SRS What's the chances of some day getting my ex back?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Jeff Merr, Nov 15, 2006.

  1. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    What's the chances of some day getting my ex back? v. 4yr relationship

    We just broke up last week, we had been together for 4 years, had lots of good times, some bad times. She broke up with me because she says she has a lot of personal issues to deal with, she started seeing a counselor and i think this is where this all sparked from, she was adopted and had some emotional issues, but i was always willing to work with her, but now her view is that she needs to be alone and deal with some things. I respected her dicision, the hardest thing to hear was that she told me she wouldn't be jelious if i dated around, which in turn meant that she wants to be free to date other people, this tears me apart, just the thought of her being with another guy makes my stomach cringe. I'm a pretty chill guy and have been giving her her space, i moved out etc.

    Talking last night, she told me she wanted to remain friends, we have a similar upbrining and both have some issues that only we understand about each other. My problem is I CANT get over her, i would do anything to go back and try to change her mind about this whole thing. So i guess my main question is, what is the chances of some day winning her back? I have been pretty miserable lately, i go over to her house every 2-3 days because we have a dog together which i love, and we talk for hours and hours, but she keeps her distance, which i can understand. anyways, before i start rambling, what is your guys opinion?
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2006
  2. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    She just texted me and asked me if she could borrow my vaccume, and if i wanted to go to the store with her. This is what is tearing me up

    It seems like she can't break off from me, yet when i go over to her house, she talks about dating other people and shit, i go home at night and can't sleep, i'm averaging like 4 hours of sleep, doing terrible in school all of a sudden, late for work twice in the past week, wtf.
     
  3. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    I'm in the same situation.. I would love nothing more than to have my ex back. I'm still completely in love with her, but I've had some time to think about it and I know that it is certainly not a realistic expectation for that to ever happen. If she wants to date around (both your ex and mine), there are too many guys out there for her not to find one that works. I don't want to crush your hopes and dreams, because I would be crushing mine too, but logically I know that it will never happen. We have to move on and heal, because that is the only way it will ever work in the future if it comes to that. As my ex said herself, "if it is meant to work, it will." So live your life now, because it's also what I need to do! :hs: My advice to you as much as myself...

    Edit: Step 1) She may want to be friends and what not, but you're going to need to break off all contact with her if you can. I know that dog complicates things... but it's the first step in fully healing.
     
  4. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    The problem with this is that we have no one else, we moved to this new town for my schooling, i have 0 friends here, she has 0 friends here, i feel worse sitting in my room pondering on things than i do hanging out with her talking about old times. I told her from the beginning that i don't know if i could handle being friends, it's a big step backwards, but once we split we were both so fucking lonely, i missed her and my dog, so now we conversate. What scares me is i know the day will come when she tells me she is starting to date someone else, i don't know how i will react.
     
  5. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    You need to go out and make some friends, because they're the only thing that will help you through this. My friends have been amazing, although I'm a military college and I have too much free time and that leads to me thinking about depressing things. Get out of your room and do activities, even if its not with other people. It's important.. hit the gym.

    Like I said before though, contact has to be broken or it's only going to get worse. I know :hs:
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I think you made the right decision. However what you have to learn is that sometimes when making choices no matter what options there are available pain will be inflicted on you, it resembles like big fires around you, and you have to run thru the blaze to get out, then its only a matter of choosing the smallest of the biger fires, but you are sure to get burned.

    And that's basically what's happening right here, you already made the decision ,runned thru the fire and are now feeling the pain of being burned.

    You need to let her have the professional help that she desires, because sometimes loving someone means letting them go.

    From here there's 2 things. 1. I love her and want to be with her forever. 2. I despise her and want to move on. Usually i give the advice NEVER WAIT in your life, move on and date other people, while she gets help get dating experience and don't put your life on a halt. I think that that would be a good decision, however if your mind is set on her and her only, i think its the best thing to support her from the side-lines, and take her back when she is ready for it.

    In an emotionally turmoil, you have to understand that she is hurting and pushes away anything and everyone that she thinks is hurting her. Its like a fishing game you need patience until the fish is ready to bite again. Its for you to decide if this fish is worth of the wait.

