SRS whats happening to me?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by deuceforty, Nov 28, 2006.

  1. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    just looked and this thing is long as shit, you dont have to read it, but at least pretend you did, it will make me feel better

    allright heres my story..

    my dad used to cheat on my mom all the time.. i didnt realize it at the time, but he would usually bring me and my brother along and be like "hey you guys come over and play with my friends kids" or whatever.. anyway so they divorced when i was 7, i didnt realize it at the time but it really fucked me over, we moved to north carolina when i was 11 because my moms boyfriend at the time(all they ever did was have sex, i actually saw them doing it when i was 11 or 12, before i even went into sex ed) i wasnt trying to, their door was open and i was walkign down the hall to get some water, i looked in wondering why the door was open and was just like "wtf are they doing..." and that reallllly fucked with me for a while..

    i was never really athletic untill about 7th grade, and i was kind of a weird kid untill then (with good reason) we moved ALOT.. in fact i have lived in probably 7 or 8 different houses/apartments (which is why i have never really been homesick) im so different from the rest of my family... my real dad is 5'10 and weighs as much as me, my mom is 5'10 and about the least athletic person i know... my brother is 6'0 and weighs 130, he is slow, cant jump, and uncoordinated... i have worked my ass off for everything i have, and lately ive been really depressed because it seems like my whole world has been flipped upside down and there is nothing stable...

    my "friends" don't really talk to me anymore, so i dont really know what to do, ive always had different sets of friends, never really hung with the same crowd.. ive always been big into music, and it was not uncommon for me to get home from practice, put some music on, and just lay in bed all afternoon.. its not that im antisocial, i just dont really have many friends you know?? lately its been really hard, because ive been offered more cocaine in the past month than i ever thought possible.. i stopped runnign with that crowd because a little while ago i was very very close to trying it... its so weird, i just immerse myself in music and i try to with basketball, but its hard when it physically hurts the entire time (i was supposed to walk on at NC state, but completely destroyed my knee and it refuses to heal)..

    i went to a therapist for a little while back in the 7th and 8th grade because my parents thought i was too rebellious, but the therapist just told my parents they sucked at parenting and that i needed more freedom.. its true, both my parents think that im still a virgin who has never been on a date... they were always weird with shit and i would have to lie to them any time i wanted to go out.. as a matter of fact they wouldnt let me go to the gym 2 years ago because i got in trouble with something, and i had to lie and tell them i was going to younglife just to go play basketball..

    ive never once introduced my parents to any of my friends or brought a girl over when they were there, and i know it kind of hurts their feelings, but its their own fault by holding such high standards for me with girls and friends (ive been told my whole life i could "do better" with both my friends and the girls (my first girlfriend, my stepdad said "come on zack, you can do better")) so that has always made me kind of self concious about how i appear in public...

    i have never been fat, i was a hardcore soccer player (select travel teams) untill i moved to north carolina, then i picked up basketball, but i kind of sucked at it because i had no fundamentals.. i didnt even play in middle school, i played varsity my sophomore year and my junior year i was getting visits from coaches... i just figured my life was taking care of itself.. lately i have felt weirder than i ever have in my life.. honestly its as if i have been high on something for the past 2 weeks, but not a good high, just detached..

    this is just my thoughts translated onto a keyboard, take them however you please


    cliffs: lately i feel as if i have been drifting away from reality more and more everyday.. just looking for some advice or something
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2006
  2. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    If you take the time to set up paragraphs, then I will take the time to read it and respond.
     
  3. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    stream of conciousness basically
     
  4. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    offer stands as written.
     
  5. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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  6. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    Detached is not always bad. It can be really helpful to 'step outside yourself' and try to evaluate what you want. You just can't let it go on for too long.

    I think it's very important to have a social network to rely upon, be it family, friends, or some combination. It doesn't sound like your family has your best interests at heart. Honestly, you may find a few people here on OT, but they do not offer the consistency of a real friendship. Isolation is never a good thing.

    I think step one is to define one or two long-term goals, then shorter-term goals to facilitate the long-term ones. Step two may be to try and make a few friends from a hobby. You have athletic talent so do something really easy, like joining a bowling league. Most of the time there's nothing to do but BS and make friends.

    I wish I had more for you but I just don't know you that well. We should move this to the asylum. 7960 will do it, most likely. Listen to Johan.
     
  7. cls

    cls Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in

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    Agreed. You probably feel detached because of a lack of quality relationships in your life. Unfortunately, your parents have not set great examples of how to develop healthy relationships so this may be something you struggle with throughout your life.

    You should seek out people you can relate to on a deeper level... whether it's through athletics, school, dating, whatever. You did the smart thing by avoiding people that will offer destructive relationships (drug addict crowd), but you gotta fill that void.
     
  8. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    thats dead on.. the more i think about it, the more i realized they just wanted my success for themselves.. which put alot of pressure for me.. my extended family has been talking about me buying them cars and houses and shit for as long as i can remember, and my mom and stepdad were so excited that they wouldnt have to pay for college and asked me what i would get them blah blah blah... how can parents put so much stress on their kids to succeed?? i always wondered why they never cared about my little brother but were so concerned with me, and all i can see is flashbacks to where they called me "the franchise" and shit like that... :wtc:
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    more appropriate here... good luck
     
  10. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    thanks for the move :love:
     
  11. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    You said that your friends don't talk to you anymore, but friendship is a two way street.

