When one half makes more effort materialistically

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by MissKitty, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Those in couples, do you both do birthdays, anniversaries, xmas?
    Does one do more than the other? Is it a problem?

    We are coming up on our second wedding anniversary and I have arranged flowers to be delivered to his work (6 yellow flowers to represent the years we have been together as friends & two red roses to represent the years of marriage, totally 8 years all up) and organising a special shirt for him (2nd anniversary is cotton). There are several weeks to go but my husband has said he hasn't got me anything and he won't - he just doesn't have time. :squint:

    He doesn't buy me xmas presents (or anyone for that matter) and he doesn't buy anniversary gifts. He does however go on and on about how he would but it's just too hard.

    When we first started dating he put in the effort but once he knew i was his he gave up. :squint:

    I keep thinking maybe one day he will surprise me, but I have yet to have him do anything :rofl: I put effort in because I want to. Because I love him and I want to make him feel special by arranging special treats - not because I want him to do it for me. I haven't been totally disappointed yet, I have come to accept it. :mamoru:

    What happens in your relationship?
     
  2. VA197

    VA197 New Member

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    Honey, you need to have a talk with him. This is not about being materialistic, because he could probably buy you something small and inexpensive as long as it was thoughtful and it would make you happy, this is about him investing time and effort into the relationship.

    You are bothered by this, so you really need to sit him down and calmly tell him how this makes you feel. By your just 'accepting' his behavior, you are shorting yourself of having him do the things he used to do that made you feel good. We all get lazy after a time, and sometimes we forget, but it sounds like you have let things with him slide, and let him made excuses for not treating you the way you deserve for way too long.

    I'm not a fan of throwing big fits, or nagging. I don't like big conflicts or arguments in my relationship. I prefer to sit down with my boyfriend and talk things out, because it seems that he 'gets it' much better when we do that. But there have been a couple of issues that have gotten us pretty heated up where we 'popped off'. That got the point across as well!!!

    I suggest you have a serious talk with him about his ignoring special occasions, and remembering you with gifts and things. You need to explain yourself in a way he can understand, and if he doesn't want to acknowledge your need for these things, then you need to decide how you want to deal with that. I can't tell you how to handle that, but personally, I'd be hurt and angry that the man I love couldn't take time out of his evening or weekend to go find me a card and a nice gift for a special occasion. I spend a lot of time, much as you do, finding the perfect gifts for my boyfriend, and my boyfriend is really into spoiling me with different gifts...I have really no complaints at all in that department.

    But I have had boyfriends who were like your husband. They started out remembering all the occasions, flowers for no reason, paying me attention, little trinkets here and there, and I did the same for them. Then it quit. To be honest, the relationship ended pretty soon after, because it was like they weren't thinking about me anymore enough to do those little things, so really, why bother? It carried over to when we were together, too. Not as much attention, no sweet nothings, things got boring.

    You probably want to address this now, before you get any more hurt and upset. You deserve to be pampered, not just do all the pampering!!!
     
  3. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    You should tell him you're not buying him anything, and then if he doesn't change his tune, start buying yourself shit :p
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Ok, just as an FYI, this really isn't a good gift for a guy. Oh it's a great idea in theory, and women would love it, but us guys are going to see flowers and usually be like "Yeah, whatever" and then forget about them like IMMEDIATELY after receiving them and after all our friends have sufficiently made fun of us until the point it's not funny to them anymore.

    Just thought I would clue you into that. I know you MEAN well with that one, but if he doesn't respond to it like you would, don't be upset because, well, most of us guys could give two shits less about flowers.

    The shirt idea sounded pretty cool though.

    And like I keep telling you, it really sounds like you guys aren't that into each other. :dunno:
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    . All around
     
  6. Mitchj

    Mitchj OT Supporter

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    i was thinking this but didnt want to say :o
     
  7. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    If my husband would get absolutely nothing from it, I wouldn't bother. He is sensitive and appreciates girly things :mamoru: I know my husband very well, hence why he is my husband.

    I love my husband, stop trying to steal me from him Viper :rofl:
     
  8. Mitchj

    Mitchj OT Supporter

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    :bowdown:
     
  9. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Mah nga Viper nailed it :h5:
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    So wait... this dude never buys presents - ever - because it's "too hard"? And you still get him shit?

    I do believe you are a sugar momma.
     
  11. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    You obviously know your guy better then us, but if getting gifts for people is "to hard" for him, then I don't think he's as sensitive as you claim.

    Plus if this is how your husband is I'm surprised you went off on me when I said that Valentines day is commercialized BS, or maybe that is why you went off when I said that...

     
  12. The Great Deceiver

    The Great Deceiver 21st Century Schizoid Man

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    As a man I would be happier receiving a mechanical device of some sort, or like a Nazi coin or something badass in general. I mean cmon, flowers to a man? I'm sorry but that's not a present to a man, that's a present to yourself.
     
