SRS When something goes wrong in a relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by konrad109, Nov 22, 2009.

  1. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    For example, someone is mad at you for whatever reason (you were rude, you left them hanging, you forgot about something important to them, you put them second etc.), what happends? In my family I was taught that you're not supposed to speak to the person for a few days, then you pretend everything is fine untill the other person forgets, or you just never talk to them again or you carry a grudge for a few months.

    Is there a better way to deal with this? Does it matter if the person is family, S.O. or a friend? How do you guys deal with situations in which someone supposedly close to you puts you second or lets you down, and how do you deal with it when you let someone else down? I'm pretty sure I was taught the wrong way to do it.
     
  2. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    Yes, that is most definitely the wrong way to do it. For me... if it was something that left both people involved angry, wait until both people have cooled off & talk about it. This way, you can talk calmly about whatever happens and try to resolve it. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away. Then again, it depends what the 'problem' is, or what exactly went wrong. I don't think there is a general rule for ANY situation, it's really depends.
     
  3. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    You talk about it.
     
  4. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    How do you talk about it? How do you initiate in a way that actually solves the problem? For me, talking it out turns into people blaming each other, saying everything is okay but their body language remains cold, or simply denying anything is wrong.

    Lets say you relied on someone to do something important for you. They agreed to do it but they didn't come through because they either forgot and made other plans or simply dismissed it. What if the situation was flipped and they relied on you and you failed them? How would you initiate a conversation to "solve" this problem?
     
  5. point_and_shoot

    point_and_shoot New Member

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    I would say talk about it ASAP. And tell them how they made you feel, don't use the blame game. For example:

    "my perception is that you always do ________" or "I feel like you never______"

    INSTEAD OF: "you always _________"! or "you _________"!

    do all of this in a very calm and slowly spoken way. Raising your voice and blurting everything out will likely result in epic fail.
     
  6. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    Sorry to say, your family's method sucks, that's a good way to mess up a relationship.

    Assuming you're a guy, don't try to immediately "fix" it. Give a hug, say you're sorry. While the tempers are high, don't talk about it, just swallow your pride, apologize, and do what you can to calm her down.

    Then bring it up later when you're both calm, but approach it in a calm way. Don't turn the blame over to her (even if it is her fault, that won't accomplish anything). If she raises her voice, do not raise yours, do not get defensive, do not bring up past transgressions or any other problems that have been bothering either of you, and do not "leave her alone for a few days".

    If she blames you anyways, ask what you could do differently next time, and fucking DO IT. Sometimes there's something you're doing that you just don't realize, or all you'd have to do is do it differently, it may make no difference to you but make all the difference to her. I've heard "All you had to do was say you were sorry, but you gave me some bullshit excuse instead" and "When I'm angry I just want you to hug me." But you won't know unless you talk about it.

    Talking about a problem is really, really fucking difficult sometimes. You know you're walking into a shitstorm, but put your raincoat on and do it. The result will be great, it will improve communication in your relationship, and you will both learn how to handle similar situations in the future. And don't make the same fuck up twice.
     
  7. Saluki

    Saluki New Member

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    Wirelessly posted via wap.offtopic.com (Opera/9.80 (J2ME/MIDP; Opera Mini/5.0.15655/1006; U; en) Presto/2.2.0)

    When a friend of mine puts me 2nd, blows me off, etc I usually call them out on it. If they really are my friend they are cool with me doing that or will tell me why it happened. Ignoring it never really works out for me...
     
  8. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Try to leave "always" out of it. "I feel that you _____", "My perception of your _____" are better ways to put it because you're not exaggerating something.

    But yes, it's absolutely awful to just "not talk about it". You calmly state how the issue is making you feel, and listen when the other person does the same. Then you talk about compromises or solutions. Read some books on conflict resolution. Knowing how to resolve an issue instead of walking away will greatly increase your success in relationships and even the business world.
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I hate people who pretend like it never happened. Both people KNOW it happened.

    You talk abotu it.
    "hey, the other day when I _______ I am really sorry. I know I promised you and while something came up it's no excuse and I just want you to know that I feel horrible."
    "The other day when I ________, I actually did it because _______. It doesn't excuse it, but i thought I would let you know so you might understand me a bit more."

    Its not difficult. It's not hard. it's just that people create the what ifs in their head and they are always catastrophic
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Generally "I'm sorry" works, and then proceeding to not do it again is useful. When someone else does it to me, I tell them how I feel. If they deny it happened or won't talk about it, I definitely don't like it. If they don't apologize, it's like a slap in the face. These ways of behaving alienate people -- especially someone like me. I have a "very" easy to discarding people who don't treat me the way I like to be treated.

    I would say there can be difference. It depends on the depth of the relationship and how often the behavior happens. Family are generally more difficult to abandon than a friend. Relationships can often trump family -- especially if the family is giving ultimatums about one person seeing someone in their family. These types of diagreements almost always end in disaster and unhappiness for everyone on both sides.

    If it's someone really close to me, I tell them how I feel and I'm pretty direct about it. I try to use tact, but generally I can be pretty blunt. Those who are compatible with me tend to be more forgiving. Family is a whole other ballgame for me. I have to often put aside my compatibility with the people in-favor of just trying to be peaceful. In other words, I don't like some people in my family, but I love them because they are a blood relative who I was raised with or raised by. Those types of relationships that start from birth are much more complex. I'm sure many can relate to that.

    I try to be more forgiving and hold my tongue in my family than I do with friends or my girlfriend. I don't talk often with the people in my family who I don't have things in common with, but I try to call once every month or every other.

    Being honest with yourself about what you can and can't tolerate helps you to be sure of which people should and shouldn't be kept in your life.
     

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