously telling a guy she wants to get with him.

    And I think he means emotions along the lines of a gf/bf relationship, something more than just friends and a friendship-like emotional connection.
     
  12. Jack Horner

    Jack Horner Guest

    .
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i think i would be more hurt or upset by emotional cheating than a one night physical thing. the physical cheating would piss me off more though. probably because my SO would have been throwing away our whole relationship for 10 mins of fun. at least if its emotional, there is hopefully something substantial behind it

    however, i dont know how someone would earn trust back from either of those. but i think is harder to walk away from an emotional cheater because they didnt technically "do" anything, its all in perception, nothing physical.

    both deserves a break up though.

    and to the TS, big hugs, cause i'm sure this is going to take some time to get better for you
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    that's a retarded definition.

    emotional cheating can be a handshake or a conversation.

    physical is less hurtful. emotional ftl
     
  15. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    .
     
  16. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I feel they are both equally bad and I would not tolerate either.
     
  17. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    he took it too far. i think its normal for little crushes to happen but in your case the line was crossed somewhere.
     
  18. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    :ugh:

    you have got to be kiding me

    please, do yourself a favor and never leave your house.
     
  19. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    Leah - I'm sorry for the actions of your bf and yes they are hurtful but things could be worse. Good luck
     
  20. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I wait for the day your gf forms an attachment to another guy. Then you can find out what it's like to have her love someone else while she supposidly loves and confides in you. When you can't give her the support that she needs and she has to get it elsewhere.
     
  21. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    I never said that it doesn't hurt.

    losing someone who you love is painful and for some devastating.

    However, I still fail to see how this should be considered cheating.

    And I have experienced losses where it be in a relationship or life in general, but I'm not about to break up with someone for having a small crush outside the relationship or what JohnJohnJohnson would have you believe (a handshake or a conversation). I would be a fool to think that my gf wasn't the least bit attracted to some of her guy friends but I trust she won't act on those urges.
     
  22. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I'm not referring to a small crush as cheating, but a full blown emotional affair.

    According to Wikipedia:

     
  23. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    I still think physically cheating is worse.

    You can't CHOOSE how you feel but you CAN choose how you act.
     
  24. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    But you can chose to develop an emotional relationship with someone else besides your SO.
     
  25. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    thank you
     

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