    Personally if your head over heels id say wait it out, if its only so so then get back into the dating world again. You can choose either of these things now or in a convienant time in the future, you have to aknowledge the possibility of her maby not taking you back in this decision.
     
  7. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Good advice Darketernal.

    I feel like she told me to date other people to cover up the fact that she still cares about me. I feel like if i go off and date other people and tell her, she will figure that i couldn't wait, and she can never get me back. And honestly, i have had no urge or interests in women since our breakup, i don't even wack off anymore, it's weird. I think that the counseling is helping her, she definetly handles stress better at work and stuff, but i feel like the counselor is alienating me. I always tried to be there for her, but i'm no counselor, and some things i just can't coach her through. when i say we went through some stuff - i mean we really went through some stuff, we have some crazy memories that i would never have had with anyone else. I have spent so much time in this 4yr relationship, i would like to wait for her, but only if i was 100% sure that one day i would have her back, and that is something that no one, maybe not even her, can garauntee.
     
  8. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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  9. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    I'll tell you some things from my recent experiences because my gf of 7 years recently left me. In regards to your original topic question, it is simply impossible to answer that. You do not know what destiny holds for you two. Anything can happen at any time that may stir that connection of love back between you two. I would always ask my friends that question every day for many weeks just to ease my mind, but no one truly knows what will happen. We broke up some time during our 4th year as well, and she came back 3 months later; I never thought I'd get her back either. This recent breakup though is definitely long term, if not, forever.

    You are handling things very well it seems as far as giving her space... much better than I handled it. I naturally made mistakes since it was really my first real relationship. I know how bad it hurts to think of her with another guy; believe me it's the worst feeling. Only time will heal that; also if you start dating that will heal it faster. I know you just want to be with her, but you have to move on for now and see what happens. That is the best thing to do. I would not be friends either but that's just my opinion; my situation is a little different. But I think it would only hurt you to stay friends. Be more concerned about yourself and cut her off so you can immediately begin healing. Hard to do but you will not regret it. Just from my experiences, if you do this I think she will come back around. Allow her to see how it is to truly be without you; if she doesn't come back around then it really wasn't meant to be. Just take it as experience and move on. heh, I have to say my ex truly made a man out of me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2006
  10. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    So after weeks of pain and suffering, and 100's of people telling me that keeping contact and answering her calls is only making my life worse, i finally decided to end it. I just got back from her house, "our" dog had surgery so i wanted to make sure the dog was doing fine, also had to grab my vaccume. So this is it, i will no longer answer her calls/texts...hard times are ahead.
     
  11. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    yes, the next few weeks will be tough. some days youll think of her, and on days when youre REALLY lonely it will be hard. but (as cliche as it sounds) things will get easier. you will move on.
     
  12. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    Believe me; you've made a good choice. She may come back; she may not. Do not dwell on that though. Instead, go out with friends, talk to girls like I'm about to right now. Me and you have similar scenarios but we'll pull through this and find better :hug:

    As said, you may feel hurt like everything just happened yesterday but you'll have to pull through it; you cut her off so you can get over everything faster. If you two don't get back together, talking to her down the road when you're over her is up to you. Personally, though I wouldn't bother.
     
  13. GPLegend

    GPLegend New Member

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    The first couple of weeks will be hard. Getting used to sleeping alone can be difficult. Dragging out the relationship by hanging out will just hurt you more, especially when she starts talking about other guys.
    Cutting off all contact is probably the best thing to do. You will feel better sooner.
     
  14. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    If you think there's a future here, don't forgo communicating to her how you feel...why you're doing what you're doing.

    She loves you. She'll understand if you communicate.
     
  15. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    I tried doing this over a drink about a week ago, she started crying and stuff and i broke and ended up telling her i will try to be friends. Since then it has been hell, i have had the most fucked up past 2 weeks in my life, i was planning on writing her a letter explaining why i will no longer be answering her calls or contacting her, but i decided it's better to just pull the plug and go out like a man.


