When you're not getting what you want in a relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Dec 18, 2006.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    How do you effectively bring this subject up? Like say you've been with someone for a while but little things are starting to bug you, like maybe she's nagging too much, or not being respectful, being taken for granted, etc.

    Some people would just up and leave. That's probably not the best course of action cuz maybe there's potential left.

    Some people would turn it into a petty argument that wouldn't turn into anything good.

    But what's the right way to do this? Me, being logical, would probably say something like "Hey, we need to talk. I think you've been being disrespectful because you've done x, y, and z, which said to me that you're not really interested..." or something like that. I've also learned that I'm too lawyerly when it comes to this type of stuff and that presenting evidence to support your point, while logical, is not necessarily the best way to go about it (I'm taking this completely on blind faith because being logical and presenting evidence to support claims is the only way that makes sense to me).

    So anyway, how do you do this? How do you effectively say "I'm not happy with the following aspects of your behavior/how you treat me, it's not something I want in a gf, and I'm not going to continue to put up with it," without sounding like an ultimatum-dropping douche-wad?

    Every time I've tried this before in the past, well, it seems I haven't had a girl mature enough to discuss things. Everything I said was met with "whatever, you do the same thing." Of course, she couldn't provide examples to support her claim (likely because I wasn't actually doing that stuff and she was just being immature and trying to turn everything around). At that point do you just say "forget this, you're too immature?"

    I'm trying to study up on this stuff while I'm single right now.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Yes. Well, maybe you don't come out and say it, but that should be your line of thinking.

    A worthwhile partner will listen to your concerns and address them in some way. An immature partner won't want to put the time and effort in to change, and will just try to throw it back at you, make you do all the work. A partner like this isn't worth being with.
     
  3. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Part 2 of question: how do you say "what are you going to do to keep me from feeling this way in the future?" without sounding like an ass?
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You have to sit down and say something along the lines of "I'm having some concerns about the way things are going." Then talk about what's bothering you. Then say something like "I can't be in this relationship if things stay the way they are now".

    There's no real easy, unhurtful way to say it. you just have to be clear about it.
     
  5. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Can you give us some concrete examples of what is going on? I could probably give some more guided insight with a real life example. :)
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I'm just thinking back toward the end of things with my most recent ex. She turned into a disrespectful bitch, started nagging, basically stopped being sweet, etc. Like I'd go visit her and it didn't even feel like she was happy to see me. It was like we were co-habitating or something instead.

    We'd get in a fight and it would go like this (I'm making this up but you'll get the jist of it)...

    [in the middle of a fight]
    Her: Whatever. Like the other night when you were trying to use reverse psychology on me.
    Me: When did I try to do that?
    Her: Don't play ignorant. You know what I'm talking about...
    Me: No, seriously. Can you give me an example so I know what you're talking about?

    Alright, so say something like that happened. I'd like an example to support her claim so I know wtf she's talking about. The neutral answer would have been "you were doing x when y." I would have gone "oh, i see what you mean/disagree/whatever." But I wouldn't get that, I'd get immature "don't play ignorant" bullshit.

    Now, let's continue from there. Later on I would accuse her of something, and she would mock my answer from before by saying "when did I do that? Can you give me an example?" I'm sure she was just saying that to piss me off, but because I'm mature, I'd give her an example, which she would counter with (in a sarcastic tone) "I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about."

    So I thought the way to get through stuff like this was to be diplomatic, but apparently not, because women cannot argue logically.

    Anyway, that's one example of something I'd consider immature and disrespectful. So say the girl has redeemable qualities, but she plays these kinds of games. I'm looking for the correct way to be like "hey, knock that shit off" without actually saying it like that.

    One time I was like "You're being disrespectful. Why would I want to be with someone like that?" And she goes "there's the door if you're not happy." I go "wow, sounds like you really give a shit" and I left. :dunno:
     
  7. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    She wanted you to dump her. That's why she was acting like that.
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yeah, it sounded like low interest level.

