SRS What am I suppossed to do when everything important in my life is gone?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BlackWRX, Aug 30, 2005.

  1. BlackWRX

    BlackWRX New Member

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    First of all I want to say that this summer started out as the best summer of my entire life. I left an extremely unhealthy relationship that I had been in for 2+ years, my friendships were becoming something they have never been before, and I started a nice new job. Summer was really going great. I began to start a relationship with a girl I met around 3 years ago. This girl has always been the girl of my dreams. I have wanted to be with her ever since I first met her. I had almost started a relationship with her when I met her, but things got fucked up.

    This summer involved a lot of partying and of course: drugs. I am coming to the realization that drugs played a major role in the destruction of my ego and my feelings. Everything was perfect until I saw the signs of abuse. It finally led to me quitting my job, hiding my feelings from everyone, loosing the girl of my dreams, and falling into a downward spiral of depression.

    When I was about 12 I was diagnosed with mild depression and it slowly led to extreme bi-polar disorder and eventually(4 months ago) I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Once I was put on anti-psychotics I dropped the anti-depressants and life was, for once in my life, beautiful. This is when the extreme drug use begun. I have smoked pot daily for around 4 years and have never any problems with it. This summer I started using ecstasy, a buttload of benzos, opiates, cocaine, mushrooms, and some other various drugs. In the beginning the drug use was fine. It was only about a month ago when I started seeing the signs. My medical condition got worse and worse by the day and I was started to fuck up. I quit my job for more time to party. My ego was slowly being destroyed and I was hiding from everything. I put on fronts whenever I was with my friends or family. I lied about my feelings and never confronted any of my problems.

    It all started when I lost my best friend of ~6 years because I was so fed up with him getting pissed off about every little thing. I ignored him instead of confronting him and basically lost touch. I didn't think much of this until the past month or so when I realized I fucked up. During this time period, my other friendships were close to perfect(at least I thought so). My ego told me that everything was fine, and that I was treating people the right way when I really wasn't. I started hiding myself from one of my best friends and didn't even notice.

    Basically at this point nobody had any idea what I was feeling inside. I don't think anyone in the world actually knew me or my problems besides my ex-girlfriend. Everything was hidden and my problems just built up. The drugs hid problems and stacked them up even more in the end. It came to the point where I was extremely fucked up every single day of my life. I couldnt hide anymore while staying sober so I hid everything with the drugs. I never even noticed these things up until now.

    About 3 weeks ago I fucked up bigtime. I was under the influence of MDMA and was completely fried out of my skull. I was with one of my good girl friends(who happens to be best friends with the one girl I care about) and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Now mind you, I was completely fucked up emotionally, mentally, and physically. I had no fucking idea what was going on. I know it is no excuse but nobody believes me that I was incapable of making clear decisions. I might be an ass sometimes but I would never do anything like this to hurt a girl. The real me would never cheat on someone. I fucked up bad this time. I lost this girl and most importantly I hurt her. I hurt her and probably set a timebomb for trust issues in her future.

    After my friends found this out they basically flipped on me, which didn't make my problems any better. They all saw one side of the story and basically came to the conclusion it was my fault. This is where I am right now.

    I really have no idea what to do. Nobody accepts my apologies anymore. I don't know how to explain any of this to any of them. I don't think I deserve anything from the girl, even though I want her back. I don't know if someone can be forgiven for something like this, but I just need some advise.

    :wtc:
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Lay off anything that destroys your life. The drugs, the booze, the selfish lifestyle.

    NOTHING in life will make you happy, exept LOVE and helping others. This is because life is rigged.

    Now unless you consider your current situation -> :wtc: as extremely happy and joyfull, you'll understand that you have got to change your life, throwing everything out that destroys your life, and aknowledging that your body is your temple and that you have to spare it from destruction.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2005
  3. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    drugs never = good; they = feel good; and feelings change

    stop using drugs, flat out, go find that best friend in the world that you lost touch with first in your story, and talk to him/her about everything thats happened from your point of view, whatever you do DO NOT try to explain that anything is not your fault and it was the drugs and etc etc.
    ......
    if your girl cheated on you because she was still drunk that = cheating.... drugs, alcohol, rock and roll, none of those are valid excuses for fucking up.
    ......
    go to him/her, because you obviously trust him/her, tell him the things that have been going on with you, get it off your chest see what he has to say.

    but trust me, for reasons you can pm me about, no one wants to hear excuses from someone thats been fried out of their mind for the last X amount of months.

    edit
    oh and if the girl you lost is also into drugs, its for the best that you lost her this way, because it will be harder to get your head straight with her around with drugs.
     
  4. BlackWRX

    BlackWRX New Member

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    I already accomplished that first part. Had a really long convo with him and things are looking a lot better. I really am taking the blame for everything I have done. I do blame a lot these problems on the drug use, but it was still my choice to use them and abuse them.
     
  5. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    i think that friend is really gonna be the one to help you out the most... because from the story it seems like he was the closest.

    what i meant was not saying things like, its not my fault, i didnt know, that kind of stuff... the fact that you blame all of this on drugs, i think, is a HUGE step in the right direction
     
  6. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    most importantly, you need to fix YOU before you worry about anything else. you are in a world of mess, and nothing will be right until you rectify your mistakes. you need to get off the drugs. ask for help, and enter a treatment program!

    believe it or not, everything that's important in your life is not gone! we all take forks that lead us down the wrong path, but it's up to us to realize our mistakes and learn from them. you may get said girl back, and you may not, but at least the experience has taught you a valuable lesson. i guarantee you that you're not the only one that's learned such a lesson :)

    good luck!
     
  7. RenaultFreak

    RenaultFreak OMG

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    point them to this thread, sometimes the apologies come better when they are written...like you just did :)
     
  8. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    one important thing to realize, is that there is much more important in your life than you likely realize.

    aside from working on you, as was already suggested. take some time to reflect on what's really important. I guarantee that there are many very very important things in your life even yet, that you are taking for granted.
     

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