SRS What good is $ if I'm socially inept? (29 and never been kissed) HELP!

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by C Dos, C Dos Run, Mar 27, 2004.

  1. I'm 29, making $75k in the computer field, and i am the stereotypical geek.

    i have very few aquaintances, no true friends, and a loner by trait. i spend my free time playing video games, in front of the computer, or watching tv.

    I've had sex, but with hookers (condoms). and i do not ever want to kiss them since i dont know where their mouth's been.

    I know Step 1: go out and meet people.

    but WHERE??? just hang out at a bar a few weeks till u get to know the regulars? Or...???

    Suggestions pls?!

    UPDATE:
    it's been a month now, and no improvement :(

    eye contact isn't any better. after a week, i'm back to my old self :( i've stopped remembering to immediately look the next person in the eye when i don't look the previous i was talking to in the eye.

    w/o the ability to automatically look people in the eye contact, i dont see how i can get out and be social :( i see eye contact as the KEY to being social. Without eyecontact, i cant see anyway to get past the first step :(

    i'll give the non-drug route a little bit more time, then i'm switching to a psychiatrist to see if there's any prescription drugs that can help me. (eye contact, depression, anger, frustration, etc)

    sigh...


    UPDATE2:

    ok..giving a psychologist another try. not quitting my job. as someone pointed out, i need my current job to pay for him.

    i'm talking to him about self esteem. he said don't feel bad about failures. acknowledge them, then move on. we're all human and we all screw up. we shouldnt beat ourselves up. next visit i'm going to talk about how lack of eye contact makes me feel. any better suggestions as the topic for my next visit?

    there's a psychiatrist in the same practice. i might make an appt to see him about drugs.

    i am afraid to approach people because of my lack of eye contact. i just never succeed in making a good impression. i guess rejection and looking stupid is my fear. I know Paxil is for social anxiety, but will it help in my situation? if so, HOW???


    UPDATE 3 (9/04):

    my psychologist diagnosed me with ADHD. went to a psychiatrist to get ritalin. went back to my phychologist to verify that i have ADHD by taking the blinking cursor test on the computer (forgot name). I took the test w/o ritalin, then a week later took it again w/Ritalin. my scores improved moderately thus verifying that i have ADHD. (normal people's scores do no improve, or just very slightly.)

    also, i thought my lack of eye contact was caused by my social anxiety. my psychiatrist looked at it another way. my social anxiety might have been caused by my inability to do eye contact. chicken and the egg...

    anyway, he said ritalin should improve my concentration, which in turn should improve my eye contact. he started me off w/5mg 3x/day and said i can double the dosage after 10 days, then goto 15mg after another 10days if i feel like i need it.

    well, the 1st couple of days worked great. i felt wired, and was making eye contact. then it stopped and eye contact went back to lousy again.

    i have not noticed any difference w/10mg. will try 15mg next week.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2004
  2. Gandin

    Gandin New Member

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    Maybe you should stop being a geek? I mean, it's cool to be into computers and such, but if you know you are a geek, why don't you try to be a little less geeky. I dunno what you mean exactly by stereotypical geek, if that's dress, or ideals, or personality, or all of the above. I would just try to get you there, meet girls anywhere really, and if you find a chance, take it, you got nothing to lose... you are already very successful. Go to bars if you like, go with a friend or two. I dunno, go have fun, not fun as in digital video game fun, but social fun.
     
  3. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    There are girls out there for geeks. They are not to be found in bars.

    I suggest you just get some interests other than computers. One way or another, you have to practice talking to people. Once you make yourself do it, you'll be learning social skills. At first, you'll find yourself wondering whether you even like the people you're hanging out with. Work on being interested in them in SOME way, and enjoying them on that basis.

    You have to get out there and be amongst others, somehow.

    You probably code alot, or whatever you do with computers. Ever thought about doing that in a coffee shop? Thats what people do now adays. They work on their notebooks and drink coffee and eat muffins (unless you're obese). Do this. As you do, you'll get used to being around others in public. I think this would be a good idea for you. Go to 4 or 5 coffee shops before you choose yours. Oh, I DO NOT mean Starbucks here. Find independants or a local chain. Once you're comfortable in these places, you can meet people there.

