What to do with on again/off again ex?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by levit, Dec 19, 2007.

  1. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    This is a very long, very complicated story spanning the past 5 months, but even more so the past 4 years. I'm going to try and keep it simple by just highlighting some stuff.

    - My ex and I dated exclusively/seriously for 3.5 years. We talked about marriage, kids, moving in together once I was done with college and could buy a house, being with each other for the rest of our lives, and generally how much we love each other.

    - We took our first vacation together, 2 weeks in Hawaii, this past summer.

    - Upon returning I felt like she was no longer putting forth an effort to see me, hang out with me, or be there for me. We didn't see much of each other for the first few weeks back.

    - Not seeing each other and me feeling like she didn't care caused arguments, fighting, not talking to each other for a couple days, etc.

    - We made up and promised we'd both try harder.

    - She broke up with me. At first she said she just needed a "break" to figure out what she really wanted and needed, but a day later said it was officially over. When I asked what caused this she said she woke up one day and no longer loved me.

    - I spiraled out of control for the next 5 or 6 weeks, binging on alcohol and oxycodone (I was under a lot of stress because I had started a new job too). During this time she refused to talk to me, through e-mail, IM, text, anything, and said she probably wasn't going to be able to see me anymore. I was torn apart, she was my world.

    - She found out what I was doing and contacted me and even my parents to make sure I was okay, and went as far to tell my mother what I was doing because she was concerned. I didn't find this out until a couple months afterwards, though.


    - I got control of my life, stopped the stupid shit I was doing, and generally tried to move on.

    - One day she apparently saw me driving. She sent me a text right then and said "I saw you driving and my heart dropped... I miss you, I can't go on without you being in my life in some way."

    - Eventually we started talking again, and talked about everything that had happened over the course of the ~5 weeks. She had made out with one of her good guy friends and let him do stuff to her with his fingers, but she refused to take off her pants during this and felt horrible afterwards apparently.

    - Then we decided to hang out and see each other again. This turned into a lot of making out, sex, foreplay, intimacy, and talking until the wee hours of the morning.

    - We continued to hang out, and those encounters happened every so often. Eventually we decided that we wanted to be exclusive with each other again, have sex, but not be fully attached in a "relationship" per say. While this sounds odd it made sense to us. We would not date/do anyone else unless we told the other person first and broke off the arrangement.

    - That lasted for a while but eventually she said every time we had sex she felt like she was hurting me and holding me back. She also said she felt like she didn't deserve someone as good as me because I'm the only guy that's ever cared about her and taken care of her. She didn't want to hurt me anymore so she broke off the sex arrangement.

    - Since then we've made out a couple times, touched each other a little on my birthday, but no sex. We have had a lot of good talks too.




    Here I am now. She is my best friend and means more to me than anything else in the world still. She told me she can't live without me in her life, but she knows I want her back. Right now she says she isn't ready to be back with me and told me she is not mature enough for me. I am 4.5 years older than her and she feels like I am at such a different place in my life that she can't handle coming up to my level of maturity. She said she needs to grow up and to live and experience things. What hurts me the most is I gave up those years of "experience" and "living" in college to be exclusively with her, and she knows this, and now that she is at this point she wants the chance to experience things.

    What do I do? I feel like I can't go on being her friend because every time I see her it hurts me because I remember how she broke my heart, and, dare I say, ruined my life. I had a plan for everything, I loved her and her alone and wanted to grow old with her, and now that is gone. Is it fair for me to tell her that I can't be her friend? I tried to say this once and she started balling her eyes out saying she couldn't go through life without me. But it's not fair to me... In reality all I want is her as my girlfriend again, but I don't know if that will ever happen, and I feel like if I keep holding onto that hope I'll just hold myself back and miss out on many things. However, if she told me tomorrow she wanted to be my girlfriend again I'd say yes, in a heartbeat. She is the only girl I've ever really loved, and wanted to be with.



    So what would you all do? If you need clarification or have any other questions let me know...
     
  2. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    65,832
    Likes Received:
    541
    Location:
    In a van down by the river
    I just read the title of the thread, but it's all I really need to read.

    Turn it OFF and leave it OFF.
     
  3. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    It's more complicated than that, hence why I highlighted some main things along the way.
     
  4. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2000
    Messages:
    18,745
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Toronto
    The issue is quite simple, it is only your denial and lack of judgment due to emotional cloud, which is making it seemingly difficult to make a proper decision here.

