SRS When to walk away (article)...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jshively, Dec 25, 2006.

  1. jshively

    jshively Well-Known Member OT Supporter

    Sep 18, 2003
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    Another article I wrote about when to walk away from a relationship. Some points leak over from the previous post of "How to get someone to love you" but you will notice as you read many articles by many different people well that well a lot of the points are very similiar it is just worded differently.

    I was talking to a buddy of mine a couple days ago and for the purpose of this article his name is Rich. Rich was unraveling his latest woman saga and it boils down to this. He goes out with this girl, they have an amazing time, and so they go out again. This proceeds for about a month and she tells him she is not ready for a relationship but would still like to hang out.

    Ok time for homework I want everyone to think about when they have been in this situation what have they done. There are only 2 options available:
    1) Leave and don’t look back
    2) Continue to hang out with her and hope she changes her mind.

    The correct answer is the first option; you leave and don’t look back. See kiddos the “I don’t want a relationship” speech simply means I really do want a relationship it is just not with you.

    What my buddy did was take the second option. He took her offer of friendship and thought by some chance he would be able to win her back. Now I know you are asking why is it wrong to take the second option and hope she turns around. It boils down to simple reasons:
    1) You are giving her exactly what she wants and getting nothing in return. By remaining her friend you are giving her what she appreciates the most and that is the friendship and in return you get nothing. You get no intimacy with her, no feeling of closeness, and no relationship.
    2) By her telling you she does not want a relationship she is free to date whomever she wants. If your feelings are strong for her you will not be able to handle the fact that she is out dating and this will cause insecurity.
    3) It shows her you have no respect for yourself. You are willing to accept a position less than what you deserve and this is not a sexy trait to her. Do you think a lawyer who graduated from Harvard should be working at McDonald’s as a fry cook? He won’t because that position is not utilizing him to his full potential and likewise by being her friend you are not utilizing yourself to your full potential.
    4) You will miss out on some great opportunities because your time and energy will be focused upon trying to win her back. Remember you can’t win someone over the only thing you can do is show them who you are and hope that they accept that.

    Why would you choose option one and start over at square one?
    1) You can start the grieving process. No matter when someone leaves your life there is a period of hurt from losing that person. It maybe simply a quick realization that the person is gone or the grieving process may take months. No matter how long it takes you can not start this process until all communication has been severed with that person.
    2) It shows respect and integrity for who you are. You are not willing to accept a position less than what you deserve similar to our Harvard lawyer not becoming a fry cook but rather handling legal cases for McDonalds.
    3) Gives you the opportunity to find someone who appreciates and values your qualities as opposed to trying to convince someone that you are a good guy by being her friend and hopefully working towards her boyfriend.

    In so many cases and I have seen this in my one experience whether it be a month or six months down the road the lady realizes the opportunity she threw away and wants to come back and try again. I always tell everyone I coach the same thing stand your ground and do not give in. You gave this woman the gift of you and she rejected the gift and likewise eventually she will reject the gift again. The things that drove her to not want a relationship with you in the beginning are going to drive her to not want a relationship with you again and it is just a matter of time before you are faced with the relationship speech again.

    It boils down to basic human psychology we want what we can not have. Tell a child he can not have a piece of candy and guess what the only thing he is going to want is candy. By telling a female you know what I wanted more than just friendship she will want you more because she can not have you.

    It is hard especially if you are not through the grieving phase but you must stand your ground and not give in. A confident and self-assured man will always have his pick of the liter and it is his job to rule out not accepting of his standards. This woman threw the best gift you could ever give her back at you and that in my opinion is one of the ultimate insults.

    Another mistake that I notice so many men make is they will go in grave detail about why the relationship ended. This is not your concern. It does not matter if you were not as attentive on Friday night to her because you had a rough day at work and you should have fully been focused on her.

    In the case of Rich he was concerned about his actions on a Friday night at a bar caused her to leave him. She was over talking to someone and he went up to the front room to get another drink. He sat down at a barstool and waited for service. He got intrigued by some game highlights that were playing on the TV and was sipping his beer for all of five minutes. She found him up at the bar and reprimanded him for not being there and attentive to her needs. Rich ultimately blamed this night for the demise of the relationship and keeps replaying the event in his head trying to figure out why he did it and has apologized for his actions incessantly to her.

    What Rich does not realize is that she had already given up on the relationship and was looking for a reason to get out. To her this was the perfect opportunity for her and she used the excuse of not being attentive to her needs. Would things have been different had he not gone up to the bar and sat at the stool? Probably but all he would have been doing was putting a bandage on a broken arm and eventually she would have found her reason of why this was not working out.

    Your job as a confident and self assured man is not to care what her reason is but rather to shrug it off and move on. Now I am not saying do not think about what happened but rather think about if you did anything that showed a lack of confidence and self-control i.e. calling incessantly with no point just to say hi or obsessing over what she is doing when she is not around. If you can find any negative traits that you did then definitely take the take and work on fixing that trait but do not dwell on what she did or said you did.

    Another question that people I coach ask is how do you know when to leave? If you are asking this question than honestly now is the time to leave. No one ever thinks about getting in a life raft and paddling to shore unless the ship is going down. People are going to come in and out of your life countless amounts of times. Not everyone you talk to on the street becomes a close friend and likewise not everyone you are going to date is going to turn into a relationship. I have seen and experienced it countless times where I have gone on a date with someone thought it was a wonderful time but find out they did not have as great of time or vice-versa. I have learned just to shrug it off and realize there is no chemistry and to find someone I have chemistry with.

    Some signs of that it is time to walk away is:
    1) After a couple of dates and you do not think that this person is going to be someone you could spend time with. It is unfair to both you and her to waste your time on something that will not be there.
    2) If she will only go on dates with you unless certain requirements are met. I went out with a girl once who would only go on a date with me if I took her to a certain expensive restaurant. I laughed and went instead with one of my best friends and yes the food was amazing. These type is typically referred to as “gold diggers”
    3) You feel your core values or standards are being compromised.
    4) She canceled or turned down a date without a counter offer.
    5) She left you sitting at the restaurant all alone and forgot to call.
    6) She does not return your phone calls in a reasonable amount of time.

    In the cases of 4-6 do not give her the satisfaction of a phone call to let her know it is over. She already knows that and that is why she did that to you. The only thing this will do is give her and her girlfriends something to laugh at. Instead shrug it off and move on. However, in the case of 1-3 sit her down and let her know that this is not working out. It is common courtesy and shows integrity and respect on your part.

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