    "ive always had different sets of friends, never really hung with the same crowd"

    Well that may be your problem right there... you never really hung onto one group of friends to really have that kind of bond with.

    Maybe you're feeling detached because if I read your post correctly, you may be going to college to you and it just seems odd to finally get a grip on everything and now start all over again at college.
     
  12. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    ive always had different sets because of my interests, try and find a group that will go play basketball, come back and listen to music and talk about djing, go post on message boards, go out wakeboarding, and play video games like final fantasy and shit.. its rough, i would have sets of friends for each activity i liked, my best friends all go to different colleges now, and i just feel alienated from everything..
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What you should do is bringing the power of your life where it belongs, back in your own hands. Love,believe and support yourself. This is the only thing you can do if no one else does it. Take the matter of your life and arranging it into your own hands, having no parents absolutely sucks. They set you the worst most possible role-example imaginable.

    This might sound like absolute insanity for a person who's led a western based lifestyle, but you could try yoga and buddism to bring your life back into balance (beats taking cocaine and destroying your life) , its a lifestyle that takes effort, but the weird feeling you have is imbalance caused by the lack of parenting and nightmare role examples that the fucked up parents have made you inherit.

    You may never restore completely from the fucked up images your past childhood have left you behind, we are talking 'reducing damage' here on the long term that you will suffer. Its not ok to live like a hermit, its not ok to let a damaged childhood take away your future. I hope that you can find forgiveness for your immature parents , if i where you id drop them like a brick and set goals for yourself that 'YOU' want to achieve, that way you earn what you receive in your life yourself.

    Im not saying becoming some selfish prick, its important always to love and help others in your life, but in the process of life you need to preserve and protect yourself from the hurt that others impose on you. However when you get born in a dysfunctional household, you are 100% to be effected, because you are subjected to your parents, bad parents set bad examples for their children, which have caused a life lasting mental shock in your case.

    Most of the times it would result in spiraling down and drug abuse, its a nothing less then a fucking miracle that you didn't go down that way. However you are very susceptible at this time, you need to protect yourself from this.

    You see you have to see yourself as a castle, you need to close your castle gate against bad people/things/events and open yourself up to good people/things/events , this is why you need to push your parents out of your life, afterall if someone does nothing but bringing negativity in your life, what good will they serve in your life? Nothing, so out like trash they go.
     
  14. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    dstar on here made that analogy, but he included that im like a castle shut on myself.. its like i got fucked over once and completely shut myself down from completely opening up to other people, which is on point.. ive never had a real relationship with anyone after my first, and to be honest the more i think about it the less i want one.. i can't open myself up completely to anyone, and i think it would be difficult if not impossible for a girl to put up with that for more than a couple months
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    If opening yourself up causes you to get hurt, its only natural that you shut yourself down on opening yourself up to people. This is why its so important to be selective to 'whom' you open yourself up to. Not everyone is a bad person, but there's a lot of darkness and hatred in this world that you get exposed to. You need to be protective on your own feelings, but as said its not good to live like a hermit because this leads to isolation, so you have got to do things in which you open up yourself to a lot of people, you could for instance work in a bar, or go backpacking around the world, so you get a lot of social experience, which will have to counter the bad experiences of the past and thus re-opening yourself again in a proper way to the right people so you become intereactive instead of a social outcast.
     
  16. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    thanks for the support dark :love:
     
  17. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    update...

    i went out last night and stayed with a friend, went to 8:30 class, got back and slept untill about 5:30... :hs: what a waste of a day
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    did you not sleep the night before?

    If you've been having a major change in sleeping habits (either sleeping a ton, or hardly at all), you may want to go see the doc.

    A major sleeping thing COULD be a sign of depression.
     
  19. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    no i slept, i went to bed at around 1 and woke up at 8 for my class.. pretty normal.. idk, i just didnt want to leave my bed today...
     
  20. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    i'm guessing that somewhere, you missed a phase developmentaly, something didnt happen that should have, etc, due to your atypical upbringing. Eventually, you're psyche will force you to deal with it. Try talking to a counselor, they can help you with this.
     
  21. dan

    dan New Member

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    As a close friend, I feel for you man.


    It's a combination of the home sick, with starting out at college, and missing all your friends.


    You are I never found that crowd that liked the shit we did, did we? We never could really find "the balance" between popularity and what people think of as a joke. In middle school we were like that, then highschool came, thats when you proved yourself, but i'm glad you did it for yourself, not for your stepdad or mom.


    For the rest of OT; I never got along with his step dad. I was always seen to him as an underachiever probably, and he didn't want to rub it off on his stepson, so when I did hangout over his house, (middle and highschool) I always felt like I was unwanted. Thats a shitty feeling, for sure.
     
  22. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    ^ :wtc: nigga you still have my djsp :)
     

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