What's the point?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by radfad88, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    ...of having a 'relationship' if you're not in the position to get married or even THINK about getting married in the near future (5+ years)? When you find someone that you really like or have strong feelings for, there's all this pressure to commit and start a serious relationship... but for what?

    I'm 21, still in school, military, etc. I have big plans to travel (and most likely deploy) when I finish school and I certainly don't plan to live in my hometown the rest of my life... so my thoughts are what's the point?

    I see all of these people around me (myself included) put themselves through ridiculous shit because of some relationship they're in, only for it to end, in tears, when you have to part ways.

    So why do we do this to ourselves? Are we so blind that we don't see the obvious end in sight? Or is it just easier to have sex on a regular basis with the same person, and somehow justify it by dealing with all the other attachments a relationship brings (sacrificing time, money, other dating opportunities, etc.)

    Any thoughts?
     
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Because sex is awesome and being alone is lonely.

    I agree with you though. That's why I have no intention of dating for the next year and a half before I move.

    That said, if someone amazing comes along and manages to sweep me off my feet, I'm still going to give it a shot. You never know. :dunno:
     
  3. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    let me add: to me, having a 'relationship' with someone is sort of a step toward finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you know that your future is so uncertain, why would you jump into some big complicated relationship? It seems like a lot of time and effort wasted on something that will eventually dissolve.
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    The future is always uncertain. Relationships always run the risk of failure. The payout is worth the risk to most people though.
     
  5. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    To learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in a life-long relationship.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    That's why I'm a firm advocate of casual dating :dunno:
     
  7. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    So another words, why get into a relationship/situation if you truly dont know what you want in life? Or where you're going?

    I think I always look at it as, 'What do you want out of this relationship'? What do you go into a relationship looking for? Im 23... if I were to get into a relationship now I wouldnt be looking for a girl I wanted to marry, but maybe someone I can enjoy my time with. Someone who can share experiences with me that i've never had, someone who will enjoy and appreciate the fact that I want to share my life with someone. And hopefully the feeling will be mutual, I want to be happy that someone wants to share THEIR life with me.


    I guess 'what the point is', is that relationships are WHAT YOU MAKE THEM. If you get into a relationship and are thinking of it as 'the one', then so be it, treat it that way. But if you're 21, would rather have 'someone' there with you, someone to laugh with, someone to hold, someone to enjoy share those memories with, then it could be worth it.


    Now if you keep 'Well, wtf, i dont plan on getting married anytime soon' in the back of your head the whole time... well, your assing yourself out :o
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    this.
     
  9. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    While I agree with you in a lot of ways, I'm sorta in a similar place as radfad atm just because of all the shit I've been through this year, much of which the Vag doesn't even know about :hs:

    Ultimately, at least right now in my life, I'd rather be single and avoid all the pain and complications of attachment and enjoy the freedom of singledom which is awesome than get into a relationship if I wasn't damn sure it had serious potential.

    Even the most 'casual' of relationships, if you stay with the person for a long time, and you eventually have to part ways can be pretty soul-crushing. Or, you can date them for a little bit then end it before you get *super* attached, but then you run the potential of hurting them a lot, which I wouldn't want to do.

    cliffs: I'm not at a place in my life right now I can knowingly put myself through another heartbreak atm due to attachment. My heart will bounce back completely eventually. Granted, all relationships are a huge risk of it never working out regardless, some are just about having a companion and never meant to go anywhere... but in that case, I'd rather be single until I'm at a place in my life I can give something a real shot or had epic faith that something was way too good to pass up/had potential to work out. That's not always reflective of my dating views, but that's where I'm at right now :dunno:

    I recently saw WA DC boy and it totally just cemented that sentiment for me :hsd:
     
  10. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    My issue is, and maybe i'm not alone here... when I get into a relationship with someone I tend to overextend myself because of how much I care about the person. By doing this I get super attached and emotionally involved, and when things go wrong, or things end, it takes a lot out of me. My thoughts now are why do I do this to myself when it's likely none of these relationships will be forever-lasting due to circumstance. It seems like, at this age, if you want to make something really work someone has to make huge sacrifices or things are going to fall apart when you eventually move in different directions.


