Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Perhaps because you think that she might feel the same way, which is the reason you noticed in the first place all those months ago. But then circumstances change and you find yourself thoroughly confused about this someone. You are a good friend to them and you're pretty much always there if they need you - but you don't want to be just a good friend in order to get something more, because you feel like you're manipulating in a completely different way to the "manipulating bastards" of your own gender that you loathe so much. There's no need to feel guilty about that is there? It's not manipulating. You genuinely care about them, and you wish for something more than friendship, because you really do like having them in your life. You spend as much time with them as possible, even though you know you're not going to have a fantastic time...but that's okay, because you're with them and that's all that matters. You'll take any opportunity to be with them, except for during the not-too-distant horrible few weeks where you tried to completely cut contact with them and were all distant, in order to try and get them out of your head all the time. But when you finally realized you were being a idiot about it - cutting contact simply because you can't deal with your feelings - and you get back the friendship you once had, all the feelings come back as well...totally unwarranted, because you aren't sure why you like them...you just do. You like them more than you can ever admit to anyone...and it's scary, because you don't want to. You want to just like them as a friend, but something inside is screaming at you "YOU FUCKING LOVE HER AND YOU KNOW IT!" And even the little things that would normally put you off (the age gap; views that are so very different)...none of that does. Things that would put you off someone else, mean nothing in relation to this girl, because you just want to be with her. You want to brush the hair away from her face; you want to be able to just slide your arm around her waist so she knows she's loved and protected from everything; you want to look into her eyes (for she is the only one who's eyes you can never look directly into, because you're scared of what you'll see in them) and then gently kiss her. And you can't stop yourself loving her. You want to be with her. You get jealous of any other guy that she pays attention to, because you're too afraid of rejection and not sure enough of her feelings about you, to be secure in anything. I don't like it, but I love her. And the crazy thing is I don't want to stop loving her. I want to be with her. I need to be with her. I am so fucking messed up it's almost funny.