where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Epiphany, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    Well I'm in a bit of a tussel right now. I've had a lot of things working my brain over the last few months with my boyfriend. We do have trust issues. I think in a sense he is just thick and doesn't understand my side. I don't know how to get through this.

    I've been dating my bf for 9 months now. The first 5 months i came to realization that I started out as a rebound girlfriend. My boyfriend was approximately 3 months out of a 4 year relationship when we started dating. The majority of their relationship was for the most part long distance for the last 3 years. He told me it just fizzled and they had to end it when they did. That they had just turned into more like friends. He was making all the effort to go see her for the last year of their relationship he drove two hours every single weekend to be with her but she wasn't coming here at all.

    He kind of flipped out when she started dating someone else. That's when he started dating me. We had been good friends for a year although I didn't know much about their relationship at all. He apparently did have feelings for me for a long time but pushed them aside since he was with her but when she found out we were together (he didn't tell her) she had just ended a relationship with the other guy and since (memorial day weekend) has been trying to wiggle her way back into his life. He'd defend it and tell me all she wanted was to be friends. I don't know if he truly believed that or not but he's seemed pretty genuine that he believed that. He said he didn't feel based on the way she was that she wanted him back.

    The kicker I found out later was apparently she flipped out when she found out he was dating me... which caused him to second guess things with us but he stuck with me. (She's still to this day living out of town about 2 hours away in a house which she bought). I just recently found out that in June he went to see her when he went to training in the city she lives in (we started dating the end of March)...but I also was told by his friend's girlfriend that nothing happened and that after he left from seeing her he realized why they never made it and she basically just told him he was never going to amount to anything and put him down the whole time. (He has a really good job!) She said he came back looking like she beat him to a pulp emotionally.

    Anyways... things seemed ok for the most part up until July. She got into an mountain biking accident and broke her jaw and her arm. She of course called him the very next day slurring (mouth was wired shut) and crying and all to tell him she was home for the next two weeks and what had happened. He was really upset (which he tried to hide) (but I could understand) when he found out. I was in a long relationship...actually married before. I'm not above the fact that it would affect someone to hear that someone they care(d) about to any degree...got hurt that bad.

    I was fine with him going to see her once to see she was ok but then I found out (after the fact) he was going to visit her more than that while she was here with her parents. when he wasn't answering his phone and wouldn't call me back till late with no explanation, I had to start drilling him on where he'd been or he never would have told me. He went to see her 3 separate times the first week. I got really upset about it and he decided he needed to sort things out because it wasn't fair to me. He took a week and realized that dispite the fact that he cares about her, he wanted to be with me.

    Since the accident, we've spent every weekend together whether its at my house or his. We are together from Friday after work through Sunday night usually about 11:30. We work for the same company. Go to lunch together. Chat through email all day most days and usually I'll spend one or two days outside the weekend with him during the week depending on how busy things are. So I know he hasn't been with her if she's come in on the weekend. He's always with me.

    What is bothering me is

    Obviously trust. I've found things out after the fact but at the same time based on other things I've found out it's more because he doesn't want me to freak out. I've told him I'm aware of all this and what's been going on but he still hides stuff.

    Second, she's still calling him. I know he doesn't usually return her phone calls. I don't think he's calling her. I'm not real sure how often they talk but I think he tries to put a boundry up. I have caught him texting her back when she repeatedly texts him. He says he is just friends but I just can't seem to get past this. He knows it bothers me and he can't just let it go. He says that he feels that all it is is friends and I need to trust him regardless of feelings she may have but I don't know how to when he nearly left me because he had feelings for her. I do think he is for the most part over her but he still cares about her. Based on things he says, he forsee's being with me for years to come. He talks about future related things years upon years from now.

    He doesn't go see her when she's here. He's taken me when he's gone down where she lives to visit his friends. I know at least since the accident and his choice to stay with me, he hasn't tried to see her when she's tried to get him to visit. He doesn't return a lot of her calls. The problem is he's trying to hide the fact that he does talk to her at all. The only time I've found things out from him in the past is when I've dug for it or drilled him on things. His response is that he doesn't want me to freak out unnecessarily when there's nothing to worry about. I think in a lot of ways it is to keep me from getting upset about it but It's causing me to feel like I have to figure out what's real here. I do worry stil that he will go see her and not tell me. I've told him that. Based on things I've found out I feel like he has worked/is working past his feelings for her and he is trying to be more like friends but I just don't know how to trust it.

    She spent a whole weekend trying to call him and text him recently because her uncle died of cancer the night before. (Which he didn't admit to until I called him on it) She started calling at 7:30 in the morning...he didn't answer. Apparently he emailed her back a few days later but he got defensive when I got upset about her calling. I always know when it's her calling or texting. He always says who it is and when it's her he doesn't say a word. I just want it to end and her to move on. He feels he's putting up the boundries but... I just don't know. She doesn't seem to be moving on dispite his "boundries". I also found out she told him she loves him again but he did not reciprocate. Just basically said thanks thats always nice to hear and blew it off yet they continue to talk. When he finally admitted that she was calling because of her uncle dying I asked if he was going to the funeral or calling and he said he felt an obligation because he was close to her family and that was it but he came to see me instead.

