SRS What to do about female friend - I want her

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ty Webb, Oct 23, 2005.

  1. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    I have a friend of mine who is a female. We have been friends for years. We have had out fights. We always come to an understanding though and always make up. We know everything about each other and can read each other like no-one else. The past year or so, I have pretty much fallen for her. I did not think I would ever but it happened and I can't get her out of my mind. I love everything about her.

    I have not said anything to her for fear that she would get scared, run away and never talk to me again. I know the chemistry is there though. What I feel is positive of the whole situation is the fact we have such a friendship, that we would not have to build up a trust or understanding of one another much like someone new that you would meet. The base is there. I just want the next step. Whenever we are with each other, we laugh non stop. We truly enjoy each others company. I know that feeling is mutual.

    I date girls regularly. I don't hold back from other possibilities. Whenever i'm with someone else, they just don't compare to her. I think about her all the time. I don't want to just bring up my feeling for her out of nowhere because that would cause everything to come crashing down I think(perhaps I am wrong?)

    I thought about not being too overt about everything, and just continue what I am doing, but also continue to express how I want to spend time with her(dinner, movies at my place/hers, vacation, etc).

    I guess I am really lost on it all. I am sick of the dating game. I really just want her but i'd rather have her as a friend than risk losing a friendship over my feelings for her. It has become somewhat distracting as of late.

    Ive never really felt this way before... i'm 23... been in longer relationships in the past and definately had my flings. I'm just more mature now and want something more serious with someone of whom I know things can work out with.

    Any suggestion would be wonderful. Serious ones please.
    :sadwavey:
     
  2. AO

    AO New Member

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    If she's that good a friend then you should be able to have a very frank discussion. Sit her down and open your heart. When it comes to relationships it's either 0 or 100%.

    If you let your fear of losing her hold you back, then don't be surprised if someone comes into her life and takes her away from you. How will you feel then? You'll just probably kick yourself for not talking sooner and taking the chance.

    Take the chance. If she says that she just wants to continue being friends, then you'll have to live with that decision.
     
  3. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I can almost absolutely, positively guarantee that if you tell her your "feeeelings" for her that it's going to be all over.

    Does she have any interest in you? Do she touch you, come to your house frequently, flip her hair when you are around, dress up for you, call you frequently, pay your way, invite you out with JUST her? Or do you spend a lot of time on the phone...

    It won't be long before some other members back me up on this. I've seen it all too often. I'm 36, by the way.

    You need to find someone else and keep her as a friend. Trust me, she is not interested after this long. :(
     
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Everyone knows where I think the "friend becoming girlfriend" tactic leads to. Heartbreak Hotel. But since I doubt you will give up on this, I'll tell you what I think you should do.

    Next time you guys are out together and having fun, bring it up casually as if it isn't a big deal. Say something along the lines of, Becky, we always have so much fun hanging out, I want to take you out on a real date, just you and me. I'm tired of shitty dates with the dumb broads I have been seeing lately and we always have a lot of fun. I know a great place we can go called ________ so what are you doing Saturday?" or something casual like this. That way, if she isn't interested, it won't be you going, "God Becky, I love you so much! You are the best thing in my life and we should be together!!!". That kind of stuff will ruin friendships if she isn't interested.
     
  5. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    Poco is right. It will be all over if you do that.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Just go for it. It's not going to work out -- everyone else is right on the money -- but this will be a very useful education for you.
    It's been said that people don't really -- REALLY -- learn until they go through it themselves.

    So...go through it. You'll learn to spot the signs for next time.
     
  7. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    I was waiting for more reponses before I replied again. Thanks to all of you for your insight thus far.

    She came over last night to spend some time with me which was nice. we were on the couch and she basically cuddled up into me. We just talked for a few hours. My arm around her. Her head in my lap looking right at me.

    She makes mention of things of what she wants in a guy out of nowhere. Everything she says wants IS everything I am and have. I don't know if she said it for a reason or not but immediately after, I looked her right in the eyes and said "Youre so blind to what you want. Everything you want is looking you in the eyes right now." She genuinely smiled but no comments after. I think she is getting the hint, especially after that. We continued to talk throughout the night and she continued to tell me everything she wants in a guy which were all too obviously, me.

