SRS What can you say to somone so they will think about their actions?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by verbal, Jul 14, 2008.

  1. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    My girlfriend and I have been together for just over three years. Last year we had a daughter.

    Rewind to last week. The place I work has two offices, one about 25 miles from my house, the other about 48 miles away. I was hired to work at the one far away. I really needed a job and the potential was great, so I took it. I've been here almost two months.

    Last week my boss hired another person to work in the far away office, so I'll be going to the closer to home office from now on. I told this to my girlfriend and she was excited for me. I said to her that I was excited too, but part of me doesn't want to leave the far away office. I just started getting to know people here and I've learned how to fix almost every issue here (other office's issues are different). This office is really laid back because our president and all the chief officers are at the other office. I've become good friends with the call center manager and another manager here, so it's fun to work here. After telling her that part of me doesn't want to leave, that night she asks me if I have something going on with someone at work. Asks me a bunch of questions about who I work with and I explain everything. I assure her that I don't have any interest in anyone at work. So all week she keeps making little comments about me seeing someone at work.

    Her mom owns an RV so we go camping with them a lot. We went this weekend. My girlfriend went with them earlier in the week on Wednesday and I met them there on Friday. She kept getting upset with me because I wasn't calling her enough the two days she was gone. Turned it in to "You don't care." type stuff.

    My girl works at a local bar and they have a bike night every Tuesday night. I call her on Thursday and she tells me she has some friends from bike night coming out to the campground. I get upset with her and say "You think I have something going on at work cause I like working there and sometimes work late, but it's ok for you to give your phone number out to customers and hang out with them when I'm not there? Doesn't make much sense." She has nothing to say about it. Turns out that night it wasn't "friends", it was one guy. That night she got totally wasted (told me she only had 6 drinks) and was puking for 4-5 hours the next morning. Leaving her mother to take care of our daughter.

    Now Friday comes and I go up there and the whole weekend was complete hell. Every little thing was a fight with her. She would give me an attitude and yell at me for just about anything. One day it was just afternoon and I was doing a shot with her mother and stepfather and she instantly got pissed at me because "you're going to get drunk and I have to take care of our daughter." It was one shot just after lunch. The anger wasn't necessary.

    Another point she said that when we camp I'm always off having fun with her family while she takes care of our daughter. I said "You're keeping yourself away from the fun. Please tell me what I'm doing to stop you from having fun?" She didn't have an answer and just told me to shut up.

    I could go on and on with stories from this weekend, but this is too long already. I had a talk with her stepdad and he agreed with me that she was being extermely unreasonable. And I heard her mother thought the same thing though they both stayed out of everything.

    Last night I left the campground cause I had to work today. She told me we needed to talk when she got home and that she was going to stay with her mom for a couple days. I was completely nice to her and I asked her to please sit and think about your actions this weekend. You're trying to be so controlling over me and if I don't do what you think I should do you get pissed. I don't need another mother, I already had one.

    It seems like nothing I can say to her will make her sit and think about her actions. It's just always attacking me. Everyone is always wrong and she's always right. Some people act that way but after thinking they realize they might be in the wrong, but with her that NEVER EVER happens. I just don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end and there's no sitting down to have an adult conversation with her. It feels like I have to end the relationship. It's going to hurt me so much to not live with my daughter anymore but I don't know what else to do.

    Anyone ever deal with something like this before?
     
  2. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Sounds like she has major insecurity issues. How old are you two?
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    you've been with her for 3 years and are just now finding out about this trend?

    Or have you known and are just looking to resolve it now?

    Honestly...these are the types of things I try to find out early...that way I can disqualify her for that behavior.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Let me tell you something about woman, their insecurity throws them into moodswings, the moment they don't know what to think about the situation they will go emotionally haywire.

    As a guy you think 'reason and rationality' are above all this, but you've got it wrong there, a woman puts emotions above any given rational solution.

    So what you've got to do as a guy is devide it in two sections, rational solutions and emotional solution. If she's acting rational then a rational solution can be put in place, if she's acting emotional then a emotional solution needs to be put in place.

    Or in other words, you need to support her. And i am going to tell you how.

    Stop trying to find solutions, no matter how hard your brain is saying: This is the solution lets be reasonable, don't even think of going there, instead of that go were the problem is.

    Be firm to her say: Honey i want to let you know that i support you, and I want to apologize for not listening to your feelings, i want to say with all my heart that i love and trust you, and that i honestly have done nothing in that office that would hurt you in any way, i love you far too much for that. So tell me what i should do and how i can support you in this situation.