  13. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Shit, I wish I'd get flowers just once from a chick. I mean sure there are way more practical gifts, but there's just something inherently sweet and romantic about flowers. Girls get flowers all the damned time and yet guys don't? Doesn't seem fair. I'd gladly accept some flowers. :bowdown:
     
  14. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    I'd rather have a sandwich.
     
  15. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    we always reciprocate in my relationship, and for mutual holidays (like xmas) we'll decide ahead of time how much we're gonna spend. our birthdays are at opposite times, i just had mine a couple weeks ago, and i told him i spent about $100 on his birthday present, so that's how much he spent on me :dunno: it's worked out so far.
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    In my relationships it has always been relative to how much we can afford. The more money I make, the more I have spent on my gfs. Likewise if they're unable to afford much then I don't expect much in return. However, if they make as much as me and yet give me a fraction of what I give them, then we have a problem. Of course things that require thought and effort count too.
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I like flowers from a girl if I'm in love with the girl.
     
  18. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    viper got it right. sounds like he's got his stability in his wife and thats exactly what he needs. he'll probably bitch at you about the flowers... actually he definitely will. the fuck is a man supposed to do with flowers.
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    have you heard of the 5 love languages? i read about them in a book a few months back, and it was very interesting to me. my husband and i each have different love languages (which is common) and since discovering what each of ours is, its been unbelievably easy to be loved and to love back

    an easy way to discover what your love language is is to figure out how you tend to "love" your partner. i would guess that you are of the "gifts" love language (not saying you are materialistic) but you would feel very loved if he sent you flowers and made you a shirt for your anniversary, and so thats what you are doing for him. try googling it and seeing what you each are

    mine is acts of service, so if my husband wants to make my day, he takes out the trash or does the dishes. his is words of encouragement, so i am sure to tell him thank you and how much i appreciate him all the time. i used to clean his room or do his laundry and never understood why he wasnt as excited about that as i would have been. i was doing something i thought was showing him my love, but it wasnt his love language, so it wasnt a big deal to him
     
  20. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Is there a sex love? That's the one I am.
     
  21. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    this is really interesting actually. i mean, i don't think either of us have doubts that we love each other, but we definitely respond differently to these things. i must be service too, because i would be psyched if he cleaned the apartment for me as a surprise, but when i clean up i don't think he even notices :rofl::o
     
  22. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    This kinda, I'm not even a guy and I would rather have something other than flowers. They die and you can't do much with them.

    If I were making him something I would make cupcakes and color the frosting differently to represent the years. Much more enjoyable than flowers.

    And even though he is sensitive, that doesn't mean he likes girly things. :dunno:
     
  23. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I thought you make all these posts about how "perfect" you and your husband are, and are for each other.

    This is a failpost.

    I tell my gf NOT to get me stuff and she still does.

    btw, it takes 5 minutes to order flowers online. It takes about that much time to order something on amazon. The internet has made it possible for lazy people to shop. Is your husband an investment banker who is working 100 hour weeks? I don't think so. Therefore, he probably actually DOES have time to order you something if he wanted to.

    Can you give me Cliffs Notes on that book? Like what the 5 types are? I keep hearing about it but don't have time to read it (although I do have time to order presents for my gf).


    -----------------HERE IS THE DIVIDING LINE WHERE IWYWB MERGED MY POSTS TOGETHER-----------------

    (It made it seem like continuity where there shouldn't be continuity)


    Yo MK I know I have mentioned a few times that you are wife material, but I do feel that you may be being taken advantage of.

    You and RadFad could make good case studies on "why treating a woman less than ideally and always leaving her wanting more will keep her with you forever."

    :noes: :noes: :noes: I just went there :noes: :noes: :noes:

    IBmisskitty comes in and justifies her marriage
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
  24. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    haha there is! edit: #5

    The first love language listed is words of affirmation. The language we hear, be it positive affirming words or negative language and feedback, drastically effects our developing personalities and therefore our behaviors.


    The second love language listed is gifts: "A gift is a tangible object that says, 'I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you.' . . . A gift by its very nature is not payment for services rendered. When a dating partner says, 'I will give you . . if you will . .' the partner is not offering a gift, nor is he expressing love. The person is simply striking a deal."


    The third love language the book lists is acts of service. For instance, "I know he loves me because he always checks my car over before I leave on a business trip. He checks the oil, the tires, and makes sure I have windshield washer fluid, etc."


    The next love language is quality time. This love language is about the experiences we share with our loved ones. How do you spend your time together? Quality time does not involve you in one room surfing the internet while he is in the other room watching ESPN!



    document.getElementById('adsense_placeholder_2').innerHTML = document.getElementById('adsense_ad_2_hidden').innerHTML;
    The final love language is physical touch. The book states, "Numerous research projects in the area of child development have come to the same conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and touched tenderly develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. . ."Almost instinctively in a time of crisis we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love."

    The above taken from http://dating.suite101.com/article.cfm/what_are_the_five_love_languages_

    i havent read the actual book either, just a summary of the 5 similar to the above
     
  25. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    No shit? Damn. I've had that book for years. I guess I should read it.
     

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