    If I was into someone and she was upset, I'd try to make her feel better. I wouldn't be a d.ick about it. But if I didn't care, I'd be like "eh, whatever."
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2006
  9. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    1. You aren't leading her emotions.
    2. You are baffling her with MALE LOGIC
    3. You aren't subcommunicating
    4. You are expecting fairness and reciprocity from your girlfriend. Likely not going to happen.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Yeah, the problem is that you're talking to her in words, but you are giving her the signal of emotion. What were your emotions at the time? She probably thought you were a thoughtless, insensitive, condescending jerk (or whatever, nothing personal!). She doesn't want to know the logic, the truth, the absolute behind what you did or said ... she wanted you to come home and sweep her out of her boring life and do something fun.

    When a relationship downgrades itself to therapy/a day in court/boredom I find that women quickly start to act in ways that baffle most men. The real issue is that you should not have been talking about the subject at hand, or how badly she handled it, but instead said something like "Shit, you've had a bad fucking day. I have too. Let's get the fuck out of this apartment and go play some miniature golf." She'll give you attitude, but just pick her up (you know what I mean) and give her a good shake and say "Hey, babe! I know! Come on, it's not a big deal, pull yourself together and let's go have some fun. We can beat the crap out of each other some other time! :bigthumb: "

    I literally did this last week. Donna was down, whatever. So I called her at around 1:00 and told her I wanted to go see a movie (to give her time to shower and look good to go out.) I told her the movie (James Bond!) and the time (4:40) and to be ready by 4:15. I got home, and she was a little "off" and tried to call it off, but I dragged her along anyway. On the way to my car, I saw a cat run away and it turns out it was her FAVORITE indoor *only* cat who had escaped ... for the first time! We chased him down, got him back in the house, and she was on the verge of crying (this cat is ultra cool, I'd be bummed if he got out, and I *hate* cats! :lol: ) Anyway, we saw the movie and now we joke that James Bond saved her cat. If we hadn't gone out, the cat would have been long gone.

    Overall it was an emotional day for her, but it never was taken out on me. I lead her mood, her emotions, and helped guide her to a good day.

    So next time guide yourself out of the crap. Most arguments are bullshit anyway, she's trying to tell you that you're being too serious (which is a lack of self-control, basically, when you're a serious argumentative type.)

    Bottom line? Lighten up, take control of the situation, and steer yourself away from the negative crap.
     
  11. MP525i

    MP525i New Member

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    i don't mean to hijack the thread but you brought up a point i had a question about.

    my fiancee has many of these days. we're getting married in june and she still lives with her parents. she doesn't want to move in (officially) until we're married. we've spent weekend and stuff together so we're good about living together.

    since she is still living at home, her dad makes life hell for everyone (mom and 2 sisters). he usually goes up to a ranch house they have upstate 1-2 weeks out of the month. but when he's home, this puts my fiancee in a very bad mood.

    when she gets to my place, she is very frustrated, unhappy and drained of all positive energy. after a few moments at my place, she's able to get centered and "normal," again. this recently has taken a toll on me. to the point where his actions are pissing me off.

    should i just suck it up until june (when things will be better) or what?

    again, sorry to hijack. i just didn't think this would be a thread-worthy question.

    thanks!
     
  12. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Cliffs? Yeah, suck it up. Lots of people do that. :)
     
  13. MP525i

    MP525i New Member

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    haha sorry about that.

    cliffs: fiancee's dad makes her life hell. she's always sad when i see her. takes lots of energy to make her happy again. i'm pissed at her dad. can't wait for her to move in.

    thanks! :) haha.
     
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I think Poco was saying that what he was saying was Cliffs. Like, instead of giving you the long answer, he gave you a Cliffs answer.
     
  15. MP525i

    MP525i New Member

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    :rofl:

    year end is making me loose my mind. i apologize.
     
  16. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    :mamoru: Yup, I was trying to avoid the thread hijack.
     

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