    I just don't know what to trust.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2006
  2. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Your gut feeling is leading you in a direction that matches up with the facts.

    It seems that every cheater often says one, or all, of these 3 things. "You need some professional help!" - "You have been talking to your damn friends too much." - or "I just lied to you to keep you from getting mad for no good reason."

    The last one, which your man falls under, is the worst one of them all. The first two aren't always bad, because sometimes they can be said when a guy is being completely honest. But, the third one, is bullshit.

    He is lying because he is doing something that he knows is wrong. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, he would try to logically argue with you about it, like any other guy. He would say "We are just friends! I am not giving up my friends just to make your bullshit suspisions go away. You can come hang out with us if you really want to." ---- If he says "It would just be weird for you to come hang out" then something is up.

    Life is not like the movie Runaway Bride, where Richard Gere is still great friends with his ex-wife and her new husband. 99.9999% of the time, ex's, ESPECIALLY being together for more than a year, can not be friends.

    They were together once, so you know the attraction is there. She still loves him and contacts him all the time. He hides it from you.

    How does he act around his family? A sure way to tell how a significant other will treat you is to watch him/her around their parents. Does he lie to the people he loves? Does he always talk bad about them?
     
  3. islanderman7

    islanderman7 New Member

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    wow that was a long read and i have finals tomorrow.

    well, it good to get it off your chest. i wish i had some profound wisdomto offer to what your going through.

    Apparently his "boundaries" are not high enough. What he needs to do is to just change his phone number (or block) and cut off all communication with her. Sure he may care for her, and may want to talk to her, but thats not fair to you. You should ask him, how would he like it if you were still talking to your ex.

    I think he should ask himself, "who does he see himself having a future with?" and go from there. He said he would be with you, then his priority should be devoted to you.

    Maybe you should confront his gf.:dunno:

    I am sorry to hear that you do not know what to trust anymore. Once you lose that, its really hard to get it back. In every relationship, "TRUST" is a key factor. If you can no longer trust him, then I suggest ending the relationship.
     
  4. white lightnin

    white lightnin New Member

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    It seems he is having trouble empathizing with how this makes you feel. He hasn't been forced to really think about the situation as he just shrugs it off.

    From my past experience I will say that it can be difficult as a guy to see things from the perspective of your partner. If he feels secure with you then he can easily take you for granted.

    Its taken me a lot of time and mistakes to become the kind of man I wanted to be. Make it clear to him how this is making you feel. I don't think he is cheating on you, but he is being selfish and not respecting you.

    Hope things work out:)
     
  5. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    The thing is there are very rare opportunities for him to see her since she is long distance. They've had chances but he hasn't taken them so far...since the accident and he seems to be attempting to distance himself more and more but she's just not taking the hint. He says he doesn't want to tell her to flat out go away because he does care about hurting her feelings...and that he does still care about her in some ways but he doesn't want to get back with her. Before she told him she loved him he say she may or may not have feelings for him but he sure as hell wasn't going to ask her about it.

    Apparently she went ahead and volunteered the information but he chalks it up to the fact that she's dealing with a lot of things right now with her uncle's death and all.

    They had 4 years together. I know if he was going to screw around with her... it wouldn't be a fling it would be for good. I know she wouldn't have it otherwise and I know he knows that.

    Since the accident he hasn't taken her up on any of her offers. I don't know. Sometimes I look at him and think... why am I even worried about this? If he was going to, he'd have plenty of chances. And other times I just can't stop thinking about it because I know she's trying so hard to work herself back in and he's allowing things without drawing a firm line.

    With his family... he's lost a lot of respect for his mother and father because his mom cheated on his dad for a long time and his dad wouldn't kick her to to curb. She continued to do it and he still thinks she may even be doing it. It almost seems like he goes back and fourth with that. He's said he would never want to put anyone through what he saw his dad go through and hurt someone like she's hurt his dad and his sister and him...

    It sounds like they used to be close but ever since then he's pushed them away. They do family things quite a bit but he's not really open with them. His mom tries to be motherly to him but in a lot of ways he shuts her out.

    He doesn't lie... he hides stuff. I've yet to catch him in a lie so far. When I ask him things straight up he will tell me the truth no matter what it is... it's just that I have to ask point blank and that's what bothers me. From what I've found, he does seem to have a conscience. I just feel like he doesn't see it as wrong to hide things that he knows will bother me, from me. I'm not entirely convinced that he intentionally goes behind my back to get away with things to gain anything with her. but given his track revord prior to the accident i still have a hard time trusting him since she's still in the picture. He's trying to appease two people and I just don't feel he should feel he has that obligation to her anymore matter what life crisises she's dealing with every ten minutes or how terrible they may be. He knows she cares and the more he gives in the less likely she will get the message and move on.

    It took him till after that accident and him deciding what he wanted and coming back before he'd even tell me he loved me...He told me he wanted to know for sure before he told me, so I know when he says that he loves me, he means it. I know when he chose me over her... after knowing he could have her back if he wanted it said a lot too.

    I'm having a really hard time sorting all this out. I can't figure out what is what sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2006

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