SRS whats her problem?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by the ground folds, Dec 15, 2007.

  1. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    Okay, I'm not sure how long this is gonna end up being and I've never actually posted this much about a relationship online so I'm not sure how all this is going to sound. I'll give a little background of the story before i really get into what im asking here.

    So, im a 23 year old male who had 2 serious relationships prior to my relationship with this girl. Shes a 21 year old female who had 1 serious relationship that was on and off for 3 years. This was a pretty bad relationship for her where she constantly walked all over the guy. I've had my fair share of relationship bullshit and drama so i have some pretty thick skin now. So we were together for a year in a relationship that was much different from the past relationships that i have had.

    So in January i took a break from her which may have come off as a surprise to her. There weren't any problems between us at the time so it probably did blindside her. I wasn't unhappy with the relationship but i was really overwhelmed with life. My mom was seriously sick and i have always had my fair share of problems at home. So i took a break from her cause i didn't feel like i could handle it. I can tell when this happens that she is pretty hurt by it.

    So almost a month goes by and we don't talk. She texts me on valentines day saying, "i know you are the guy for me." I wasn't really sure how to respond to this so i didn't. But i called her a few days after and we had a pretty good conversation. Over the next few months we talk a couple times a month and the conversations usually resulted in her telling me she misses me and so on. She was the one that was initiating the conversations 80% of the time, i wasn't calling her.

    So summer comes around and shes gonna be home for the next 3 months. We talked right before she came home and i wasn't really sure what i wanted out of her at the time. So a month goes by and we only talked once. I actually started dating someone else at the time but she didn't know about it. In August she randomly texts me and tells me that shes seeing someone. I'll admit that it bothered me and i didn't really know how to react so i just texted her "thanks for letting me know."

    So a couple weeks later she calls me and obviously it comes up. So she tells me that she is seeing her ex from the past. Now im really blown out by this. She asks me if i had a girlfriend and i told her no, which i didnt. And i guess i couldve told her that i was dating someone but i didnt. It may sound like bullshit but the reason why i didn't tell her was to protect her feelings. I didn't want her to get worked up over a girl that i wasn't exactly serious about. So she goes on to tell me how she expected the summer to be different for us. She thought that i was gonna be calling and that i was going to try to make things work between us. When i didn't, she ends up hanging out with her ex.

    A couple more weeks go by until she calls again. Basically the conversation goes as always. She tells me that she wants to start something up again. Then, she asks me if i was dating someone or had a gf and i said no. I wasn't dating the previous girl anymore. Then she goes on to say that she doesn't believe that i haven't fucked anyone since we broke up. I'm really not one to lie so i told her that i have. She gets pissed off blows up and hangs up.

    So over the next few months we only exchange a couple of text. The big ones were about me moving. I basically told her a few days before i was actually moving that i was movin 400 miles away. She didn't really say much at this point. A month later we talk and she basically expresses how she feels about me moving. She goes on to say how hard the last year has been for her and that shes had trouble moving forward. So we exchange a lot of feelings and emotions about what we have gone through and felt during the break up time. It gets pretty intense and well, being the person she is she brings up me sleeping with a girl. So in her mind she thinks i slept with a random girl in response to her seeing someone.

    So i told her that i was dating someone during the summer but i wasn't when she asked if i was dating someone. And the time she asked before that was if i had a gf and i didn't. Once again she proceeds to blow up about how i didn't tell her and so on. For me, i didn't lie to her about it, but i dont know if she sees it that way.

    So i guess what i'm basically wondering is, why does she always get really mad, really easily? I'm not asking about if i should stick this one out or try to get back with her. Cause those aren't questions that i ask myself. I do care deeply for the girl and i know at a different time and different place things may be different but definitely not now.

    Some small tidbits, she admits that she gets mad easily when it comes to things between us. She also says how we seem to push each other back and forth and i can see that its leading to us both getting closer to that breaking point. She always classifies me as that different guy because i'm the first guy that she hasn't walked all over and that i actually give her that balance.

