SRS What do you do when you've grown apart?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Exiled, Feb 12, 2008.

  1. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    As some of you know, i've been dating this vietnamese girl. Definitely a culture shock and I dont exactly know how to describe that one but she was really into me for a while. To be honest, I could just be paranoid I dont know.


    Before she left I was helping her get shit ready, I ended up driving her to the airport, lugging her luggage to the ticket dude (her luggage was so heavy and I didn't know I had to carry it a mile, I was sweating like crazy when we got there). I basically hanged out with her until she went through that checkpoint where only people with Tickets can go. I gave her a little kiss and said have a good trip yadda yadda and when I got to my truck she text my phone that she was got teary eyed as she watched me leave and was crying a little bit.

    That made me feel damn good! (Is that wrong? heh).

    Anyway, she's gone for 2 months, it's been a month now and things have changed a little bit. It's VERY difficult to get in contact with her via phone because for some reason the signal is garbage. There are random times it's good though, with that said.. it's been 2 weeks and I haven't talked to her on the phone once.

    I've texted, because we can do that but it's progressed into say.. I'll text her, and I wont hear from her. Then, one day i'll get a message saying something very random about something.

    When she first got to vietnam she would give me the play by play, im doing this.. im doing that.. etc.. she even told me she didn't want to be there and that she wanted to come back early (mainly I would imagine because she had a boyfreind now and wanted to be with him).

    Now it seems she's having a blast, maybe so much of a blast she really doesn't care to talk to me. I've tried calling her, sometimes she'll answer and i'll hear a couple words before the connection dies and i'll text her and sometimes I get a response but.. it seems maybe we're growing very far apart and I dont like it.


    So, what do you think? One part of me wants to say "what the fuck?" and the other wants to just.. say fuck it, and just ignore it and wait for her to get back and go from there. It's been a very long time since i've been in a relationship, I really dont like shooting from the hip on situations like this because just this morning I texted her again and thought to myself "It's been so long since i've heard this girls voice"..

    I hate that, I dont know what to say to her, dont know what to do. Im either going to sit around and do nothing or im going to say something and I dont want to make a mistake either way and I dont have anyone to talk to in my real life about relationship advice. I know iwishyouwerebeer is a pro on relationships and a lot of you others

    What do you think?


    p.s I think I should've made this thread earlier.

    The last communication I got was these

    Lastnight before I went to bed I text "Goodnight! Lov ya!" and then right after I got "Me too. goodnight honey".

    Then in the morning when I woke up (night time there for her) I got "What u doing? Call me when you have some time! Hate you heheheh".

    The hate you thing is an inside joke..

    Anway, im rambling..
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    you sound like you live in different areas and timezones so its natural that you would grow apart, because you are apart.

    Just sit back, wait, talk to her when you can. tell her you love her. wait for her to come back.
     
  3. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Yeah that sounds like a good thing to do I guess, like I said.. im probably just paranoid since for the past 2 days i've been sick as a dog at work bored with nothing to do.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    1) Don't hound her.

    2) Don't wait around hanging on her every little shred of communication.

    3) and most lastly, don't let her believe you're waiting around, hanging on her every little shred of communication.


    This last point is most important.
     
  5. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    and you havent 'grown apart' you are just living in 2 different places
     
  6. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Its seperation anxiety, everyone gets it. It is possible that she is growing apart but it'll only get worse if she knows you are worried. Play it cool man, real cool. Go out and have fun in your own time zone.
     
  7. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Two months isn't long enough for a couple to drift apart. She might be very busy and needs some space. It sucks that you two aren't able to talk, but that's not her fault. If she's really into you, everything will be cool when she gets back, and you know that she's coming back. The worst thing that you can do to yourself is worry.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :mamoru: You are cute. Anywho, please please believe me that I am not trying to be negative and not trying to pick on you. This very well could be just seperation anxiety on your part...but I feel it's more than that. Based on everything else you've said about this girl she's very selfish and I don't think at the end of the day she is devoted to this relationship as much as you.

