What are your views of living together before marriage?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Nev, May 10, 2008.

  1. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I recently graduated college and am trying to get my feet under myself, get a career going, etc. My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now...which as expected has been hard and somewhat rocky as LDRs can be. When we are together we get along very well.

    Well fast forward to the problem at hand, she currently lives with her parents due to some bad decision making, debt she got herself into beign irresponsible in college, etc. She currently has a waitressing job, likes it, and pulls in pretty decent money.

    I am considering moving out there in order to be with her and get myself established at the same time. She lives in NJ where it is expensive to live,and I'm not sure if I could afford a place 100% on my own.
    Lately, we've really been tossing around the idea of moving in together. The problem is that her mother is very traditional in that sense and is 100% completely against it and has told her that if she lives with a boyfriend before marriage, that she will not pay for her wedding. I completely dont agree with this, and my girlfriend does not either (i'm 23 she's 22).

    What is vag's opinion on situation like this? Any suggestions?
     
  2. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    i wouldn't do it till you're both more set.... sounds like she's a ways off from that point.
     
  3. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    This thread has been covered a million times over and I believe the consensus is that you have to be an idiot not to live with someone first before you get married.
     
  4. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    .

    You learn about each other's idiosyncrasies. How she gets annoyed when you leave the wet towel on the bed, or never put your dishes away, or how she snores...You decide then if it is something you can live with and whatnot.
     
  5. fray

    fray New Member

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    Important to live together before you get married, BUT that doesn't mean you jump right into it if you're not ready just due to convenience sake (i.e., "it'd be cheaper", "we're together at one or the other's house all the time already", etc.)
     
  6. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    :werd: However, moving in together is a big step and before you do that you have to be both mature enough mentally and emotionally and 'financially' ... You also need to have a very detailed talk about, responsibilities, duties, space ETC ETC beforehand.
     
  7. nicklk

    nicklk New Member

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    I've learned you just have to stuff a dirty sock into her mouth and she'll quit snoring :mamoru:
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I personally would never even consider marrying anyone until I lived with them first. That being said, didn't I just see you talking about your relationship and how it was failing?

    If that wasn't you, I still don't think moving in together would be a good idea (just yet). She has a history of not handling money well and you say is just now getting into her part-time job of waitressing, right? You also have no actual job set out there, right? You've also never lived together, and how long have you been long distance?

    Going from an LDR straight into living together is a huge transition, much more of a transition than people who live near one another and sleep at each other's places. You need to have a set plan of what you are going to do out there because just moving out there to be closer to her and then looking around for a job is going to be much harder than you think. On top of the fact that she's the only thing you will have in that town, you'll have to make sure to make friends so you don't smother one another.

    Also, this already has fail written all over it if the real reason you want to live with her is to save money :uh: Moving in together needs to be a serious process of where to live, how much each pays, what rules have to be set down, who goes where if you break up and really just recognizing that this is a huge serious step. Is marriage even an idea in your head?

    Also, the fact that her mother is already against it is a 2nd fail. Maybe you should stay where you are and save money for a while.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You can't move in together until you both can live reasonably well on your own individually.

    Because of the bolded part....DO NOT move in together until you are able to support yourself independently if it works out.

    Basically, if you're unable to pull yourself out at any moment and be fine financially, you are not ready to move in together.

    You need to go in with an exit strategy.
     
  10. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    Going in with an exit strategy to me seems like you are always keeping one foot out the door. Like you are looking for an easy way out if things become difficult rather then working through them.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Or going in without even the slightest inkling of thought of "what if we break up...what do we do?" is just irresponsible. Because if it does happen both parties get flustered and it makes the break up worse. Who stays? Who goes? How do you break the lease? etc. etc. etc.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Maybe an exit strategy is the wrong term. I simply meant that he needs to be financially secure enough to be able to move out and get his own place if a breakup occurs.

    "We broke up, but I can't afford to move out!' should NEVER be a possibility for a young, non-engaged, non-married person like the OP.
     