    I have an example of a couple of my friends from high school. They started dating in college (they're a few years older than me), and within 2 years they were living 6 states away from each other. Now, they've invested two years into this person that they obviously care a lot about... so they try to make it work. They're still together but in the summer he's moving to a new job where he'll be out of the country half the time, and when he is in the states he'll be living far from her because she'll be in grad school. They're "trying to make it work" but what was once a really good, stable relationship is now obviously on the rocks.

    To me both of these people would have been better off to date casually and not get all intertwined in each others lives/feelings until they figured out "oh shit, we're not even going to ever see each other again in two years". The only real way I see this working is for one of them to give up some of their goals to be with the other person.
     
  11. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :hug: :hs:

    Your situation makes sense though, and its where/why i've been single for almost 18 months :o. Im JUST NOW starting to 'want' that relationship/other person again in my life and its weird, and I almost dont know how to take it. :hsd:

    Why put into something if its not worth it?


    Again, same situation. When im in a relationship, im IN the relationship. Essentially that ALWAYS leads into being extremely attached to the relationship itself. Ive realized its not so hard for me to 'walk away' from the person, but rather its harder to walk away from the the memories and 'togetherness' i once had with someone.
     
  12. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I see this more as an argument against casual dating than for it. I mean you're essentially saying 'why get involved with someone if odds are it won't work out?' To which, I agree. You should only get involved with someone you actually see things working out with long term. Otherwise you're wasting your time and energy.
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That's not a bad thing.

    If you met the right person, would you change your circumstances, then, in order to keep the relationship?

    Or would you be like "hey Mr. Perfect Dude, I'm moving tomorrow cuz staying here with you doesn't fit into my life plan. Bye."?

    Well, you are only 21. But lots of people meet the love of their life at 21. You never know.

    Just don't ever invest more into a person than they are willing to invest into you. If they're not willing to pack up and move across country for you, then you shouldn't be willing to do that for them, either.

    Sounds like they weren't really that into each other.

    Would you move 6 states away from your soulmate? Would you take a job where you have to leave the country if you were dating your soulmate?

    Exactly.

    Yeah, they should find other people that they are more "into."

    The only way they'll stay together is if neither of them finds someone else they like better in their respective countries/states.
     
  14. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    I think if I was one of those people that 'needed' to be in a relationship or have attachment of sorts I may be singing a different tune. However, I'm totally content/happy being single. I love being single in a lot of ways, and I also love being in a committed LTR. I can be completely happy with either. So therefore, I'm sorta at a "why bother?" place in my life right now. Unless I was damn sure. But if if there was some fatal flaw that would be a dealbreaker in the end that I saw from the beginning, there's no way right now I'd get into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. No way.
     
  15. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    This is probably my biggest issue. My last serious relationship (which to be honest was really my only serious relationship) eventually ended for this reason. I was so invested in him that I would have really done anything to make us work, but he wasn't and it took me a long time to see that the scale wasn't balanced. I guess after that I got really shut off to the idea of putting myself out there again like that because I don't want to make a huge mistake (like a lot of people do, especially girls) of sacrificing big things for the man I love/am in a relationship with, only to realize later that they wouldn't do the same for me. I think you should only make those sacrifices if you're married or you're both willing and wanting to get married. Otherwise what's the point?


    An older woman, one of my mom's friends actually, gave me this advice recently. She said if you love someone and you find yourself in a spot where you have to give up a piece of your life for them, then do it if it feels right. But only once. She said the next time your paths split, if he doesn't follow you like you did for him, then leave and don't look back because you gave it the best shot you could. This advice was actually completely unprompted by me. I think she was just speaking from experience and wanted to pass along some wisdom to a confused 20something. lol.
     
  16. C.W.

    C.W. OT Supporter

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    I'm 24 and have been with my gf for almost 4yrs now and I dont plan to marry her.

    Why am I with her? I like her alot and care for her. I just dont see the point in being married. What changes? I also dont want to have kids with her. I told her this upfront and I think she believes im going to change my mind but 4yrs later I still feel the same way. We dont live together or share anything like financials so if we do split up its not as difficult as a marriage.

    Oh, we dont live together either.
     
  17. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    lol wut?
     