    Sounds to me like the classic 'she wanted to see what else was out there / found something/someone else'

    From everything you have said, there is absolutely no way to salvage this, it is a ship which is going down, back and forth will only confuse and hurt you, sounds to me like you need to leave it and cut it off.

    To be honest: Sounds like either a) you are both very young b) she is a flake/attention whore.
     
  5. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    She did want to see what else was out there, she admitted this to me. She said she wanted to experience other people and see what else others had to offer.

    Problem is that before me she always attracted a certain kind of guy, one that was not the nicest, didn't treat her that great, and tried to take advantage of her. This happened once again after she left me, and even one night a guy tried to force himself on her and she had to leave because of what he was doing.

    She told me no one has ever loved or cared for her like I do, or been as nice to her as I have. And now she's wondering if she's made a mistake, but she said she's not ready to get back.

    I agree that I'm not sure it can be salvaged, but it's just so complicated between us. Really no one understands besides us, and I don't expect anyone too because she and I are both stupid/crazy.

    She does thrive on attention, this is why she had issues in her past before me, but she has calmed down a lot over the years we were together.

    I am 23, she is 18 and a half. Hate all you want, I've heard it all, but once again no one understands us besides us, and things were never weird between me, her, my parents, or her parents. Her parents in fact loved me.







    I really do understand that I'm just continuing the pain and causing more hurt in myself, but I feel like if I let go of her completely I'd feel even worse.
     
  6. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    At a minimum I'm waiting until the holidays are over, but I know what you're saying is right (and I've always known this, just didn't want to deal with it).

    I live in the Kirkland area of WA (a suburb of Seattle) and go to school in Seattle (UW Foster School of Business, one more class left to complete my double major).
     
  7. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    65,832
    Likes Received:
    541
    Location:
    In a van down by the river
    It's cool man. Hell, if the situations were reversed I'd be fighting it too. Hell, I've been in your shoes and ignored my own damned advice. I know how hard it is. I suppose that's why I assert it in such a strong way.

    Anyways, ever been up to Whidbey Island?
     
  8. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Messages:
    4,678
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ATL
    I know what Viper says may sounds impossible and doesn't concern to your situation but I guarantee it does. Almost all young couples go through this, either the girl or the guy will "want to see what's out there". The problem is you were a good guy to her, you didn't challenge her enough to keep you around. Girls have the tendency to fix or mold the guys to become "good". You are basically done. Her job is finished and now she has no idea what to do with this relationship anymore. She is now looking for a new project to fix. She doesn't appreciate you anymore. You need to leave her. If you keep staying around, she will never have to fight for you and she'll never appreciate you.
     
  9. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Messages:
    4,678
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ATL
    Hell I was in his situation just a few months ago. Did I know what's the right thing to do? Yes. Did I listen to myself? No. I got burned. I bet 99% of us will not walk away but we'll learn eventually. I dated 3 girls (not serious) after my ex and I still think about her everyday. The difference now is that I continue to move forward and not looking back.
     
  10. eskarinna

    eskarinna New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas
    its hard, it hurts and it sucks but the situation is beyond your control. You have done everything you can now is time to stop thinking about her and get your life together.

    DONT waste anymore time burning away after someone who doesn't deserve your love or thoughts. I understand the pain you feel everytime you talk or see her and agree you should cut all contacts with her. If she keeps on trying to have you in her life she needs to know its either going to be as your gf / wife to be or not at all.

    If she got back with you and somehow decided she wants to act as an adult and start a family with you, this wont work and is setting up a very hard and emotional and full of pain life for both of you. I will tell you why. She feels you are holding her back from seeing what else is out there. You feel you held your self from all this already because of her.

    In 5-10 -15 years from now everytime you hit a hardship or get mad at each other you will keep on bringing this and the break up over and over and over again, untill one of you leaves.

    Trust me just find someone worth your love and with who you can start a clean relationship without all this bagage
     
  11. Boudreaux

    Boudreaux Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2002
    Messages:
    63,081
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    DFW, Texas
    You need to listen to these people.
     
  12. eskarinna

    eskarinna New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas

    i dunno happened to me but i was the one who was in his shoes and my ex was just an imature asshole whos idea for life was move back with mommy and dady so there is no bills to pay and go fuck school girls at the age of 24
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    :bowrofl: God, I absolutely love how everyone always thinks their significant situation is so special and "no one understands but us." The truth is we ALL get it, we've ALL been there in some way, shape or form. The fact of the matter is the girl is 18 1/2 :)rofl:) and is way too young to make some kind of commitment to you. She already left you once to experience what else was out there. If you did try to get back together she would have these feelings again, you know why? Because you aren't meant for each other.

