SRS What to expect with a divorce involving children?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by thomyi, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    Serious topic here.

    Needless to say the separation with my wife has not calmed the storm in my marriage.

    Wife and I have agreed to possibly move forward with a divorce and I am anxious in turning the page in my life, but scared of the possible financial repercussions. Not only that, but I absolutely love my children. Just not their mother.

    With a combined household income of over six figures, which I make 90% of, two cars, two children, and a home. Should I anticipate that she would get almost everything with the addition of child support, even though she cheated on me?

    Should I consider marriage counseling first? This is the toughest decision I have come across.
     
  2. Teh_Sponge

    Teh_Sponge Hey, I got a sub now...

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2004
    Messages:
    22,550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tampa, Florida
    check out your local divorce laws. states are different
     
  3. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    I have a consultation meeting with a divorce attorney, but even to meet, she wants to charge me money. A lot of the attorneys here are like that. I just want to make sure this is right thing to do.
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    her cheating on you has no bearing on what she'll get.

    I typed up a lot of shit that my brother and two friends went through.

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=4231616



    sorry for what you're about to go through.
     
  5. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    it is.
     
  6. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    Thanks.
     
  7. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    You're screwed man. You'll get joint custody, but don't expect to keep any money. If you don't have to give it to her, it's because you'll have spent it on the lawyer instead.

    That being said, if you can see your kids regularly and you can find someone else who's a better match for you, the money won't seem to matter so much. And if you're fairly young, chances are your ex will get married again, which usually cancels all alimony. In any event, it's better to be happy than rich.
     
  8. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    Thanks. The money only matters because I am so in debt. I'm 28 and just graduated from grad school. I have student loans out the ass. I can't imagine child support and any other restitution after that. On the oher hand I do not want to be involved in any relationship with a whore.
     
  9. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Messages:
    12,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    Its going to be rough on your kids, my parents got divorced when i was in 2nd grade and it was fucking terrible. How old are your kids? If they are young, you're probably going to experience a lot of pain from watching the pain your kids will go through for years to come. :hs:
     
  10. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Expect her to get at least 50% of your assets, probably more, and you'll be forking over a nice chunk of your paycheck every week to her, which she'll probably waste on crap that isn't even for your kids.

    Welcome to divorce court as a man, where the cards are stacked against you no matter how much of a cheating cunt you wife was.
     
  11. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. Trust me, they are top priority to me. I just can't bring myself to forgiving their mother. I am usually very humble and passive, but she did this to me during some very trying times. Deaths in the family, family legal issues, financial issues, you name it. I went through a lot last year and this tramp goes and cheats on me. I just can't bring myself to forgiving her just for the sake of my children.
     
  12. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Messages:
    12,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    Knowing what divorce is like for kids first hand, I've often thought about what I would do if things between my wife and I went south and we had kids. I've always just assumed I would put up with whatever anger I had towards my wife until the kids were older (like college or so), but since I haven't been there yet (and hope I never get there) I can't really say with 100% certainty that I could do that. I dont even know if that would be better for the kids or not.
     
  13. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    Good luck man but you are probably screwed even though she cheated on you...she'll get half your assets, you'll keep 100% of your debt, she'll get child support and probably custody of the kids. I would try counciling at least it will look like you tried to fix things maybe the court will take it easier on you :hs:
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    it's better than watching their parents live in a house while they hate each other and feel trapped because of the kids.
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    do you have any intentions of trying to make it work? if not, then dont waste time or money with the counseling. if you can never ever forgive her, then you know your answer. if you think you might be able to, but with some work, try out the counseling before you go through with the divorce.

    and if divorce is the route you take, i suggest getting some personal counseling to help you move forward from the relationship and learn how to appropriately interact with her and talk about her when your kids are around. they should never have to hear you be bitter or say mean things (however true they may be) about their mother. i say this as a child from a divorce that resulted because of my mother cheating. my dad is STILL bitter about it (and my mom has been dead for 10 years, my dad has been remarried for 17) and i think it is wrong that he ever talks shit on my mom. i know she was wrong and i dont need my dad trying to convince me she was a bad person. and holding onto that grudge for so long cannot be healthy
     
  16. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Messages:
    12,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    Saying its better is a pretty strong statement and i disagree with it. At the very best its no worse. I say that because i dont think having my parents stay together, even if they were fighting all the time, would have been worse than what my brother and i actually went through during the divorce and dealing with having two homes.
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    better.

    maybe not for you in particular, but in general.....