  13. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I think the best thing to do is wait until she's out of debt and you have some sort of income saved up to move out there. I assume you have some sort of job right now. Make sure you've got enough money to live out there on your own for a few months without getting into debt. This will give you time to establish your career and settle in. At the same time you can continue tossing around the idea of her moving in with you. The last thing I would want is someone moving in with me who has so much debt they may have trouble contributing to rent.
     
  14. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    She makes enough to contribute. She has paid off all of her credit card bills, and now has school loans and other loans she is working on now, but those wont be paid off for many years.
     
  15. Mr. Bungle

    Mr. Bungle *lube'n up the shock paddles*

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    So the main issue is you have a girl who wants a big fancy wedding and the only way she'll get it is if her mommy and daddy pay for it...

    So she doesn't wanna move in with you because she thinks marriage is about a big party with a dress and she wants it all....
     
  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    ya this is something neither my lover nor i have probably paid enough attention to :o
     
  17. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Um, no that's not it. It's something her mother disapproves of and she does not want to show disrespect and hurt that relationship.

    She has no problem living together with me, she wants to.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    well of course she does. But it would not be a good idea to live together until she can show she can live on her own or with normal roommates (someone she isn't in a romantic relationship with).

    In a romantic relationship, moving in together shouldn't be primarily about money. In this case, it sounds like it IS primarily about the money thing, which is why I don't think it's a good idea. If you guys want to save money, look into getting places with some roommates, and just keep seeing each other.
     
  19. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    other than school, what other debt is she in that's gonna take years to pay off?
     
  20. Mr. Bungle

    Mr. Bungle *lube'n up the shock paddles*

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    Since you know this, obviously she said this to you.

    It has nothing to do with disrespect or hurting that relationship, she will be losing something important for HER, which is a big paid for by mommy wedding.
     
  21. Mr. Bungle

    Mr. Bungle *lube'n up the shock paddles*

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    Stripper cloths cost bank! :eek3:


    *Couldn't help it...I sowwy* :hs:
     
  22. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    Living with someone before marrying is sensible and will show you the realities of living as a couple.

    The older generation is quick to decry this as being untraditional, and points to higher divorce rates of people who live together first. What they won't talk about, that psychologists will, is that said higher rate stems mostly from couples whose relationship was failing as they lived together, and got married in an attempt to repair it, only to find it doesn't work that way.
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: I was going to point that out because it drives me nuts how people try to use the statistic of "well I hear living together beforehand leads to more divorces!"

    I want to find out before thinking of getting hitched that we can stand one another.
     
  24. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    Living together before marriage is a good thing.

    And a good rule of thumb when moving in with someone is- move into an apartment that you and you alone could afford to pay the rent in the event of a breakup. Just in case you split, you will not suffer a hardship if you are left with the apartment. Do not move into a place that you would rely on the income of another person to make timely payments each month.
     
  25. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    yes and people dont understand that correlation =/ causation

    OP, your gf's situation sounds a hell of a lot like mine. My bf and I are in a LDR, and we were tossing around the idea of moving in together. I brought it up to my mom, who replied "well it would be hard to go through three years of graduate school as newlyweds." I said "well who said we would be newlyweds?" and she said "well you sure as hell aren't living together if you're not married." She added in that she would stop paying for school for me, and wouldn't pay for a wedding, and I'm not an idiot so I'm not throwing $140,000 out the window. No, its not about the wedding and who pays for it, but its about the support to your marriage that you lose when your mother, who had always agreed to help with expenses, decides to pull the plug because she doesn't approve. But she also said that if we waited until my first year of grad school was over, then got married, they would continue to help us out, so it seems like a rather small sacrifice in the end.

    One of the largest concerns I have for my relationship is that we have been in a LDR for so long, and we're both so used to being independent, that it may be a difficult transition to move from seeing each other twice a month to every day all the time. At the same time, one of the motivating forces is monetary. We're also from NJ, its impossible to start out here alone. Consider both of you moving to PA? That's what we've discussed. My bf has to have three roommates to afford a home in NJ, and my parents make significant incomes and its a constant struggle. When your girl has financial troubles, living in one of the highest cost of living states in the union probably isnt the best decision you could make.
     

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