  18. C.W.

    C.W. OT Supporter

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    :o I didnt see that I already noted that.
     
  19. Helios

    Helios New Member

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    I'll never understand people who take every relationship super-super seriously.


    and holy shit, you're only 21, pump the brakes a little and just have some fun :ugh:

    casual relationships >> casual dating
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Agreed :dunno:

    Ignore the pressure and just enjoy each other instead of Going Serious.

    By the way, I think the word "serious" is quite, quite fitting:

    "Why aren't you two smiling?"
    "Because we're serious."

    That probably isn't what they mean by "getting serious" ... but it should be :p
     
  21. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    But emotions aren't so easily controlled. They're crazy things. It's not like I wanted to begin to fall madly in love with someone that was leaving in a few months and our relationship would end, proving to be harder on both of us than either of us ever realized when we entered it with a "casual" mindset and it to be a "casual" relationship. Shit happens.

    Or fall in love with someone and give myself for 2.5 years for them to leave. And it end. At the point it ended I would've done just about anything to make it work, but couldn't take the imbalance anymore. Ironically he wants me back, but I'm done.

    I'd rather avoid it all and not take that risk of being unable to tell my emotions what to do at this point in my life. Which is odd. Because usually I can. That was a bit of reckless abandonment I typically have never allowed myself since my first love.

    At least as of right now, I can't emotionally or rationally put myself through another KNOWN 'expiration date' relationship. I.e., if the relationship is going to end, and I know it from day one, I'd rather be single.

    :dunno:
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  22. ~Sin~

    ~Sin~ New Member

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    Exactly! You're young still, you should be having fun. If you meet someone you really like and date that person then you either decide to go further with it and take that chance or you don't. If you're going to do alot of traveling and aren't ready to settle down then just date.
     
  23. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm not talking about having emotions, I'm talking about Getting Serious. I'm talking about entering a conventional relationship because you for some reason think that's the ideal next step when you start feeling things. Do have emotions, don't Get Serious.

    Perhaps you are conflating the two. Falling in love is an awesome feeling. The original poster is bumping heads with the DISTINCTION between falling in love and this whole Getting Serious business.

    There is that distinction, even though relationship traditionalists sometimes fail to distinguish between the two things (not saying you're a relationship traditionalist, just that they are usually the guilty parties).

    The idea is that, now that you guys are into each other, you need to protect your intense feelings by making a bunch of commitments.

    I had the same idea once. But people feel what they feel. You can't control it just because you said, "Let's continue feeling this way!!!1"

    Don't Get Serious just because you're in love.

    Instead... just be in love! It won't kill you to just ... see what happens. Go with the flow / make a mess, and all that jazz.

    It is as if I said, "Don't get married. Just have sex!" And you responded with, "But what about sex? Sometimes people want to have sex." Yeah... so have sex. And don't get married. I'm not the one saying the former requires the latter.

    Equivalently, fall in love and don't Get Serious.

    The Original Poster knows what phe means by "serious," and it's not the same thing as simply having strong feelings. Note that he (she?) says in the very beginning of the post, "When you find someone you really like or have strong feelings for..."
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  24. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    maybe it is done unknowingly at that time, and in the end it may cost tears and hopefully a lesson learned. I have heard people talk about how life is a lesson to be learned. We all have lessons to learn, and until we actually mess up or have to be put to tears will we see it for ourselves. How many times has someone spoken from experience and you just snub it off? Then when it happens to you, do you say "damn that person was so right"

    It happens to us all. As a kid I was told not to stick my finger in an empty light socket, but it was not until i actually stuck my finger in and got shocked that I realized it was a no no to stick my finger in the empty socket. Apply your older acquaintance's advice to here, or any for that matter, the theme is the same. I once heard somewhere something along these lines....

    "Dumb people make the same mistake 10 times over or more and never learn from the mistake. Smart people make the mistake once or twice and learn from it, and Wise people never once make the mistake, instead they learn from seeing others make the mistake."

    it is hard to be wise in all we do, and some people are wiser than others for some reason
     
  25. giz

    giz Active Member

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    you can't do everything you want in life and then sit back and say "I'm gonna get married"

    you'll die before that ever happens
     

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