    I had thought about doing what Diggity Dogg said and taking her on a real date and not being too overt with everything. Although I want to jump right in, I know if this even has a slight possibility of working out, I need to move into this slow and steady. I think that will work out best and I am almost pretty sure she would go for it.

    but again... I don't know what her body language means. I haven't felt this way about someone in probably 4 years and my judgement is slightly clouded by my feelings.

    I'd also like to add the fact that she had asked me out of nowhere last night that if I were to compare her to any car, what would it be?
    I told her "You are without a doubt a 1957 Ferrari 250 GT California. Not only do I find you to be incredibly classy and refined, but you are unique and gorgeous inside and out as well. It is in my opinion also impossible to put a price on someone like you."

    I got this as her reponse - "
    awww!!! That was so cute..definatly made me smile/ laugh. Wow I am one vintage classy car ;)
    I love the fact that you find me so "classy" it is a huge compliment!"

    it's just what came to my head at the time and I meant it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2005
  8. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    Well, you're flirting. Go for it. You may crash and burn, but hey, fortune favors the brave, and the pussies who never do shit never get any.

    Up to you if you want to risk the frienship or not. But then again, risk is what makes life more interesting. Better than playing it safe all the time.
     
  9. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    WTF are you still doing hinting! Man, if you have such an opportunity right in front of you, don't be some sorry panzy ass putz, take advantage of the situation. I'm not talking about taking her right then and there (though if she was willing you should have) but if you were right there in the moment, why didn't you just take control of the situation? My god if I knew you in person I would kick in your teeth for being so dense!!!!
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Hey guy, I totally know where you are coming from. I wish Nicole where online, because she and I could totally explain what we went through. Oh, and Becky. Oh, and Aimee. And Kelly. Let's see, how many women did I try that with before I finally got a clue? I lost count. I really don't see it happening, personally, and reading your post is just like listening to how I was before.

    In regards to the bold, above: Look, she's not stupid, she knows EXACTLY what you meant. By virtue of her not *acting* on that, replying something nice (like a compliment) to *me* says "Hm, she's not interested in me that way." (Yes, I could be wrong, but somehow my experiences when I did that dozens of times tells me I'm not...)

    Second, she is talking to you like a WOMAN. You ARE a woman in her eyes. You're not boyfriend material to her. You are like a child to her. With all due respect, I believe their is a chain of command, so to speak, as follows:

    Daughter - Son - Mother - Father

    You are in the relation of Son - Mother. You NEED to be in relation of Mother - Father. Unfortunately, you're too nice from what I can tell. A real man would not have waited, told her your feelings. He would have gone in for a kiss. In fact, he would have done that a LONG time ago.

    Third, NEVER LISTEN TO A WOMAN WHEN SHE TELLS YOU WHAT SHE WANTS!!! If you take advice from women about what they want, you'll forever be frustrated. The reason why you cannot figure her out is because you are listening to what she says, not paying attention to what she DOES. Who is the last guy she dated? How are you like him? Not at all, I suspect. That's because she wants a real MAN who is a challenge, not some little boy falling all over himself to compliment her and kiss her ass. That's ugly, that's like a stalker. You have to be more of a challenge so she does not know what you want. Like a cat that chases a string, a woman will only chase a man who is hard to catch. You're laying everything out up front. How boring.

    Keep up updated... But I would not go for it.

    Body language is easy. Is she using her hands and TOUCHING you? Is she holding your hand? Putting her hand on your legs? Is she leaning close to you which could make it easy for a kiss? Does she hesitate when she leaves, opening a window for a goodnight kiss? Remember, women communicate with actions, not words. If a woman is interested in you, she would have already made moves to be intimate with you. She hasn't, so this is why I say she's not interested in you. And if you are more interested in her than she is in you, then you look desperate, supplicating, inferior, and not a MAN.

    Wow, WAY overboard. You are acting like a son does to his mother. Women simply cannot respect this. If you ever want to compliment a woman, you need to keep it simple. Something like "You look nice today." You just said "I'm so desperate for you I would sell my left nut." How does that make you attractive?

    I am sure it is, but the thing is you are too serious. You're acting like her girlfriend. Women don't date their girlfriends.

    Do you have any sexual tension/chemistry? If not, I doubt anything happens.