    Sometimes it can be as easy as giving her a hug and it will all be alright again.

    But there's more, the nitpicking and blaming has got to stop, it usually goes something like this.

    wrong approuch for the guy

    Her: Your late!!!
    You: Its not my fault i got caught in traffic!
    Her: You always come too late,why didn't you come when i told you!!?
    You: Can't you even understand what a traffic jam is, do you want me to drive over those cars or something?
    Her: You could have left earlier!!!
    You: No you stupid bitch , i said i had to work overtime!
    Her: You are an asshole i never want to see you anymore!

    Emotional Escalation is the keyword,

    Despite this being a rational situation where the poor guy tries to explain he was in a traffic jam which prevented him from coming home on time, the woman is extremely upset, despite all his efforts to explain it rationally the girl just keeps on exploding and the situation escalates from bad to total mayhem.

    Right

    Her: Your Late!!!
    Him: What should i support do when i get stuck in a traffic jam?
    Her: You should've called.
    Him: Ok next time i'll call you when im jammed.

    The basic gist is to bring back the wild curve , that's going up and down in an extremely wild way back to the x-grid or 0. Your goal is to bring the mood swing down.

    Therefore don't DO things that will make her emotional upset, wether your right or wrong, she'll always gonna need emotional support if she acts emotional on the situation. Its good to give her this support, and once work hard to get the mood shift back in neutral ,you see the mood swing curve going back to her being a girl you can live with. Therefore again with emotional situations give her emotional support.
     
  5. Imok

    Imok New Member

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    I would say that there is much more to this than what has been going on lately.

    She had a baby not too long ago. She probably has a bit of baby fat left over and perhaps is feeling unattractive at this point, thus the "your cheating" thing comes up.

    You two are probably young. In her eyes, she loves the baby but is "stuck in" tied down as in her eyes, you have lost nothing. You still have your freedom. It is very different for a woman. She cannot just get up and go anytime she wants.

    She is working at a bar. She sees all the people being free spirits knowing that she can no longer be a free spirit. When not at work, she is with the baby all day and night, her job never ends 24/7. Probably, in her eyes, you still get to have freedom and fun.

    She is telling you what is wrong, but in a round about way. Men just don't understand this round about way as they are more to the point. She is telling you that she needs to be told she is beautiful, she needs to know she is still a woman and not just a mom. She needs to know that you are in this 110 percent and that you will give her evenings out to do what she wants. She needs for you two to still find babysitters and go out on dates.

    I'm not saying that she doesn't love the baby, it has nothing to do with that.

    Oh, and darketernal had some great advice.
     
  6. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I'm 30, she's 27.

    The thing is, she has more 'fun' than I do. All my close friends have moved out of state. The only 'fun' I have now is doing stuff on the computer and using my music equipment. And I barely get time for that because I come home and spend time with her and my daughter. I'm the only one that cooks in the family too, so I get home from work at 7pm and cook dinner. She usually hangs out after work at drinks. There have been times where she gets out of work at 11pm and stays till 2am+ drinking. And doing God knows what else. And I let her do it. I always ask who she hung out with and who knows if she's telling me the truth. But I go do something stupid-- for example I had a job interview in a part of town that had a 'rich mall.' After the interview I decided to go to walk around the mall and not buy anything. She called me and told me she wanted to go to a garage sale and she'd wait till I got home. And hour later she calls me bitching because I'm not home yet. It's like I have to be by her side as soon as she has nothing to do. I can't deal with that anymore.

    I totally get what you're saying about the freedom part. She's always going to have the baby and can't get up and go when she wants. BUT why did that change when I wasn't around? Why did she invite people to the campsite and proceed to get so wasted she puked all morning? Yet when I get there she says I'm keeping her away from the fun? She was still taking care of our daughter while getting piss drunk. Why when I get there all of a sudden she's the perfect mother?
     
  7. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Wow. To me it sounds like she still wants to live the party life people in their early 20s live. She's not ready to buckle down and be responsible. But unforuntately there is a child involved now and at some point she is going to have to buckle down and be responsible.

    There is nothing wrong with letting her parents (or another responsible adult(s)) taking the baby once inawhile so she can still go out and have fun. However, I am a bit concerned that someone who is a mother goes out til the wee hours and drinks herself into a puking state. From your posts it sounds like this happens more regularly than not.