    Thats my idea. I am also a computer dork. I was much like you until I was 17. I can relate. But at 29, if you've got that much social anxiety... you will be better at aquiring social skills if you have someone helping you. Go to a psychologist. It will all happen faster that way.
     
  4. redspydaman

    redspydaman Bresil, mon coeur. Brasil, meu coração

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    There is no reason to hang out at a bar to meet people. It's a waste of time.
    I concur on the coffeeshop recommendation.

    Also add going to the gym to the list of things you should do. Not to meet people, but to do something that helps your self image.

    When you feel healthy, you look healthy, it really shows. It shows in the way you walk, the way you enter a room. It makes a world of difference, and women respond to that. So my first recommendation is get a gym membership, and commit to working out 3-4 times a week.
     
  5. Blood Moon

    Blood Moon Guest

    Try online dating. You might find women that might have the same interests you have.

    By the way if i were you i would forget about dating and meeting people. Been there, done that, at the end i felt dissapointed. But if you want to go out there and meet people well go get 'em tiger. You can do it. :bigthumb:
     
  6. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    I second the gym recommendation. It'll either net me a woman or it won't, but I'm fitter, stronger and healthier since I started going - not to mention happier with life. Feeling great just makes you more confident in life too and chicks notice that.

    Don't waste your time with having a g/f for the sake of having one. I've been single 4 years, sometimes gets me down but then I realise i could be stuck with some troll... or going from woman to woman. meh. I'll wait for a decent one :p
     
  7. NoXeN

    NoXeN You can find me up on one

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    pick up magazines like maxim or fhm..good for fashion tips and everything else
     
  8. What's wrong with Starbucks?

    Don't want the stigma of me going to a shrink. any other way to learn social skills?

    hell, i dont even look people in the eye when i talk :( and i don't know how to fix that :(
     
  9. What's wrong with Starbucks?

    Don't want the stigma of me going to a shrink. any other way to learn social skills?

    hell, i dont even look people in the eye when i talk :( when i talk or shen the other person talks, i'm looking up/down/left/right/any where but their eyes. and i don't know how to fix that :( i would like it to be automatic, like program myself to instantly look into someone's eyes when either of us are talking. but dont know how :(
     
  10. NoXeN

    NoXeN You can find me up on one

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    force yourself to
     
  11. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Okay, you're seriously reminding me of the untreated social anxiety/tic disorder/bipolar depressive/ADHD/borderline me of a few years ago (NO, not all those like you're thinking... more like my own diagnosis/disorder characterized by enough elements of all those that I could land a diagnosis for any of them... lucky me ;)).

    1) You no doubt have a whole lot of thoughts about different inadequacies that you have that prevent you from doing X or Y things. What you must realize, or rather, SEEK to realize, is that most of these things stem from a root cause: a terrible, low self image. You think you're shit. And if influences everything you think and do.

    I'll go one further and say that you don't think you're shit when you pull off a particularly elegant hack. When the skills you've aquired by long hours in front of the screen pay off big time and you get a couple days (for a normal person) work done in a couple hours, create a particularly elegant solution to a problem, or analysis of a system, I bet you feel GREAT. I bet you get literally high. In that realm, I bet you feel safe, secure, and even superior. Understand that you've taken shelter in computers and networks, and that the key thing for you to do is to achieve balance in your life.

    BALANCE will help you look people in the eye, it will help you have enough sac to go to a pshrink because you don't give two shits about "stigma." BALANCE means doing different things, things that give you confidence the way that your computer shit does, but in other areas of your life.

    Exercise has been mentioned. Exercise is a KEY COMPONENT of balance. And you know what? EXERCISE WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER HACKER. I'm not joking. There is this huge culture of bodily neglect in the computer dork community. Eat like shit, suck down caffiene (JOLT tastes like shit...), and don't sleep until you finish your code. In a culture obsessed with intelligence, and made up of people that are all convinced that THEY are the smartest .0000001% of humanity... you'd think there would be more sense than this, because EXERCISE MAKES YOU SMARTER.

    I'm serious. Try going to the gym on your lunch hour, and doing some ass busting cardio for an hour. Steam, sauna, whatever (I like to do my design and planning in here)... shower down, then go back to work. Start back on whatever you were working on. Note how much more you are getting done.