    She is going to change so much by the time she is your age. She doesn't "attract" the wrong kind of men, don't be silly. She goes for those men that treat her like shit on purpose. Move on my friend. You are only wasting your time and effort on this child when you could be out experiencing many other women.
     
  14. scholar

    scholar New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2005
    Messages:
    1,277
    Likes Received:
    0
    Turn that shit off or you're going to get burned.
     
  15. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2002
    Messages:
    5,188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Great White North
    I think he just needs to spoke trying to read her mind and figure how she feels/thinks. Focus on how she acts (ie : flaky, ambivalent) and how it makes you feel (ie : like shit, then happy, then shit, then happy). You should realize that she can't make her mind and that someone has to be in control. That would be you. Just make it stop.
     
  16. low20

    low20 Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2003
    Messages:
    597
    Likes Received:
    0
    quit making out and shit and just take a break for a month or two....then slowly become friends and ONLY friends with no intentions or thoughts of anything more...sounds to me like shes ready to party it up with her gf's and doesnt want to be attached...typical superficial girl thing but hey happens a lot....they will hang on to you and make u unhappy then dump you when they an go party...twisted but tru....leave it alone and move on wih you rlife and dont worry about it...sounds like shes right...shes not mature enough, but you BOTH eed to stop hooking up with eachother or itll never end
     
  17. Yahdude

    Yahdude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2006
    Messages:
    1,211
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PC, UT
    You need to walk away from her completely. She has NO idea what she wants out of life and isn't going to know that for years, I promise you it isn't going to be you.

    You need to cut off contact and never talk to her again. Learning Experience.
     
  18. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Werd.

    Never been to Whidbey Island :(
     
  19. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    That's what I've heard.
     
  20. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2004
    Messages:
    14,518
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chi-Town
    Sounds like you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. I just hope that this time around you take it a lot better if/when she leaves you like before.

    It's easy for me to view your situation and tell you the best option (walk away and focus on getting over her).... It's hard as well to do, and accept but it is the best way for you.
     
  21. Mogu

    Mogu original gangster

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Messages:
    6,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Santa Cruz, CA
    In my opinion, this is the most important aspect of the relationship. It's already over! Whether or not it feels that way, whether or not you two choose to acknowledge it, whether or not you two persist in the illusion that it might still work. You're literally weaning yourself off of this girl, but you need to go cold turkey for your own sake. The REASON IT NEEDS TO END is because it is already behind you, and you need to be focusing on the fact that you are inevitably going to find somebody new, so you might as well do it now! It won't feel the same, you won't get to say the same things or feel the same way, but it will be different and fresh and you will actually be able to make something of it, and that is the only thing that matters for your future.
     
  22. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    I guess I have a bias perspective on all this.

    A good friend of mine was in a similar type of relationship with a younger girl as well. Difference is after a little over a year HE dumped HER. They were apart for about 6 months then reconciled. They moved in together, things were great for another year or so, then he dumped her again. Another 8 months go by and they get back together yet again. Now they're living together again and are engaged, and have been for about 2 years now.

    But I guess they are a rarity and I should not assume the same will happen with me. Let alone assume that what my friend did was the best or was right.
     
  23. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Messages:
    4,678
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ATL
    Did she still hang out with your friend during the times they were apart? Most likely not. If you want any chance of getting back with your girl, you need to leave. Give her some time to be by herself and see what's out there. If she truly love you, she will come back. You know the cliche saying "if you love something, let it go....". If she does try to contact you, there is a difference between her saying she misses you and want you in her life than she professes her love for you want want you back. Don't get suck in when she says she misses you.
     
  24. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    65,832
    Likes Received:
    541
    Location:
    In a van down by the river
    I wouldn't call that a successful relationship. That's what I call a "divorce waiting to happen". :mamoru:

    Engaged for 2 years eh? I bet they still don't have a wedding date set.

    This relationship is also set for : FAIL.
     
  25. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    They don't have a wedding date set because she is still in school and he is building his company up from the ground so they both have a lot of hectic things going on.

    Maybe it will fail, maybe it wont, at this point (after the two breakups) they seem closer than ever before and very committed. So who knows :dunno:
     

Share This Page