    Cliffs- With a girl for a year, broke up earlier this year. Talk over the past year once or twice a month. I was dating someone in summer and so was she. I never told her i was dating someone. She blows up when i tell her i slept with someone. Months later she asks me about it and blows up again because i told her i was actually dating someone in the summer. She ends up getting really mad. I dont get why.
     
  2. onedownfiveup

    onedownfiveup Active Member

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    She obviously has feelings for you or else she wouldn't blow up and get angry.
     
  3. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    another weird thing is that all our fights, problems, drama are all post relationship. We actually had a healthy relationship while we were in it.
     
  4. onedownfiveup

    onedownfiveup Active Member

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    So why get out of the relationship?

    It's a possibility the arguments that you are having post relationship have to do with feelings from both parties that aren't being shared openly.
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Here's the simple explanation: She doesn't get that you're not in the relationship with her. you see it for what it is, on and off, but nothing serious.

    She probably sees it as a real relationship, just that you two haven't officially gotten together,

    Basically, she's more serious about the relationship that you don't actually have.
     
  6. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i stated in the post that i took a break from her because of my own personal life. My mother became very sick, i had problems within my household, and the whole school factor.
     
  7. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i see what you are saying but its not like we were exclusive to each other after the break. She dated someone and i was also dating someone during that time.
     
  8. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    She hates that she can't have you.. its that simple.

    She said it herself.. she likes the balance that you two have.. the truth is, you're a good chase for her and she likes it. Shes walked all over other guys, you're different because you don't put her up on a peddle stool like others have before you.. you take your "relationship" with her as just an easy going thing that you don't take too heart as much as she does. Basically, she wants a serious relationship with you and hasn't loss those intimate feelings for you yet because quite frankly, you're stringing her along giving her a chance to think thats theres possibilty of you two getting back even though its pretty damn clear that you're not going to get back with her, she doesn't know that and of course she'll get pissed off if she finds out you're with someone else much less being sexually active.

    She started seeing her ex, that was a security like blanket for her hoping to make YOU jealous when clearly that relationship didn't work out but she was hoping she'd get a reaction out of you.. hey, it doesn't mean theres anything going on there, my guess is she'll drop him like a hot potato if she found out you'd want her back again but considering your lack of commiting, I would waste my time... nor is it smart that you're stringing her like that.. but at the same time she has no problem "walking all over guys shes with".. so, whats a little taste of her own medicine gonna do? right..
     
  9. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    My opinion is that she still has feeling for you. If you're not going to get back with her make it clear to her, stop her from chasing after you like a little lost puppy, because that's what she's doing. She probably thinks that you're going to take her back one of these days. When she hears you've been with someone else it breaks her heart and gives her the idea that you don't want to be with her anymore. If you don't have feeling for her anymore nor want to be with her make it clear to her and Stop talking to her. And no you can't be friends. Until Both parties no longer have feelings for each other you can't be friends, because the person that still has the feelings isn't going to be satisfied with being "just friends".
     
  10. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i know what you mean and to be perfectly honest, i really dont know what i want. I know that i do care deeply for the girl and i have feelings for her. I just don't know if now is the right time. At the same time, i dont necessarily want to cut things off completely cause i don't want it to be that harsh. The reality is, i do still feel for the girl i just don't know if i can commit to such a thing right now. I guess its a head vs. heart thing.
     
  11. sway

    sway New Member

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    What you are doing by stringing her along is harsh. I think it would be less harsh if you just told her that you two were never going to be anything and that you don't want to talk anymore so that she can move on with her life. Just my opinion.
     
  12. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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  13. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    so am i stringing her along by answering her calls?
     
  14. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    i agree with KA and think that answering her calls is possibly stringing her along but :dunno:
     
  15. johan

    johan Active Member

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    it is possible to have feelings of jealousy and ownership without wanting to get back into a full blown relationship with someone.




    Regardles of her feelings on the matter, you only need to consider your own feelings when choosing a course of action.