    So, exercise will make you a better dork. It will also make you happier and more confident, in a direct, neurochemical way. To put it simply, exercise "washes the brain" free of shit that makes you unhappy. That is an extreme simplification, but it a pretty damned good analogy.

    Okay, I have more... but I am also a dork, and I must now go to work, because I need to do packet diagrams on an undocumented protocol, and then create state diagrams of said protocol, so that I can refer to these as I strip down their protocol stack for... well, you get the point. I gotta go to work.

    So far we've covered: PSYCHOLOGIST (simply because if you go to one, you will progress faster while you work on yourself, on your own), COFFEE SHOPS (bring your notebook, get some work done, enjoy the coffee, get used to being in public and feeling comfortable), EXERCISE (lift weights, play basketball, ride a bike, do cardio... get winded).

    More later.
     
  12. redspydaman

    redspydaman Bresil, mon coeur. Brasil, meu coração

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    Basically, to condense what everyone is telling you. Nevermind getting a girlfriend, do NOt make it your lifes quest.

    make your life's quest to improve you. FOR you, not to affect how others percieve you. Understand the difference?

    Once you feel good about yourself, everyone else around you will feel it too.

    and one MAJOR way to feel better about yourself is to be healthier, be more fit.

    and Peyomp is dead on about finding balance. It's really not as hard it sounds, just hit the gym and everything will follow. Give yourself some time. Don't go overboard attempting to change every aspect of your life just be you, abet a fitter and healthier you. No one likes someone that is over compensating.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You make your own reality.

    And, you're a HUGE leap ahead of the usual losers who claim to be completely without motivation, got no job, living in some disgusting place, sleep till noon and generally layabout and whine about why they can't understand why no girl wants them.

    You've got a high-paying job. Great. That will fund a nice warchest to enable your transformation into the new you, who incidentally, is a lot like the old you, just with some polishing and confidence thrown in there.

    You're going to have to forget the hookers (dead end path, leads you away from real connection) and the bars (you can meet people there, but it ain't easy to separate the good from the bad, and you need to start slow)

    And, obviously forget the video games. (which you already realize)

    So...
    You need to develop three things:
    1) social confidence
    2) polish your image
    3) make new friends

    I suggest going the gym, or joining a non or semi-competitive sports club. Say, sign up for lessons at local tennis club. I also suggest finding out if your workplace has afterwork social things they do. Join in.

    Think about a hobby you'd like to pursue. Something that involves other people. Go take lessons in that hobby. You meet girls all over the place. If you are just looking for a hookup -- maybe the bar would be ok. However, I think you're looking for something with more substance, AND more friends in general, not only sex. This will take more work, but the reward is commensurately greater.

    Now, others suggest that you don't need a girlfriend to get along. That is absolutely true. HOWEVER, from what you wrote, seems like you're existing on a diet of emotional junk food.

    Going to hookers as a long-term strategy isn't a good idea. I'm not talking about the monetary cost.
    I'm talking about WHY you've only been with hookers. I've nothing against hookers -- what I'm saying is that you're describing a certain emotional alientation and isolation which has resulted in your needing to pay for female company. That isn't good. It isn't healthy.
     
  14. 9volt

    9volt If you see me running, try to keep up

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    if you have trouble looking at people's eyes, look at their eyebrows. they can't tell the difference.
     
  15. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Why not go to a Starbucks?

    Because the kind of people that would rather go to a unique local coffeeshop... they're the kinda people that are more likely to appreciate Mr. 29-never-been kissed. ;)
     
  16. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Don't want the stigma of going to a shrink? WHO IS GOING TO KNOW??
    Is it any worse that the stigma of being 29 and never been kissed by a girl?

    I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities. You don't have to call it "going to a shrink" Anyways, that would be quite unnecessary -- you don't need a psychiatrist. There's nothing really wrong with you-- not pathological in nature that would require a psychiatrist.

    You could benefit from seeing a family therapist. Many workplaces offer free, confidental employee counselling. You may wish you make use of that.

    Obviously you don't go in saying, "Help me score chicks". You simply make an appointment to talk about your life and how you feel your lack of interpersonal skills are making you unhappy. Let the therapist take it from there.
     