    I have no advice to give you because I think it's a no-go. If you make a move (which you should do with NEW women to guage their interest) she'll probably regret it, back off, tell you that she doesn't feel comfortable around you, etc. If you don't do anything, you'll continue being stuck on her and ignore all other women for quite some time. If you move slowly, well, you'll just be moving slow and not getting anywhere.

    You know, it was explained to me like this once:

    You are a baseball player, new on the team. And you go up to bat, and the pitcher strikes you out every time. So you go to the coach and tell him "Hey coach, I really want to be able to hit this pitcher, show me how to hit his fastball." The coach says "That's not the problem, you don't know how to hit ANYthing. You can't return any fastball. You need to learn how to hit every pitcher." You are stubborn, though, and you tell him "I don't care about any other pitcher, just teach me to hit this one."

    The problem is the next time you go to bat against the opposing team, it'll be a new pitcher and you'll strike out right away, and with every other pitcher you ever meet.

    You say you've never met a woman you liked, and I think it's because you are too nice of a guy.

    Go rent the DVD "The Tao of Steve" and see who you are most like. I bet you're like the dark haired young kid. I think you should also go to www.AskMen.com and read the DocLove forums, as well as consider going to www.DocLove.com and buying his $99 system. I think THAT would totally change your approach and life.

    Good luck!
     
  11. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I should add:

    Imagine this: You have a girl "friend" who you hang out with. She has some traits that you don't care for in a partner, such as she's too fat, too thin, too ugly, whatever. BUT, you get along with her really well. (Hi Annette!)

    (True story here):
    After hanging out with her for 2 years, I'm at lunch at the cafeteria. Annette's sitting down at the other end of the table, instead of coming over to hang out with me today. That's odd, I know that she usually comes over and hangs out. Instead, she sends a friend over. WTF? The friend tells me that Annette wanted her to ask me if I wanted to go to a movie together.

    Oh, I get it. She's fallen for me. Now she can't tell me. But I don't like her.

    So I told the friend "Tell Annette to come over here and ask herself!" So she goes back, tells Annette. She's all embarassed, but she comes over slowly. Holding her head down, she asks me out to a movie. Of course, I tell her "No way!" and she gets all annoyed, and then asks why! I tell her "Because you did not have the balls to ask me yourself." We bickered back and forth for a minute and then went back to normal.

    However, for the next few MONTHS she kept crushing on me. It was disgustingly stupid. She bought me presents, tried to hang out with me all the time, told me all these stupid compliments. Finally I had to tell her to knock it off.

    Bottom line: No matter WHAT she did, I would NEVER have dated her. NEVER!!!! She was a nice girl, and I wish I knew more women like her who ALSO met the rest of my standards.

    Your female friend will NEVER insult you and tell you your faults, like maybe you are too skinny (me), too tall (me), have red hair (me), or whatever. She will ALWAYS tell you what a wonderful guy you are because a woman can NEVER "hurt" another person - especially someone as fragile as a child - like you. Could you really take it if she told you something like "Oh, I could never sleep with you because you don't have a hairy chest." Or some other stupid reason?

    Annette finally found a guy who liked her - Daniel. They got married a few months later. Congrats to them. I am now engaged to a woman who is ten times more perfect than any woman I ever had a crush on. Don't be blind. Be a MAN.

    All I am saying is "Don't be Annette."
     
  12. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I agree with this, but you've got to do this on the first or second date at the latest. This guy is - what - a year or more in? Too little, too late.
     
  13. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    Good insight. I really appreciate it. I can tell you the type of guy I am. I am extremely assertive with what I want when I want it... but this pertains to new girls in my life. I am always the one to make moves and act upon a situation. This one in particular though is the one that has grown on me so it has clouded my judgement and has caused me to stop and think too much which in turn has probably fucked me over.
    We'll see what happens. Im going to test her mind a bit and I will probably get my answers from that.
    It's just too bad though. We both want the same thing. Emotionally, materialistically, etc. It just really sucks that this is the cliche of it all.

    I will keep you updated.
     
  14. Ruination

    Ruination New Member

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    Be very wary. There was someone in my life who I considered to be my best friend, and she broke my heart twice. Talk to her, be sure she has the same feelings in return or you'll be going down the same path as I did, and it has been one of the worst experiences I've ever had.
     
