SRS What would you do in my situation?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BrokenHalo, Aug 23, 2006.

  1. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    This is obviously a long one, but I wanted some serious answers, so I decided to post in here.

    Before anyone asks, I'm 23.

    The backstory:
    I've been best friends with M for over 18 years. We've been through a lot together. Almost all good times. Shortly after high school, we started dating brothers who had a psychotic mother. To put things simply, the mother tried to turn us against each other for her own enjoyment, and it worked.

    I didn't talk to or have any contact with M for about 6 months. Then one day, out of the blue she calls me to tell me that she heard that I broke up with the other brother, and to tell me that she's pregnant and that she wants to see me. She missed me.

    I told her that I didn't know, that we'd need to talk first about what happened between us. That wasn't a problem and we began to work things out over several phone conversations. And then suddenly, everything was back to normal. I had really missed her as well and it felt good to know that she still cared and that despite what we had done to one another for the affection of the psychopath, we still loved each other.

    Then one day about a week after we patch things up, while I'm at work, I get a call from her. She's hysterical and bawling, telling me that her boyfriend (and baby daddy) had kicked her out of the house. She was 6 months pregnant at the time. I left work at the risk of getting canned, drove half an hour and picked her up. This was the first time I had seen her in over 6 months. She hugged me and was so happy that I was there. Our friendship was renewed.

    Fast forward almost 2 years. I've been there for her through all of that, her mom kicking her out, the birth of her son and a slew of happy moments. I had helped her move 3 times in one year. I came to see her every weekend when she was pregnant and at least twice a week after she had her son and we couldn't go out anymore. I bought her dinner, used the gas in my car to drive to see her, the whole nine yards. I would've done anything for this girl, and usually did. I loved her like a sister.

    Then she started dating again and fell for a guy that was going back to jail for dealing coke. She stayed with him until he got out, and I stayed by her side and even watched her son when she went to visit him. He gets out and comes to basically live with her. And he's still dealing... and he gets her semi-hooked on coke.

    Fast forward a little more, she's dumped that guy because he was a total drain on life (big surprise) and is dating another one... only this one has a job and a life (but is still a drug dealer). Things start to go sour.

    I get proposed to, and of course I want her to be my maid of honor and her son to be my ring bearer. Everything is still going ok, even though I don't like the whole drug thing. She accepts happily... and then things change.

    I start to not hear from her. She doesn't return my calls. She starts to ditch me for the new boyfriend... ALL THE TIME. And then she lies to me about it, telling me that its because he's going away in the military... which he was. But she wasn't hanging out with him... she had gotten new friends which I soon found out.

    These new chicks are what M has always wanted to be. Rebellious 20 somethings that don't want to grow up. Slutty, trashy, druggy bitches. Its been weeks, I haven't seen her. Then one night she calls and we go out. I missed her. She has drugs on her and badgers me to try them. I refuse and the night is ruined.

    I still don't give up though, I keep trying with her, occasionally making breakthoughs. I need to get her out to get her bridesmaid's dress... and again with the blowing me off routine, lying about where she's going or what she's doing thats keeping her from going out and doing the typical maid of honor shit with me.

    And that was it. I lost it. So much stuff came at me at once and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle being trampled on and overlooked, so I told her how I felt, she called me a bitch and that was the end of it. Our friendship was over.

    But now is when I need advice. She's been calling me, leaving me myspace messages and emails telling me that she misses me and she wants to get together with me. That she's sorry and that she knows she fucked up... the typical bullshit. And I don't know what to do now.

    Everyone in my life is happy that I got rid of her. For awhile they couldn't care less, but after the drug shit and the being a crappy friend shit (not to mention terrible mother to her child) they just told me that I'm better off without her in my life. And sadly, thats the way I feel as well.

    But there is still a part of me that misses her. Part of me that doesn't want to throw away 18+ years of friendship. She's always been a little stupid in her decision making and I've known this. She's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I love her anyway.

    I don't know whether to just continue with her out of my life or if I should try to work through things again... knowing full well that this could and would probably happen again. But I miss her and I care about her. Does anyone have any advice?

    cliffs: there are no cliffs, its too complicated for them
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I would definitly stick with your friend, even tho its hard , its what friends are for. To stick up for eachother when times are bad, they say when your having a bad time fake friends step out, while real friends step into your life.

    However, you cannot let her continue to abuse your good intentions, need it as it may you can only lift 'that' much hay on your fork before you collapse. Your friend might miss you, but i would put 'conditions' on it. Show her the results of her bad choices in life, Convince her every time that its time to leave the shit that's she is in. The horrible people that only have dragged her life down the drain.

    Give her the advice that she should get counselling and get into rehab, and change her life. Warn her that if she refuses to listen you will drop her like a brick,(sounds harsh, and is harsh but is needed to get it thru her skull) and move on with your life without her. Because yes, you are better off without her in your life. But i wouldn't give up on her, keep yelling at her that she needs to change her life no matter how long it takes.Persistance is the key to succes.
     