  17. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I recommended a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. This ain't a guy I'd think they'd throw pills at. He needs cognitive behavioral therapy, and maybe some meds at some point if his psychologist/MS/whatever thinks so.
     
  18. coolchrisrm

    coolchrisrm Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

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    Why is that toy on your head?
    you know why you are socially inept, i mean you realize you don't make eye contact, yet you should

    if looking someone in the eyes is tough, just look at their eyes to see what color they are, no one will ridicule you for making eye contact, seriously don't sweat it, and hey pretend some girls says "why are you staring at my eyes?" you: "i just can't believe how pretty they are" she'll be flattered

    but seriously if you know you have social problems, you knwo why you have them, just deal with one thing each day, work gradually, you can do it :hs:
     
  19. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You can patch small leaks all day long. Unless he gets to the source of the problem, WITH A THERAPIST, he ain't gettin out of the nerd shell. He's 29 guys. Slighyly more set in his ways than a teenager. Think about it.
     
  20. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    Dude, don't sweat the stigma of seeing a shrink.

    Imagine if the cops bust you with a hooker that you found on the street, impound your car and put your name in the newspaper for soliciting a hooker like they do in chula vista, ca; then you're really not going to worry about the stigma of a shrink.

    Let's be honest here, you have definate social issues that you need to work on, and by seeing a professional who can give you tried-and-true tips, but also work out your anxieties with you, is the smartest way to go. You seem like an OK guy with a decent job who means and does well... many women want that too. The ball's in your court on this one...
     
  21. Dark-Hawk

    Dark-Hawk New Member

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    Go out to clubs or something man, find your self another hobby asside from playing computer games. I'm a computer geek too but hey you wouldn't know it talking to me in real life (17 years old running a computer company). Find something else that interests you ASSIDE from the computer. Snowboarding/Skiing, music (play the drums, guitar, etc, etc?), dancing (break dancing, regular dancing, etc), something man. Go out to clubs and meet some people. Hell hit up the gym and start bulking up some if you don't think you're that big, or in that good of shape. Maybe there's a sport you could take up, plenty of things for adults to do, Volley ball at gyms, Soccer, Football, etc, etc. And dude stop hitting it with the Hookers.. Nasty shit there.
     
  22. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    Get a Corvette it will attract alot of attention. lol I have one and people are always talking to me and I love it. You dont even have to be social, it draws everyone to you. You have the money, might I suggest A) 1981 StingRay or B) 98 Corvette Both are under 20k in min condtion :) But if you are really that un social then you wont be able to force your self to go to things, you need to some how get a really good social friend like I did in middle school that saved me from a life of sitting any home playing computer games. I go to parties all the time now and I even go by my self when every one is busy. I roll up to parties in my vette alone.
     
  23. C4

    C4 OT OG Aussie #1

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    some good advice in this thread - however i suggest NOT using the internet or computers in any way to find women. Its not going to help your social skills at all.

    Definately the best idea is joining a gym.

    you get fit, look better, feel better, etc just as everyone has said in here already, plus you have all the honeys in there to motivate you to work harder :bigok:

    Oh, and if you have a friend who has a sister, or have a female friend. Be serious, and ASK THEM to go shopping with you to hook you up with afemale-approve wardrobe, and not the dilbert type shit you mightwear :bigthumb:

    good luck manuel.
     
  24. el_gato_negro

    el_gato_negro New Member

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    I'm in the same boat, C. I'm 26 and untouched. I've been trying to find that special someone lately (I haven't even been looking for years). It hurts like shit - they all seem to like me at first, and then they just ignore me.

    I met a great geek girl a little while ago. I thought I'd finally hit big.

    She's doing the same thing. It hurts more this time. It shouldn't, but it does. It's like...even amongst my own kind, I'm a reject. So what the hell is a fella to do? I shouldn't be losing sleep over someone I just met. I'm beginning to think therapy is a good idea.

    (Up to the minute update: she signed on as I was writing. I said hi, and she signs off after a minute or so of not saying anything. Probably just ignored me.)

    So, yeah...I can attract 'em easily enough. I can drive 'em away even more easily. I don't even have money to fall back on. Oh well.

    Good luck, brother!
     
  25. NoXeN

    NoXeN You can find me up on one

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    thatd attract the wrong kind of attention IMO
     

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