First of all I want to say that this summer started out as the best summer of my entire life. I left an extremely unhealthy relationship that I had been in for 2+ years, my friendships were becoming something they have never been before, and I started a nice new job. Summer was really going great. I began to start a relationship with a girl I met around 3 years ago. This girl has always been the girl of my dreams. I have wanted to be with her ever since I first met her. I had almost started a relationship with her when I met her, but things got fucked up. This summer involved a lot of partying and of course: drugs. I am coming to the realization that drugs played a major role in the destruction of my ego and my feelings. Everything was perfect until I saw the signs of abuse. It finally led to me quitting my job, hiding my feelings from everyone, loosing the girl of my dreams, and falling into a downward spiral of depression. When I was about 12 I was diagnosed with mild depression and it slowly led to extreme bi-polar disorder and eventually(4 months ago) I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Once I was put on anti-psychotics I dropped the anti-depressants and life was, for once in my life, beautiful. This is when the extreme drug use begun. I have smoked pot daily for around 4 years and have never any problems with it. This summer I started using ecstasy, a buttload of benzos, opiates, cocaine, mushrooms, and some other various drugs. In the beginning the drug use was fine. It was only about a month ago when I started seeing the signs. My medical condition got worse and worse by the day and I was started to fuck up. I quit my job for more time to party. My ego was slowly being destroyed and I was hiding from everything. I put on fronts whenever I was with my friends or family. I lied about my feelings and never confronted any of my problems. It all started when I lost my best friend of ~6 years because I was so fed up with him getting pissed off about every little thing. I ignored him instead of confronting him and basically lost touch. I didn't think much of this until the past month or so when I realized I fucked up. During this time period, my other friendships were close to perfect(at least I thought so). My ego told me that everything was fine, and that I was treating people the right way when I really wasn't. I started hiding myself from one of my best friends and didn't even notice. Basically at this point nobody had any idea what I was feeling inside. I don't think anyone in the world actually knew me or my problems besides my ex-girlfriend. Everything was hidden and my problems just built up. The drugs hid problems and stacked them up even more in the end. It came to the point where I was extremely fucked up every single day of my life. I couldnt hide anymore while staying sober so I hid everything with the drugs. I never even noticed these things up until now. About 3 weeks ago I fucked up bigtime. I was under the influence of MDMA and was completely fried out of my skull. I was with one of my good girl friends(who happens to be best friends with the one girl I care about) and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Now mind you, I was completely fucked up emotionally, mentally, and physically. I had no fucking idea what was going on. I know it is no excuse but nobody believes me that I was incapable of making clear decisions. I might be an ass sometimes but I would never do anything like this to hurt a girl. The real me would never cheat on someone. I fucked up bad this time. I lost this girl and most importantly I hurt her. I hurt her and probably set a timebomb for trust issues in her future. After my friends found this out they basically flipped on me, which didn't make my problems any better. They all saw one side of the story and basically came to the conclusion it was my fault. This is where I am right now. I really have no idea what to do. Nobody accepts my apologies anymore. I don't know how to explain any of this to any of them. I don't think I deserve anything from the girl, even though I want her back. I don't know if someone can be forgiven for something like this, but I just need some advise.