SRS Where to go from here.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by fantyx, Apr 10, 2006.

  1. fantyx

    fantyx New Member

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    My girlfriend and I met about 8 months ago through a mutual friend and hit it off within the first week of meeting. She ended up breaking up with her bf of 8 months 3 days after we met because he couldn't please her both sexually and emotionally. This led her to have an insatiable sex drive that I could barely fill. for the first 3 months of our relationship we couldn't be closer, but around christmas her grandfather died, and her mother found a used condom wrapper of ours in the trash (she lives at home).
    Since then she has become more and more emotionally distant, and her sexual interest in me has dropped to zero. I don't exaggerate when i say she refuses to see me anywhere that isn't a public place. I've asked her on multiple occations what is wrong and she just tells me she has issues to deal with and she will work through them herself.
    It is obvious her mother hates me, and when I do manage to convince her to come to my place, she is anxious and obviously does not want to be there. She has a fair amount of emotional issues from her past, but is a very intellegent and mature, and usually can deal with these things.
    My problem lies in the fact that I tend to shift moods from one extreme to the other. Most of the time I am quite content with our relationship, but others I cannot stand to even talk to her. She has most definetly changed over the last 4-5 months and aspects of her i used to find quirky grind on my nerves, and she makes no attempt to curb them.
    I only used to get into a passing bad mood for 5-10 min and it would pass, but now they last upwards of 3 days when I cannot talk to her without getting mad. She still insists that she loves me, and based on her personality most likely would never cheat on me, but she is emotionally void and will do nothing to let me help her.
    I very much do not want to break up with her. I considered myself to have an extremely high standard for women before I met her, which let me to be single for several years. She is one of the only people I've met to even come close to what I'm looking for. I feel like if it ended, I will be in another emotional rut like one that led me to be unlikable and bitter in the past.
    She tries to please me but it is obvious she is not interested, and frequently breaks down crying after the little sex we have. I dont want to force her to do anything so I've stopped trying to be intimate all together.
    I really don't know what to do, I can't talk to her about it, and she can't fix it on her own.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You can change your life, by filling her life with love and support. You might as wel be a complete alien to her and mother in the way you act, and she herself is alienating you from you. Why? , there are no bonds of love, can you be gf/bf just by calling out her name? You never took the time to get to know her, or her parents. She now has issues, which are that her grandfather died, and that her mother discovered that both of you where having sex with eachother,in which her mother feels betrayed that her child is having secrets behind her back, in which of course(and not correctly) she blames you.

    Now your gf feels exposed,embarrased, and her grandpa dying combo have send her into a rut, she is feeling down, which is the perfect oppertunity for you to be her support, in this you can say to her, look im not only here for the sex, but i am also truelly being your bf, by supporting you in times when things go wrong. Have a talk with her mother, show her and convince her that you are the ideal son in law. Be a part of the family instead of a complete stranger, wether that sustains or not is unimportant, what matters is that you clearly show your position and role into the whole picture.

    For a sustainable relationship you have to remember this most of all. ONLY put love and light into the relationship, did she come with you so you could make her unhappy? Are you with her so she can make you unhappy? Of course not, your two are supposed to make eachother happy, thus act tolerant, and accept that a relationship is a continues investment , fight for the relationship not against it.
     
  3. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    How old are y'all? Just curious.
    She is having emotional problems from the sounds of it, and it's affecting virtually every aspect of her life. Has she seen a doctor or a therapist of any kind?
     
  4. fantyx

    fantyx New Member

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    She is 19, I am just shy of turning 19. I think i put too much emphasis on the sexual aspect in my first statement. The real issue at hand is the general distance I feel between us. It does come and go though, as we do spend a fair amount of time together.

    I agree with darketernal, I need to be more supporting.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Wow, so this emotionally distant girl is actually the victim? All she needs is some support and everything will fall back into place? Sorry, I don't buy that.

    From my experience, and from the dozens of times I have spoken with guys in this same or similar situation, the WORST thing you can do is smother her and try to be supportive. Why? Because you wouldn't be focusing on the REAL issue.

    The real issue is that her interest level in you has dropped so far that she doesn't even want to be around you alone, she wants to meet only in public places. She doesn't have sex with you anymore, she is emotionally distant, etc. These are all HUGE signs of her having low interest in you as a partner. When this happens the WORST thing you can do would be to come on stronger and smother her. How would you feel if someone who had mild interest in started smothering you and getting annoyingly supportive when you barely want contact with that person? It would drive you away more.

    What you should do is tell her that she clearly isn't ready for you as a partner at this time in her life and you decided that space was the best thing for you. Once she is past this period in her life or decides what it is that she wants, she can contact you and maybe you will be single, maybe not. Why do this? For one, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Don't give me any crap about what she says because I am a HUGE believer in ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS, especially with women who usually have the two things contradicting each other. What she is DOING is pulling away and showing little interest. For two, confidence and self respect are two HUGELY attractive traits, and if you have both of those, you wouldn't be wasting your valuable time with someone who doesn't want the same thing in a relationship as you, and especially one who isn't giving anything back to the relationship when you are giving plenty. That self respecting confident person would be like, "I don't deserve this and I won't tolerate it. I KNOW I can meet other women who will be as into me as I am them and I am not wasting one more second of my time with this BS. I've tried to talk to her, I've tried to reassure her, and she is giving me this stupid run around and isn't being receptive. I'm out!" Maybe she will see that you have that self respect and confidence and will realize she is going to lose something great if you leave and will in turn try to get you back, or maybe she has lost her interest so much that she won't care. Either way, IMO, you should tell her that it's best for you two to split. She's not even making an effort.
     

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