SRS What to do about an introvert/religious?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Das_Ubermensch, Apr 16, 2005.

  1. Das_Ubermensch

    Das_Ubermensch OT Supporter

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    Does anyone know someone like this? My gf (now ex gf) is an extreme introvert, not just to the level of social shyness but to the point where she will choose to shut people out of her life who love and care about her. Over the course of the 5+ years we dated I saw her shut everyone out of her life, from close girlfriends, to her parents, and eventually me.

    I think this is a problem becuae throughout the course of her relationships with people, routine disputes upset her, and her reaction isnt to tell the person that they have offended her or try to discuss the problem, but to shut them out of her life altogether. Not usually a problem with someone who is an acquaintance, but I think that something is wrong when you are trying to terminate your relationship with people who genuinely love and care about you.

    Throughout the course of our relationship, she routinley has shut me out and tried to terminate our relationship and friendship for various reasons, but always suddenly, leaving me to wonder WTF and spend months repairing the friendship. She doesnt have any close friends (other than me). She has also tried to shut her parents out, and even spent an extea 2 years away in college because and did not want to move home after graduation. She basically considered them excommunicated but tolerable, because they paid her tuition and some bills.

    I had a recent talk with her dad, whom I know pretty well, and he mentioned that she never discussed any of her problems with him. I told him that she was the same way with me. In the past few months she has turned to the church (Christian), was "saved" and it seems like she has placed religion in the place of her relationships with people. I am not sure why she felt the need to be "saved" in the first place, but I suspect it may have been a sort of emotional loneliness caused by her shutting out her friends and family, and a need to somehow legitimize the bad feelings she feeels inside afterwards.

    The latest thing (and the reason that we broke up) is that she has come to believe that people who dont share her faith are basically heathens and should be excommunicated, regardless of the fact that they love and care about her no matter what her religious beliefs are. I dont know if this makes sense, but I can tell that when she shuts people out it makes her feel hurt and miserable, but now its as if she is using religion to justify why it is right to shut people out and to legitimize the hurt she feels afterwards as a sort of necessary or sacred suffering. It basically lets her avoid confronting the problem that she shouldnt shut loved ones out to begin with.

    I basically hinted at this, that god shouldnt replace her relatioinship with loved ones, but that there should be a balance, and it turned into "You dont believe in my god/you dont take precedence over god/god says I shouldnt even be with you/you are a heathen who has cost me blessings/even though I know you love me I never want to speak to you again"

    She honestly seems to believe that no one loves or cares about her, when in fact people do but she cant see it because she is shutting them out. And the religion is just another factor, making it impossible to question what she is doing without offending her and leading her to the problematic behavior.

    Wondering if anyone has had experience dealing with a person like this and what can be done if anything. Honestly I love this girl and am willing to give it a try, but only because her family seems to understand and because we all will be patient because we lover her and want to see her happy.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Yeah lol , i can see her point completely. Only God can save her know if you know what i mean. Its very easily explained to you actually, people like this we call them hermits. They shut themselves out and completely devote themselves to God because they think its the 'right' thing to do. Yeah that's nasty, and quite frankly the solution to cope with this, is to fight fire with fire.

    -Even jesus came to the unbelievers
    -Jesus didn't say that faithfull and unfaithfull couldn't or shouldn't marry.
    -God loves everyone, even me , so why don't you?
    -Life and religion is about your loving interaction with others, not hiding yourself in a closet.

    yada yada yada, you can say all kinds of these controversies to her. Since she is introvert she will shut herself off,but she WILL keep thinking about those things you said, she will keep trying to let them make sense with her own view on the world. When she sees that her views are incorrect she wil LASH out to you and get angry. In which you have to say things in terms that it is her OWN FAULT, that she is living in a box, and never is affectionate towards the people who love her,and that she is trying to find a God , while she is leaving her bf to rot on the ground. That you don't mind her believing in God, but that she shouldn't neglect you or her family, tell her you are interested in what's going on in her, tell her that you aren't out to hurt her, that if she would give you a chance and if she would open herself up to at least you, as a start. And if she still doesn't want to open up to you , tell her that she should become a nun and that you hope she doesn't choke in her lonelyness, if you did all that and she stil doesn't budge i would give it up. It would mean she has jesus as her bf not you.
     