    UPDATE: today she texted me twice, called me once. She was saying something about she needed help putting the cone on "our" dog(from surgery)and seeing if i can stop by after work...I almost texted her back, but i held out, got a weird feeling in my stomach when i just turned my cell phone off and ignored it.
     
  16. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    no matter what it is, you really do need to ignore her man. i know its hard but you will be better off in the long run. i think she'll come back if u leave her alone for now it seems; i dunno, just my opinion
     
  17. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    I understand. It's tough to hold your ground in a situation like this.

    When actually communicating something is going to hurt the other person more it's ok to hold back. At the same time, I find it helps me to get the words out of my brain and onto virtual paper somewhere.

    Write the letter, just don't send it.
     
  18. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Update:

    So she called me today, left a voicemail, she sounded depressed or like she does when she has been crying, which no doubt i'm sure she has. She asked me to call her back. I still have made 0 contact since last week. Honestly life has gotten a lot better, i am catching back up on all of my school work and getting back to where i was, appetite is 100%. If she broke down and asked me today if we could get back together, i honestly think that i would say no, i feel like i have moved on, im 23, graduating from college in 1.5 years, i have a lot of big decisions to make for myself concerning a career, and the last thing i need is some chick bringing me down. :)
     
  19. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    Bro I'm very happy for you. You definitely handled it better than me, but then again I wasn't smart enough to come to Asylumn for advice :o I handled it the hard and stupid way but we live and learn. I expected you to be down for a while but I am glad you are back up on your feet and realizing that you have a good life ahead. Me and you went through the exact same thing. I'm 23 and just finished college and getting my career going too. We got too much to look forward to for girls to bring us down. Glad me and you got our confidence back up. As for getting back with her, that's really up to you. If you do plan on it, there's no need to rush it. And if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Keep me updated here or on AIM
     
  20. Jeff Merr

    Jeff Merr Elite Member

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    Well, i definetly wouldn't say that i am not down anymore, i still think about it a lot. When i see couples kissing and shit i still get some weird thoughts, and no doubt i miss her and our dog. But these last few days have really opened my eyes up on what's important in my life. Being single is pretty lonely, especially when you have been in a relationship for 4 years, not to mention wacking it hasn't really been satisfying for me. But the main thing that i realized after talking to you and tons of friends, is that there are way more important things to worry about at this point in my life, and it's NOT worth stressing over.

    The only thing i am kind of worried about is when she shows up at my doorstep or work or something, i really wouldn't want to see her at all, being that it may bring back some emotions, i would think that she would want an explanation....i guess i will worry about it when the time comes.
     
  21. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    The reality is that you have made the best decision you could ever make. Yes, she was dragging you down, and it will continue if you come back. Her telling you that she needed space was a red flag. My SO has some real serious issues, but the last thing she would do would be to ask me to leave because she knows I would move on as well.

    Go out with friends, get it put to rest, and do continue to grow and learn from your past. :bigthumb:
     
  22. johan

    johan Active Member

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    The fact that you have no one else is not a reason to stay together. It means you've neglected developing a healthy social network.

    She seems to want to expand herself and wants out of the relationship. Maybe it would be wise for you to step back, put your urgent personal needs on hold for a sec, and evaluate your life.

    You might find that she is on the right track. And honestly, you don't really have a choice here; she has requested a separation/termination.

    It'd help you if you got with that reality sooner rather than later.
     
  23. Yardsale

    Yardsale OT Supporter

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    You will love again :hug:
     
  24. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    My chick left me and after 3 months I still watned to be with her. So I got in contact with her again and it only made things worse. If you decide never to talk to her again, it means never.
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    The problem is that she's contradicting her wants with you. She says she wants space but she is definitely keeping you around. If I were you I'd give her as much space as possible. And I mean try not to answer her calls or texts so much, or go over there for that matter.

    I know you are thinking "but if I do that she'll forget about me and move on!" but guess what? If you guys are truly meant to be she will take her time apart from you (and yes, possibly date around which you definitely should lave yourself open as well), hopefully figure out what she needs to figure out-BTW, she's also evaluating how she feels about you, not just her emotional baggage with adoption, etc.-and then get better or more importantly realize she can get through things with you. Then it will be YOUR choice to decide what to do from there.
     

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