what advice would you give in this situation

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by THoC, Apr 15, 2009.

  1. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    if any....................


    ill try and make it short.

    friend split from his wife. they have 2 yr old twins together.

    issue is that she is controlling. VERY controlling. she treates him like a child and he has no say in anything. the last straw with him is that the she refuses to discipline the kids in any way..... even when they hit her/him.
    but she is also very controlling with what he is and is not allowed to do during everyday life. (going out w. friends, playing video games, etc..) keep in mind he is not the type to go out a lot. were talking once every 2-3 weeks. he wants her to go w. him and has baby sitters lined up but she refuses to leave the house.

    they had these same issues when they dated and they seeked counseling.
    again after they got engaged/before they got married.
    again after being married for 6 months.

    now he moved out and got his own apt. he was set on moving on but now he is telling me that they may work it out and seek counseling AGAIN.
    currently when he goes to see her and the kids she has her "good days and bad days".


    he asked me for my advice before he decided to do couseling while drunk and i told him he needs to stop it and just realize he's better w.o her and just be civil to each other for the kids. he agreed.

    however he must've forgoten the convo/changed his mind.
    would you guys just leave it alone and let him do his thing or give him the advice one more time?
     
  2. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    don't go back, its not healthy. if she is that controlling its not going to work out. He needs to live his life. I say they stay seperate and do there own thing and if any way possible keep the kids with him if he can. She shouldn't have control of them if she's that bad. Plus those kids need a smack in the mouth if they are hitting there parents.
     
  3. roddick

    roddick New Member

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    If he is a good friend, I would not leave it alone. The kids dont factor in at this point. It is unhealthy for him to be with her and the kids will be worse off if they stay in that environment than if the parents got a divorce.

    Besides, any guy "should" be gd miserable in that situation. Do him a favor and make him see the light.
     
  4. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    yeah its pretty bad. she sits next to me at work were both managers..... i hear the way she talks to him... ugh.

    he is one of the nicest guys ive ever met ... to a fault..... bc he is a pushover.

    plus her idea of parenting is horrible. no punishment at all when your kid hits you? wtf?

    they also still do not sleep through the night bc if they cry she runs to them. he tells her (as did their doctor) to let them cry. they are old enough to be sleeping through the night. but she calls him heartless, you dont love your kids, etc...
     
  5. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    How did they make it through pre-marriage counseling and still not address any of these issues? Honestly it sounds like he's just using this moving out as a wake up call to her. Is he REALLY going to divorce her?
     
  6. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    she would "change" for a little bit and then go back to being herself.
    he basically put up w. it until it got too bad and it led to another decision to go through counseling.


    he has yet to use the verbiage "divorce". he just keeps saying they are seperated and then "he will see where it goes".

    so... i dont believe that he actually wants to get divorced.

    also so far the wake up call has not worked. bc she is still bossing him around on most days that they try to hang out together for the kids.
     
  7. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    sad to say, but there is no advice for you to give. if you tell him to leave her, and he decides to stay, there are chances that she may hear that you told him to leave, or he may feel awkward around you since he didnt take your advice. the fact that you work with her makes that situation even worse if it happens

    i would suggest you tell him he needs to do whats best for his kids. but he needs to figure that out on his own. if she was just a girlfriend, it might be easier to say "leave the bitch" but shes a wife, and they have a family, and you are walking a thin line if you give any advice one way or the other
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Separating and divorcing isn't easy once you have kids, especially young ones.

    I would tell them to try counseling one more time, extensive counseling where they set whole new boundaries for their lives. If it doesn't work again THEN they should divorce.
     
  9. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    i'm really curious as to whether counseling was a mutual decision or was it brought up by the husband, and the wife merely agreed to it? imo, that says a lot right there. if the husband had the initial idea to seek counseling, then it's obvious why it failed so many times. you have to want to change! you can't want someone to change, go through the motions, and in the end, hope that they do. :sad2:

    if the wife is genuinely interested in changing her behavior, i'd give it one more chance. however, if she is not totally onboard with the counseling [and has never been before], i'd call it quits right now. :(
     
  10. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    that i do not know. i would have to ask.
     
  11. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    People thing kids who are a month old are 'old enough to be sleeping through the night'. My kids didn't sleep through the night until one and a half. My 18 month old doesn't sleep through at the moment and if he cries, I get up to care for him. This really is a non issue!!

    As for the issues within his relationship? It's not healthy for him or his children to be with her by the sounds of it. If he stays he gets abused by his spouse - if he was a woman everyone would be telling her to leave. And if he stays his children grow up with a warped sense of modelled behaviour.