     
  18. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    i disagree. had my parents stayed together in a loveless marriage with fighting and barely speaking to each other, that is what i would learn that a marriage "should be." i am thankful that my parents thought it best to divorce (even though it was a horrible divorce) and both found happiness and love again. instead of having one horrible example of what a relationship should be, i have 2 good examples of what a good marriage should look like.

    kids learn by example. why would you want to teach your kids that its ok to be miserable?
     
  19. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Messages:
    12,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    My case could certainlly be in the minority. :dunno:

    Both my parents got remarried into shit marriages so i had the good fortune of hearing them fight with each other as well as with their other spouses. But i look at is as having three examples of what not to do with a spouse. I've been with my wife for 10 years (2 married, 1 living together, 7 dating), which is longer than any of my parents' relationships, so i figure i'm doing ok in that regard.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    that sucks, and im sorry that their divorce didnt improve your situation in any way. im sure that is sadly the case many times, and i do feel lucky that in the long run, i think everyone involved was better off.

    i have friends who parents have stayed miserably married and they have in turn have had many miserable relationships, following their parents example. its great that you could see how it was wrong and not desierable and seek out something that was the opposite of what you saw every day. not everyone is as intuitive as you sadly
     
  21. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Messages:
    12,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    I dont know how or why i ended up the way i am (with regard to relationships), my brother didnt turn out the same way and hes had trouble finding happy/healthy relationships.

    Then again my wife's grandparents got divorced well after the kids moved out and as far as i know were quite unhappy during most of their marriage. Their kids (my wife's parents and aunts/uncles) claim to have had no idea that things were sour growing up and each found good relationships in their adulthood.

    I think when it comes to divorce and kids it is never good, only varying degrees of bad. :hs:
     
  22. summer1547

    summer1547 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2009
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think you need to do what is best for everyone in the overall situation including yourself. You have to step back to look at this for yourself.

    You- if you can't forgive (no one said you had to forget) and it will taint your behavior and attitude towards those around you especially your kids- get out but be prepared for the change in your life and your childrens' lives
    if you can see yourself working thru it- than you might have an even stronger marriage and relationship with your wife and kids but this is only if you can honestly see yourself working thru all of your turmoil

    In life we all have shit that happens to us. I grew up in a household with lots of turmoil and stress myself. Do I have issues? Yes, but then again who does not. Success is achieved in life by taking the shitty things that happen to us and moving beyond them and making them something positive. Everyone has a sob story of some type. You can succumb to the sob or grow stronger not despite but because of it. This is what you will need to help your kids understand about life. Either choice you make will affect them. Even your wife's choice to cheat will affect them as I'm sure they will one day discover this and wonder about your and her choices regarding the matter. The way I look at it there are no wrong or right choices- there is what you choose to do and the consequences there of. Look at all consequences of your choice and choose accordingly.

    Although I don't condone what your wife did by cheating and acting immaturely to whatever problems were there, you need to look at what problems led to her making that choice. I'm not saying that the problems prior were your responsibilities or you caused them but there were surely problems prior.
     
  23. thomyi

    thomyi I need to B my L on someone's T's.... OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2002
    Messages:
    14,251
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    Im sure I caused this directly or indirectly. Fuck i'm working 60 hour weeks. I'm a lead analyst so I was never there for her. This is America I guess. If I take a step back, cut my hours to spend more time with her, I'm sure we'd fight and argue about the dcrease in income.

    It's tough. I am screwed either way.
     
  24. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2004
    Messages:
    5,427
    Likes Received:
    0

    Yea no offense but even before this post I had a feeling you weren't telling the whole story. IMO, you should definitely go to counseling and try to work things out.
     
  25. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,593
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Dingoland
    Teach your children by example to remain miserable for the sake of your kids and grow to resent the situation you have found yourself in or teach your children by example that sometimes life sucks and you need to take control and sometimes that means doing some thing you hadn't planned on, but is best for all in the long run.
    I am from a divorced family. I grew up to have a wonderful relationship (so far) and I also have a horrible one before this. You can't guarantee that your kids will grow up with the right tools to have a wonderful life, but you can try your hardest not to stack the odds against them
    I get that life can sometimes be tough. As the stay at home parent in my relationship, I get that my husband will have to work long hours and that means I am at home with the kids and no one to help me. But it's no excuse to cheat. She made a choice. You could be an arsehole and beat the woman and in my view it is still no excuse for her to go cheat on you. You both need to take ownership of your own behaviour, not retaliate because you don't like the circumstances you have found yourself in.
     

Share This Page