    Perhaps she is feeling "tied down" but one must live with the choices they make in life. I would sit down with her and tell her what you see going on. Perhaps point out that your daughter may someday look back and only remember mom as never being home or always puking :dunno: Your child is an extension of you and a huge responsibility, NOT an object that can be shelved or neglected until one or both parents feel like dealing with it again.

    I am not a mom myself yet, but cannot imagine leaving my child for the sae of getting shitfaced. Sure I'd still want an occasional kid-free evening out , but would prefer to handle it in a more responsible manner.
     
  8. Mcgovlau

    Mcgovlau Лоз Боз

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    It sounds like that bike night thing was just to get back at you for something you never really did. I think you need to just give her some TLC and drive it into her head that you're there for her when she needs you and that you will always be there to help her with your daughter when she needs it.
     
  9. Imok

    Imok New Member

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    Well, you are definitely both old enough to know better. I think she has some problems, perhaps alcohol problems? Perhaps she should be looking for a new job outside of the bar life. Why couldn't she waitress at a restaurant if that is what she wants to do. Perhaps you should go to an alanon group meeting for some info.

    She definitely needs to start taking some responsibility. She shouldn't be staying at the clubs until 2:00 am. My experience is that couples who party separately will never make it long term. It is one thing for the girl to go shopping with her friends or out for lunch and for guys to get together to watch a game. When the "going out" includes clubbing separately? not a good mix, inhibitions go down.

    Perhaps she is the one who is cheating so she figures you are too.

    Anyway, you two need some help, perhaps a third party to talk to or this will just keep festering until you aren't together any longer. There is something going on with her that she is not being straight up with.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    If not for you guys having a kid, I would tell you to end the relationship with this immature 27 year old girl.

    However, since you are married and have a kid, I'd recommend at least trying marriage counseling/couples therapy.

    If that doesn't work out, you may have to consider divorce. Having a child together is not a good enough reason to stay with someone if you are miserable.
     
  11. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I hope my explanations haven't been taken as a regular thing with her. She rarely gets to the puking state, but I'm pretty positive that she stays after work and drinks on the three days that she works.
     
  12. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I've asked her numerous times to go see a couples counselor but it never goes anywhere.

    With her personality, I feel like she's afraid that she might be told she's wrong for things. So she doesn't want to do it.
     
  13. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    We aren't married. And I think if we didn't have a kid things would've been over a long time ago.

    Long talks yesterday. She tells me "he is a friend and has opened my" that's where the text ended. I assumed it meant that he has opened her eyes about something. I kinda went off on her in the nicest way possible. I explained that he's just giving you a shoulder to cry on in hopes to get in your pants. I told her not to be so naive.

    I just wish she would think about how she's acting. If I say or do anything other than agree with her, it's a fight. After I get into an argument, later when I'm cooled off and have time to think about what was said, it's easy for me to realize if I was being irrational or wrong. With her, once she says it she sticks to the story and doesn't even think about it. It's so frustrating.
     
  14. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    This needs to be said. If she won't consider counseling, and is turning to some other guy for support, saying he has "opened her eyes" about things...come on. She's cheating emotionally on you, and is or will eventually cheat on you physically.

    You need to get out of this relationship. She's not acting in a mature manner, is refusing to behave like an adult...and you even said, if not for the kid(s), it probably would have been over a long time ago. You can't stay together just because you have a child together.

    Seriously man, you need to consider this. You can't sacrifice your own well-being.

    Call DHS/child services if you need to, but it needs to be done.

    Also...expect a HUGE blowout/suckup from her when you bring this up. I guarantee she doesn't respect you, but when faced with losing your support (financial, roof over her head, etc), she will SAY anything to get you to not do it. It won't help though...things won't change in the long run.

    You don not deserve to be tied down with someone who does not respect you.

    And I am not AT ALL suggesting you cut yourself out of your child's life. You are still her father, you need to be a good father...but you clearly can't be with her mother at this time.
     
  15. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Yeah it definitely sounds like this girl is cheating on you. She works at a bar, stays late and drinks, has random guys meet up with her while she's camping and you aren't there, is accusing you of cheating, etc... Get rid of her, she's not worth it.
     
  16. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    She came home today and had to work. I got home after her like always. She had all her stuff from the camping trip on our bed. She got a new cellphone this past friday. I saw her old phone sitting in the suitcase.