    They should both get individual counselling while separated. Then once they have found themselves consider couples counselling. You can stay married while living under different roofs. They shouldn't rush anything if they want to live healthy lives
     
  12. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    This. Absolutely 100% this. He needs to give it everything he's got for the kids' sake. If they still can't work it out, fine, but I would at least go that far if I were him.
     
  13. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    running to your kids at 2 yrs of age any time they cry only creates issues. they wont sleep bc they know all they have to do is cry and mom will run to them.
    but thats beside the issue.

    i agree w. what you said after.
     
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    When you put in that context, of cause it will cause issues. But if my child wakes up in the night crying I will go to them and calm them down. I won't leave them to cry. I don't think any parent should leave their child cry when it wakes in fear, pain or in need of comfort.

    If a child is being a little shit and crying and mum runs to them all the time, yes, it can teach a child to be manipulative, beyond normal child behaviour. Sometimes a child will just want to have a tantrum and cry and kick and scream. A parent needs to make a call on what behaviour they reward and what behaviour to ignore.

    Getting up for your child when they cry during the night, in my view, is healthy parenting. And a lot better than leaving the poor kid alone to settle them self :dunno: But again, I don't see how your point of the children waking in the night has any relevance to the situation.
     
  15. roddick

    roddick New Member

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    What exactly is extensive counseling? I mean they have gone 3x already at different points during the relationship. She hasnt changed at all and I dont think a 4th time will help other than putting a band aid on it that will eventually fall off.

    A relationship should work like this: The couple has to make themselves the priority. Marriages fall apart or are at the least unhealthy when the kid(s) become the most important thing as they have done with the wife here. If either one of the couple are unhappy in the relationship, it is wrong to try and force it for the children. Every couple is different but this is the general rule. I have read about this and also seen it first hand.
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Was he in the process of walking out the door the other times they were in counseling together? Because believe me, that makes a difference. Being ready to walk away gives you a freedom to discuss things more openly and really address a lot of issues. If your boy is as controlled as you make him sound then he obviously isn't as up front about his feelings as he should be.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You have no idea what level of commitment they had the first 3 times they went. You also dont know how often. If one or both felt it wasn't very necessary, or didn't want to open up, or only went once every few weeks of course it didn't work for them.

    For counseling to work they both need to want to resolve things and make them better. They also have to be going at least once a week. What's the harm in trying again? They obviously still have feelings for one another but are both just stubborn and unsure about how to work together well, this us where counseling helps.
     
  18. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    in convo he mentioned that this was the first time that he decided he needed to walk out. so i assume the other times it was not the case.

    he is upfront about his feelings. however, bc he never took the current step she bseically ignored his concerns and kept being controlling.
     
  19. roddick

    roddick New Member

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    Valid points beer and it doesnt hurt to try again, I just think it will be the same result. Now that it appears this was the first time he threatened to leave her, I am sure she will try to make a change in the beginning. I guess I am too jaded on the situation to think it will be a long term improvement though.
     
  20. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    well he moved out and before the counseling starts they are already having issues.

    for example one day she will be fine then the next she is back to controlling him.
    obviously him moving out has had no impact.... i dont see how counseling for a fourth time will change that.
     
  21. roddick

    roddick New Member

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    well, I guess one day counts as a short term change
     
  22. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Yeah, I don't buy that for a second. If he was really always up front about his feelings, there is no way things would have gotten this far. He'd have either shut her up or walked out a long time ago. I don't think anyone can put up with a controlling bitch for that long unless they're suppressing themselves.
     
  23. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i disagree. he can easily tell her "you are being controlling and it bothers me" yet not have the balls to leave her.

    being upfront with his feelings to her does not equate to having the courage to leave a bad situation.
     
  24. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I don't really think that's true. I think he is probably open with his feelings with you and he probably thinks he is open with her. If she's really the controlling bitch you/he make her out to be then he would know that fighting every controlling/bitchy thing she does would get him nowhere. So no, I don't think he is always open and honest about his feelings. I can't picture a guy that would fight his wife constantly on everything and yet never win a single argument. You'd either have to leave or put up with it. I mean this guy must have loved her for a while so I'm assuming he at least overlooked it to some extent.

    Long story short, your bro shares more blame for the way she is in the relationship than he is taking credit for.
     
  25. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i agree with you. he obviously allowed her to control him or they would not have the issue or not be together.

    i guess when you say open w. his feelings i interpret it as him verbally saying "i dont like the way you treat me".
    you seem to be leaning towards more of a "i wont take your shit. keep it up and im out".
     

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