    If I was really into someone (say my bf) and I was going on a trip for 2 months you better believe no matter how "busy" or how much fun I was having I'd be keeping the lines of communication open. It's understandable to go maybe 2 days without talking on the phone due to cost and reception...but a week? When I went to Europe in August for 2 weeks I called my boyfriend every other day and texted in between. I was having the time of my life, but I was still miserable without him.

    I'm not trying to make you feel worse...it's just I don't trust this girl at all from everything you've written about her and your relationship. Obviously the best thing you can do now is calm down and not try to contact her so much. Let her try to contact you. If she doesn't...I think you've honestly got to rethink how much she's worth to you.
     
  9. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Yeah, i've been rethinking that for the past couple of days, she's becoming less appealing to me by doing this type of shit. She's mentioned to me before about how her culture is very different than american culture and it's shown but still.

    There are a couple of things to think about here though that kind've make things a little "off" on what you said (which is dead on to me).

    She didn't marry that guy for me so she HAS to be thinking some sort of long term with me because her mom was really pissed off, she shot her parents and the family down because of me on the marriage thing which made her family pissed at her. She borderline lost her virginity to me (dont ask me about why I say borderline). I've helped her mom twice since she's been gone bringing her places etc. I've actually gave her (her, not her mom) 500 bucks cause she was in a bind in Vietnam trying to get her teeth finished (she needed dental work I guess). It is the chinese new year over there so she said that's part of it I imagine. I dont want to say it's coincidence that after that she doesn't get in touch with me more but maybe now that she's able to get out of the house she's really busy (the fuck do I know, right?)

    I mean, im going to give her a call tonight and hopefully get to talk to her but beyond that phone call im going to follow your advice to make her work a little bit I think. I dont want to give this the light of day if I dont have too, the fact that I even bring this up isn't really a good thing but when this relationship crumbles im sure you'll say I told you so, hehe..
     
  10. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    I don't really know what kind of advise to offer but if it doesn't feel right, then babe- it probably isn't.
     
  11. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    I kind've want to go out on a limb and say she really doesn't care for me anymore and we're pretty much hosed, time will tell on this one though I guess who the hell knows i'm pissed off and she isn't talking to me. Maybe I was the american guy she was giving a shot and now that she's back in vietnam with all her friends things have changed in her mind. Doesn't sound right to me, I tried to call her 2 times tonight and both times she answered and couldn't hear a word I said.

    I texted her and told her I couldn't hear her and to call me maybe that will work and it's been an hour and she hasn't even responded.

    I am thinking of texting her and just saying "I'll just talk to you when you get back in the US". I know it's rash but, maybe she'll get the idea that I am not going to sit and try and get in touch with her anymore.

    I dont know, frustrating, sick of going through women like this.. I just want one to be able to put up with my shit. I can put up with anything.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    All I can say it :uh: My bf needs his teeth fixed, and well after a year and a half I still wouldn't give him $500 towards fixing his teeth. It's not your job to be so accomodating. :mamoru: I actually just told him this and he laughed because he would never even ask me for that kind of money, even now.

    Anywho, I'll appreciate an update. If you do realize the relationship isn't worth all the effort you're putting into it I'll still be here with a :hug:
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    STOP! You've done far too much, you have got to see that. You are the one constantly trying to get ahold of her. And I know you want to talk to her but she's had plenty of chances to make the effort sweetie. You have got to wake up and notice that. DO NOT call or text her again.

    You also have to realize that you do this to yourself. You choose these women and you pretty much bend over backwards for them when you shouldn't be at all. This is what I've been trying to get you to see since your first post about this girl and any girls in your past. You can say all day long "why do girls always like the asshole!?" until you are blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is girls like "assholes" because they are actually a challenge. And you an fight that that's an awful truth but it just is. Most girls don't want a guy who has nothing to live for but his girlfriend.
     
  14. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Crow- you've already made your decision :hs: Do what's best for you... we're here to support you.
     
  15. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Yeah I dont plan on having any communication with her anymore... you're right beer, she is completely ignoring me now and i'll make my opinion on that known through my silence.

    I just wish this wouldn't have happened like this. I wish it would've happened over the phone or in person, not through stupid text messaging. I never should have givin her money.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Of course, everyone deserves that kind of respect, especially you....it just shows what kind of person she is. She's a selfish child still. We can assume it's due to her different culture but I doubt whatever, the fact of the matter is she is being a real biotch.
     