    Like anyone, when their relationship is falling apart and you hear certain things, you want more answers. I couldn't help but snoop.

    Found a few texts from that guy. Things I found out are: they met last Tuesday when she was working. He ended up staying up there till close at 2am. I think she drove him home. There was a "Thanks for the ride" from him and "I had a good time hanging out with you" from him and her. And he's a 248 area code which means he's about 20 miles or more away from here. She invited him to swim at her moms house on Wednesday before she left for the camping trip on Thursday.

    I really don't know what to do now. My brain hurts and my heart hurts worse. Part of me wants to sit down with her and hope we have a heart to heart about everything. Hope that everything that's said is honest. But I don't know if that will happen. I just want her to be completely blunt with me and me blunt with her. No arguments.

    The other part of me has zero trust now. As much as I want to repair things in any way I can, part of me is screaming to just let it end. Tell her to be out in a month or so.

    I don't know what to do with myself right now.
     
  17. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    I only read half of the first post and was going to say "she's cheating on you." I just read the post above mine and yeah... sorry to hear that. Girls like to accuse people of things they did when they feel guilty :rofl:

    It sounds like you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I hope you have the balls to dump her :sadwavey:
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2008
  18. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    If she refuses to acknowledge your point of view or to address your concerns as her SO & a father I don't think she deserves the compassion you're delivering. My guess would be that she's guilty about something & is punishing herself as well as you & your daughter in the process. Maybe sending her a more aggressive wake-up call would help her feel that she's able to start anew & that everything is ok. If she's unable to respond to that in a positive manner or you're confident that she'll regress to the same behavior then maybe she doesn't deserve you.

    Tough situation.

    I have to completely disagree with Darketernal. The generalizations about men & women suit the situation, however, I fit the male generalization & my fiance meets the female. The world isn't like that. Some people are like that.

    Mainly, dude - quit being a doormat. Punch cajones to enlarge.
     
  19. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I can't really punch myself. Will you do it for me? :hsugh:
     
  20. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I really want to have a heart to heart with her but I don't think it's going to happen. Once she sets her mind in pissed off mode, there's no changing it.

    I just don't understand how someone can't reflect on their actions at some point. If I get in an argument, later when I'm alone I can't help but think about how things happened. Sometimes I think I should've said this different, or whatever. Or am I weird for reflecting on a conflict and thinking about what should've been different?
     
  21. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Sadly, some people just never mature enough to be able to do this. Your gf sounds like one of them...and you have to realize, this is dangerous for your daughter in the long run.
     
  22. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    I don't think it's necessarily a matter of simple maturity.

    It seems that many folks posting in this thread are capable of adopting an objective point of view. Perhaps you can call it science minded. Sounds like the lady in question is an extremely subjective individual. I can relate. I've never met a more subjective person than my fiance. He justifies arguments not with logic but by asserting that his own feelings about a given subject are the most important and influential components of decision making. He doesn't say it like that, of course ... it's more like "Because I DON'T LIKE IT & that's why" or "Because that's what I WANT." Hahaha. Love him anyway, even though I think he's totally insane.

    & no, I will not enlarge your cajones for you :o You want results, you swing that fist, mister.
     
  23. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    I've seen too many people ruin their lives this way. While this was something you should have thought about before having a kid with someone like that, it's no reason for you to throw your life away and stay in this unhealthy relationship. Break it off and fight for custody if you have to. At the very least you'll get to see the kid half the time, and you'll be free to do what you want in life. You could actually have a girlfriend who cares about you.

    Your current gf obviously doesn't love you anymore.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2008
  24. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Interesting point.

    My cousin recently left her husband (Mentally ill) because she didn't want to teach her children that it's better to stay miserable than endure the heartache and come out on top.

    She's very honest with her kids. They've been worried about her and stressed by the switch but she's working hard to make sure they're all going to end up in a more healthy situation.

    There is no lack of love if you make a conscious effort to provide it for your child. Traumatized kids are usually (imo) a result of parents who don't communicate with them.
     
  25. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Good post. In many situations it's better for the kids to just end the unhealthy relationship. If my parents had stayed married I probably would have gone crazy.

    I have a friend who's so whipped it's not even funny. His first girlfriend cheated on him and had a kid who he's not the father of. She's the biggest bitch in the world. He's still with her to this day raising a kid that she could take away from him at any time. The guy has no friends anymore because he's given up everything to be with her. I guess it's because he thinks he can't do any better than her. I'll never understand some people.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2008

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