what do I do?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by ef, Jan 11, 2006.

  1. ef

    ef New Member

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    I've been talking to/seeing this girl for ~2 months. we both like each other, but she's afraid of commitment. she's never been in a relationship > 2 months, so she doesn't really have the greatest outlook or respect for them. she tells me a lot of it has to do with her being afraid of getting hurt, so she just doesn't put a lot of effort/care into it. she's cheated in them before, and sees herself likely doing it again. she just really doesn't take them seriously and gets bored very very easily. personally (from talking to her), I think it's because she hasn't met anyone she's liked enough. I know she wants to try to change that, lately she's been telling me she'd really like to be able to have an honest/good relationship. she tells me she'd like to have someone to make her feel safe etc etc (all that girly bullshit). we're both very young (18), I'm not talking about anything ridiculously serious, but I'd definitely like to get involved with her. my question, I guess, is what do I do from here? is there any way to 'convince' her to get into a relationship or is this hopeless? I know there's a strong possibility that it would fail, but I like her enough to give it a shot. I'm thinking about asking her out soon, and I honestly don't know what she'll say. she's a really sweet girl and I sincerely think she'd be an amazing girlfriend if she was able to stay interested.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2006
  2. outlaws

    outlaws C.R.E.A.M.

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    Tax it and move on
     
  3. ef

    ef New Member

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    she's a virgin, I expect to be her first if we do date :cool:
     
  4. outlaws

    outlaws C.R.E.A.M.

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  5. ef

    ef New Member

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    I could handle a relationship, like I said, I'm not expecting long-time commitment or anything.
    I went through that shit once already, it's not going to happen again
     
  6. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Wait Wait. She is a virgin, yet she cheated?
    Ok so she kissed another guy while she was seeing someone. She never slept with someone else.
    Okay. Not as bad as I thought.

    Anyway.

    I will tell you the truth......There is nothing you can do.
    I know that you say she hasn't met anyone that she has liked enough, and I know you want to be that guy that is the one for her.

    I hate to tell you this, but you could be a millionare, a male-model, and have a 13" long penis and she still will not settle with you right now.

    I know someone will hate me for saying this...
    But you do have one thing in your corner that can help out to your advantage. She is entering college, or already is, and is still a virgin. Your best bet is to just try to hit it.
    Make her want to have sex with you before she ends up being banged by some other frat and shows up on Girls Gone Wild.

    So work on tapping that ass instead of being in a relationship with her, because I am almost positive it won't last.
     
  7. ef

    ef New Member

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    thanks for the insight, I appreciate it.
    yeah, cheating is cheating regardless of what happens..
    for sure I'd like to be that guy, and could see it happening seeing as it will have to at one point in time. why not now? I think she's close to if not ready to settle now.
    I guess I'll try and hit it, but I'm not going to prey on that. I like the girl, I can't be that big of an asshole to someone I care about :hs:
     
  8. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Well, I wish you the best of luck.
    I hope it does work out for you. :bigthumb:
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Here's my take on this:

    You have already been friendzoned by her. If she were really interested in you as a romantic partner, she would not have let two months go by without trying to drop some not-so-subtle hints that she wanted to be with you. In addition, the very fact that you did not ask her out within 1-2 weeks may have inadvertantly sent her a signal that you thought she was too ugly, stupid, fat, or unstable to date, so to protect her feelings she friendzoned you.

    That's an excuse if I ever heard one. Unless you proposed marriage to her, then she knows - and you know - there is no committment. What she is telling you is girl speak - nice talk - for "You're not my type and I don't want to date you." Again, if she thought you were the super stud of her dreams, she'd be all over you. However, you clearly have blinders on and are ignoring the reality of the situation. I'll point out some other things that speak to that as well.

    While that may be the case, again if she thought you were Mr. Wonderful she WOULD put effort into it. I mean, look at you - you think she is Miss Wonderful, and here you are putting effort into getting advice on how to win her over. Is she doing the same in return? Not likely, because her interest level in you is way below the 40% mark and that is a really bad thing. You are going up against the odds with this one, and chances are you will fail. And the problem with failing with her is that, in you youth and inexperience, you will ultimately fail to understand why and it will make your chances with other women that much more difficult as well. Basically, your failure will make you think you are a failure, when in fact you are just picking the wrong woman. You are picking her because she is convenient, she is in your face, and you have not seriously looked around (i.e., dated other women) before deciding she's the one. If you had dated ten other women, chances are you would not waste one more minute with her.