  17. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Ive gone through breakups in the past and im tellin ya, when you have people to talk to about it.. it's 10 times easier. This morning I woke up expecting some sort of text or missed call but nothing, she didn't call, text.. etc.. and I thought to myself "what a cunt" and it made things easier considering I gave this chick my HARD earned money and helped her and her mom while she's been gone.


    Here was my rude awakening.

    This morning because reading on this forum has taught me a little bit about of how people act with a gal and what kind've "men" they want etc. I am a different person all day, I have to be this corporate guy during the day and when I get off work I have to be a teacher to people (I teach brazillian jiujitsu) and when im with her, talking with her or whatever I honestly dont want to be a teacher, i dont want to be anything but me and that honestly isn't what a lot of girls want hehe. I'm just a kid in my heart, I still play video games and once a month whenever I can I like to get out and drink with my old highschool buddies.. Though when I was with her helping call her phone company because they are overcharging her a month or we're out to dinner, a movie.. etc i'm of course what you would expect, but it's under the sheets, behind the closed door that I didn't think you had to be that guy.



    I guess it's dawning on me and I hate the fact that it's becoming more and more obvious what you gals want out of a "mate". Guess that's life, another thing that just doesn't seem right to me, but is in every way.

    Heh
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2008
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's not even that you have to change yourself though. It's just you have to handle things almost always a little differently in the beginning of a relationship. You also have to kind of accept that there are so many women in this world, all of them have different qualities. Casually dating for a while could be very beneficial for you. When a girl falls in love with you it's a different story.

    Just an example. When I met my bf I didn't want a relationship whatsoever, so I was very aloof with him about what I wanted. I guess he was really into me because well I could tell and he always called and wanted to hang out. This scared me a little bit. Then one day he stopped calling so much, and I became intrigued. ME! The girl who doesn't fall for this shit. I started calling him more and he started being a little more "busy." I was immediately more attarcted to him. He's a super nice guy but he's not a pushover-there's a huge difference.

    He's a total goofball, and I mean goofball. I'm practically :rofl: and :rolleyes: at him all the time (he can atest to this). He, like you, has an actual life but also enjoys to unwind and have fun by playing video games. My point is it took a bit of playign on his part, but once he had me hooked he had me hooked, I love his qualities. I don't know you personally of course, but I can guess that you come on too strong in the beginning and are just choosing and committing yourself to the wrong kinds of women. I've seen you, you are damn attractive and I know a lot of girls would like to get with a brazillian jiujitsu trainer who might have a fun personality.
     
  19. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    I think IWYWB hit the head on the nail.

    You need to understand and accept what is going on. Not only do you need to swallow the truth, you also need to digest it. Until you not only tell yourself the situation, but understand it as well, is when you'll really take a step back and realize your position in this.

    You're a good guy. You're trying your hardest, for a long time now. It's time to realize that even though she might be perfect for you, maybe she isn't worth it.

    Why?

    Cause your value is higher.

    "If you love something, set it free. If it was destined, it'll come back."
     
  20. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Thanks very much


    Right before valentines day too :wtc:
     
  21. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    :hug:
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Well you never know. Watch she calls you tomorrow to wish you Happy Valentine's Day and then you are really confused :mamoru: And dont worry about it being V-Day, it's a stupid "holiday" anyway. You can be romantic anytime.
     
  23. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    I think if she did that my head would literally explode after all this. I wouldn't put it passed her but I doubt it, she's got no interest in me.

    Either way my mood has been set for the next week, heh.


    What should I do on valentines day? Im with you on the "another fuckin holiday" thing but... should I text her and say happy valentines day tomorrow night before I go to bed? (assuming I dont hear from her still)
     
  24. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    In response to my last message me: Why do you ignore me, you want to be single?

    Got a message from her "What does ignore mean? Please tell me, I didn't say that I wanted to be single why do you think that?"


    ..

    I just dont get this

    Can someone mail me a manual?
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Stop contacting her.

    Edit: NOT EVEN ON VALENTINE'S DAY!
     

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