  3. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    ouch.... This is a PROBLEM. I should know, I suffered from virtually the same condition for many years. Here's the thing. She feels both unloved, and underserving of love. She expects others to treat her badly, and, the slightest thing (even if not intended) will confirm her belief. She will shut everyone out so that they don't hurt her.

    But here's the catch. She's really, truly, lonely. She WANTS love. She NEEDS love. That is why she kept trying to repair your relationships.

    She cannot see that SHE is the one preventing love from reaching her. She hears your words but does not feel them.

    The religion is her new solution. See, God can love you, and can't ever reject you (or so she thinks) If she follows the same trend as me, she'll eventually see betrayal even from God.

    For the time being, join her. Go to church with her. Tell her that, for her, you're willing to open your mind to God, and have her bring you along.

    That sort of unexpected contrition just may crack her armor and allow her to believe for a second that maybe, just maybe, you do love her.

    Don't be disappointed if it doesn't however.

    In terms of long-term solution, I cannot say. I know nothing anyone ever said or did got through to me. I somehow stumbled on a path out, (although I'm still not out entirely) but for the life of me, I cannot tell you what I did or thought.

    Bear in mind, the harder you try to prove you love her, the less she'll believe you.

    It'll be extremely hard, harder than any person has a right to expect from another, and so I wouldn't fault you if you gave up and moved on, you have a right to be happy too.

    If you do tough it out.... only thing I can suggest is general helps.... BE with her (dont try to make her SEE your love, just love her)... if she asks, answer honestly... try to be there to help her through all the tough points, but, at the same time, insist she walk on her own two feet.

    If you want more case by case help, feel free to msg me (on here, MSN ([email protected]), ICQ(3475400)) I'll try to, at the very least, cheer you enough, and perhaps even counsel you some with the Christianity aspects

    PS.... what brand of christianity? While most christians are counselled to avoid non-christians in their personal lives (to avoid corrupting influences), they are still encouraged to reach out to non-believers and try to bring them to god
     
  4. Das_Ubermensch

    Das_Ubermensch OT Supporter

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    Not sure what you mean by "brand", I am not Christian myself so dont know much about it. But basically the church she goes to is one that tells people that the only way they can save themselves from hell is to be "saved", dedicate their life to jesus, repent, teach others the "truth", the bible is the only infallible word of god, etc. Really messed up stuff IMO for what it can do to a mentally vulnerable person.

    I would agree with you that she is lonley, she went through a period where she didnt speak to me for almost a year, refused to call or answer calls, but I was eventually able to break through to her and we got back together. She admitted that she was very lonley during this time, but she couldnt see that I was never mad at her for anything, and that all she had to do to feel not lonley was give me a call.

    Honestly I would like to just step away from this altogether, but I dont think that is what you should do to someone who you consider a friend.
     
  5. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    there's denominations of christianity... catholic, baptist, protestant, jehovas witness, etc, etc, etc (many many denominations) teachings vary somewhat from type to type... and, as i said, i wont fault you for leaving
     
  6. Das_Ubermensch

    Das_Ubermensch OT Supporter

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    oh, I thought you meant something different. The church she goes to claims to be non-denominational.
     
  7. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    that's just its own denomination lol
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I love how she is using Jesus as an excuse to break up.

    Either its a phony ploy :rolleyes: or she actually believes that this is "costing her blessings" and Jesus is frowning on her. :rolleyes:

    Either way, she sounds like she's 11 years old. Emotionally, if not chronologically.
    Hope it's worth the trouble.
     

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