  3. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    jesus, halo, i really don't know.
    i wish i did - i admire your persistence.
    i really dont' have any advice, but i didn't want to read the whole thing and then just let it go.
     
  4. Los

    Los Active Member

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    Sometimes you have to weigh whether they are your friends for history sake or they truly cherish your friendship. Once you establish that, of course within yourself as well, then you proceed to either ditch the friend or keep the friend.

    But if she keeps fucking up, there is no hope that the relationship will work.

    I'm sorry for your friend.
     
  5. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Broken Halo,

    I kind of get this feeling that your friend is only in it for when she NEEDS you.. whens its convenient for her but don't you realize that you're what I like to call a TRUE friend? You do so much for this girl.. you have sticken by her through thick and thin but yet she doesn't show the same gratitude like you do for her. A friend, a relationship, a marriage, etc.. all these things won't work unless both parties make the effort to make it work... you try to make it work but she isn't putting up that little bit of whip cream to seal the deal!

    I realize you want to stay true to her.. but yeah, I also agree with your friends.. you maybe better off without her, in the long run anyways. Some part of me believes you can be that friend to help her, guide her, and get her on the right path again but its going to take alot of work and it'll drain you.. sometimes in life, those that have negative life styles tend to put that energy around those that are good positive people, even though they may not realize it because of their own ignorance.. they don't realize that its also putting YOU down.. and you'll feel it, actually, you ARE feeling it.

    So right now.. its a two way road, as much as you want to be her friend, is she really putting much effort to be yours?
     
  6. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    Call her up and run down to her all that you've done for her and all of the times that you've been there for her over the years and say that you'd like to salvage the friendship that the two of you once shared but that you need her to do something for you to show that the friendship means as much to her as it does to you and that would be an intervention and her willingly committing herself to a detox or whatever center somewhere to get her off of the drugs that have made her someone other than who she use to be/actually is.
     
  7. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I think if you completely ditch her, some years down the road you're going to regret it. She seems like a younger sibling to you, and even though she can piss you off, you still care about her no matter what. Having said that, you need to give her a little tough love and set ground rules for interacting with her. Let her know that shes gonna have to put some effort into maintaining a relationship with you.
     
  8. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    the problem therein lies that i'm avoiding her. she has called a few times in the past week and left me tons of messages saying how sorry she is and she knows she fucked up, etc etc. but she's done this before, so its not like this is a new revelation and a step in the right direction.

    but i don't answer. i don't want to. something about it doesn't feel right. something about becoming friends with her again feels fake and awkward. it wouldn't feel real to me anymore.

    and for whatever stupid reason, i already do regret what has happened between us. i feel like i have over reacted or something. even though deep down, i know i haven't. i regret losing a friend that i've cared about for so long. i remember some of the awesome times that we've shared and it hurts my heart. but i just don't feel that anything will ever be the same again. and that makes me uncomfortable.
     
  9. bigman7903

    bigman7903 OT Supporter

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    I know (to a much lesser extent) what you mean, and i was always told that, no matter how much you try to help someone, they will always need more than you can give. At which poin you either A) have to live w. it and continue helping what may be a lost cause, or B) Take some time and decide what you really want to do.

    If i were in your position i would try to help, but not to the extent that you did before, you offered your friendship and she took advantage of it. I would help her get back on her feet, and slowly ween yourself out of the relationship. If someone pulled that crap w/ me i wouldn't want to be involved w/ them, i would still wish for their welfare, but i couldn't continue being good friends. Once someone does that to me, i'm done. From what little i know about you from reading in here, the vag, and FS, i think you would regret not helping her, despite how awkward it may feel.
     
  10. Ladybird

    Ladybird New Member

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    Dayam.

    I really admire your persistance and courage to keep tryign on at this girl. Somone said above that you should ring her up and just let everything spill out, tell her how you feel about all the things shes done and then tell her that unless she changes her life then its not going to work anymore.

    I hope things turn out ok - Good Luck!
     
  11. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    I have told her how I feel, multiple times during the beginning of this painfully long fallout.

    I wrote her yesterday and reiterated how I felt about what happened and told her how I feel about our current situation and whether or not I felt that it would ever work with us again. I'm waiting to hear back from her.

    This isn't an easy situation by a long shot to deal with. When I think about myself, I don't see me doing these things for other people as being too lenient... but all of my other friends and family say that I'm too forgiving. I don't mind, however... but it does make me feel a little better about how I reacted to the situation at hand.

    I appreciate all of the replies I've gotten so far. It does help me see from a different perspective and I feel good knowing that most of the perspectives match up to mine. I think I'm making the right decision, as much as it hurts to say. :hs:
     
  12. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    BrokenHalo i admire your honesty and the courage it took to tell her how you feel
    :)
     

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