  15. cmendoza

    cmendoza New Member

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    Nick, I really think you should go where your heart leads you. If you go for it and she isn't into it then atleast you know that your paths were ment to meet and it is time to move on. Why waste all your time on a maybe/ possiblity. Not to sound gay but your a guy with a good head on your shoulders and have much to offer. Go for it keep me updated
     
  16. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    This is good advice. You DO need to find out, one way or the other. Just don't do anything that will destroy the friendship, because I did that once. Man, it took YEARS to get back as friends. That sucked. :wtc:

    Wondering is the worst place you can be. You need to KNOW.
     
  17. cmendoza

    cmendoza New Member

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    Well I see your point with out ruining the friendship but your going to reguardless. As much as you / the person says it won't it does. If she is saying no but is fine with being friends #1 she is going to think twice before opening up again / sharing ALL the details about guys and how she feels. Also #2 she is going to always think your trying to make moves on her / be extra friendly because you like her.

    Also on your part your not going to want to hear about guys because you wont' be able to get over her in a snap.
     
  18. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Hogwash. I don't want to hear your excuses. "I am extremely assertive with what I want when I want it." Quit defending yourself. I don't care if you are assertive in other area of your life, it has no bearing here. We are not attacking you, we are trying to help you with this situation and potentially other situations like this in the future. The fact is that you are not assertive with this woman, and you have only been trying to hint and hope she will take control of the situation by making either a move, or by giving you all of the signs she possibly can before you can muster enough balls to persue it. That's not assertive, that's weak.

    Poco is right, you should have made a clear attempt to find out where you stood with this girl from the very beginning. By clear attempt I mean she should have no doubt what you want and you should have made sure you got her clear answer. The longer you delay, and the longer you keep "hinting" then the more likely she is going to decide she has no interest, and the more time you will waste not know whether or not you have a chance.

    I gave you advice because I don't think you will give up without an answer, so quit hinting and get your answer now. That way, if you get any answer from her besides a "yes", then you know she is not interested. I don't care what her excuse is, if it is not a yes, then move on.
     
  19. skid13

    skid13 New Member

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    This isn't the movies, best friends don't magically wake up one day and realize they love each other. It's a terrible thing, but is is life. If you can't get over these feelings then maybe you should just end relations because it is no use kidding yourself.
     
  20. $shot

    $shot OT Supporter

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    your advice in these threads seem so negative.. i'm going to have to disagree with nearly everything you are saying


    edit: just read more of your responses.. negative was a harsh word, pessimistic seems a little more along the lines. also, i agree with the non-negative things you advised
     
  21. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    this requires a quip from my signature. She's telling you about everything she wants in a guy, but, it isn't you, as evidenced by the fact that she politely ignored your comment about you being everything she wants.

    Fact of the matter is, women don't know what they want. They know what they think they want, but, without the physical attraction, its all moot. And they don't have a clue what gives them that physical attraction (unless they're being honest with themselves)

    Face it, you're stuck in friendsville, accept it (if you can) and move on, or suffer in misery, as I, and likely many other OTers have.

    And now for the quote:
     
  22. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Agreed.

    Women speak with actions, not words. I recommend you pretty much ignore everything out of her mouth, and watch what she does instead.

    If you're so great, she would never have let it go this far. Next time she says that, call her a liar. Tell her "You're so full of it. If you thought I was so perfect, you'd be all over me!" Be playful, be nice, but tell the truth - you're a MAN and men don't hint.
     
  23. $shot

    $shot OT Supporter

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    i'm kind of confused about the, "if you're so great, she would never have let it go this far" part. he thinks very highly of her, and he has let it go this far :dunno:
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2005
  24. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    All I meant by that is that - in my opinion and experiences - when a woman likes a man, she makes it known she wants him - right away! It's hard not to notice when a woman is crawling in your lap and asking for your phone number... or kissing you.

    She didn't do that, though, so she sees him as a "girlfriend" and not a man. Basically, she was not interested in him enough to form a intimate relationship, so now he's just friends with her. And just like you would never start dating that "Nice girl who's a little too overweight/skinny/blonde/whatever for your tastes" just because you've known her for 2 years, neither will she start dating him.

    She's just not interested that way, and the sooner a guy stops fixating on one woman, the sooner he can meet another better one.
     

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