    Do YOU want to date her again? If so, then your next action should be obvious.

    If you DONT want to date her, well, answering her calls might be a little misleading.
    To most people, maybe not, but she sounds otherwise...

    so you need to decide if that will make your life easier or more complicated to continue talking to her.

    And whether its worth it.
     
  16. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    thanks. im working on deciding on it.
     
  17. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    Think about it long and hard and don't make too hasty a decision. But, do decide before you continue breaking her heart. You ARE stringing her along by answering her calls and it makes her think someday soon you guys will be together again. If you want to be with her then do so and if you don't then let her know.
     
  18. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i know it wont be an easy choice. But the thing is, i dont even know what she wants anymore. She was really mad when the last conversation ended so i don't even know if thats something shes going to get over or not.
     
  19. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    Talk to her. If you even plan on getting into a relationship with her again or with anybody for that matter you have to be able to talk to each other about what's bothering you. communication.
     
  20. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I'm starting to see more wisdom in what MetallicBlue said in another thread: the majority of relationship problems in this forum derive from guys not knowing what they expect from their women.
     
  21. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    yeah i know, im gonna give her some time to cool off. i dont even know if i should initiate the next convo. im thinking i just wait for her to contact me.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Alright, fine. Oh and thank's for the fuckin' long post chief! At least you used paragraphs so I suppose I can forgive you.

    In other words, she's quite a dominant partner.

    Fair enough, you did what served you. I likely would have done the same thing. Yes, it probably would hurt someone close to us, but she isn't family and she couldn't understand the magnitude of dealing with what comes with that.

    She clearly was interested in you, especially since you had pulled away. This often generates a yearning in people who originally felt for us.

    Fair enough, it wasn't really necessary for either of you to notify the other. You're not in an exclusive relationship at that point, so it was moot and irrelevant.

    It's not a good idea to protect people's feelings. They're responsible for their own feelings, not you.

    Reasonable enough, that's what usually happens.

    That's her problem. You weren't dishonest, cruel or rude.

    That is unfortunate that she's unable to rationally understand the context of your choice. It sounds like she may also have been hoping you would re-ignite the relationships, and in-fact was expecting it, so her heart was on the line waiting. I think you weren't committed enough in terms of letting her go. She got dragged along emotionally as a result of your ambivalence.

    You weren't together, it wasn't any of her business. The fact is, she felt hurt and was waiting for you. That's her responsibility. She didn't communicate what she wanted directly, but neither did you severe the relationship directly and intentionally.

    1: She got mad because she was in love with you, and you ended the relationship to deal with your life. You didn't end it with firmness, but left it hanging as the possibility of getting back together might occur.
    2: She didn't ask you straight forward whether or not you two were going to resume your relationship, she didn't say "I want this."

    You must be clear with people about what you want. Just because you're not clear doesn't give you the right to leave the other person unclear. Always make a clear decision, even if you don't know the end result. It's called "Leading someone on." You are responsible for your apathy, but not for her reaction.

    I answered everything.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2008
  23. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Simple: She was in love with you, you were leading her on unintentionally. You didn't know what you were going to do, but she was certain about what she wanted and you weren't giving it to her. She needed to communicate that directly to you, but was likely afraid. And you didn't communicate directly to her why you were making the decisions you were.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    That's why she's angry. It's really "hurt" -- all anger is a cry for help. She's hurt, wounded. You left her hanging.

    It wasn't fair to her to not telling her that and say "Listen I can't do it right now, I care about you, but you need to go on and date and meet other people. If I'm fortunate and I get another change with you when I'm ready, then great, but this is how it has to be.

    So you're telling me, you didn't cut things off because you were trying to set her down gently? That was foolish. You need to be blunt and direct with people, so they can grieve and let go! You made some mistakes, and you ought to make amends to her.

    When you can't make up your mind, you have to let people go. They shouldn't be left hanging, it's not fair to them.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2008
  25. kissingurami

    kissingurami New Member

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    i hope you tell her or decide something soon. i'd hate to be that girl
     

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