    Hey, isn't that what I just said? Yes, this is HUGE. Women get bored easily, and unless you are some wild and unpredictable guy who is a challenge for her (not the pushover you are right now) she will also get bored with you. The problem is that she is ALREADY bored with you, so you stand no chance. I suspect you've been her friend, talking to her on the phone and IM'ing her day and night. This is boring. Have you flirted with her? Have you done anything exciting with her? Does she know anything about you? (I bet she knows everything, which is a bad thing at this stage of a relationship.) As mentioned, she does not like you enough, and that's fine. She has higher standards and you're trying to trick her into liking you which is dishonest and ignorant, as well as disrespectful to her.

    You're her friend, otherwise she would not tell you all this girly BS. What she IS telling you is that she wants a mature, exciting, and "strong" male figure in her life. However, you are more of a girlfriend who she tells her secrets to, so you will never be that guy for her. You're wasting your time. The very vertue of her talking about her ideal man should be a HUGE signal to you. If she liked you, she'd never talk about other guys. This would be like you talking to her about some hot chick you wanted to fuck because she had big tits. It's offensive, and you'd probably be wise not to talk about other women. But since you are friends, and there will never be romance, she can talk about other men - or her perfect man - to you.

    You're blind and foolish. She's given you red flag after red flag, and you still come charging after her like a bull. This is not attractive to her.

    What, trick her into liking you? Nope, not a chance. She knows who you are, and you are not the mature and fun man she is looking for. No amount of lying to her, which is your only option at this point unless you drastically change your personality, is going to make her fall for you.

    No, it's GOING to fail, and you are really doing yourself a huge dis-service. Think about it this way: You're spending all this time and effort on her, but she does not want you. There are probably 2-3 other women out there who secretly check you out and want you to ask them out, but you ignore them because you have tunnel-vision on this one chick. So these other women think you are stuck on this girl, and they KNOW you are friendzoned. They also realize you are too foolish/immature because you're wasting so much time on her, so you are getting a reputation as a desperate guy. Now no other women want anything to do with you, because you are not behaving like a mature man. A mature man would have asked her on a date, and when she said no he would have moved on. Instead, you have spent all this time trying to figure out a way to trick her into liking you, like she is a dumb dog and all you have to do is give her some dry kibble treats.

    I cannot tell you what she'll say, but I can almost guarantee it'll be an excuse of some sort. Something like "Oh, that's really sweet, but ... I need some time to think about it" or "... my parents won't let me date." or "... I got a new job and won't have much time to see you." or "... I have a crush on another guy." She'll follow it up with how you are such a wonderful guy and how she doesn't want to damage the friendship. You'll get all serious (and boring) on her and it'll only reinforce her gut feelings as to why you can never be more than a friend. The harder to you try to "convince" her to date you the more it will reinforce the fact that you are boring, predictable, and desperate.

    But she's already confessed to you that she cheats (red flag, she is warning you that she's going to cheat on you) and that she gets bored easily (red flag, she is telling you she is going to dump you.) NO woman who liked you would ever admit to cheating and getting bored. God, what a slap in the face. And, herein lies your problem. You'll soak up all this abuse (potentially) which shows you do not have a backbone, you don't have self-confidence or self-respect, and she cannot respect that. She wants an adult who is mature and knows what he needs and won't tolerate less. At the same time, she wants an adult who is fun to be with (no therapy talk) but is hard to figure out.

    Might I make a suggestion? First, dump her altogether. Then, go hit up some dating advice sites, I am sure you can google up 22,000 of them, and start reading on how to improve yourself. Then start asking other women out and don't waste 2 months trying to get with them. In 2 months, one of my clients went from pining over one chick to dumping her and going on three dates. He dumped all three of them after the first date as well. Why? Because he finally got the blinders off and realized these chicks had NO INTEREST in him, and it was a wast of his time. As soon as you realize who is interested in you and who is not, you'll be ready to go for it. ;)
     
  10. ef

    ef New Member

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    :rofl: I appreciate the advice and that you took the time and effort to write such a long post, but you couldn't be further from the truth.
    I'm not nearly friendzoned, in fact, everytime we see each other we end up hooking up.
    I'm not a pushover, the only reason she's been able to stay interested this long is because I'm generally an asshole and play games to keep her guessing.
    She is afraid of commitment, and I can see why. she's had some pretty bad experiences in the past. the whole fact that she's starting to change (because of me) should, if anything, be something positive.
     
  11. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Ah, well you never said that, how was I supposed to know! :lol:

    Yeah, so REALLY you are already dating, what do you need more advice for? If you're the asshole, that just means that you're the exciting guy and that will keep her interested so long as you are not cruel or lack self control. Exciting is GOOD!

    See, kiddies, this is why giving advice is so hard. People don't give you all the details and then you go and give all this BS advice that won't work! :p
     
  12. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You know, it occurs to me that you should spend a little less time with her and talk to some other women, and see if she chases after you more... what do you think?
     
  13. ef

    ef New Member

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    Yeah, sorry, I really shouldn't have left that out. I feel bad that you spent all that time giving me advice that didn't even end up being usefull :hsd:
    I'm playing the asshole to keep her interested and so far it's working. I remember before we started 'talking' she mentioned after 2 or at the max 3 weeks she'd lose interest. I'm generally a nice guy but I know it's important to keep girls second guessing sometimes.

    I mention other girls, but I agree, I think I should do this more often. I hooked up with a girl a few days ago, and I've been looking for a way to let her know (just to piss her off). do you think this would be a good idea?
     
  14. Tony Victory

    Tony Victory OT Supporter

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    go for the friends with benefits relationship if you can even get the benefit part out of her, no point wasting your time for a full committment when she isnt as ready as you are, you will just end up getting frustrated and confused.
     
  15. ef

    ef New Member

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    I can get benefits from other girls, I actually like this one. besides, I already hookup with her everytime I see her. I think she's ready, or atleast is willing to try. I'm seeing her this friday, I'm pretty pumped :)
     
  16. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    No worries, maybe someone else benefitted. :)

    Sometimes? You got that right! Perfect approach. Just don't be a true asshole. Having a backbone is more attractive than being a prick, so just remember to treat her with respect, keep your cool, but still poke fun at her and don't let her get away with shit. ;)

    I would absolutely *not* mention other women, EVER, but instead would make her wonder about it, especially if you are just dating. How would you feel if she told you about some guy she kissed/blew/fucked? Right, you probably didn't want to know. She is more likely to want to win you over (from the clutches of the other "evil" woman) than dump you, but only if you are not bragging about it.

    I would also never mention other women you have dated at any point. It's like "kiss and tell" which means you are not discreet. Women have a reputation to uphold, and if you going to blab to everyone in town that you are fucking her, there is a chance she would dump you. I addition, she may think you are a liar, so then maybe you are lying about other things? When she dumps you, you shouldn't be surprised. All you have to do is act respetful, yet still coy and challenging - like the string a cat chases across the floor. So, shut your mouth, don't brag, because it only is a dis-service to you. ;)

    One good way to let a woman know you are still shopping for the best woman is to only date her on Tuesday-Thursday nights. No Fri or Sat night dates. So, for example, if she calls to make plans with you, and you are going on a date with another woman, just tell her that you cannot go out that night. Don't tell her you are going out with friends, have a hot date, etc., just "Sorry, I am not free that night, I have a previous engagement/other plans." Don't disclose them, just tell her "It's personal." and shut your mouth, change the topic, make a joke like "Okay, I'm getting liposuction."

    How does this work? Those are "Heavy" date nights, reserved for the woman who you want to go clubbing with and then spend the night with. Clearly, the Friday night woman is your best pick so far. If she asks why you don't date her on Fridays, simply let her know that you already have plans. If she rewards you by behaving more affectionately, you may want to move her closer and closer to Friday nights. For reference, all my first dates are on Wednesday nights. Depending on the chemistry between the woman and myself, I may move to a Friday or Saturday if I think sex will be involved. You have to be able to sleep over, you know? However, on the flip side, I also don't push for sex because women can smell an agenda a mile away. I make sure SHE wants sex before I do, because it means she is highly interested in me - which is absolutely required for a good relationship.

    First dates should never be Friday or Saturday nights because it signals that you are VERY single, and probably desperate, and it may turn her off or make her think that you are going to try to obligate her to have sex.

    Of course you are not on a first date, but maybe this can help apply to your situation in some way. :)
     
  17. ef

    ef New Member

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    ah, much better ;)
    yeah, I'm making sure to go out of my way to make her 'work'.
    to be honest, if she told me about another guy, I'd feel like I wasn't the only, or most important, interest in her life. about the friday/saturday dates, it doesn't really apply to me. we still havn't seen eachother one-on-one. we go to clubs/parties with mutual friends and just seperate from there sometimes. also, we're in highschool, so the only time we really go out are friday/saturday :) BUT, I will definitely apply this idea to her. what I think I'll do is not be 'available' all the time, and consciously try to keep away from seeing her every now and then. that's actually a really good idea, I think it'll work well. when I ask her out, I'll be sure to break the date and move it to another day whether or not I have something more important to do :)
     
  18. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Sounds good. Be a little careful about breaking dates, you don't want to appear to be a flake or standing her up. If you make plans, stick to your word. ;)
     

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